Table of Contents
From Part 1:"I need you, Lois," he whispered against her hair, and for a mortifying second, she wondered if she had spoken her thoughts aloud. "I care for you because I know that despite what you want people to believe, you're not cold and insensitive. I could never hate you because it would be more painful than loving you." He seized her shoulders and pulled away to look at her face. One large hand stroked her cheek, and a pair of deep brown eyes gazed at her with more tenderness than she had ever thought possible. "I need you because I love you."
His arms dropped from around her, and he took a step back. "But I know you don't feel the same way about me. I know you think that you can't love anyone else but Superman, even more so now that you know about his feelings for you. I know you're seriously considering the proposal of a man whose name gives me shudders, and I know that telling you about my feelings for you is probably going to ruin whatever trust you still had in me."
He gave her another steady look. "Now at least you know." Then he turned and disappeared through the archway to his bedroom, leaving her alone and lost in the middle of his empty living-room.
*********
Now read on...Now, she knew. The words echoed in her head as she stared at the retreating back of her partner. Now she knew, indeed. She'd thrown away the love of the best, most decent man she'd ever known.
And for what? For a superhero who didn't want her, and a businessman who saw her as something between a merger and an acquisition; probably closer to the latter, actually, Lois conceded wryly. And, of course, the businessman was no prize, according to Superman.
No, she didn't want Lex Luthor. She'd already decided that when she'd come looking for Clark. But what about Superman?
What about Superman? she asked herself hollowly.
You don't really love him, do you?I don't know! she screamed inwardly, before following her instincts and heading to Clark's bedroom.
He was standing by the large picture window overlooking his terrace, hands thrust in his jeans pockets. He turned at her approach, and she realised that her reflection must be visible in the window.
"Lois? I thought you'd gone." His tone was casual. For all the world as if he hadn't just told her that he loved her in a voice so passionate it had set her heart beating furiously.
"How could I go?" she asked, giving a helpless shrug.
He gazed at her in gentle enquiry.
"Clark, everything that's important to me is here. Why would I leave?"
That got his attention. She could actually see his jaw drop, and he yanked his hands out of his pockets.
"Lois, you don't know what you're talking about," he said harshly.
"Oh, yes, I do," she said, feeling her voice crack as she said it, but not caring.
*He* was important to her. Didn't he realise it? There was no-one in her life who mattered to her as much as he did. He was her best friend; her rock; the person who kept her sane. And, as she'd resolved earlier, she was going to do whatever it took to make sure that she deserved his friendship.
"Lois, you're in love with Superman. And you're someone else's girlfriend," Clark pointed out, beginning to turn away.
"I'm nobody's girlfriend," Lois objected bitterly. "As Superman quite rightly pointed out earlier, a few dates doesn't make a serious relationship." She was puzzled to see Clark apparently flinch at that.
"Anyway, he's right," she continued. "I never considered my relationship with Lex to be at all serious until he proposed. I don't know why I didn’t laugh at him. I guess... maybe I was flattered... maybe he seemed to be offering me something I needed..." She trailed off, uncomfortable about questioning her relationship with Lex in front of the man who'd been most sarcastic about it all along. Oh, wouldn't Clark love to say "I told you so!".
He came closer to her. "What did you need, Lois?" His voice was soft, offering understanding.
"I don't k - " she began, halting as she realised that that wasn't the truth. And somehow, now seemed to be the time for the truth between her and Clark. After all, that was why she'd come over here, wasn't it? To have an honest, open conversation once and for all; to try to repair some of the damage she'd done. And that, she'd now recognised, also meant Clark taking responsibility for his own part in the way things had deteriorated between them.
Taking a deep breath, she amended, "Yes, I do."
Clark simply waited.
"I needed my friend," she confessed, giving a helpless shrug.
Clark looked blank for a moment. Then his eyes widened. "Me?"
"Of course you, lunkhead!" she exclaimed.
"But... Lois, I've always been there for you! You could always talk to me. You know that!"
Lois shook her head. "No, I couldn't, Clark. And you know it."
He looked to be about to protest again; but then he blew out a long breath. "You're right. You couldn't. I didn't want to listen."
"No. You didn't," Lois agreed. "Clark, I needed my friend. I needed to be able to talk to someone about my relationship with Lex. I needed to be able to tell someone how I felt about his proposal. I needed someone to help me understand what I wanted. And... there's no-one else I could have talked about this with. Only you. And you didn't want to know. How could I have talked about Lex Luthor with you, Clark?"
*********
She was absolutely right, Clark acknowledged with a stab of guilt. He'd never given her the opportunity. As soon as Luthor's name had been mentioned in a conversation, he'd been off on one of his rants, telling Lois that the man was the root of all evil and that she had to be mad even to consider going out with him. It was no wonder that she'd never talked much about what was going on; no wonder that it had felt like such a bombshell when she'd announced that Luthor had proposed.
Although it sounded as if Lois had been equally taken by surprise.
If he'd been less judgemental, she might have come to him and told him what was going on; she might have told him how confused she was feeling and talked things through with him, in the same way as she talked to him whenever her father called and wanted to meet up, or her mother was being irritating. It wasn't that he told her what to do, but by listening and being sympathetic he was usually able to help her decide what she wanted to do.
And he could have done the same this time - if he hadn't been so green-eyed with jealousy.
He was all she had, after all. Who else could she talk to about something like this? Certainly not her mother. And, judging from things Lois had said, her sister was hardly an expert on men or romantic relationships. So she couldn't have talked to Lucy either.
"You're right," he said softly. "I should have been there for you, and I wasn't. I'm sorry, Lois."
"Clark, no!" Lois rushed over to him and clutched at his arm. "I wasn't trying to put you in the wrong! You don’t have anything to apologise for."
"I'm not so sure about that," he said wryly. "Not on the basis of what you just explained to me."
"Clark, I'm not a kid - I can make my own decisions. And take responsibility for my own mistakes," she added, a wry note clear in her tone. "I just meant... maybe not being able to talk to you made me take Lex's proposal more seriously than I should. And that's as much my fault as yours - I mean, any time you tried to talk to me about him, I accused you of being jealous and simply refused to listen. I got angry, and that made you angry, until we just couldn't talk to each other."
And that was exactly how it had gone, Clark knew. "Lois... I don't know if it's too late, but if you need to talk, I'm here," he said quietly, and covered her hand, which was still on his arm, with his own.
"Oh, I want to talk all right." Her tone was dry, which surprised him. "I think we've got a lot to talk about."
"Okay." He nodded. "And... I'll do my best to put my own feelings aside when it comes to Lex Luthor. You need to discuss him, I can handle it."
Lois shook her head. "There's nothing to discuss as far as Lex is concerned. Well, apart from how we're going to get the Planet out of his hands and prove that he's a criminal. You will work with me on that?"
"Try and stop me!" Clark gasped. "But are you sure that's what you want, Lois? You're not going to marry him?"
"I always told you that I was thinking about his proposal. And that's all I was doing. There were... other things - other people - I also needed to think about."
Such as Superman, Clark thought, bitterness flooding back. And now, such as the fact that Superman had told her that he loved her.
Of course,
Clark had also now told her that he loved her, but he knew very well that Lois didn't want to hear that. Wasn't interested.
And yet, he remembered, the reason she'd given him as to why she hadn't left was that everything important to her was right there in his apartment...
Her best friend, he reminded himself harshly. The man she always called on when she needed a shoulder to cry on, or company for pizza and a movie, or when she'd been stood up by a date. Good old Clark, who was always there for her and would always come when she called him. Any time, day or night, he was at her service.
Just like right now. It was one-thirty in the morning; he was tired and he wanted to go to bed. And yet here he was, listening to Lois, telling her that he was there for her once more, that he would listen to whatever she wanted to talk about.
And he did it because he loved her. While she...
liked him. Loved him like a brother.
He sighed, trying to make himself push the bitterness aside. He'd already made his decision when he'd answered the door. The choice had been between letting pride and hurt feelings take over, in which case he would have ignored her knock, and swallowing all the bitterness and resolving to be her friend regardless.
Maybe he was just a doormat. But, on the other hand, he loved her. And he knew that she wasn't the shallow, uncaring person she'd seemed to be over the past few weeks. Maybe he was hoping that, one of these days, the generous, warm, caring Lois Lane would come back.
Maybe he just loved her no matter what, and until the day she walked down the aisle with another man he'd always be there for her.
"So what do you want to talk about?" he asked, making a great effort to ensure that his tone was as neutral as possible. They'd done enough shouting at each other; too much bitterness and anger had flowed between them. It was time for straight, calm talking. If that was possible...
*********
Lois bit her lip. It was obvious that she wasn't being fair to Clark. She was expecting far too much of him. She'd hurt him badly by her behaviour, that was clear. While she hadn't known that he was in love with her, she should have realised that the way she'd been behaving over Lex was hurting him.
And now she'd turned up at his apartment out of the blue and selfishly demanded that he be her friend and listen to her, help her sort out her feelings. That was what she was expecting of him, wasn't it? That he would sit down with her and help her decide what to do.
How could that possibly be fair to Clark?
He'd already walked away from her, clearly indicating that for him the conversation had gone far enough. He'd revealed more than he'd wanted, obviously.
He was in love with her.
She'd been so self-absorbed that she'd barely acknowledged his declaration even to herself.
What was Clark to her?
The best friend she'd ever had, without a doubt. The first person she always went looking for, whether she was looking for praise or sympathy. Her first choice for an undemanding, entertaining companion. The only partner she'd ever been able to work with. The only man who could hold his own in an argument with her, and who didn't drive her to thoughts of homicide.
The man without whom her life would be empty and soulless.
She did love Clark. That was a given, something she'd acknowledged a long time ago. There wasn't even a question about it. But she'd always assumed that it wasn't a sexual or romantic love. He was her best friend, and she loved him.
You were jealous when Linda King was throwing herself at him. And you hated seeing him kiss Toni Taylor.Why had she never thought that she might be
in love with Clark?
Because, she acknowledged, answering her own question, she'd long ago cast him in the mould of 'guy next door'; reliable, good company, but unexciting. Not the dashing romantic type. Certainly not the sort of man who could sweep her off her feet.
He knows how to kiss!She was an idiot, Lois told herself harshly. Shallow, foolish, juvenile, blind... all those and more. She'd completely failed to see what had been underneath her nose all along. She hadn't even recognised her own feelings.
She was in love with Clark.
But he'd never believe her now. Not after the way he'd seen her throw herself first at Superman and then at Lex Luthor. Not after she'd actually considered Lex's proposal instead of turning him down flat. And certainly not after she'd sworn undying love to Superman only a few hours earlier, something she wasn't sure whether Clark knew about, but he could probably work it out from what she'd said about Superman's confession.
No, Clark would never believe her. And anyway, she'd hurt him more than enough. It was time to be a true friend to him, and stop expecting him to pick up the pieces of her mistakes time after time.
He was looking at her expectantly, she realised when she turned her head to glance at him.
"Lois? You looked as if you were miles away." His tone was faintly amused as well as quizzical.
"Yeah, I was thinking. Look, Clark, I think I've bothered you enough for tonight. I'll get out of your way. See you in the morning, huh?"
**********
Oh no she didn't! There was no way that Clark was going to let her walk out of there now. Not when it looked as if they were finally going to have the conversation they'd needed to have for several weeks - even if it was going to crush him all over again when she told him once more that she was in love with Superman.
"Not a chance, Lois," he told her firmly. "You wanted to talk. And I want to talk too. So let's go back to the kitchen, I'll make some coffee, and we'll take as long as we need.
He thought she was going to refuse. Then, with a hesitant shrug, she said, "Okay."
His desire to have her stay was in complete contrast to his attitude earlier, Clark mused as he spooned coffee grounds into the filter machine. Not much more than half an hour ago, he'd just wanted her to leave. He'd walked away from her and into his bedroom in order to make his escape, once he'd made the mistake of telling her that he was in love with her. The thought of facing her after that had been too embarrassing.
Not that it had seemed to bother Lois; she'd come after him, after all. Although his confession seemed to have made little or no impact on her. Had she already known that he loved her? But that didn't make sense; she'd been upset because she thought he hated her.
And yet, now that she knew he was in love with her, she hadn't given any indication of a reaction. Oh, sure, she'd told him that everything of importance to her was in his apartment - meaning himself, he was sure - but he wasn't convinced that he believed that. No, Superman was the most important person in Lois's life, and she had no idea, of that he was sure, that Clark Kent was also Superman.
So why did he now want her to stay?
Not for any faint hope that he might persuade her to return his feelings, he acknowledged ruefully. That was never going to happen. But they did need to talk and to reach some understanding, even if it meant going back to the status quo ante where he was secretly in love with her and she regarded him as 'good old Clark', her best friend. As for his confession of love... with any luck, she'd forget all about it.
*********
There was no chance she could ever put Clark’s confession behind her, Lois reflected as she followed her friend into the kitchen. She mechanically reached for the mugs and sugar while he busied himself with the coffee he had promised her.
She paused in her ministrations to observe him from the corner of her eye. She didn’t think she could ever grow tired of a life that involved something as simple as that: spending time with Clark, taking pleasure in a task as mundane as coffee making, in the small, cramped space of his kitchen area, where her awareness of him was increased by his closeness.
She shook herself out of her reverie and returned her attention to the mugs. Milk. She needed milk. Well, she didn’t, but Clark always liked his coffee with some. In fact, she had often teased him that he only took a few drops of coffee in an ocean of milk. She hid a smile. Clark never seemed to mind her gentle teasing.
And that was something she couldn’t do with Lex. Or, god forbid, with Superman. She had never felt their equal. How could she?
Superman... Well, it was a given that she could never be Superman’s equal. Although, she added in a second thought, he would probably try to convince her that he wasn’t anything special. How could a man who devoted his entire life to helping others, always put everyone else’s well-being first and never thought about his own happiness, be the equal of a mere mortal like her? She had a remunerated job and paid her rent and bills. Superman had probably never seen a bill in his life, for that matter.
But how did he live? As a matter of fact,
where did he live? And how come she had never asked herself those questions before? Oh, she had occasionally wondered if Superman had a home somewhere, but she had never truly stopped to consider the issue. Deep down, she acknowledged with a sigh, she hadn’t really wanted to explore the subject, because the lack of answers would only have confirmed that Clark was right: she didn’t really know Superman. No-one really knew him. And how could she fancy herself in love with someone of whom she knew nothing at all?
But she couldn’t claim to be Superman’s equal. They were friends, yes. Not that they had spent much time together to get acquainted, but there was always something when they met, some underlying but genuine affection that she was sure didn’t come from her imagination.
He was affectionate with her, and she thought he trusted her. Mostly. As much as he could trust anyone, anyway.
And yet... she never felt anywhere as relaxed around him as she did around Clark. She didn’t feel like she could tease him and get teased in return. It just wasn’t part of her relationship with him.
As for Lex... She was always under the impression that he thought he was doing her a favour by spending time with her. She had never thought it was intentional, but his attitude had never managed to make her feel at ease around him. He was nice, but... but she missed the easy-going friendship that could relax her into their relationship and stop her worrying about his judgement of her. Teasing him was simply out of the question.
In fact, with either men she missed the kind of friendship that she had only ever found with Clark. She tried to picture herself making coffee with Superman, and stifled a giggle. It was ridiculous. As for Lex... she sobered immediately. Lex had servants to make coffee. She would be surprised if he’d ever approached a coffee-maker himself. She pushed the uncharitable thought to the back of her mind. Up until today, she hadn’t minded his wealth and the life he led.
It didn’t matter now, though, she decided, then reached for the fridge to retrieve the milk carton at last. Intent on her mission and the thoughts swirling in her mind, she bumped into her partner and yelped. Strong, gentle hands were at her waist immediately, steadying her.
She felt anything but steady when Clark’s eyes rested on her, full of concern and... and something else: the raw feelings he had confessed a few minutes earlier. Why hadn’t she seen it before? Why had she refused to acknowledge that Clark loved her, and not just as a friend? It was so very obvious now, in the way he looked at her. In the way he held her.
She swallowed and turned her gaze away, unable to sustain the intensity of his passion. Half-relieved, half-frustrated, she felt him pull away and return his attention to his task. She quashed the unwelcome craving for the touch of his hands and went back to her search for Clark’s carton of milk.
It was only when he poured the freshly brewed coffee into the mugs that he gave her a tentative smile and the tension of the atmosphere eased up a little at last.
“I don’t really know where to start,” she replied to his encouraging nod when they settled on the couch a few seconds later. “I always thought I could talk to you about anything, but somehow this is different.”
He gestured as if to take hold of her hand, but she saw him hesitate and retreat. She closed the distance between them and grasped his fingers in a firm clasp. “It shouldn’t be. Just like you shouldn’t behave differently around me now.”
She lowered her eyes to his thumb rhythmically brushing against the back of her hand.
“I don’t want you to feel pressured by what I said.”
She squeezed his hand tighter. “And I don’t want to hurt you with what I need to say.”
“Lois, I want to be your friend. I realise I’ve put my feelings first these past few weeks, and as a result I’ve - ”
“No,” she interrupted firmly. “Clark, you have to stop putting your own happiness last. You don’t even see that it’s what you’ve been doing,” she added at his puzzled frown. “If you had told me...” She ducked her head to hide the inevitable blush burning her cheeks. “... about your feelings sooner, maybe we wouldn’t have got to a point where we became uncomfortable around each other.”
He gave her a wry smile. “Or your rejection would have sent me away to lick my wounds. To be honest, I’m not even sure why I’m not out walking the streets and drowning my sorrow.”
“I haven’t rejected you.”
He pulled his hand out of hers and looked down. “Lois, you can ask me to be your friend. You can ask me to listen to you about your relationship with... Luthor. You can even ask me to try and be fair about him, although I’m not sure I can promise you that.” He turned to her again, and his expression left her in no doubt that he wasn’t joking. “But don’t play with my feelings. Don’t make me long for something you can’t give. Don’t make me hope when you know it’s hopeless.”
The look on his face, and even more the raw feelings which his words exposed, left her shaken. He was her friend, and he was in pain. He was her friend, and the wrong word from her right now could cause him deep hurt.
How had she failed to notice how she’d been hurting her best friend?
How could she convince him that the last thing she wanted, now, was to hurt him? How could she convince him, after all that she’d done, that she wanted what he wanted?
“I promise you that I’m not playing,” she told him softly. “I don’t want to hurt you, Clark. I never wanted to hurt you. I know I’ve done an extremely poor job of it lately, but you have to believe it’s the last thing I wanted to do. I don’t think Lex is the problem here any more. Superman seems so certain of his guilt; I guess he convinced me to be cautious around Lex at last.”
“Where I failed,” Clark muttered sourly.
“I’m sorry I wouldn’t listen to you,” she told him, pulling a wry, self-critical grimace. “I’ve been stupidly stubborn about this. And I admit that after a while I persevered with Lex just to prove a point with you. But it went further than I had bargained for.”
“When he proposed.”
“Yeah. I didn’t expect it. And I didn’t know what to say. Clark, he was taking me to dinner in *Italy*!”
“Well, all right. Few people could offer you a dashing life involving dinner in Milan.”
She winced at his obvious bitterness. “It’s not what attracted me to him.”
“I know it’s not, Lois. I never thought it was his money that attracted you.”
“Thank you. But... the problem isn’t Lex. In fact, it’s probably never been Lex,” she confessed, biting her lip.
“Then what is it? Oh... Superman, right?”
“Not just him.” She sighed and rose to her feet. He flinched, but didn’t hold her back. “And this is why it’s a bad idea to talk about this whole situation.”
“Why?” he asked dejectedly. “Why won’t you talk to me?”
Why won’t you trust me?He didn’t say it aloud, but she heard the unspoken question all right.
“Because I can’t ask you to help me sort out feelings that concern you!”
********
Feelings that concern you.Clark had been about to get to his feet in an attempt to draw Lois back into his arms - he hated to see her hurting, even when the reason why she was hurting was causing him pain too. He’d intended to persuade her that she could trust him with anything she needed to confess.
But her last words, exclaimed as if she hadn’t been able to help herself, halted him. What did she mean?
Hesitantly, he tried to feel his way through the situation. “Lois, if you mean that you don’t love me the way that I love you - well, I know that. I never expected you to... and don’t worry, I won’t ever mention it again. I can be your friend, you know that - now that you’re not marrying Luthor, I can be happy -”
“Clark!” Lois’s agitated interruption finally silenced him. “Clark, you’ve got it all wrong -”
“How?” he questioned her instantly, shaking his head in puzzled frustration. “Lois, you’re in love with Superman. You told me that. And - well, he loves you too. So just what does any of this have to do with me? How have I suddenly become the issue here?”
Suddenly, Lois slumped down onto the sofa again and threw her head back against the cushions. “Because... you are,” she said softly. “You always were. And I’ve only just admitted it to myself.”
Clark sat beside her, not touching her. “I don’t understand.”
“You were right. And so was Superman,” she explained, leaving him no further enlightened. “I can’t love Superman. How can I? I don’t know him. And, like he said, it’s not as if we could have a normal relationship anyway. I - I think I allowed my admiration for him and everything good he does to get in the way of practicality... I mean, I do care about him, but I really know very little about him.”
She was right there! Clark thought wryly. “I... know that he does care about you, too, Lois. But... you know that he’s not going to date you or anything.”
“I know. I faced that today, finally,” she agreed, turning so that she was looking at him again. “The thing is, all of that - talking to Superman earlier, talking to you tonight - made me recognise something I’ve ignored for a very long time. And that’s what I’m scared to tell you about, Clark. It isn’t that I don’t trust you, I swear it! It’s that -”
She hesitated, and he reached for her hand again, squeezing it in encouragement.
“- I’m afraid that you won’t believe me,” she finished on a whisper.
He wouldn’t believe her? What on earth could she possibly be talking about here? Of course he’d believe her - she was his best friend, and he’d never known her to lie about anything important. And this clearly was very important.
“Lois, tell me,” he murmured. “You know you can tell me anything. We can sort this out between us, you know we can. What are friends for?”
She snorted at that and shook her head, looking away from him. “I know what friends aren’t for, Clark. They’re not for trampling over, as I’ve done to you again and again. They’re not for taking advantage of, and I keep doing that to you. They’re not there to be used, to be hurt, and to be taken for granted. I’ve done all that to you too many times. I won’t do it any more. It’s just not fair. I hate myself for the way I’ve treated you, Clark,” she finished bitterly. “That’s why I can’t tell you about this. Not just because you won’t believe me, but because I don’t deserve to have you believe me.”
Her harsh, self-critical tirade pulled at his heart-strings. Clark had often seen Lois angry before, of course, but never so furious, so bitter, against herself. He’d imagined, somehow, that he was the only person hurting in this situation; that was clearly not true.
Lois was in pain here too. And he hated to see her hurting.
“Lois, don’t talk like that,” he urged her. “Tell me. Whatever it is, you can tell me. And then let’s see if I believe you. Of course I’ll believe you!”
She turned her gaze to his again, and her eyes shimmered with tears. “Okay. Let’s see how you believe this, then! I love you, Clark. I’m in love with you!”
His jaw dropped. All knowledge of the English language left his brain.
Lois
loved him?
No. No, it couldn’t be true.
How could she? She was in love with Superman. She’d told him so time and time again. She’d sworn undying love to him, as Superman, only that afternoon. She’d pleaded with him to have a relationship with her as Superman.
And now she was telling him, as Clark, that she loved him?
“You’re right. I don’t believe you,” he said flatly, getting up from the couch and walking into the kitchen.
How could she do that to him? How could she lie to him like that? Pretending feelings that he knew she didn’t - couldn’t - feel. Was she trying to hurt him even more than she already had?
What on earth made her think that he’d believe a word of it?
“I think you’d better leave, Lois,” he said abruptly, harshly, without turning to look at her.
*********
To be concluded in Part 3
