Chapter 4
And The Answer Is
Clark flew further that night than he had in a long time, hoping that during the flight he'd come up with some kind of answer to Lois's totally insane proposal. As much as he longed to make love to Lois -- he'd fantasized about it often enough -- this wasn't quite how he wanted it to happen.
And a baby... that was just too much to consider. There was just no way he could go through with that.
Yet, he'd felt himself drawn to her and had followed his instincts, as he always did where Lois was concerned. Hours later, he found himself floating above her apartment block and noticed that, though her rooms were in darkness, the window was left unlocked, a sure sign that Lois wanted to invite Superman inside.
Clark quietly let himself in and went to stand at the bedroom door to watch her sleep. He felt like an intruder, yet couldn't quite bring himself to leave. It wasn't often he got to see a peaceful Lois and she looked so beautiful in repose. Her steady breathing and the stillness of the moonlit room calmed him, making him almost afraid to move, but eventually his exhaustion won out and he settled in the chair next to Lois' bed.
Leaning forward, he cupped his chin in his hands and stared at the person he'd come to love above all others. If only he knew what had prompted Lois' foolish, but generous offer, or what she really felt for him. But then, he already knew the answer to both these questions.
If he agreed, Lois was willing to sleep with him and to conceive and bear his child... even raise that child. That had to be the ultimate act of compassion and caring, and Clark had never been fooled by the front Lois showed to the world. She was both of these things, and she'd fight to the end for whatever and whoever she believed in. There wouldn't be a problem if he could accept that, but he wanted more... he wanted Lois to love him.
<What would you have if you died?> his inner voice told him. He sighed deeply as he lay back, his eyes drifting closed. There was only so much a man, even a super man, could stand in one day.
Lois woke in the early morning hours to find Clark, dressed as Superman, sleeping soundly in her chair. He had stretched out and his head was thrown back against the cushions. It wasn't a surprise to find him there; she'd expected to see him the night before. She knew he had to be thinking about her proposal and they still had a lot to talk about. In fact, if Lois wanted Clark to agree, she realised she had to break down his very understandable resistance. This time it wasn't something she relished, riding roughshod over someone else's principles and beliefs, but there really was no other choice --the stakes were too high. With great determination, she rolled out of bed and went to kneel beside him.
Clark's eyes fluttered open when Lois put her hand on his forehead. He gawked at her for a few seconds, surprised to find her there, until his brain caught up with his eyes and he managed to mouth a weak, "Hi!"
"Hi. You're warm. Do you feel okay?" Her voice was full of concern as she continued to kneel at his side.
"Not really. I stayed out late last night. Guess I overdid it."
"You have to take better care of yourself," she suggested firmly, but not in a menacing way. The last thing she needed was to start this conversation with another argument.
Clark smiled a little. "I was hoping you'd do that."
Lois' expression was completely serious as she stood up. "I would if you'd let me."
He lay there, staring at her for several minutes, realising this was Lois' opening gambit in breaking down his objections. "Lois, if we did this, and I'm not saying that we are going ahead, people couldn't know you were doing something like that for Superman."
"I know that. They'd think I was doing it for Clark."
Clark winced at that. "See, that's my first problem... I don't want people to think you're willing to have my baby just to save my life. Do you know how long you'd have to listen to that?"
"Clark, I really don't give a damn what people think," she answered, a bit sarcastically.
"I do!"
"Okay, fine. Just what do you propose we do?" She crossed her arms in the classic Lane-challenge stance, forgetting, for the moment, that she'd promised herself not to be confrontational.
"I don't know!" He sat up straighter, the heavy material of his cape dragging at his shoulders. "It would just kill me to have people think that way... and, in a few years, what if our child heard that repeated?"
"Let them think what they want to, Clark," Lois cut him off abruptly. "And by the time our child is old enough to understand, people will have forgotten the details. You know how it is, Clark... gossip is just a 'seven day wonder'. Let's not overanalyse this. Let's just do it."
"Do what? Go at it like rabbits and walk away in nine months? What, Lois? Tell me! Let's just do what?! Because that's not me!" He'd raised his voice to a near shout and his expression was one of complete agitation and confusion.
When he'd come here, he'd intended to talk this through as unemotionally as he could, to thank Lois for her unselfish offer, but to make her see how impossible it was. Then to suggest he get on with the rest of his short life, hopefully with her friendship to help him through the difficult times. Only the entire situation was wreaking havoc with his nerves and he'd lost his composure.
Part of him wanted to scream, 'yes, let's make a baby so I won't have to die', while the more logical part of him calmly repeated, 'I can't do this!' However, his mind failed to comprehend exactly what 'this' was, or indeed why he was so against it! Didn't he want a chance to live?
Lois took a deep breath, quieting the fast beat of her heart -- she couldn't afford to lose her own temper here. "Clark, I understand what you're getting at, and I have thought about this. I know what it'll be like having a baby... well, as much as any baby-less woman can know," she conceded with a wry grin. "It means we'll be linked for the rest of our lives, and I wouldn't expect anything different. So if you're worried about not being part of your child's life, then that's just not going to happen."
The sinews of Clark's neck stood out like bands of steel and Lois chanced laying a hand on his arm, hoping to soothe him a little, while her voice continued low and steady. "And yes, I do know it won't be easy and it will be a huge responsibility. I'm not even saying I'm sure how everything else will work, but it's something we can get through together. Clark, I'm willing to do this any way you want to. If I'm willing to try, why can't you even consider it?"
"I have considered it." He pushed up from his chair, shrugging off her hand and walked into the kitchen. God, his best friend, who happened to be the woman he was in love with, had told him she wanted to have his baby in an attempt to save his life. Did she honestly expect him to think about anything else?!
Lois lifted her little chin resolutely and followed, waiting for him to continue.
"I flew around most of last night, thinking of little else," he admitted when he turned to face her again. "Lois, how can we do this?" His expression pleaded with her to understand without him having to explain further, because he wasn't sure that he could.
"How can we not? Clark, you act like you're afraid to live."
"Don't be ridiculous. Living doesn't bother me; it's the act to get me there I'm having trouble with." The short bark of laughter that accompanied these words was mirthless.
"Is the thought of having sex with me that bad?"
"No!" Clark was quick to refute that idea. "It's the thought of you looking at me one day and regretting it. I would die if we made this perfect little person, who would be totally blameless in all this, and have you look at him or her and ask yourself what you were thinking when you agreed to this."
"I would never do that." That accusation hurt, but again she tamped down her normal explosive reply. "Clark, you can't think that I'd ever blame or take my frustrations out on an innocent child. I'm not that soul-less!"
Clark looked suitably chastised. He remembered the incident of the 'smart kids' when, despite herself, Lois had grown very fond of a young girl she'd had in her care while they investigated the case. She'd even visited Aymee and her younger sister in the orphanage a few times until the girls had been fostered upstate, and she'd been sad to see them go.
"I'm sorry, Lois. I know that. I've known that for a long time. I just don't think you're aware of all the consequences." Lois scrunched her face and glared at him. "Lois, a baby that we'd make, no matter how we did it, would mean more to me than just my life. It would mean… that we, you and I, came together as one. We'd share a bond forever, a very strong one."
"I've already told you I realise that, but I'm willing to do this anyway. In fact, I *want* to do this! Clark, if the roles were reversed and there was something you could do to save my life, wouldn't you? Scratch that. You've saved my life more times than I can count." She leaned her arms on the kitchen counter and thought of something else to say to try to convince him this was a good idea.
Meanwhile, Clark sighed and moved on to another subject which they hadn't tackled yet. "Lois, don't you think it's wrong to bring a child into the world to... harvest its marrow?" Clark visibly flinched over those words. He hated to refer to 'the idea' that way, but wasn't that exactly what they were thinking of doing? And obviously Lois wasn't any more comfortable with the phrasing.
"You make it sound as if the kid will be some kind of crop," she snapped at him.
"There will certainly be a lot of people who view it that way," Clark said baldly, looking decidedly ill at ease.
Lois couldn't deny that one. There had been a few times she'd questioned that aspect herself. Was it morally right for them to have a child to save another's life? They could argue that point all day long, but the simple fact was that she didn't believe there was a clear answer. There would always be those who would be appalled that a child should be conceived for that reason -- they'd probably think that the two of them had played God. And yet, Lois was pretty sure that there would be others who would support them, say that it was an understandable act of love. In her opinion, it really boiled down to whether they both believed it was something they could accept.
As if reading her mind, Clark spoke again. "I guess there will always be arguments on that subject."
"Yes there would. But this isn't just a moral argument for us, Clark. This is a matter of what we could live with or without. Personally, I don't want to try living without you. Besides, wouldn't you like to be a father?"
"Not like this."
"But haven't you ever thought about one day being someone's daddy?"
"I suppose...."
"Good, because I think you'd make a wonderful father."
"At what cost?" That thought was whispered as he glanced away from her momentarily. It appeared his partner had already reckoned the cost and thought it worthwhile. The pity of it was that he just couldn't decide. "Lois, as much as I'd love to be someone's father, this is insane."
"I'll bet your mother doesn't see it that way, or your father. They would probably like for their son to try any cure available to save himself."
A picture of his mom's face when they'd last talked came into Clark's mind and he found he couldn't refute that point.
"If you were my child and you were dying, I'd want you to do everything humanly possible to stay alive. And in doing that, you're saving so many others." Lois wasn't averse to using some emotional blackmail when the stakes were so high, and she certainly wasn't averse to using a little physical attraction either. She walked closer, till she was standing directly in front of him. "I'm willing to trade a big part of my life for yours... to have your child."
Clark's eyes met hers. He saw so many emotions there. He saw compassion, honesty, anger, and fear. He also saw determination.
"Trade, Lois? That seems like we're negotiating a business deal here."
"I'm sorry, Clark. Bad choice of words!" Lois bit down on her lip in frustration, reminding herself to go very carefully here. Clark was so completely strung out about the whole situation -- another wrong word and he'd probably bolt. "But this is your life! Clark, why would you be willing to die when there's a way to save yourself? Because you're worried about how I'll feel? Come on. I'm a big girl. I'm offering to do this. I know all the ramifications of what this will entail. Have you stopped to think that maybe, just maybe this child is meant to be? Think about it. This is a wild scenario."
"No kidding. That has to be the understatement of the year!" The quip was sarcastic and Lois blanched. Cynicism didn't suit her partner.
Clark opened his mouth to speak once more, but shut it again. Lois could be right. Maybe this was meant to be.
What was he thinking? This was not meant to be. He looked up when Lois put her hand on his arm once more.
"Clark, if the sex is the problem we can do this artificially."
He rubbed the back of his neck with a grimace, but this time he didn't step away. "That seems so… impersonal. Hell, the kid would already be coming into the world because of necessity instead of want."
"Now that's where I think you're wrong." Clark's eyes widened as Lois continued. "I agree with artificial conception being so impersonal, but regardless of how we conceive, would this child be any less loved?"
"What?"
"Clark, you told me this child would mean a lot to you. Would he or she mean any less being conceived in one manner over another?"
"Of course not!" He was shocked she could even ask him that question. Yet honesty compelled him to admit he'd thrown a few unfair charges at her in the course of this argument.
"Then I think the real question should be, do you want this baby?'"
"And if I say yes, how do I stop feeling incredibly guilty for putting you in such a position?"
"You aren't putting me in any position! I offered to do this." She stared challengingly into Clark's eyes for a moment. "You still think I'm offering to save Superman, don't you?"
When Clark dropped his eyes from hers, she felt her anger rise. She hadn't wanted to bring the superhero into their... discussion... she refused to call it a fight. "Even after what I said earlier?" He couldn't answer, only look back up at her with pain-filled eyes. "Tell me," she said with more calm than she felt. "Why do you think I'm doing this?"
Clark let out a slow breath. "Lois, I just feel you haven't thought this through. You're mixed up over what you feel about me since you found out who I am."
"Oh come on, Clark. Be honest. Tell me the truth."
Clark's frustration peaked. "Fine! I don't want you to look at our baby one day and think the only reason he or she is alive is because, in one moment of sorrow, you had a flash of inspiration and saw a means to save Superman for the world!"
"Is that what you think I'm doing?"
"I don't know. I… all I know is that you say you want this. At the same time, I don't think you know what… or who you want." Clark turned from her and took a long, deep breath.
She laid a hand on his shoulder. "Clark, can't you forget about my Superman crush? Because, believe me, I have." Clark didn't see the fingers of Lois' other hand cross at that tiny, infinitesimal white lie. She still couldn't deny to a little weakening of the knees when she saw him in the Suit, but she'd convinced herself it was now a purely physical reaction. Her eyes, of their on violation, slid very quickly over his well defined form. After all, he did look good!
Meanwhile Clark was conflicted. Strangely that piece of information didn't please him as much as he'd thought it would.
"I know now that Clark is the real person and Superman is what you can do. But you can't deny that you invented Superman so you could use your powers to rescue people without giving away your secret. You might have been wearing the suit and cape at the time, but what was it you said in the newsroom? 'I'm here to help!' Those were your words, Clark, no matter which guise you were in when you said them. And you have helped everyone so much. You can't abandon us all now. You have a duty to do everything you can to save yourself for the world!"
Under her fingers, Lois could sense Clark's body go limp -- like a rag doll in colourful clothes. He threw her a despairing look which told her she'd hit home. "You fight dirty, Lois!"
"Clark, I'll fight every way I can when I believe it's the right thing to do. But I'm not doing this because I once had a superhero infatuation or for any lofty reasons about saving humanity... that's your role." And that was another white lie... she did think it was important to save Superman, but it wasn't her main concern. "I'm doing this to save your life because I care very deeply about what happens to you… both sides of you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be making this offer. Can't you see that?"
Clark pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "I know you care, Lois. You have to. All I'm saying is that you should really think about all of this again." He looked back down at her. "What if I took you up on this? Have you really thought about what would happen after I got better? Assuming I do."
"You will! That's the whole point!"
Clark rolled his eyes and continued. "The point is we'd have a baby to raise. I wouldn't fade into the background. I'd be there for my child… our child. How would you handle that? I know how possessive you are and how uncompromising you can be. In this, you'd have to give."
"So I'll learn to be compromising and to share."
"Lois."
"No, Clark. I've already told you I'd never stop you from seeing your child. Actually, I'd be very grateful for the help, so your being around wouldn't be a problem," Lois added with a rueful grin. "Clark, if we debate this long enough, we'd find a million reasons not to do it. Who's to say we wouldn't be a super team as parents the same way we are at work?"
"But, Lois, I always thought that being in love would have something to do with having a child!" There was a plaintive note to Clark's voice, which Lois missed completely. She sensed he was wavering and she rushed to take advantage of his ambivalence.
"Clark, this is the nineties! Lots of babies are made without their parents being in love. And I'm not sure that I believe in that forever kind of love anyway. Take my parents... they thought they were in love when they got married and within a few years they could barely stand to be in the same room as each other -- still can't, for that matter!"
"Lois...."
"I know," Lois interrupted, raising her hands in surrender, "there are exceptions to the rule... your mom and dad for instance. But, Clark, you have to admit that marriage isn't doing too well in this day and age. Why else do you think so many divorce lawyers are living in luxury penthouses and driving around in Porsches?"
Clark shrugged his shoulders, unable to counter her claim. Besides, it saddened him to the core to know that Lois had such a jaundiced view of love. "I can't disagree with you there, Lois. I guess I'm just wishing for something that can never be.... But, Lois, what if you're wrong about love?" He hated to bring up his next point, but his sense of fairness compelled him to ask. "You could change your mind in a couple of years, meet someone new and fall in love. What would you do if he objected to you having a sort of 'ex' in tow and a child?"
"Clark, now that is ridiculous! As if I would ever consider marrying a man who was so selfish and unreasonable that he couldn't accept another man's child, never mind falling in love with him in the first place."
Clark grimaced. "I guess I shot myself in the foot there!"
"So, we're agreed! If, on the off chance, I did meet someone I wanted to marry, it wouldn't be a problem. You'd still have a place in both my life and your child's life... divorced families do it all the time. But I doubt it will ever happen. Face it, Clark. I'm just not the falling in love type of woman. You're the living proof of that!"
"What?!"
"Well, you're the sweetest, kindest man I've ever met, and, if I was the falling in love kind, I'd have fallen for you ages ago!" Lois' weird logic hurt Clark deeply, even though it brought an ironic smile to his lips. "So let's forget about love for now... friendship is so much better, you can trust friends."
"I just can't ask you to have my child to save my life. Don't you see that that's wrong?"
"You didn't ask me. I asked you." He was about to protest, but she held up her hand again to stop him. "Don't say it." She took a few steps away from him before speaking again. "Clark, if I'd never met you, I would never have known what having a friend is really like. If I'd never met you, I'd never have known how wonderful having a partner could be." She met his gaze with tear-filled eyes. "If I'd never met you, I'd be dead," she told him flatly. "I don't think it's wrong that I should want to show you how much you mean to me."
"Is that what you're doing?"
"Maybe in a way I am. I may not know a lot about living because I've drowned myself in work. But I do know one thing. If I'd never met you, I would have died lonely and bitter, just me and the Planet. Before you that's all I wanted."
Clark dropped his head back and took another deep breath. She was pleading with him. Obviously, Lois saw this as something much more momentous than he'd ever suspected.
She smiled to lighten the mood some. "Just think about what an extraordinary little person this child could be? Coming into the world to save his father's life. With a start like that, how phenomenal could that child be?"
Clark half smiled at her. "Not to mention the fact it would be a living miracle anyway."
"Yep. It would be Lois Lane's kid."
Clark laughed out loud at that, letting the pent-up tension drain out of his soul, for the present. "In that case, it would be in big trouble."
Lois smacked his chest. "Watch it, Kent. It would be bad if you had to change all the dirty diapers."
His smile faded and he looked into Lois' eyes. "Lois, if you did this, I'd owe you that and so much more."
"You'd owe me nothing because by agreeing you'd be giving me all I need. Clark, I don't think I could bear to be without my best friend. I just want you to live."
"That you do." Clark shook his head and turned to get a glass of water, needing a few moments to compose himself. Lois had spoken with such sorrowing earnestness that he could no longer doubt the depth of her feelings to want to help him.
Lois grinned as she watched him down a full glass. "Better?"
"Not really. I stay thirsty all the time now. It's the medication."
"See, another reason to do this."
Clark chuckled as he lifted another glass of water to his lips. When he emptied it, he looked down at Lois. "Yeah. Good reason to have a baby."
She laughed with him. "Just think about it… a lot."
"I'm afraid it's hard to think about much else."
"Well, who knows? You might enjoy it," she exclaimed as she left the room to take a shower.
"Lo-is!"
****
Over the next few days, Clark did little else but think about his conversation with Lois. In the newsroom, he tried very hard to concentrate on work... after all, it was his Planet salary which paid the bills. However, flying in the skies above the quiet streets of Metropolis on yet another patrol, Superman found himself hoping for the odd rescue or mugging which would at least be a distraction from his troubling thoughts. Unfortunately, fate wouldn't cooperate and everything in the city remained calm -- except his mind!
Clark had dreamed that one day Lois would come to love and respect him as a friend, if nothing else. Well, after their little tete-a-tete, he could no longer doubt that she did. It was just that he'd had countless fantasies about the two of them being a lot more than friends and now she was offering all that to him on a silver platter, only not quite for the motives he'd hoped for. Could he really agree to having 'sex' with Lois when he knew that there was love in only one of their hearts?
And was he really convinced that she'd gotten over her Superman 'thing'? Since he'd flown onto the scene, Lois had been pretty crazy about his alter-ego and to have such a durable link with Superman could be like the icing on her cake! Then again, perhaps her infatuation hadn't outlived the discovery that her idol was really plain old Clark Kent from Kansas.
Yet, that was probably being very unfair to his partner. Lois' interest in the Man of Steel had never been that shallow. She did genuinely believe in the idea of Superman. As Clark had come to know Lois, he'd very quickly realised that part of her driving force was her desire to make the world a better place, and she saw the hero as her ally in that quest. Under those circumstances, he could hardly argue with her motives in wanting to save Superman -- he actually agreed with them!
Then she'd hit him with her confession that she was afraid of dying lonely and bitter. He couldn't be sure if that was the truth or another ploy to persuade him to agree to her offer. She'd actually said she was prepared to fight in any way she could.
But in the natural scheme of things, Lois had a long life in front of her. Surely she couldn't rule out the possibility of meeting someone with whom she felt she could share her life? God, she'd even started to date Lex Luthor. Clark decided not to go there.
The fact remained, though, that Lois had a very bad track record in the relationships department. In the past, all of the important men in her life had let her down in one way or another, and she'd erected such high walls around herself to protect her from any further hurt and pain. Now, most people were afraid to get anywhere close to her... except himself. He seemed to thrive on Lois' attitude; he even loved their oral sparring matches, or he did when he felt well enough to handle them.
Maybe he was her hope for a better life as much as she was his. Could he leave the world not knowing if he was committing Lois to living her life alone? It could be that this baby was the one person who would keep Lois from slipping into an isolated old age. Even if he died and left her to raise the child alone, Lois was resourceful and there were lots of single moms out there doing a great job. He was sure his partner would be no different -- failure just wasn't a word in Lois' vocabulary. She might resent him for leaving her alone, but she'd never pass on any blame to a child.
But did he have the right to put her in such a formidable situation? His mind whirled with so many issues and he just didn't know how to decide on such a life-changing scenario. He needed advice and there was one person who would always lay out his options honestly and fairly for him to consider -- and she was waiting for him at home.
****
Martha was washing his bedclothes when Clark entered the apartment. She'd spent the last few days cleaning an already spotless home in an effort to divert her continuous anxieties over her son's current illness and Lois' unique scheme on how to save his life. She was fully aware Clark's thoughts were never far from that particular proposal either. When he hadn't come home a few nights ago, she'd known exactly where he was. A man doesn't have such a heavy proposition thrown at him and not have to talk to the person doing the throwing.
Since then, however, she'd kept her own counsel, difficult though that had been at times. Experience had taught her that Clark would come to her when he felt ready to talk. So she greeted him with a smile when he came in and went to cook his breakfast. Dawn might just be breaking, but Martha was used to starting her days early on the farm.
Clark spun into his civilian clothes and dropped heavily into a kitchen chair, unsure how to start.
Martha knew what was on her son's mind before he could voice it and decided to help him out. "Clark, you might never know for certain if you're doing the right thing. Sometimes life is like that... it presents us with choices and we just have to make up our minds to follow one and do it the best way we know how."
"She really wants to do this."
"I know." Martha retrieved the ingredients from the fridge and set them out on the table next to the utensils. She deftly cracked the eggs into the bowl. "And you… You want to do it, too, don't you?"
Clark watched his mother beat the eggs. "Mom, I can still cook!"
"Clark, you're exhausted and I'm used to making breakfast. Besides, I think better when I'm busy. And don't try to change the subject. I asked you a question."
"Yeah. I thought I did."
"And now? Did Lois say something to make you think differently?"
Under his mother's probing questions, Clark moved uneasily in his seat, although this was exactly what he'd been hoping to get from his mother when he'd decided to come home. "Mom, she basically said she felt this was her one and only opportunity to have this kind of life."
A faintly impatient frown marred Martha's brow. Really, sometimes she thought being psychic would be an advantage when dealing with Clark when he was obsessing. Getting him to verbalize his thoughts was very much like pulling teeth. She added the milk to the eggs and whisked harder. "What sort of life... a family one?"
"Yeah. She told me if she hadn't met me her life would have been so much lonelier and bitter."
"Do you believe that's true?"
Clark passed his mother the salt shaker. "I believe that she believes it's true." He stared into the mixing bowl, as if hoping to find the answers to all his problems there. "She seemed so sincere when she looked at me."
"But you're worried that she'll wake up one day and realize she made a mistake?"
"Well, yeah. Mom, as hard as just having a baby with her would be, having her resent our child would kill me."
"Did you tell her that?"
"No!" As Martha upped the tempo of her beating, he conceded, "Okay, I might have sort of mentioned it." Seconds later the mixing stopped and Martha removed a pan from the cupboard, placing it on the stove. Then she started raking through the drawers.
"Do you have any more matches? I ran out of them last night." Not being able to sleep, the kettle had been working overtime helping Martha to get through the long hours of darkness with endless cups of herbal tea.
"Here, let me!" Clark walked over and lit the gas with a tiny burst of heat vision. "I keep forgetting to buy those, something I can't afford to do when my powers start to disappear. Oh, and you'll need this!" Clark retrieved a brand new pot holder from the bottom drawer. "Something else I'm going to have to get used to using." He grinned sheepishly.
She gave his arm a sympathetic pat then emptied the contents of the bowl into the pan. "Don't worry, dear, I'm sure you'll get the hang of things. Now you were telling me about Lois."
Clark swallowed, looking doleful, and went back to his seat. "She told me she does care for me deeply."
"Then maybe she knows what she's doing."
"To be honest, I don't think either of us does." He looked down at his hands which to his surprise were shredding the edge of the tablecloth. "Mom, I'm seriously considering doing this."
At those words, Martha stopped her cooking and moved the pan off the heat. She quickly crossed to her son and took his hands into her own, though clearly the linen was beyond repair. "Clark, I know this is a nearly impossible thing to have to decide and, like I said, I don't really believe there is a right or wrong decision. It all depends on how you see things, and I won't lie to you -- I've spent many sleepless nights debating the ethics of this inside my head." She lifted Clark's hands to her cheek, and turning her face she brushed her lips across his knuckles. "But I always come back to the same thing... I want you to live. If Lois having your child is the only way possible to make that happen, then I think you should do this."
Martha rested their entwined hands on the table and stared at the boy they'd found so surprisingly in a spaceship in a field. The son who had made their lives complete in so many ways and who now might be snatched away from them.
Clark returned her gaze believing that he'd never seen his mother looking so careworn, yet so filled with care.
"Clark, this might not be the way you'd have chosen for starting your child's life -- you'd much rather be in a stable, loving relationship. But think about it, son. Only someone who has the ability to feel very deeply and selflessly could go to such extremes to save a life. Lois is prepared to do this for you, so that must mean something. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Lois would always make sure her child never lacked for love -- I could never support this otherwise. Ultimately, isn't that what matters most? The child's well-being?"
"Yes, and I'm pretty sure of that too, Mom. It's probably the main reason I've been able to even contemplate going ahead with this." He lowered his head to their clasped hands, masking his face, though his voice stayed clear. "Lois has been open and honest with me, but I really haven't been totally honest in return, and she deserves that much before we go any further." Martha watched while Clark straightened up. His eyes were damp with tears, but in their depths she could see the shadow of guilt. "Mom, I'm not just doing this to save my life. In fact, I'm not totally convinced the marrow transplant will work." He noticed Martha was about to speak and held up a hand to forestall her protest. "There's a part of me that wants to have this child just because it might be my only chance before I...." His voice drifted off while his gaze became so focused on a spot in the middle of the table that Martha waited in trepidation to see if it might burn. "For once I want something for myself."
"That's not wrong, Clark."
"I just want a chance at being a father, Mom, hardly an altruistic reason. Especially when your best friend is the one who's putting her life on hold and might be left actually 'holding the baby!" His eyes begged his mother to understand how he felt.
"Well, for the first part, Clark, I think it's only natural to want to procreate. It's what keeps the world going. And I think Lois knows what's she's doing."
"I don't think she has a clue what she's getting into!" Clark rose and started toward the bedroom, but stopped in the archway to face his mom again. "Mom, for all the reasons why Lois and I shouldn't do this, ethical ones included, there's one picture that seems to override them all in my mind...."
"What's that?" Martha asked in a whisper, sensing she already knew the answer.
"I keep seeing that baby, Mom. A tiny, beautiful, little soul that Lois and I have created... someone who would be my own flesh and blood... someone I would love with all my heart. And I know I want that more than anything. Now tell me that isn't selfish!" All the essence of Clark seemed to drain from his body and he turned to walk into his bedroom. If he was lucky he'd be able to catch an hour or so of sleep before going into work.
A large lump caught in Martha's throat seeing him so terribly bereft. She wanted to rush to him, take him in her arms to kiss away his pain, just as she had when he was a little boy. But her son was a grown man now and another woman held sway over his heart. If only, for just this one time, Clark wasn't in a situation where he had to fight so hard to escape.
But Martha had learned that there weren't any guarantees that life would be fair. People found the fortitude to get them through the hard times or they went under. At least, Martha could take comfort from the knowledge that her son had a great deal of strength and not just the physical kind. Lois too was probably the only woman that she'd ever met who could match that strength and between them they'd find a way through this. And if they needed a little encouragement along the way, then she and Jonathan would provide that in abundance. She sighed and went to dump the half-cooked eggs.
****
Lois, remarkably, had respected Clark's space and didn't press him for a decision, but she could tell he had the offer on his mind. So, when she answered the door to her apartment for him half way through the next week, she wasn't surprised when he breezed in without so much as a hello.
Clark shot straight in and paced between Lois' two spindly sofas, causing her to worry that he'd wear a trench in her floor. Suddenly he halted. "Lois, you really want to do this?"
"Yes." She didn't begin to pretend she didn't know what he was talking about.
"Absolutely positive? You won't back out? You won't regret it and you won't take the child for granted? You'll love this child as a person and not just as my saviour? And you won't keep it from me? Or want me to take him or her and just move away? Or…"
"Clark, be quiet!" He clamped his mouth shut. "We've already been through all this. I won't do any of those things that you're afraid of."
"I guess I know that... but this is a really big thing we're doing and I have to be sure that it's right."
"Clark, to be honest, I don't think there is a right or wrong here. Some people will back us and some will probably think we're evil. The bottom line is that if we don't go ahead then we lose you and I'd regret that for the rest of my days. So I've moved beyond the rights and wrongs of it all. This is your only chance for life and I want to do it."
"That's what my mom said. She and I have talked for hours. I've talked to Dad, to the wind, to God. Lois, I don't know if I can just… sleep with you."
"I hope not. We have to do a little more than sleep," she told him with a grin, hoping to ease a little of the tension with humor.
"Lois. This is serious to me."
"I know it is. Clark, it's serious to me, too. And it's scary. I've never been pregnant before. But the fact remains that without a transplant you'll die and that's even scarier!"
Clark turned his head away briefly to collect his thoughts. "I, ah, I think…" He studied his fingers before looking up at Lois. "I think I'd feel better to just do the artificial thing."
"Okay. Does this mean you'll do this?"
"I want to, but I have to be completely honest with you about a few things first." She nodded and waited for him to continue. He perched of the edge of her couch. "Lois… I… I… I'm in love with you. I have been since the day I met you. That's one reason why this whole thing is just so… overwhelming."
Oh God! Lois took a few steps away from Clark, trying not to feel uncomfortable about his declaration. She stalked over to her fish tank and busied herself with scattering some food inside. Why did he have to complicate things with emotions? Yet, she'd known how he felt. She couldn't help but know it. It showed in the way he looked at her, in the way he always backed her up and took care of her when she was in trouble. She'd pretended that that was what friends did for each other, but she'd known.
Clark stared unhappily at his partner's tense back. "Lois, I didn't tell you that to put any kind of pressure on you in any way. I just felt you should know how I feel. You've told me how you feel, and I don't have any expectations that you could ever love me back... that way." When she turned and met his gaze again, he continued. "But that's why a child we'd have would mean so much more than my own life."
"I guess I understand why this decision was so hard for you." Her fingers twisted together nervously.
"Actually, I think maybe that's why I'm even considering this." She furrowed her brow in question, but instead of explaining himself, he stood up and paced over to the window, staring out into the night. Long moments passed before he moved back into the center of the room, his expression a strange mixture of seriousness and hope. "If you're determined to have my child, then I think I want it to happen... after we're married."
"What?!" Lois was staring at him like he had two heads.
"I want us to get married, Lois. I said I was going to be honest…" He looked down at his hands briefly. "I just told you this child would mean more to me than my own life. Lois, a baby is an innocent and we should at least make an effort to show him or her that no matter what, love and commitment will never be a problem. Not to mention the fact that I'd be devastated if someone happened to mention that we'd made a baby just to save my life."
Lois' eyes opened incredulously. "Newsflash, Clark! We are making a baby to save your life. Isn't that what this is all about?"
Clark cringed at Lois' plain speaking. "I suppose! I just don't want to have it shoved in my face by the Planet gossipmongers."
"Oh, so we're back to what other people think, and you want to get married so people won't talk? Don't you think they'll talk if we do?"
"Unfortunately. But at least they might think there was something between us."
"And what about the talk that you're dying? 'Cause that's already gone the rounds, and you know, most people are pretty upset about it!"
Clark shrugged. "Lois, that's why I want to do this."
"Because of people talking?" Lois' silky hair brushed against her cheeks as she shook her head in exasperation.
"No. Because I'm dying."
"But the baby is going to save your life."
"Hopefully, but we can't be certain." His eyes slid away from Lois once more. Why was he finding it so difficult to make her understand his feelings. "Lois, I just told you I love you. Do you know how much that means to me that the woman I love would be having my baby? I want to share that."
"We will share this. We don't have to get married to do it."
Clark was quickly losing his patience. How did he explain he felt he might not get another a chance to do this? "Think about the baby, Lois."
"I am thinking about the baby. I said I'd have your baby. I never said I'd marry you." She started to pace. Clark had thrown her for a loop, that was for sure. What was he thinking? This marriage thing had come right out of the blue. She stopped to face him when he started speaking again.
"Lois, just so you're clear about this, I meant what I said about conceiving artificially. Yeah, I want to get married and I want us to live together because I think that a baby deserves to be born into a family. But I don't expect this to be a 'real marriage'."
Deep in his heart there was nothing more that Clark wanted than a real marriage, but that was just a fantasy. He pushed a hand through his hair as he continued. "I'm not expecting us to jump into this like it's something we've planned and waited for our whole lives. I know it'll take a lot of getting used to." Oh boy, he was making such a mess of this and Lois was metaphorically backing away from him. "I won't push you in any way, but I just want you to understand how I feel." He met her gaze with fierce determination. "I think the biggest reason I'm doing this is because I feel I may never get another chance."
"Clark…"
"No, listen to me, please. We could get married and have a baby and this not work. You have to know that's a possibility." She nodded reluctantly. "I'd leave you a widow with a small child. That's the part that bothers me, but at least, if we were married, the child would grow up believing that he or she was conceived in a fairly normal relationship. And at the same time, I'd have had what I've always wanted: a family."
At last, that seemed to touch Lois. Her defensive wall began to crumble. "If you remember, that's kind of what I told you about the baby."
"I just don't want you to look at me one day and ask yourself what the hell you were thinking when you suggested the whole thing."
"And you think I wouldn't do that if we were married?" She was still unwilling to let this go.
Clark studied her expression for a long while before he spoke again. "If we did this and the marrow transplant saves my life, a whole new ballgame comes into play." He reached out and took her hands pleading with her to listen. "If you decided then that being married was something you didn't want, I'd never force you to stay with me. And I'd never ask you to stay for the baby either."
"Then why the marriage in the first place?" She watched as Clark dropped her hands and turned away. An incredible air of pain and sadness overtook his whole being and, without words, she had the answer to that question. He didn't think he'd live and simply wanted to have some semblance of a life… with her.
"This will work, Clark. You're not going to die."
"You don't know that," he said as he turned around to her again. "You say you have to have this baby. And I'm telling you that if I do this, we're going to get married first!"
"And what does that mean? Do we… play house? You said you wouldn't force me to do anything. Anything meaning all but this!" Her voice had risen to a high-pitched wail. "A marriage won't make this baby any more real."
"No, but it'll make me feel like a man!" There... he'd said it and it had certainly gotten Lois' attention. "Lois, for the last few months I've been thinking of all the things I've never done and might not ever get to do. Having a wife and child was definitely high on the list." Actually, having Lois as his wife was his top priority but he thought he'd better not remind her of that. She was spooked enough as it was. "I wanted it but I just couldn't see that happening to me. I mean, I was always so scared of telling anyone the truth about me. I was sure any woman would run screaming...."
"Clark, that's not true! Lots of women have been attracted to you...."
"None of them knew I was an alien though." Lois looked down, unable to disprove his statement. "It's hard growing up discovering that you're... strange and getting stranger with every month that passes. Lois, when I said that marriage would make me feel like a man, it had nothing to do with my gender and everything to do with my race. Dr Klein might have said I'm human, but I'm having a hard time believing it. I'm from another planet. Do you know how that feels? To know you're the only person on an entire world that is so completely different?" He didn't wait for her answer, just continued with his explanation. "A family of my own would give me something I've never had before... a feeling that I truly belong on this planet."
Lois had no idea how to answer that. If she was being truthful then she understood, in a way. She just wasn't ready to raise the white flag... yet. Instead she got angrier as she saw a half smile appear on Clark's face. "What do you find so funny?!"
"That Lane compromise you told me about is shining through."
"Fine! I'll marry you. If it'll make you feel like such a big man." She stomped around him and flopped to the sofa, choosing to remain obtuse.
Clark sighed and eased down beside her. "Lois, were you listening? That wasn't what I meant.…"
Lois held up her hand. "Don't say anymore." She took several breaths to calm her nerves, but was still unwilling to be reasonable. She hated to feel coerced. "I'll marry you. You're right… we should give the baby that much. And it's important that you should die feeling like a real man!"
Now Clark's impatience broke free. "Lois, my desire for us to get married has nothing to do with my ego!"
Lois glared challengingly at him. "Pardon me for my mistake, but it sounded like that to me!"
"Lois, for once in my life I want some of the things a normal, *Earth* human man takes for granted! Is that too much for me to expect, or do I always have to be alone?" His voice rose alarmingly and he could only return Lois' stare defiantly, unwilling to show her how much that revelation had cost him in terms of his feelings about his heredity.
This time Lois could no longer pretend to misunderstand and she let go of her anger in a rush. Her eyes filled with tears and she reached forward to touch Clark's hand. He flinched at first, then dropped his gaze to the floor.
"It must have been so lonely for you growing up. Always pretending to be someone you weren't and there must have been so many things you couldn't do."
"But there was nothing I couldn't feel," he said softly as he lifted his eyes back to hers. "That's why this is so difficult. I know it's crazy, and I know I shouldn't try to force you to marry me. At the same time, I'd like to feel, just once, the things that could be."
Lois melted at his impassioned speech and the look of forlorn longing in his dark eyes. She had to admit that she was the one who had started this whole thing -- Clark would never have suggested it. The only way to save Clark was to conceive his child and if she had to marry him to do that, she would.
"You're not alone anymore and I will marry you, Clark," she told him sincerely, consigning her fears of such a commitment to the future.
"Thank you." He half smiled and squeezed her hand.
"Don't thank me yet. I'm really high maintenance."
Clark chuckled softly, deciding to let things die down. "I'll take my chances. But I do have another point. We have to tell Dr Klein."
"About you?"
"Yeah. He's the one who's going to do the insemination, and after the baby's born he'll have to do the transplant. I think he deserves to know all the facts."
"After? So we're going to do this?"
Clark smoothed his hands over his thighs. The time for prevarication was over; he was going to go through with this, even though he still wasn't sure it was the morally-correct thing to do. Who knew, maybe his mom and Lois were right when they said it had gone beyond a question of ethics. Clark didn't want to die, and though this wasn't a cast-iron guarantee to save his life, it was still a chance... his only chance.
Besides, it could possibly be the only chance to make his most cherished of dreams come true... to have a child with Lois. He closed his eyes and imagined the beautiful little life they could create together. In that instant he made a solemn promise to his child that he or she would never suffer because of the unusual reason for their conception; a promise to love and protect his son or daughter with everything he had and for as long he could.
And if Lois showed their child the same unselfish caring she'd shown him by agreeing to do this, then Clark was certain that their baby would know nothing but joy. Even if he was no longer around, Lois would protect their child... always.
The silence dragged on and Lois waited, hardly daring to breathe. She watched Clark's back straighten and when he turned to face her fully, she noticed there was a determined gleam back in his eye.
"Yeah," he said simply.
Lois visibly relaxed in relief and the smile that touched her eyes was full of compassion. "You won't regret it."
"I hope you won't regret it either. Anyway, I figured Bernard would be a great ally to have through all this."
Lois nodded her head in agreement. To lighten the mood and get back at him for the marriage thing, she decided to tease him a little. "Hey, you know we could just forget all that clinical stuff and just do this the old fashioned way."
"Dammit Lois, don't tease!"
"Okay, okay. We'll see Dr. Klein tomorrow."
"Why don't we do it tonight before I chicken out?"
"Sure. If that's what you really want." She went to get her jacket and followed Clark out the door, not totally happy with their compromise, but satisfied that he'd agreed to go ahead because that was her top priority.
