Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Original Fiction Cafe - Je T'attends - feedback

Wow! This has a lot of layers to it. I thought it was very well done.

You develop the scenario fairly subtly within the confines of this being a short play.

I didn't particularly like either character - Vincent is too domineering, and Maxine too clingy - but I did believe that there was a sincere attachment between them.

Well done!

Irene

Yes - very well done, Mirage!

Ursie

I hope that I didn't come across as being too harsh when I said I didn't particularly like either character.

What I should have said was that you've written about two very real people who have very real flaws.

Irene

Wow, Mirage! Very powerful emotion in such a short amount of space. Good job.

Though I'm curious by nature, wanting to know just how much that check was for, I think it's better and fitting that she ripped it up.

I also like the title, very fitting.

Sara

Thank you so much for reading, Irene, Sara and Ursie! It's so flattering to hear nice things said about my work from writers I really admire!

Irene: I agree! You made me realize that when I write, the likeability of the characters never cross my mind. I get so concerned with putting the story and the message out there that I completely neglect the reader's feelings. Which is what makes betas/other people reading over my work so valuable, I now know. And don't worry about sounding harsh; I don't really believe in 141 commenting. I mean, how else is an inexperienced writer like me supposed to improve if I don't know what I could improve on? So thank you very much for reading and your fdk! I'll get better at this; just watch!

Ursie: Thank you so much! For the time being, this will only make it to a high school stage (if my teacher likes it, that is), but who knows what'll happen later? I really hope it turns out well...if it'll be used at all. One major theatrical flaw is that it doesn't have a lot of movement in it. The audience really has to pay attention to the lines because the characters basically sit through the whole thing, so it's not very visually stimulating. But if this pans out, I'll e-mail you the pictures of it! And how's the second baby story coming along?

Sara: Thank you!!! To tell you the truth, even I never considered how much the check would be worth...it would definitely last her for the rest of her life and then some. Just imagine, say, Donald Trump or Bill Gates or a Walton leaving a woman... But no matter, because the fact of the matter is, she'd never have any of it because she really loved him. :p Thanks for reading!

I already submitted this in to my teacher - he said he got it but so far, he hasn't said anything about using it...so I don't really know what's going to happen to it.

Anyhow, thank you again! And I may be coming up with a new script shortly; I was just struck by a bolt of lightning! Keep your eyes open!

Mirage

I don't agree, Mirage, that's not a flaw. There are numerous theatrical productions that rely solely on dialogue between two actors. It all depends on how powerful the performances are; you're right about that. That's why I can't picture this play being done as a schoolplay. So, if your drama teacher refuses it, don't get discouraged!

Slowly!

I wrote TAS in nine months; it looks like the sequel will take longer - right now the Muse is enjoying a Christmas vacation!

Ursie

I do see your point, and I think you could be right! But, well...whatever happens, I'll keep you posted.

And I can't waaaaiiiit 'til the next story comes out! Take your time, but know that I'll be keeping an eye out for it, and I just may start to pester you with e-mails if I feel that I've been kept waiting too long.

Mirage