Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic Shape Of My Heart 3/7 - Comments

Okay, first off, I have to say that this is just stunningly brilliant. I'm wildly jealous of your ability to paint a scene so vividly, Rat. You use words like paint brushes, each one adding another stroke to the overall picture, each one as important as the other. It seems so simple when it reads as well as this, but as a writer, I know just how hard it is to achieve.

Now, you asked about the ellipses. Personally, I have no problem with them, generally speaking. CC, for example, uses them particularly effectively, I think, when she includes them in her dialogue or in the thoughts of her characters. However, what I will say is that to me, as a reader, they generally convey a 'thinking' pause in speech, where the character may have said something, then decided it needs revising slightly, or contradicting completely. They can also give a sense that the character is struggling to find the correct words to express him or herself. You do that yourself: "Clark..." Her voice wavered, fading into shock before recovering. But it shook as she continued. "...you...did you get...did they - ?"

In your story, I have to say that the ellipses didn't quite work for me. I didn't get the sense of breathlessness that I see you were trying to convey. Maybe it's because they weren't always being used to convey they same thing - in the example above, Lois is stumbling over her words because of shock, and elsewhere, you're using them to illustrate the breathlessness. Dunno. Anyway, I wonder whether broken sentences may have worked better. I even wonder whether commas would work. Hmm.

"Can't do much, for it, here," he told her firmly. "Like your ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't, hurt. Much. Besides, you can walk on that, ankle, I can walk on, this arm."

No, that looks awful, doesn't it? Ick.

"Can't do much. For it. Here," he told her firmly. "Like your ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't. Hurt. Much. Besides, you can walk on that. Ankle. I can walk on. This arm."

Maybe that's too jerky? Or totally incomprehensible? It's difficult to tell when I'm typing this into the Message box, so I'll post it and let people make up their own minds.

Yvonne

Comment on the ellipses. They work and they convey the sense of on-the-edge barely-functioning people dealing with a really tough situation. If you don't like them, you might use " - ", like this:
"Clark, you're - hurt! Be careful - with that!"
But I know of no convention or rule that says you have to use either one. And the dialogue is good as it stands.

About Clark's arm wound. If it was a burn or a furrow, it wouldn't have bled as much as a puncture with an exit wound, so it's okay if the wound closes up and the blood just stains his sleeve. Or, you could keep the intermittent powers on-off thing going and let him get a black eye or a sprained ankle that also doesn't go away when his powers kick in again. Not at all incidentally, that's a great device. Wish I'd thought of it.

I think the story's excellent. The tension is palpable and the friendly conflict between Lois and Clark is fully believable. Keep up the great work!

Brr, Rat! I got halfway through this section and had to get a blanket before reading the rest of it! You always wow me with your description, and you have this awesome ablility to make the reader feel exactly what the characters are. I had my heart in my throat the whole time as I was reading! Though I love the action, let's hope, for both Lois and Clark's sake, that things slow down a little!

I'm definitely interested to see what the cabin holds for them. Can't wait for the next part!

Tracey

Lab, the ellipses are great for effect. I say keep 'em. You have always blown me away, and this is no exception. LOL but at the same time you are killing me with suspense!!! Please keep it coming!

Well, Labby, now that I'm home and the boards are back up <huge sigh of relief>, I will say: this is fantabulous! I'm having to make up words because "wonderful" and "wow" and "more soon!" are words I use so often, I felt you needed something less common for this fantastic, fabulous piece of work. (Oh, wait, "more soon!" is actually a keeper.) Fantabulous! More soon!!

This was gripping. The HUGE wrenching, heart-stopping, breath-suspending moment for me was the whole escape to the woods section: The desperation of Clark, the confusion of the newly awakened Lois and her instinctive, ingrained balking. The recognition by Clark that he is probably hurting her with his grip. The desperate realization that he can't just face them down, he may not be invulnerable. The horror that Lois has turned back for him, and that they won't make the woods. The desperation in his grabbing Lois and forcing her tight against his chest, knowing he may die protecting her, and hoping that she can still get away. The gaspingly-regained breath as I read that his powers were back long enough to withstand those bullets!

Now, as to the elipses and the points Paul makes: The elipses worked for me, too. I see Yvonne's point, but since I use elipses all the time, I had no problem separating the thinking pauses or grasping-for-words pauses from the breathless ones. I talk that way when I'm short of breath. Yvonne's suggestions, especially the comma version, also worked for me. So-- who was the wise FDK'er who said, "it's your story..." -- you acheived the effect you were looking for. Hey, maybe those --'s are the way to do it <g>:

Can't-- do much for-- it, here," he told her firmly. "Like your-- ankle. Shelter first. It is okay. Really," he assured her. "Doesn't-- hurt. Much. Besides, you can-- walk on that-- ankle-- I can walk-- on this arm."


How's that?

As for the length (sorry, Paul!)? Long is good, but short is also good-- if you post every, say, 12 hours <g>. Anyway, as long as you keep them parts a-comin' I can deal with short parts. I guess. Maybe. Or maybe not. Oh, heck with it. Keep 'em long!

I think Paul's got the right idea at the end of his thoughts on the guns-- random listing of guns here, it's just not that important to Clark at the moment. Getting away, staying warm, getting his powers back, are his big focus.

And I think you can get away with the bleeding thing because the whole premise of intermittent powers is new to fanfic, so you have some leeway with it. It's not too big a stretch, really, for me to think that in those [very brief, remember] bits of returned powers, and no sunlight, there is only very brief healing of the wound-- and that he could tear it open again upon exertion. They are struggling through deep snow, are stumbling because their feet are numb, and no woods is a clear path-- there's lots of shrubbery to grab and and pull out of the way, using one's arm muscles. Not tear the wound open as badly, but enough to cause an ongoing sluggish bleeding. I read this section as the brief periods of invulnerability not being able to keep up with the stress of the harsh conditions-- so his extremities get progressively number (and he realizes it's worse for Lois), his wound tears open... If they were escaping through harsh physical conditions such as dense undergrowth and cold only, during the daytime with sun shining, I don't think this situation would work as well... but here, in the night, you pulled it off ok for me.

Now, as to the cabin-- are those ants just the screaming heebie-jeebies a normal stressed out and desperate partial superhero (sorry! <g>) would experience, or are you trying to tell us something? There better not be anybody in that cabin! A few... rats?... would be ok, I guess, but if there's people in there, especially Norman, I'm gonna find out from Wendy or CC or Yvonne (or all three) where you live, Labby, and... wait, is that too strongly worded? Er, just carry on, then, and I'll (sigh) just cope with whatever you throw at us, the gentle readers.

Oh, and Norman worked ok for me, even though I could never watch such a creepy movie. I'd leave it Norman, or how about this:

One of them no doubt named Norman, he thought morosely.

Bates hotel?? Okay, now he was getting ridiculous.


Sorry this is so long, but that's what you get when you crash the boards... no, wait, or was that someone else <g>?

And Mere, if you're here, since I'm in a chatty mood and wide awake-- how about some more R&R?? So I can comment? Please? The boards crashing is just not a valid excuse for not posting <bg>!!

~Toc

Amen to that, Toc! And despite vicious and unprovoked rumours to the contrary , it wasn't me!

It was Mere. <g>

I'm just glad I didn't lose any of these wonderful comments in between times! Thank you all so much for your thoughts, suggestions and inducing compliments. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sure I've forgotten someone here or something I meant to respond to – so forgive me if I have. I treasured each and every comment, believe me.

I was a little surprised this one eluded some of you. Not just because it's a classic but because for a certain generation it embedded itself deeply into the psyche. Who could go for a shower ever after without thinking of poor Janet Leigh? But then I realised this was probably just one more sign that I'm getting old. (There have been a lot of those lately.) Really, there's no reason why the 'younger generation' should pick up this reference at all. The impact of Psycho has certainly faded in the last decade or so. Maybe if I'd used Jason instead, it would have been clearer. Which is rather a depressing thought actually <g>. Given that Jason is the 'hero' of some cheap slasher flicks which couldn't hope to match the sheer manipulative brilliance of Hitchock's movie. I've done some minor tweaking to the line, which should tie it down. Thanks for the catch and thanks for the suggestions on how to tweak it too.

You're asking someone who doesn't understand the concept of vulnerability to start with? I'm still trying to work out how you can't feel the touch of bullets striking your skin, but can feel your wife stroking your skin. (Maybe it's partly subconsciously controlled? Certainly, as it turned out, the subconscious seemed to have a great deal to do with it in this story. If he focuses hard enough, or the need/danger is great enough, he does seem to be able to spark them back into life, even if only temporarily and not entirely at full strength).

Anyway, I long ago lost the will to live trying to pin it all down to something logical. Maybe the invulnerability is only working on certain parts of his body and not on others. No, not really. He has stopped bleeding though. So I'm assuming his powers kicked in long enough to half heal the wound, but not long enough to do the job entirely. Maybe. On the show, I realise that on at least one occasion once his powers kicked in it only took seconds for his wound to close and vanish, but OTOH there was never any consistency as to how K affected Clark, so I think the only thing we can assume as to how his powers will react – or not - at any given time is assume nothing. <G> Or expect the unexpected, as Gerry Anderson used to say.

Or, in conclusion – what Terry and Toc said. <g>

Many thanks for the input on the ellipses. Ellipsis. Dang. I have a real mental block on which of those is the plural and can never be bothered to look it up and find out. <g> Anyway, I was sure that the answers to my question would be a resounding 100% 'hate 'em', so rather nice to see that so many of you weren't bothered by them. Thanks for the thoughtful response, Yvonne. The commas don't work for me at all, either. And the truncated sentences – I hated the ones I used even more than the ellipses, so I think I agree with you on those. Dashes, however, had suddenly occurred to me just a couple of hours before Terry suggested them and now that I've seen them in situ (thanks Toc!) I'm drawn to them much more than the ellipses. So I think I'll probably change to dashes. Thanks, everyone for the help.

So thank you all again – I'm delighted you've having so much fun with this one. I laughed a lot at all your reactions to the cold, especially. <g> And when I wasn't laughing I was a lot at your very kind comments.

And finally:

ROTFL, Toc

Your wish, Sunkist and Tracey... <g> Good news, guys – you can turn your ACs back on and ditch those blankets!

LabRat

Actually, I saw Psycho over 30 years ago, and I *still* jump in the shower at the slightest sound. But I did not get the reference to Norman.

I had honestly forgotten that Anthony Perkins' character's first name was Norman. The only way I would have remembered his first name would have been by trying out various options against his last name (which who can forget?) - Bates. "Hmm... Henry Bates? Peter Bates? Norman Bates! That's it!"

- Vicki

PS - maybe the problem is not that I'm too young, but just the opposite!

I get it, Rat - you break the MBs when it's time to post my story part, then bring them back up again to post yours. Thank heavens you decided to leave them up so you could get FDK...

Ok, part 3... wonderful! I was on the edge of my seat for about 2/3 of the segment. I think that may be why this part seemed so much longer - I wasn't breathing for most of it! :p

As others have said, the writing was amazing. I could really feel everything Clark was feeling, and his emotional roller-coaster was awesome. The part where he thought he was going to get killed protecting Lois... And I was cheering when he managed to cover their trail - though I agree, it's going to take more than that to keep the baddies from picking it up again. Maybe a good, solid snowfall overnight - once they're safely under that roof!!!!

About the superpowers - his strength came back earlier only *just* enough to let him heave the tree out of the road, so I have no problem with his invulnerability coming back just enough to bounce the bullets but not enough to heal his arm. It didn't even occur to me to wonder in the story context.

Then the Norman reference - I got that straight off in spite of never having seen the movie. I certainly wouldn't have got a reference to "Jason"!

And finally, the ellipses. I was aware that there were an awful lot of them, but it didn't annoy me; however, I was consciously aware of the device rather than just registering their breathlessness. I have to say, though, that I have a special dislike for too many ellipses, as a result of trying to read Barbara Cartland novels in my youth (her heroines couldn't string two words together without ellipses, it seems) so the fact that they *didn't* irritate me is a testament to your writing.

Modern writing theory says ellipses are used for when the words (or thoughts) tail off, dashes for when they're interrupted. Seems to me either would work for breathlessness - the words tail off because they're interrupted by a breath. I didn't feel, like Yvonne, that they were pauses for the wrong reasons - a pause is a pause, and it's up to the writer to make it clear why the pause is there.

I'll read part 4 later... I think I'm going to follow your example, Rat, and have a bath first.

Mere

Edited to add thoughts that occurred to me while I was in the bath...

You know, I've been getting flak for the S1 Lois behaviour over in R&R, but this is the part of S1 Lois that I actively hate - the fact that she doesn't just twist past events to suit her purposes, she actually revises them. And yet, here as in (I think it was) Burnout, somehow you manage to make this trait of hers almost acceptable... one can even believe that Clark might find it endearing!

Wowzers! I'm cold and out of breath!

The style of writing you used to illustrate LnC's cold adventure did not bother me at all. I found myself...hmm..sounds odd, but I felt I was out of breath or found myself to be taking small breaths that did't do my brain so well. I was so wrapped into it. Breath girl! Man that was embrassing.

Do you know - hopefully anyone - when you have a dream and you are trying to get somewhere or you are runnning away from someone, but no matter what you do, you cannot go fast? I felt like that when they were trying to get away from the gun totting men. That was very very frightening. I was really nervous, but I figured no one was going to get killed....right? (to me that looks like a frown or somebody not sure about something)

I'm afraid of what they'll find in the cabin. Lucky for me though, I don't have to wait - the next part is up!

Thanks for the good readin'.

Until next time,
from the happy reader.

Ooooops. No idea how I missed this had been added to. Sorry, guys! Thanks for the additional comments.

LOL, Vicki.

Mere:

Darn. My cunning plan revealed.

And OMG - Barbara Cartland novels. Weren't they just appalling? I tried out a couple during my teenage romance novel period and have never figured out yet why they sold so well. All those desperately breathy heroines who couldn't be in the same room with a guy and string a coherent sentence together. <shudder>

Thank you! I always did think Clark found that endearing, yes. Heaven knows why. <g>

Roo: Thank you for the best compliment any author can have. And, nope, you're safe. No characters were killed in the making of this story.

Well...not any you'd care about anyway.


LabRat