Okay, you all have TEEEJ to thank for this being longer rather than shorter...but I was going to leave off on a...well, you'll see 
Let's all hope that part 8 comes out this weekend. 
From Part 6Oh, God. She was scared of him. Didn’t trust him. She’d averted he gaze so swiftly when she’d caught him staring. She didn’t look scared so much though, as she did hurt, hurt that he could do something like he’d done when she’d trusted him. Maybe she wouldn’t accept his apology. Maybe he just shouldn’t apologize at all. He could just leave. Let her get on with her life. If he staged some sort of public breakup, he could leave. Move somewhere far away. Then she’d be able to grieve for Clark’s absence publicly. She could hate him for leaving her alone and pregnant. And then maybe H.G. Wells would see the flaw in his little scheme, whatever it was, and he’d take him back home. Back to where he could be miserable all by himself. No more pretending. Pretending to be happy. Pretending that he wasn’t in love. Pretending that this wasn’t killing him inside. He could just be himself again. His lonely, miserable, pathetic self.
Except who would she have then? Clark’s parents? But they couldn’t be here everyday. He could. Even if it was only his miserable, pathetic self, she needed somebody, somebody who knew what it felt like, somebody who could understand. Leave Lois Lane?
No, he couldn’t do that. As much as it would make it easier on him to just move on, he couldn’t leave her alone. It wouldn’t be right. And his leaving would just make things worse for her, especially if *her* Clark did come back. How would she explain wanting to even talk to him again?
He sighed heavily and looked at the clock. Time to face the music. He gathered his notes and research into a neat pile on his desk and placed them in a folder. After making doubly sure that every open file was saved and closed, he shut down the computer. He chanced a quick glance at Lois to see if she was ready. Well, close enough. He stood, grabbing his suit coat and putting it on. Slowly. Anything to delay the approaching storm. He was nervous. Nervous like when he’d asked Lana to marry him. No. Nervous like right before he’d told Lana the truth about himself. Afraid of what she might think and how she might react. He’d been right to be anxious then. Hopefully this time, his fears would be unfounded.
Securing the file folder in his grasp and pushing in his chair, he braced himself and headed towards Lois’ desk. He cleared his throat. "Uh…Lois? You ready to go?"
She only nodded and started gathering her things. He waited for her, trying his best not to fidget. Her movements were stiff and robotic, but he listened to her heart and found it was racing. Probably with anger, or at least indignation towards him. They made their way to the elevator and down to the lobby in silence. Incredibly uncomfortable silence.
What if she didn’t want to take him home? It wasn’t like he’d be hard pressed for a ride. What if this was just one more thing she resented him for? She’d been driving him to and from work out of habit the past few months; what if she just couldn’t find a way to tell him? Let him down easy? Well, they were both now standing outside her jeep now, each like they wanted to say something. He’d make it easy on her, rather than make both of them endure another muted, unnerving car ride.
"Lois?"
She looked up at him, allowing him to really see her eyes for the first time in two days. They were filled with hurt. "Yeah, Clark?"
He looked away. "You don’t have to take me home if you don’t want to. I can…you know…" he made a flying gesture with his hand, "…get there on my own."
He waited for her sigh of relief and the jab to his heart it would bring with it. But it didn’t come and he brought his eyes back to hers.
***
She knew it. He didn’t want to be around her anymore. She couldn’t blame him really. She tried to answer him, but her first attempt came out as a squeak. She cleared her throat and tried again. "If…if you’d rather, that’s fine. I understand if you don’t want to be near me anymore than you already have to."
Lois took in a deep breath and waited for his sigh of relief, bracing herself for the stab of pain she was sure would accompany it. She really didn’t want to be alone right now and besides, they needed to talk. She needed to apologize. Even if he didn’t want to be around her, he still needed to know that she hadn’t meant it.
"Lois…"
Here it comes.
"Lois…"
There was pain in his voice. Pain and confusion. She looked back up at him, hoping the tears she felt building up in her eyes weren’t visible to Clark.
"Lois, why would you think that? I thought that…well…I thought that *you* wouldn’t want to be around *me*."
She swiped at one of the disobedient tears falling down her cheek. She thought she’d told them to stay put. "Well…I…I just thought that…"
The lump in her throat made it hard to speak though she really wasn’t sure what to say anyway. She wasn’t sure what to think. And suddenly all the emotions that had built up over the past two days, over the past few months, attacked her at once. She started sobbing, clutching at her stomach and covering her eyes the best she could with her other hand in some sort of feeble attempt to look not so inconsolable.
Apparently, and to her great relief, it wasn’t any use because she found herself in Clark’s arms, her head buried in his chest. She sagged against him, letting him comfort her, rub her back, and whisper against her ear. He stroked her hair and told her softly, "Oh, Lois, don’t ever think that. Please. Please don’t cry. I can’t bear it when you cry. Shhh."
The intensity faded after a few moments, but she was still in his arms, trying to match her breathing to the gentle rhythm he’d established as he stroked her back. She didn’t say anything for a long while and just let him hold her. She needed to be held, regardless of which Clark was doing the holding. He pulled back slowly and his finger on her chin brought her eyes back into contact with his.
Her voice was quiet and it trembled a bit. "So, you don’t hate me?"
He shook his head. "No. God, no, Lois. I could never hate you. I’m just surprised that you don’t hate me."
"Why would I hate you?"
He shifted his gaze and looked at his feet. "The other night…I want you to know, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to…I thought I was…"
"Dreaming."
"Yeah."
She felt the blush rising in her cheeks. "Me too."
"So, we’re okay?"
She found his eyes again. Those reliable, reassuring brown eyes. "Yeah, we’re okay."
He pulled her close again and wrapped his arms around her.
She stayed there for a moment, relieved to have her friend back. She pulled away slowly. "So, you want to get out of here? We could go to my place and talk."
"Sure. I’d like that."
***
Clark sat on her couch while Lois was in the kitchen making tea. He breathed a sigh of relief. She didn’t hate him. In fact, this whole time, she’d been blaming herself. What a pair they both were. He’d been relieved to find that while he was still attracted to her, still wanted her, the fervor was far less intense now. He was glad that there were no hard feelings and they even seemed to be comfortable with each other again if the car ride was any indication.
Lois came into the living room with two steaming mugs. "Oolong tea," she announced, handing him one of the mugs. "Clark’s favorite. No caffeine and it’s rather soothing."
He smiled. "Thanks."
She sat down on the other end of the couch. "You’re welcome." She blew on her tea a bit before she took a sip. "So, you dream about her? Your Lois?"
The question startled him a bit, but he answered. "Yeah." He couldn’t be sure that it was *his* Lois he’d been dreaming about. He’d never seen her. But Lois didn’t need to know that.
"It must be hard to wake up knowing…she’s not there."
Yeah. Hard was one way to put it. He just nodded and the silence stretched out between them. But, thankfully, it wasn’t oppressive like the last few days had been. It must be hard for her too, waking up to find Clark gone, night after night. Especially if she dreamt about him. He knew how she felt, though she had a shade more hope of her lover waking beside her in the future. He’d never have that. But it’d be nice to know what it was like, especially considering he might just stay celibate for the rest of his life.
He itched to know what he’d be missing, what he’d been missing. Not just the physical aspect, but the emotional as well. He looked up at Lois. She was sipping her tea and watching him. "Tell me about him, Lois. Was it easy for him to fall in love with you?"
She smiled wistfully. "Yeah. He always told me it was love at first sight for him. He’d always felt sort of lost, not really sure that he belonged here. But he told me he knew when he met me. He knew that he’d finally found his place. He said that was what kept him going until the day I told him I loved him too. All of him. Not just Superman or Clark, but the real him." She let out an airy chuckle. "We must have been a sight for Martha and Jonathan. Clark head over heels in love with me and me head over heels in love with Superman. I swear, he was such a lunkhead. Always jealous of himself."
"Oh?" That sounded, well, absurd.
"I guess this secret identity, dual personality thing is a little hard for me to imagine. You really thought he was two separate men? And he was jealous of himself?"
"Yeah. I guess love really is blind. But he was blind too. He was hurt that I loved Superman while I only tolerated Clark. We ended up hurting each other quite a bit before we made it to where we are…where we were when he left."
"I’m sorry, Lois. If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand."
"No, I don’t mind. Besides, there are a lot of things I never told anyone."
"I guess you couldn’t, huh?"
"No. No one but Martha and Jonathan know Clark is Superman. Well, and Tempus. But he, thankfully, is back where he belongs in a Utopian prison. Hopefully being bored to death."
"Yeah," he smiled a little. He guessed if he wanted to blame anyone for the way his life was, it’d be Tempus. But he didn’t want to think about that. "So, I guess other than Clark’s little self-jealousy issue, he didn’t have to endure too much suffering when it came to you." He smiled wistfully, wishing his life had only been that easy. But Lois wasn’t smiling. "What happened?"
She set her mug down on the coffee table and tucked her legs beneath her. He set his mug down as well.
"I…" she took a shuddering breath. "I don’t even know where to start with that one. Looking back on it now, I feel so stupid, so ignorant.
"A few years ago, the Planet was bombed. Destroyed beyond repair. Everyone – me, Clark, Perry, Jimmy – we were all just left floundering, our futures uncertain. The Planet was everything to me. I wasn’t really sure what my life would be like without it. I was pretty emotional then, lost really. And Lex Luthor offered me what I thought was a lifeline. He proposed to me and I almost married him."
"Lex Luthor? The philanthropist? The humanitarian? You almost married him?"
She gave him a derisive snort. "Humanitarian? Ha! But I’ll get to that. Yeah, I almost married him. I wouldn’t have if…well…" She blushed and looked a little ashamed of herself. "I tried to convince Superman that I loved him and when he refused me, quite harshly, I felt Luthor was my only option."
"But why did you have to get married at all? And if Clark was so in love with you, why did he refuse you?"
She sighed. "Lex first, then Clark. This gets a little complicated. I felt so insecure with my life in upheaval and Lex was offering me stability, security. If you ask me why I accepted, I still couldn’t tell you for sure. But I know I broke Clark’s heart."
"But why? Why didn’t he just tell you he loved you too?"
"Because at the time I was pouring my heart out to Superman, I’d just broken Clark’s heart."
"I’m sorry. I’m not following." They were the same person. What was the difference?
"Clark knew Lex had proposed to me and he decided he’d do anything to keep me from marrying such an evil man."
He raised his eyebrows at that. "Lex Luthor, evil?"
"Yeah. A criminal mastermind. But anyway, Clark thought that if he confessed, I wouldn’t marry Lex. He told me he was in love with me. But at that point in our relationship, I just wasn’t willing to admit I felt about Clark that way, especially not to him. He was my best friend. I wasn’t about to do anything to! risk that. That and the fact that I was so in love with Superman. So I told him. I watched his heart break while I told him I just didn’t feel that way about him. The biggest mistake I ever made. And then I did the unthinkable. I asked him to find Superman for me."
"Ouch."
"Exactly. But of course, Clark being Clark, he came to me later that night as Superman. I poured my heart out to him and expressed my all-consuming love for him. I told him I’d love him if he were just an ordinary man, living an ordinary life. For obvious reasons, he didn’t believe me. I was devastated and that combined with the pain and uncertainty of my future, I told Lex I’d marry him. It wasn’t until I was walking down the aisle towards another man that I realized I really *was* in love with Clark. I said ‘I can’t’ instead of ‘I do’ right before the police burst in to arrest Lex. Turns out he was the one that bombed the Planet in the first place, not to mention countless other crimes he’d committed. He even tried to kill Clark."
"Wow." He was stunned by this revelation, and more than a little ashamed of himself for envying Clark for having it so easy. Or so he’d thought. Life hadn’t been handed to him on a silver platter. Even still, he felt the other Clark’s life was better compared to his. *He* still had Lois.
Lois’ yawn caught his attention. "It’s late. I should probably get going."
"Yeah, I didn’t realize how tired I was." She gave him a drowsy smile and got up when he rose from the couch. "Thanks for listening."
"Anytime, Lois. It was…enlightening. Though I’m sorry to stir up so many bad memories."
"No, it was good to talk about. I never got to tell anyone the whole story before."
He followed her to the door and opened it, turning back to look at her. "Well, anytime you want to talk, let me know."
"Thanks, Clark. I will."
"Goodnight, Lois."
"Goodnight, Clark."
***
Clark waited until he heard the locks engage before he made his way out into the night. He turned into the nearest alley and took to the skies, flying high above the clouds so no one could see. He wasn’t sure how he felt. Happy? Guilty? Sad? Relieved?
He was relieved that she was still talking to him. The guilt was still there, though. He didn’t really belong in this universe. He was sure of that now. Hearing Lois talk about Clark they way she had, he knew that there would never be room for anyone else in her heart. Least of all him. It was a sobering thought. He was doomed to love someone he could never have, whether it was this Lois or his own. His counterpart *had* known what it felt like to love someone and not have that love returned. But lucky for him, he hadn’t had to wait forever. *He* wasn’t cursed with the knowledge that there was no one for him to love. Ever.
Clark found himself above the stratosphere, just drifting. Not part of the stars, not part of the earth. In his own universe, he’d come up here to think, just be by himself, wondering where he fit in, if he belonged. He still didn’t have the answer to that question. He only knew one thing for sure; that he didn’t belong in this world, where all he was, was a mere shadow of the luckiest man alive.
Even knowing that, he still wasn’t sure he wanted to go home either. It wasn’t that he wanted to stay here, there was nothing here for him but heartache. But wasn’t that exactly what was waiting for him at home too? He didn’t really have any friends. Sure, Perry could be counted as a friend, but really, now that Perry was mayor, he couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t just kept around for publicity. Good relations. Mayor White and his friend Superman, dedicated to keeping Metropolis safe for you. He sighed. Maybe Perry didn’t think of him that way, but how could he be sure? There weren’t many people he trusted completely. And Perry, unfortunately now, was not one of them.
The only one he’d really trusted had been Lana, and she was no longer speaking to him. Lana…and Lois. He’d trusted Lois. For some ridiculous, inexplicable reason, he’d trusted that crazy woman who’d stormed into his life. And he still trusted her. Only, when he went back to his own universe, she wouldn’t be there for him to trust. Or to call a friend.
And that left him with…himself. Back to where he’d started before he’d even come here. Alone. Forever alone.
***
Lois was curled up in bed, staring at her journal. Should she write? Should she tell Clark what happened? Well, maybe Clark wasn’t coming back. He’d been gone almost four months now. She sighed. She needed to write. And if Clark came back, she’d just…she just wouldn’t let him read it. It was her journal after all. She picked up her pen and opened the journal, laying flat out on her stomach and propping herself up.
Clark’s been gone for four months now. Well, just about. I keep feeling little flutters in my stomach. The baby. It’s amazing knowing that there’s a life growing inside of me. Part of Clark. Every time I feel it, I turn to tell him…and then I realize it’s not him. It’s the other Clark. I think about telling! him, but by then, the excitement’s gone. I should be able to tell Clark. *My* Clark. All these little moments that we should be sharing, he’s missing them. I’m trying hard not to resent him. Really I am. But it’s hard. I know it’s selfish of me. I shouldn’t be mad or hurt that he’s gone. But I am sometimes. He should be here with me, not with those heartless, soulless New Kryptonians. He must feel so alone. I hope he’s not scared or hurting. Or dead.
I keep wondering if he would have stayed had he known about the baby. I want to say that he would have. If I know Clark at all, I know that he wouldn’t have been able to leave me alone and pregnant. But I know it would have torn him apart. He never *wanted* to go with them. He just felt he had to. And he felt it was the only way he was going to learn about his origins. His heritage. I hope he has. Though, I worry he won’t like what he learns. What I saw of Zara and Ching, I can’t imagine that the Kryptonian way of life is a good one. What good is a life without love or emotion? My heart hurts for Clark because I’m afraid he’ll find out exactly that. In a way, it’s almost like the way the other Clark lives his life. Without love.
The other Clark, the one that *is* here now. The one I can’t help but be attracted to. Oh, God, I still feel so guilty for betraying you, Clark. I didn’t think it was him I was kissing. I thought it was you. I’d thought you’d come home, Clark. I was so happy, so relieved. And then, in an instant, the dream was shattered. It wasn’t you at all. It was him. Would I have made love to him if he hadn’t stopped us? Oh, Clark, I’m so sorry. I know it won’t happen again. I guess I was just missing you too much. He looks exactly like you, sounds like you, he even kisses like you. What if destiny is writing me a new future? One without you in it? What if you’re not supposed to come home? What if the other Clark is supposed to stay here? Would you be okay with that? Would *I* be okay with that? Everything in my hearts screams ‘no,’ but you’re not here. I’ve never tried my hand at poetry, but this poem’s been drifting around in my head all day.
I’m sad, but you’re not here to brighten my day.
I’m crying, but you’re not here to kiss the tears away.
I’m happy, but you’re not here to share it with.
I’m down, but you’re not here to give me a lift.
I’m upset, but you’re not here to listen to me.
I’m guilty, but you’re not here to set me free.
I’m scared, but you’re not here to stop my fears.
I’m crying, but you’re not here to stop the tears.
I’m hurting, but you’re not here to ease the pain.
I’m crazy, but you’re not here to keep me sane.
I’m blind, but you’re not here to help me see.
I’m dying, but you’re not here to save me.
I miss you, but you’re not here.***
Clark made his way back to Metropolis, back to “his” apartment. But it wasn’t really his. Just like everything else here. Not really his. This apartment. This job. Lois. The baby. Not really his. He just got to pretend for a while, like test driving a luxury car that you knew you’d never qualify for. Clark would never really have this kind of life. The question was, would it cause him more heartache in the long run to pretend that this *was* his? Every time he got to touch Lois, every time he kissed her, he felt that little rush. That little feeling of home that was getting stronger as the weeks went by.
He spun into a pair of boxers and let himself fall onto his bed without even bothering to pull back the covers. He wanted to scream. Or cry. Or something. Even flying hadn’t helped. Nothing helped anymore. Why was he here? There was no point to his life. No purpose in the grand scheme of things. Not here. And not in his universe. Was life just some cruel game? Some entertainment for the fates to see how much Superman could take before he gave up? Well if it was, he forfeited. “I give up! You hear me? I’ve had enough!”
But no one heard him. Holding back the tears was useless, so he gave up on that too, and let them fall freely down his face.
He wished someone, something, *anything*, would take the pain away. Everyone thought Superman was invulnerable. Hah! He closed his eyes, hoping to shut out the world, praying that the pain worse than kryptonite would just go away.
***
tbc....
