Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic Shape Of My Heart 4/7 - Comments

Okay...did the dashes work for you?

In deference to Paul, I was tempted to end this one after Lois's 'she didn't care at all', making it 8 pages instead of 12.

But I figured that would be very mean and leave you hurtling in the wrong direction entirely as to what was coming up in part five.

Hope you enjoy.

LabRat

Sure!!!

Jose

Good 'ole Discovery Channel strikes again!

Great part; it's tremendously fun being inside Lois' head. :p

JD

Lab, you're killing me, as usual LOL! Loving it, every minute. Okay now bring on part 5, HURRY!!!! Can't wait to see what happens next ......

P.S. I've been lurking under a rock for a few years (been a FoLC since '94), but I am most certainly a huge, long-standing fan of your writing.

Rat, this was lovely... though I was shouting at Lois for much of it to GET A CLUE!!!!

I was literally giggling for ages after reading this! Brilliant!

I'm afraid the dashes didn't work for me nearly as well as the ellipses, after all. I had to scratch my head and remember why they were there before they looked ok.

So... I just have to hope that Lois poking and prodding Clark's upper body region does more to raise their respective temperatures than Clark poking and prodding her foot...

More soon, please!
Mere

Hi,

Great part.

Labby, all that was just hilarious!! Well done-- you "got" Lois' internal reaction (and external reation too, I guess ) right on the nose!

The stylish inside of the deserted cabin on the lake is so completely different than what they expected, and is so different from what they just endured-- nice use of description here to paint us a pretty detailed picture. I liked how Clark was a bit oblivious to Lois' increasing response to him, however reluctant she was to acknowledge it. Then he picked up on it, too. And Lois was so busy denying she felt anything, then this:


She's trying so hard to act like she feels nothing, like nothing is there-- but she slips up and mentions she's "warned [everyone else] off"...

And poor Clark is completely unused to having a wound, much less having it tended; but for all the pain and green gills, the atmosphere keeps... um, improving is the way we Folcs would describe it, right?

I sorta have to agree with Mere about the dashes-- they almost work here, but I too had to sort of backtrack to remember they're still way short of breath. But you're so close-- what if they "panted" instead of "whispered", or you added "gasping" or similar... like this:

"Come on, Baby Bear," she whispered, still out of breath, clutching at his sleeve (etc)...

Or this:

Clark turned to Lois, trying to catch his breath. . "I don't think...what -- are you -- doing?" he panted, frowning.

And this:

Clark." She turned on him, wearily, breathing raggedly and shivering.

And one more;

But after a moment's teetering on the brink, he made it safely, dropped down onto the floor. From inside the kitchen, he glanced back at her through the window, out of breath again. "Go back around -- to the front. I'll let -- you in."

Maybe something similar to that would work? Like I said, you've just about got it.

This is another great section. We the gentle-but-seriously-out-of-breath readers can pause in this interlude to catch our own breath right along with Lois and Clark. No guns, they can get warmed up, and there's that nice atmosphere that keeps the gentle readers perched firmly on the edge of their seats, breathing steadily now and wiping the dregs of coffee from their keyboards where it's been soaking in since the guns started firing... oh, wait, I'm off on a tangent here... We can enjoy the somewhat charged quiet interlude (or is that an oxymoron?) and wait to see what happens next.

And we're going to find out soon, right, Labby?? You forgot to put "later this evening" after your "tbc"... Lab, are you there?? More soon?

~Toc

Nice, sweet interactions in this part!

I thought the dashes would work for me but I think I like ellipses better too..sorry!

Ahhh..now that was a relaxing part after all that chaos! Lois was cracking me up about the alligators..too funny! And her disapproval of tidy, organized people!

~Liz

LabRat

WOW, this is excellent.

Tricia

Nice Labby. I am looking forward to more. It was hard to remember that is was cold when there was so much heat between them<g> Laura

Making even less sense. Forgetting stuff very quickly. Am now switching to comment-as-I-read mode, and cleaning up typos as fast as I can.

So, first off, dashes don't work for me, either. They sound good in theory, but in practice, they're just weird and distracting. At least, IMHO. Sorry to once again contribute to your FDK folder being about punctuation.

Love the Baby Bear bit. <g>

Was a bit confused by switching from a description of the inside (complete with "Hello? Anybody here?") to the need for a "key" to get in, but rereading, I see I missed the fact that he was looking in through a window. Probably just me being tired, but it may be something to consider in passing as you give it that archive polish.

I like the brooding cabin, and Lois's key.

Poor not-used-to-being-frozen Clark.

Poor not-used-to-being-grounded Clark.

Poor too-stupid-and/or-stubborn-to-have-packed-a-warm-coat Lois.

Poor too-silly-to-realize-alligators-don't-climb-trees-and-especially-not-in-the-frozen-woodland-and-also-really-really-don't-flutter Lois. You're funny, Lois, but, really, if you'd paid a bit more attention to the Discovery Channel, you'd know that all you need to do is hold its jaws shut.

Good sensitive Clark. <pat, pat>

lol, ninjas. Ninjas with guns. Good thing ninjas are patient. Not sure about ninjas with guns, though. Are they patient?

Silly Lois. Streetlights are for streets, not trees. (Treelights are for trees, but only expensive ones.)

lol about yuppie retreat.

Silly Lois. Alligators can't open doors. Only CGI velociraptors can do that.

Aww. Cozy little possible madhouse cabin in the middle of nowhere which is probably surrounded by machine gun toting bad guys, isn't it?

"nature's spectaculars" ... ? Indication of sleepy Lois? Indication of sleepy Paul? US/UK thing? Other?

Bad Lois. Sit. Stay. (Yeah, right.)

Lack of candles decidedly odd. Gas heat? No, would still be odd. Hmm. Well, glad Lois is happy about it, anyway. LOL about her own orginization. ... And her fridge.

<scowls at Clark> You are not a mother hen. You have not been hypnotized into thinking you're one. (At least, not this time.) Get out of the frozen poultry section, Clark.

Oh. Lois kind of likes it. That's okay, then, I guess. This time. Being properly gentlemanly and comforting and suchlike.

By the way, Clark, how are you feeling? You seem to be walking around okay, but is that just for Lois's benefit? I know you're feeling a bit better than she was, but last I saw, you weren't really in great shape. Lois, wake up and tell me how Clark's doing, will you?

Hmm. Clark's wondering, Lois is wondering. I'm wondering why everyone is wondering so much about a first aid kit.

Kudos to mysterious hopefully-not-psycho house owners for having a proper "we're in the middle of nowhere, we really should be ready..." first aid kit. Nice detail, too, and lol about Lois's reaction to it.

Malaria pills? Really. How very interesting. Unless Lois is using hyperbole on me. Gotta watch her. She knows all sorts of judo.

Ooo. Good careful Clark. Good boy.

lol, was just chiding that little voice in the back of my mind for having picked up on the phrase "throbbing in her partner's hands" and then Lois goes and does that. Bad Paul. Good Lois.

Hey, wait. Now Lois is thinking. Stop that, Lois! Kae, come here and tell Lois to stop thinking, will you? Where's a TTT when you need one?

Oh. There's that "didn't care at all" that you were talking about. Actually, here I am, 4am, thinking I really should be getting ready for bed now that it's far enough from dinner that I can take my nighttime meds. Now would be a good place to stop for a while. What's that, little voice? I shouldn't encourage her? The other readers will do what? Oh. Well, in any case, I'm glad to have the option of reading more, because I'm certainly enjoying reading this much. Really, there isn't that much more. I can keep going for a little while longer. Yeah...

lol, knew you weren't talking about CK=SM. Especially not with Clark bleeding and all. Would never have thought of glass slippers. Very fitting. (Er... if you'll pardon the term.) Glad Clark got it. That's cool.

"Down, boy"? What? Kae, I need you and that TTT again...

Ooo, good Lois. This is so sweet.

I'm really liking this scene. Nice to see them happy and quasi-fliting. With slightly more honesty than perhaps intended. Cool.

Poor confused Clark, though. Hmm. Glance tells me that in another pargraph or so, I'll find out just how confused Lois is. Nice.

Hey, wait a sec. Thinking about Lois... Clark's done bandaging her. That means it's her turn, right? That should be fun.

lol, bit of a fuax pas there, Clark. A bovine-sized one.

Ooo! Pulling her leg (so to speak)! Didn't see that coming any more than Lois! LOL, nice!

Wait a sec. Clark's talking about sports injuries, and suddenly we're back in his POV. Without the little devider thingy. What happened?

No, now we're back in Lois's head, which is where I thought we were.

lol about the sweater. And hey, good for you, Lois!

Shirtless Clark! That should make about 95% of the readers very happy.

Aww. Shirtless Clark is bleeding and distracting Lois. Stop that, shirtless Clark.

"And way, way too close to her partner's throat than she liked." Huh?

There we go. More of that good WAFFy stuff. Good for you, shirtless-but-bandaged Clark.

"Machinegun-toting" never seen "machine gun" as one word before.

Yes, shirtless-but-bandaged Clark, fire is good. Brings warmth. Much like shirts. Also sweaters. You might want to remember those, even if they would disappoint your fans.

"You need to get out of those wet clothes," LOL!!

Firewood. Good idea, shirtless-but-bandaged-and-now-holding-his-sweater Clark, but you may want to get dressed before you go back out. Maybe even borrow a coat. Just a thought.

So, okay. That only took... an extra half hour. Not too bad. I think I'm going to sleep now, though. Good night, Lab. Great part. Looking forward to seeing more. Good night, shirtless-but-bandaged Clark. Good night, bandaged-but-not-shirtless Lois. Good night, FoLCs.

Paul

Oh! Clark...no shirt...Clark...no shhshhirt.

Yippee...

That was a wonderful 'site'.

An accoutant...for my sake I hope so. $$$$$

This part is over waaaaaaaaaa. How long do I have to wait for more?????????????????????

Sorry I cannot say more...must BR and watch CSI Miami.

Loved this. Just perfect. Speaks to the enormous amount of affection and trust between them. And, too, enjoyed Lois's adrenaline let-down and all the giddy thoughts that chased through her head now that she was sitting and relatively safe.

This, especially:

LOL! Wonderful!

You know, when I read this I forgot to be jealous. This is just so well done, so absorbing, and I felt really, really 'there.' Can't say that well enough, how completely you painted this atmosphere- be it cold, dark, dangerous, and now somewhat intimate and quiet, patterns of moonlight on the floor...how do you do that?!

Dashes, ellipses...I don't really notice them, I guess. To me it reads like they are breathless with cold, teeth chattering, hard to finish a sentence. Works just fine. But then again, that comes from the someone with a raging case of Ellipse Dependency, so take that with a hearty grain of salt.

I'm caught up, Lab! More?? Soon??

CC

LOL, Paul! I loved your stream of consciousness feedback!

Labrat,

Basically, what everyone else has said. I am completely wrapped up in this story. Do we get the next part today? Please?

- Vicki

Eeep. I've just this minute realised that it's Tuesday. /me is abject with her apologies.

Okay, here's the deal - right at this moment I'm completely wasted and my brain is too fried to properly pay the attention to your comments that they deserve.

So, going to go post part five now and I'll get to this folder a little later, tomorrow at the latest. Apologies!!

LabRat

Wait...You're posting 5 right now...well heck, no apologies needed!!!!


TEEEEEEEJ

Again, apologies for being tardy with this post. I'm delighted you seem to have enjoyed this segment. You were all having so much fun with the flight through the woods and the nasty smuggling gang, that I'd become worried that the abrupt change of pace into WAFFs would disappoint. See, readers can surprise authors just as much as authors surprise readers. <g>

Okay, first order of business - the dashes/ellipses. Okay, ellipses it is then. <g> Good thing I hadn't changed the master copy yet, right? And then, I think I'll just cut my losses. As I said earlier, I was fully expecting a 100% thumbs down for the ellipses. So, since the majority either didn't notice them, weren't bothered by them or thought they were effective, I figure that's good enough to be going on with. Thanks to everyone for their input on this one. And, Paul and Liz, don't apologise! The input on this helped me a lot. I've very much appreciated the honest responses.

Mere, I was so delighted you noticed that one. I was kind of proud of it <g> as it was almost completely an accident. I had to add to the paragraph to clear up some point and halfway through doing that my eye caught the paragraph under it and it suddenly struck me that it might be fun to have Lois rant on about macho males refusing to admit they were hurt…only to have her go on to do that very same thing herself in the next paragraph. So you made my day actually noticing that one.

Unlikely, Maria. Remember that this is lakeside cabin country – the immediate countryside is full of them. The gang, even if they did see smoke from a chimney, wouldn't think it anything unusual or out of the ordinary. It's something they see every day.

Toc – also happy you had fun with Lois's reactions as that section was enormous fun to write.

Right from the get go, I hadn't ever thought that the cabin was going to be ramshackle – I'd envisaged it as a weekend holiday cabin right from the start. But the idea kind of grew during discussions with my beta – and grew and grew - and I swear by the end of it I was channelling Niles Crane. <g> I'm sure Niles owns that cabin. Certainly, the mints on the pillows was a small homage to Frasier.

Was also nice to see you pick up on this one. I wasn't really that sure I'd adequately gotten across exactly what was going through Lois's mind at that point – that her given reasons were really just an excuse and she had far more selfish reasons for 'warning them off', even if she wasn't going to acknowledge them. To herself or him. So, great to see it did work for you.

Of the others:

This made me laugh. But the 'alligator' was 'rustling in the bushes', not the tree. Even Lois knows alligators can't climb trees. I think. Maybe. OTOH, knowing Lois, I rather suspect that the thing larger than a bird up in the tree, she probably thought was a vulture.

Love that. Had me chuckling for days. I could just fill up this post with quotes that made me laugh. <g>

Not aware this has any nationality attached to it. It was simply the way Lois chose to phrase it. I think that within the context of the paragraph it's in, the meaning should be clear though.

Oooooooooh. Good catch!

Thanks again, all of you, for taking the time to comment!

LabRat