Chapter Five
Have you ever felt a moment so strong, where everything in life clicked, made sense? Where even your enemies were potential friends, you had nothing to fear in the world, and peace was the word of the year?
I would assume it is a lovely feeling. Unfortunately, as I lay tossing and turning in my new bed, I wasn’t feeling very kindly towards anyone, let alone enemies.
Whoever they were.
It shouldn’t have been so complicated. These people… they wanted me. Or needed me. Griffin had gone to a whole other world to find me, bring me… home, as much as I wanted to deny it.
Sighing, I sat up. My nightgown didn’t do much to protect me from the chill of night and cold stone floors, perhaps because I had no slippers or sleeves. Clutching my arms, I left my bedchamber to find my way around my rooms. Maybe I had a balcony; that would be nice. Looking out over the Xeniasasa coastline as it slumbered, outlined in the silver light of a half moon. Maybe some of the nighttime peace would pass on to me, though somehow I feared it would not.
I did have a balcony. It was small, with rib-height railings made of thick stone. There was barely a space between the thick railings, but that was well enough with me. I leaned on the railing, just looking. Xeniasasa was as beautiful as I had thought it would be, and in this dead of night I was even able to hear the faintest sound of waves lapping at the shore.
I was unhappy, I realized as I rested my chin on my folded arms. I knew why, or thought I did. I was out of my element. At home, in my world, the one I grew up knowing… Wintertime would be coming upon us. I would risk a time in the mall to find Christmas presents before holiday shoppers took over. For mother I would get something practical; she didn’t hold much with frivolity. For my aunt Danni, I would most likely get something small, inexpensive and sparkly. Like a rock, or twelve dollar fake crystal. I would get clothes from mother, or a book, and from aunt Danni I would probably get a fake crystal in return.
I shuddered suddenly. I was standing out on a balcony, wearing a sleeveless gown that was similar to silk, I thought, with bare feet on cold stone. But I didn’t care, not really.
The complicated part of all this was that I… I liked being here. I didn’t know anything about it, really, but in this place… this world… I felt safe here. Or, not safe, but as if I filled some corner made just for me. Yes. I belonged, in some odd, complicated way. But I also belonged with mother and aunt Danni, in school, struggling with math and keeping my mind from wandering, keeping my emotions closed away from the surface, keeping my head down so I wouldn’t attract attention. I belonged in my small room, reading books by the bakers dozen, learning about friendships through ink and dry pages, experiencing passive thrills when I learned that the heroine and the hero kissed, vowed undying love to each other, only to face the next danger, the next monster to come at them.
That was my life, the one I knew and, in a way, loved. But this life that was now being given to me, well, it had good things too. I had a sister, now. Likely I would never be lonely again, or at least I would have someone to talk to when I needed it. I had a set of rooms furnished by me, with more then a few frivolous things scattered about. There were pointless little candle holders and incense burners, and statues with nothing going for them but the atheistic value. Mother would never have approved… but she wasn’t here.
I worried about her, for a moment, staring up at the dark sky splattered liberally with stars. Aunt Danni lived across the country, coming out only for Christmas, because mother would never leave her safe home. Aunt Danni would never survive living near mother, or spending more then a few days with her. They were so different… like the sun and the moon, to use a cliché.
I stared down at my cold fingers, wishing Griffin were here. I trusted him like I trusted no other. Warm arms wrapping around me, his scent in my nose, the texture of his shirt under my fingertips… I longed for that. I longed for him to hold me, tell me everything would be fine.
But it wouldn’t. Somehow, I knew that. Griffin wasn’t here to help me in any way. I was alone, to stand by myself. I took one last look up at the moon, around the shoreline, and went inside.
I had the sudden need to warm my cold extremities.
0O0
“Do you honestly think we’ll get away with this?” Cadeyrn pulled his hair back, tying it with a thong. He was frowning at his brother, Gwrtheyrn, who grinned over at him.
“Of course we will. Why shouldn’t it work? We are mere travelers from the very distant borders of Xeniasasa, come with gifts for the Princess Mizuiro. The people of Krystene are well known for this tradition. And besides, will the Queen truly turn us away? Us, simple men who wish only to give two well-bred mares to her daughter?”
“Gwrth… Honestly. Sometimes I wonder if you are truly Mavni.” Cadeyrn pulled his tunic up over his head. Out of anything, it would give him away for what he was. Dark gray and black, the Mavni colors. No, if he were to wear that, he’d be killed before he opened his mouth!
“Of course I am. I just like to know what other countries are like. Excuse me for having an interest in my enemy’s ways. ‘To be warned is to be armed’, or have you forgotten?” Gwrtheyrn pulled off his matching tunic, and shoved it down into a saddlebag. From another bag, he pulled out two ragged tunics and breeches, the proper attire for two poor men with presents bought by a whole village. “Time to get dressed.”
“Oh… All right. But remember, you are Menes, and I am Dwyn. Don’t mess up or you’ll get us both killed, and then where will father be?”
Gwrtheyrn’s voice was dry as he answered, even as he turned to change behind a tree. “Surrounded by women, Cade, that’s where.”
0O0
I ate breakfast with Mizuiro, but we both avoided the topic of the disastrous meeting with the Queen like it was the plague. Perhaps it was. I did, however, bring up a question that had been bothering me, even though it bordered on the topic we were avoiding.
“Mizuiro, why can’t Griffin see me? He was forbidden…” I stared down at my lavender tea, surprised that I had asked for it and, of course, that it tasted just as good as it had the day before. I usually didn’t like tea…
“Sabriel, pardon me for answering a question with a question, but how did you deal with your emotions?” Mizuiro set her fork down. I had been surprised to see forks, and spoons set out, as Xeniasasa seemed like the Dark Ages on Earth, with only knives, but then dismissed the curiosity as just that, curiosity. They had probably come about because some long forgotten ruler didn’t want to get his (hers?) fingers dirty.
I sighed, and looked away. “I did my best to suppress them. Feeling strong emotions… things would break.” I turned my tea cup in my fingers, remembering back to when I was barely eight, frightened to death of all the exploding things. I had been the only one to realize that my fear was only making things worse, that my feelings were the cause of the problems…
“How would you feel, Sabriel, if someone allowed you to feel with only the barest of consequences?” Mizuiro was watching me, I knew, though I didn’t look at her. Her gaze was heavy on my shoulders, like a winter blanket.
“I would love him.” I blinked, more then a little startled at my answer. Would I? Well, being freed from a lifetime of worry and exhaustion and… “Oh. I think I understand.” I looked back at Mizuiro. “She didn’t want me to lock myself into a relationship I would later grow to hate, did she?”
Mizuiro shrugged. “I have the feeling she went through something similar. The two of you are alike in more was then just physical, you know. Her parents wouldn’t let her see the man who, well, freed her in a way, for two years. In between, they insisted that she talk with other men, who were nice enough. After two years she felt the same and married him. Our father… Do you think the same will be for you and Griffin?” Her eyebrow arched, and the corner of her lips twitched. “Or will you listen to yourself?”
The corners of my lips twitched in response. “I don’t know, Mizuiro. I wish I did. I hardly know what I’m going to do today, let alone tomorrow or how I’ll feel in two years time. Griffin and I may only be friends… we may fall in love, or we may even end up hating each other in two years. It is a long time, after all.” I sighed, and looked away again. I wished with all my heart that Griffin would fall in love with me, that even years apart wouldn’t change how I felt for him, and how he might feel for me, but I was logical, too. People just don’t stay the same over the years, after all. So much might happen in between times.
“Does it hurt to listen to logic more than your heart?” Mizuiro took a sip of tea. “I know it hurts me.”
I nodded. “It does, and not only do you hurt, but I would imagine others do as well.”
Mizuiro got an odd look to her face, and she fell silent for the rest of the meal. I wondered what I had said, but was slightly afraid to interrupt the silence to ask. Maybe I was not the only one who had needed rescue from a self-imposed prison… and maybe Mizuiro had turned away from rescue.
I seemed to think problems with romance were the driving force behind everything that was going on.
Maybe I was a closet romantic.
0O0
Menes and Dwyn were stopped at the gate to the great city Zaphire, and were searched. The two mares they brought were examined as well, and everything was pulled apart.
Menes was just glad he’d burnt the bags holding the Mavni tunics. He had the oddest feeling that being riddled by arrows wasn’t the greatest feeling in the world…
0O0
Kiel nodded to me as I stepped down off the raised section of the floor. I attempted a smile in return, lowering my aching arms. The seamstresses, small women who were all starting to turn gray, clucked to each other as they wrote down the measurements they’d gotten from me. Then the youngest- which meant she was at least thirty years older then me- walked over.
“If Her Majesty would choose her preferred colors?”
Being called ‘majesty’ would take some getting used to… but like everything else, there seemed to be a part of me that just… accepted it. No questions asked.
It was almost disconcerting, and certainly more then a little odd.
I nodded, and followed the seamstress to yards of cloth of every color and fabric imaginable. I had to blink a few times after glancing around, feeling more than slightly overwhelmed by the choices.
I had half a mind to chose the brightest colors possible, with the largest selection of fabrics as I could get. I almost laughed to myself at the thought.
Yes, this world was doing wonders for me. I had almost laughed.
Smiling, I walked over to a section of russets, turning to look at Kiel. “You said earlier that this color suits me?”
Kiel nodded. “Yes, milady, it does. Perhaps an everyday gown in… this color?” Kiel tapped the corner of a golden-red cloth, and after studying it a bit, I nodded.
“I think so, but I will prefer something a little bit…” I waved a hand. “...For special circumstances. Hm… I doubt I could carry off some of these colors, but…”
With Kiel’s help, I managed to select a few colors that wouldn’t make me look ill. Kiel also suggested a few colors I would not have considered otherwise, and even the seamstress offered her opinion several times. All things considered, I would likely look presentable most of the time, and more then presentable the rest of the time. Fortunately, I would not likely have to deal with courtiers in such volume again for some time, so fancy dresses would not be required as an everyday thing.
I also took the seamstress aside while Kiel was slightly distracted, and asked for a pair of breeches and a blouse to be made. She could chose the colors, I said, I just wanted something of the like if I needed it.
I didn’t know why I asked, but the seamstress nodded like it was the smartest idea in the world. She probably knew something I didn’t, but I wasn’t going to ask. I didn’t want to come off ignorant, I suppose.
Kiel and I walked down the halls, headed for my rooms. I had only been there, Mizuiro’s room, the Queen’s sitting room and now the seamstress’s domain, but I was bound and determined to find out what sort of library Zaphire had. I knew Kiel wouldn’t argue, but I wanted to wait a bit, let everything settle, I suppose. Just logic again; there would be less people watching me, waiting for me to make a mistake.
“Milady? Have you given thought to perhaps learning to control your magic?”
I blinked. Well, that came out of nowhere… “Actually, I haven’t. I didn’t know it was possible,” I admitted, feeling somewhat embarrassed. “I would like to, but… how?”
Kiel glanced over at me, and a smile curled her vulpine mouth. “If you would permit me, I can teach you, milady. While you are no doubt stronger then I, I could still teach you control.”
I hesitated, then nodded. “I think I would like that, Kiel. I would like that very much.”
I didn’t say it, but I did think that learning control might lessen the chance that one day, by accident of course, I would end up hurting someone. And suddenly I had so many people I cared for. Kiel, Mizuiro, even, in a distant way, the Queen… and Griffin.
Stop that, I chided myself. Logic ruled my life at the moment, and most likely it would continue to do so. Which meant, of course, I had to be ruthless with myself. For all you know, this is just a crush and means nothing. There is no point to being stupid and closing all the doors before you even look behind them.
I sighed and nodded to myself, garnering an interested look from Kiel, but ignored it.
“So, what do we do first to learn control?” I tilted my head. That was another thing; I wanted to learn how to lift an eyebrow like Mizuiro. So much could be said by a carefully arched eyebrow… things that couldn’t be said with a tilted head.
“First,” Kiel said, voice turning dry, “we prepare the room.”
I blinked. Somehow I had been expecting some sort of Zen-like wisdom. “Oh.”
“This way, please.” And Kiel led me to yet another door, this one leading to a room with nothing in it and folded herself into a sitting position. She gestured to where I was to sit.
Do you know how odd it is to see a fox sitting cross-legged? Even if the fox is wearing people-like clothes?
I do.
“Now, close your eyes and find your center… let everything melt away. The outside world is nothing now, only the inside matters. Relax… breathe out tension…”
So I followed her directions. And I began to feel almost as if I were in control of my life, maybe for the first time.
It was a nice feeling.
0O0
Menes stretched out on the bed, grinning. “You see? Easy.”
“Maybe. Gwrtheyrn, do you honestly think we’ll get away with this?” Dwyn lifted himself up on one elbow. “I don’t.”
Menes turned his head. “Cadeyrn, you worry too much. When the winter snows close off all but the most traveled of roads… which we didn’t use to get here…” Menes grinned, and Dwyn coughed, “they will put us up until the snows have melted. Xeniasians are known for their… generosity to travelers, and where will the generosity be the most then here in Zaphire?”
Dwyn sighed and rolled over in his bed. “Somehow, I have a bad feeling about this…”
“Oh, do be quiet and let me get some sleep. Tomorrow after noon we have an audience with the Princess to give her our gifts.”
Dwyn opened his eyes. “I think,” he said, “I might have misheard the guards. I thought they said Princesses.” He paused. “Menes?”
Menes was asleep.
Dwyn closed his eyes. Sleep was a good idea…
