A/N: *Looks like is about to say something, but thinks better of it*
TOC Joseph and Richard: Scene 2They moved down the steps quickly, eyes alert and their heads down. When they finally made it to the door on the right, Joseph opened the door and ushered the new private inside. They'd walked into a tailoring shop, judging by the scraps of fabric scattering the floor and the long tables lining the walls covered in scissors, measuring equipment and other bits and bobs.
"Well, at least that lieutenant wasn't lying," Joseph sighed in relief. The thought that this may have been a trap had been at the front of his mind all the way down the stairs.
"Why did you lie to those men?" the new private blurted suddenly as if he could no longer hold the question in. "They were from your guard, and why did those lieutenants act that way?" Joseph could feel himself shrink as the new private's eyes narrowed. "You're not really in the guard, are you?" The new private pointed at him almost accusingly.
"So?" Joseph found himself retorting defensively. He threw the pillowcase with his old clothes onto one of the already messy tables. "Neither are you." He turned in surprise to see the new private laughing with mirth.
"You told off a corporal, and you're not even in the guard!" the new private fell back onto one of the chairs, his smile spread across his face. "You then appointed me a private, and you got away with it! Better hope you don't meet up with that corporal after he finds out you hoodwinked him."
"You've got a point there…" Joseph mused quietly, almost to himself. He pulled the pillow out from under his top and threw it onto the floor. This only caused the new private to break out into more laughter.
"Where'd you get that tent?" the new private exclaimed in amusement.
"I was hardly in the position to choose sizes," Joseph grumbled in a slightly wounded tone. "I took it off a fat lob that was guarding the door I was trying to get back into. It's not like it matters anyway, it served its purpose, didn't it?"
"It certainly did, by the sound of it," a voice came from behind a tall counter at the back of the shop. Joseph spun around in alarm, aware that the new private had leapt to his feet, and his sword was out once again.
"Oh, please do not be alarmed," a young man came out from behind the counter, his hands clasped together in delight and he was almost bent in a bow that was strangely, slightly to his side. The man straightened to his not-very-tall height and his hands went to his sides, his face was wide-eyed and full of gentle pleasure. "I have had many men…a-and women too, needing my help in escaping from somebody, or something."
Joseph and the new private exchanged a look, but said nothing. Taking their silence as acceptance, the tailor moved forward and picked up Joseph's pillowcase.
"I have had one particular woman coming back here any number of times," the tailor started to inform them, apparently thrilled to have people to talk to. He opened Joseph's pillowcase and looked inside. "She has two Stralians she's been trying to smuggle across the border to freedom, you see…" His flow of talking stopped when Joseph grabbed the pillowcase out of his hands and threw it on the floor. "…oh, uh-sorry. My name is Uber, and what are your names?"
"Richard," the new private answered in a quiet voice as he re-sheathed his sword. Uber nodded contentedly at Richard and turned to Joseph with an expectant look on his face.
"Unfortunately, I don't have one," Joseph answered in a genuinely fake resigned tone. Uber blinked in alarm, his hands clasped together, once again he almost bowed to the side and his face immediately turned sympathetic.
"Oh, dear," Uber consoled in a caring tone, his head cocked to the side. "How unfortunate, indeed. However did you manage that?"
"My parents couldn't afford it," Joseph muttered a lame excuse, ignoring Richard fighting hard not to start laughing again.
"How… tragic," Uber answered as he took a step away from Joseph, casting him a worried expression. "It seems I will have to believe you, if I force the point, you'll only give me a false name. Am I right?"
"Well done, Uber," Joseph congratulated the tailor warmly. "You understood almost immediately how things stand." Joseph sighed dramatically. "Shall you begin making us presentable?" He spread his arms wide, showing the large jacket's overlarge proportions to their greatest advantage.
"Oh, dear," Uber's eyes widened and he undeniably tilted to the side, taking in the full disaster of Joseph's situation. Uber pulled a tape measure off one of the messy tables and made an attempt to measure Joseph's back. After a few minutes, however, Uber was forced to concede defeat. "Would it be too much trouble to ask you to take off this, uh…borrowed jacket? It's making it almost impossible for me to see where your shoulders end and your back starts."
Joseph pulled the jacket off, with Richard sniggering in the background. Uber collected the jacket and laid it on the table before turning back to measuring with a certain relief. With the jacket out of the way, Uber had Joseph's measurements in a matter of minutes. Uber then turned his attention to Richard, his tape measure moving around in seeming pointlessness.
"You seem to be in a bit of a pickle," Uber mentioned carefully as he measured Richard's left upper arm. Joseph's head swiveled from his examining of the small dagger sitting on a mantelpiece so fast; he thought he'd sprained his neck. Joseph watched Richard's right hand slowly move to his sword hilt as Uber moved to measure his lower left arm. "I may be able to help you there. I happen to know the man in charge of who goes where. I may be able to persuade him to send you to help the border patrol on the western borders. This would give you the escape you need, and this corporal fellow won't be able to follow you."
"What's in this for you?" Richard asked suspiciously, his grip tightening on his sword hilt. Uber stopped measuring immediately and stepped away from Richard, his eyes fearful.
"It is not a big thing, Richard," Uber reassured, bringing his hands together once again. "It's really a very, very minor thing. Easily done, and it will be on your way anyway."
"Oh, no. He wants us to put him on the throne," Joseph complained in a pained voice.
"I'm sorry," Richard apologized insincerely. "But the throne is taken."
"Oh, no, no, no," Uber looked actually horrified and he started wringing his hands. "Oh, dear. It's nothing like that. There's just this small matter of my cousin being…held up in coming back home."
"Held up?" Joseph asked in dead tones, knowing this couldn't be good.
"Yes. See, there's been a band of unruly guards going through the towns and causing chaos. She was simply defending herself…" Uber started to explain.
"She?" Richard asked in bewilderment. "Your cousin's a girl?"
"I have heard of cousins being girls, Richard," Joseph chided. Richard glared at him.
"Well," Uber continued, eyeing them uncertainly. "Because she was defending herself, they took offense. Unnecessary, really. So, they have…stopped her from leaving."
"Where have they placed her, while she is 'stopped from leaving'?" Joseph asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.
"Oh, dear," Uber breathed as if he'd known this would come. "Well, at the moment, they…they have her in the dungeon."
"The dungeon?!" Richard uttered in alarm. "How are we supposed to help her, when she's in the dungeon?! What'd they put her in the dungeon for anyway?" he eyed the tailor apprehensively. "How many men did she kill defending herself?"
"Oh, no, no, no," Uber looked even more horrified, if that was possible. "She didn't kill anybody. She just…knocked a few unconscious."
"A few?" Joseph quizzed softly, his eyes weary. "How many is a few?"
"Well, not that many really…" Uber seemed to have lost his nerve, and was making a show of rolling up his tape measure.
"Oh, no," Joseph breathed in agitation, throwing his hand to his forehead. "She knocked twenty men unconscious!"
"Oh, dear," Uber placed the tape measure on the table. "Not that many. No, no. Not nearly that many…" he started wringing his hands again. "…it was only eighteen." Uber looked at the men pleadingly, only to see Joseph had found it necessary to sit down, and Richard had his mouth hanging open.
"You wanted us to offer her our congratulations, right?" Joseph made a pathetic attempt at getting out of what he was sure was coming. "Because we could do that, right Richard?" Joseph turned to Richard for a little support, but Richard didn't seem to have noticed. Richard stood rooted to the spot, staring at Uber wide-eyed and muttering something to himself. Joseph was almost certain he heard the words 'eighteen…unconscious' and 'dungeon'.
"Richard?" Joseph asked tentatively as he got up from his chair. "Richard?" Joseph took a few steps closer, seeing Richard not twitch a muscle. "Hey, Rich!" Joseph knocked Richard's shoulder hard. Richard stumbled forward, and appeared to come out of his trance.
"Eighteen?!" Richard blurted to no one in particular. "Oh, this is brilliant. Oh, yes, a very small matter," he turned to a worried looking Uber, and then started walking away from him. "Easily done! We'll just waltz into the dungeon, because there'll be no guards down there," he turned and headed back to the men. "Pick up this cousin of yours, because she won't be locked up in a cell guarded by guards," he swiveled and started away from them again. "Get her out of the dungeon easily, because she's done a minor thing really, not punishable by death at all," he turned and came back to his original spot. "Then we'll make it back here, intact, because the guards won't be on our tails as soon as we leave," he turned to Joseph. "Have I got that right?"
"That's about it," Joseph agreed, ignoring Uber's constant stream of 'oh, dear's'. "But we have no choice, Rich. If we don't do this for Uber, who's to say what could be waiting for us when we go down to the western border. We may end up in the dungeon ourselves. He could have his friend place us in the dungeon just out of spite."
"What if we don't go to the western border?" Richard pointed out quickly, starting to look like a trapped animal again.
"Then he'd only have to lean out the door and call for help," Joseph answered in a toneless voice. Richard looked horrified, and Uber looked apologetic.
"It's nothing personal," Uber whimpered pitifully, bowing slightly to the side. "But I must rescue my cousin; she's the only family I have."
"Okay, fine," Richard crossed his arms. "Go rescue her then. You don't need us to do it for you."
"Oh, dear," Uber muttered, clasping his hands. "I have never been out of this village, in my whole life. I'd be of no use to you, I am a terrible fighter. My cousin knocked me out before she headed to visit her friend in the west."
"Hmm," Joseph said thoughtfully as he stroked his chin. "Yes, she seems to have a habit of that."
"Yes," Uber drawled proudly, once again in his customary stance. He then looked thoughtful as he started to pick materials from a side shelf. "I seemed to have fallen rather hard. See, I can't remember her ever hitting me. I do remember the pain, falling through the air, but not how she hit me."
"Too bad," Joseph commented in true sympathy. "It's always easier when you know your enemy's preferred weapon, or action."
"Enemy?!" Uber asked in trepidation. "Please, I do not want her harmed. I love her dearly. I was being overprotective, I'm afraid. I didn't want her to visit her friend on her own, but I wouldn't have been able to go with her for another two weeks. Even though I'm terrible in a fight…"
"How would you know if you've never been in one?" Richard asked somewhat moodily.
"Oh, dear. Well, I don't know," Uber looked as if he'd never thought of it before. "I'd just assumed that…well; I've never been any good at confrontations. I guess I just thought it'd be about the same. Well, anyway, even if I was no help, just my being there would make me feel a little better."
"There's no need to explain, Uber," Joseph assured the young man, sitting down in the chair wearily. "We know she's not the enemy, I was just making an example." He sighed, leaned back, rubbing his eyes and leaned forward on his elbows, eyeing Richard. "Are we settled that we're doing this then?"
"I guess so," Richard muttered, bowing his head and sitting in another seat. Uber clapped his hands together in delight and turned to his tailoring with a new zeal.
"Good," Joseph sighed, his eyebrow then quirked up. "So, Rich, what were you doing in the castle of all places when you weren't invited?"
"I-I was here…for the Stralian rights!" Richard looked slightly pleased of himself.
"There's no need to shout," Uber tutted at them from his working station. Richard looked embarrassed, and Joseph started to smirk. Joseph said nothing for a while, and watched Richard start to relax.
"Stralian rights, ha?" Joseph quizzed quietly when Richard had almost relaxed completely. Richard's head spun to Joseph so quickly, Joseph was almost sure he'd heard cracking bones.
"What? Yes, terrible life they've got there," Richard answered in a rush. "We were here to…to fight for their freedom. We-we were going to kidnap the king a…nd hold him for ransom. No freedom, no king." Richard sat straight, he was definitely proud of himself this time.
"Hmm," Joseph pretended to ponder for a while. "A good story, Rich, except for a few things. The fact, that the Stralian supporters would never use slavery and kidnapping, to rid the kingdom of that self-same-thing. It's kind of hypocritical. There's also the fact that I'm a supporter, and have never seen you at our meetings."
"No wonder you tried to get back into that room," Richard sniggered. "Away from the guard."
"Don't change the subject," Joseph demanded.
"Change what? Who's changing anything?" Richard immediately asked, eyes wide with innocence. "I was just making a comment. Can't I make a comment?"
"Not when you're deliberately avoiding the issue at hand," Joseph calmly replied.
"I? Deliberately avoid the issue?" Richard jumped up, pointing to his chest. "I'll have you know that I would never deliberately avoid an issue! I'm deeply wounded you would ever think that of me. Anybody would think you didn't trust me, me, of all people!"
"You're dodging again," Joseph commented, his eyes twinkling.
"Oh," Richard exclaimed, looking deeply insulted. "So you can make a comment, but I'm not allowed, right?"
"Do you always have this much trouble answering simple questions?" Joseph asked, his lips twitching upwards as he noticed Uber had stopped stitching in mid-stitch.
"Of course not," Richard's face at once lost its insulted frown. "I'll answer any question you like, within reason. Was there one in particular you wanted to ask?"
"I've already asked it," Joseph answered serenely.
"You have?" Richard asked incredulously. "How marvelously organized of you. I congratulate you, thoroughly."
"I thank you," Joseph thanked him, bowing in his chair. He then sat back and looked at him appraisingly. "You might as well tell me what you were up to. I already have a fair idea anyway."
"Well, in that case you don't need to ask, do you?" Richard smiled winningly at Joseph. Joseph sighed, stood up, and stared at Richard who'd drawn his sword again.
"We'll have it your way then," Joseph said in a resigned tone. Before Richard had realized what had happened, Joseph had drawn his sword, and knocked Richard's sword easily to the floor. Richard stared as Joseph's blade rested on the side of his neck.
"How about you empty your pockets?" Joseph asked pleasantly. Both men stood, ignoring Uber who was once again polluting the air with 'oh, dear's'.
"I knew I should have kept running when I knocked into you," Richard complained before carrying out Joseph's instructions.
tbc
