Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Related FFQ: Lawyer jokes

Don't ask, just tell. Have you got a good lawyer joke? I'd love to hear it. No, better make that - I *need* to hear it. I've exhausted my measly collection. Clever, funny, groan-inducing, it doesn't matter - I just need help.

Thanks!

I've got several French ones that don't translate well. (eh)

Rummaged through the joke folder in my inbox and found these two, though... maybe they'll do?

Q. What do lawyers do when they die?
A. They lie still.

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

What do you call 5 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

Or you could try:
http://www.lawyer-jokes.us/
http://www.ahajokes.com/lawyer_jokes.html
http://www.lawlaughs.com/
[which is where I got this one...
Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.]
Carol

Okay, I got hubby to give me a couple:

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish.

Ha ha ha! (Hubby's favorite)

And here's the other one:

Q: What do you call 1000 lawyers drowning at the bottom of a lake?

A: A good start.

LOL!

Enjoy!

**EDIT** Ooops, looks like Carol beat me on the lake one - I was still typing mine - on the phone with hubby.

Ah - but 1000 is a much better start .
Carol

Why don't sharks bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

PJ

I hope I get it right because English is not my native language:

What´s the difference between a run-over rabbit and a run-over lawyer?

There are skid marks in front of the rabbit.

A tragedy happened yesterday. A busload of lawyers went off a cliff. The tragedy...


There were three empty seats.

Let's see...

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Here are a couple more web sites with lawyer jokes... including a lot that I hadn't come across before. (That's scarey, because I read a lot of lawyer jokes a few years ago when I was researching for a story. )

Lots of Jokes: Category -- Lawyer Jokes 1 (I'm not sure that these are PG friendly, though.)

Humor Shack Lawyer Jokes . (I recommend the lawyer and blonde quiz.)

Just by way of light relief, here are a couple of jokes that I used in the aforementioned story.

Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats in their research?
A: Because there are some things a rat won't do!

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.


Chris

Another reason: Because the scientists got more attached to the rats.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Only one. He just holds onto the lightbulb while the world revolves around him.

Q. How cold was it?
A. It was so cold that the lawyers all had their hands in their own pockets.

Btw, why are you wanting lawyer jokes, Sue?

ML

<DJ pokes her head back into the thread...>

Why does Sue want lawyer jokes, ML? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with a story snippet that she sent me a little earlier today... nope... that couldn't be it at all...

<g>

-- DJ <who scampers off before Sue can catch her and tape her big mouth shut>

It's nothing personal, ML. I promise!

I'm loving the jokes so far - keep 'em coming!

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?

A: He would starve to death.

------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

------------------------------------------

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?

A: Just say "Fees!"

Concerning lawyer jokes. Do anyone know why lawyers were so systematically maligned in the TV-series?

In practically every episode there were barbs. Lawyer were pictured as parasites or outright serving the great devil.

Pocketlint of lawyers.

A man is driving home, and on his way he sees the priest of his congregation. He picks him up and they drive on. A little while later he sees his divorce lawyer walking along - and decides to run him over. In the last second before he hits the lawyer he renembers the priest beside him and pulls the steering wheel around. But to his dismay he hears a loud BANG!
He apologizes to the priest: "Father, I´m so sorry!" The priest answers: "No problem, son. I still got him with the door!"

Cornelia, this one is the best of all! Still laughing...

As one who put her husband through law school, I'm loving this thread.



I've heard a lot of them before, but I'm still laughing at the priest taking out the lawyer with the door. Thanks for the laugh - I needed that!

BJ

A prisoner, a teacher and a lawyer all died. However, Heaven was full and so St. Peter who was in charge of the gates to Heaven said to them.

"I'll ask you each a question, if you answer it correctly I'll let you in if you don't you go to Hell.'

To the prisoner he asked. 'In what year did the Titanic sink?'

The prisoner answered. 'Fortunately I watched the movie before I died and the answer is 1912.'
St Peter let him through.

To the teacher: 'How many people died when it sunk?'

The teacher answered 'Under 1500'
And St Peter let him through.

To the lawyer: 'Name them."

PS thank you to Lara for helping me with the death toll count. It's actually a rough estimate though given that we really are not sure how many people died in the sinking.

OK well that is so true....

>> These are from a book called
>> Disorder in the Courts of America,
>> and are things people actually said in court,
>> word for word, taken down
>> and now published by court reporters who had the
>> torment of staying calm
>> while these exchanges were actually taking
>> place.
>>
NOTE THIS WAS SENT TO ME AS AN E_MAIL SO IF THE ABOVE BOOK DOES NOT EXIST >>>>>PLEASE DO NOT BLAME ME
>> [QUOTE][QB]
> ___________________________________________________________
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>> ___________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>> WITNESS: July 18th.
>> ATTORNEY: What year?
>> WITNESS: Every year.
>> ________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
>> the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>> ________________________________________________
>>
>>
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
>> your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget.
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>> __________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living
>> with you?
>> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
>> remember which.
>> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>> __________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
>> said to you that morning?
>> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> _________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever
>> been involved in voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We both do.
>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We do.
>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>> _____________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
>> person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> _______________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
>> how old is he?
>> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
>> _______________________________________
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
>> taken?
>> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>>______________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the
>> baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Uh....
> _______________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> _______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death.
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> ________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning
>> pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>
> ________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
>> have you performed on dead people?
>> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> ________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
>> What school did you go to?
>>
>> WITNESS: Oral.
> ________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
>> examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> ________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Huh?
> ________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
>> WIT NESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
>> desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still
>> been alive, nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
>> been alive and practicing law.
>>
[QB]


HOPE you enjoyed them... I cried with laughter after just writing the post, even though I've seen them before...It was originally sent to me nearly a year ago...