Sara
~~~~Part 14 ~~~~
Clark stood and held out a hand for Lois to help her up. She took it, and together, they made their way to the center of the newsroom.
“You ready?” she asked under her breath, squeezing his hand and pasting a huge smile on her face.
He smiled back at her for appearances sake and whispered, “Only if you are.”
She nodded. “Attention everyone!” The clamor in the bullpen took a moment to subside. “Clark and I have an announcement to make.”
“Finally getting married?” Ralph shouted from his desk.
Cheers and whistles erupted around them, but stopped abruptly when she spoke again. “No, not yet. But this is more exciting. Clark and I are going to have a baby.” She gave her best smile and Clark, for his part, grinned happily and put a hand over the small swell in her belly.
The whistling and cheering resumed. Jimmy came up to Clark and clapped him on the shoulder. “Way to go, CK! Congrats, Lois.”
As Jimmy hugged her, her smile turned genuine. She’d always forgotten how much her co-workers actually did care about her. She only wished it were Clark’s hand she was holding. The commotion continued for another minute with coworkers coming up to them to give their best wishes. Lois was grateful when Perry stepped in.
“Hey you two, congratulations! You deserve the best. Unfortunately, that won’t sell newspapers. And as for everyone else, parties don’t increase circulation. Celebration’s over, this paper doesn’t run itself you know.” The huge grin on his face belied his gruff command.
She knew Perry was, as he would say, ‘happier than a preacher in a month of Sundays.’ And she was happy too. Really she was, but the excitement of their front-page story was fading quickly. She looked at Clark and gave his hand a squeeze. She just wished she was with *her* Clark. This was *their* moment. And it was killing her inside that he wasn’t here. She moved in close to Clark’s ear. “I think we should kiss for the benefit of those still watching.” His nod was imperceptible and he moved to graze her lips with his own. She took the kiss deeper for a moment before pulling away and raised her voice slightly. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Honey.”
She smiled at him and hoped her eyes sparkled when she did. They returned to Clark’s desk and sat down to get back to work. “That wasn’t so bad,” she lied, trying to keep the smile on her face. If she didn’t, she was sure she’d start crying.
He replied in the same subdued tone, “No, it wasn’t.”
***
But it *was* bad. He couldn’t keep kissing Lois like this. Not with both of their emotions running so high and especially not after that night. He had to keep reminding himself that Lois wasn’t his to love. Though, he wasn’t even sure it was love. That was the most confusing part, this loving someone he hadn’t even met. How could this all-consuming feeling be eating at his heart when he hadn’t even laid eyes on his Lois? Would his Lois even be the same? Was she fiery and determined? Sensitive and compassionate? Would she love him the way Lois loved Clark? Would his heart beat in time with hers? Would he ever get to see her face? Look into her eyes? Love her? Ask her to marry him? Have a baby with her?
The not knowing, or rather the fact that he knew he probably never would have those things, was agony. But before he could torment himself further, the sound of a special news bulletin from the bank of televisions caught his attention. A mudslide in China. Hundreds were injured already and they were just beginning to count the deaths. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the noise, the screaming he could hear in the background. He’d been doing fine these past few weeks, but nothing like *this* had happened. He had to get out of here. Away from the TVs. If he could just be where there wasn’t a television or radio for miles, he might be okay. China was far enough away that he wouldn’t hear the cries of terror and pain.
Antarctica.
That’s where he ended up, sitting on the frozen tundra. He sat there for a long while, agonizing over his inability to help. For the last month, he’d been able to ignore the minor accidents and robberies and such, knowing the emergency services could handle them. He’d only be tense for a moment before he’d hear that help was on the way. But this? This was far worse. This was a job for Superman and unfortunately, he was impotent. He couldn’t do anything. And it was killing him.
How had he ever thought he didn’t want to be Superman anymore? Had he really thought he was sick and tired of being a hero to a seemingly ungrateful world? He knew this other Clark, this other Superman, was a far greater hero than he might ever be, but he did make a difference. He did save lives. He hadn’t recognized it until he’d come to this Metropolis, but Superman was a part of him. Just being Superman had been what was sustaining him. Even when he’d been at his lowest point, he’d still answer a cry for help. Looking back, he realized it had helped him survive. Half of him - the Clark half - had been robbed from him in his home universe. And here the opposite was true. In both worlds, he was robbed of a piece of himself. But in both places, he had a void where Lois should be. At home, a physical void, and here, one imposed by their own circumstance. There was a Lois here that he couldn’t touch. Couldn’t hold. Because she wasn’t his. She was…
Oh God! Lois! He’d left without telling her where he was going. She’d be worried. Or furious. Or both. And he’d left her alone. Right after “their” announcement. He knew she was exceptionally emotional right now and he’d left. He zipped back to Metropolis as quickly as he could, taking care not to be seen as he landed in the alleyway next to the Planet building. He hardly noticed it was raining as he jogged inside.
***
Lois’ head snapped up again when she heard the elevator ding. But it wasn’t him. Where had he gone? She’d seen the reports of the mudslide, but much to her relief, though she felt guilty for it, Superman hadn’t shown up in China. Only an hour had passed. A really long hour. She’d found herself having to make excuses for Clark’s absence again. She hadn’t realized how out of practice she’d been. Perry had come up to her with a perplexed look on his face, asking where Clark was. She’d fumbled out something, barely noting the troubled quality in his eyes and the way he kept looking up at the television screens expectantly. And ever since, she’d been restlessly been checking the elevator and the stairwell doors every time they opened.
She didn’t know why she was worried. He was a grown man. He could take care of himself. And he hadn’t slipped up and rushed off to be Superman, so why should she be worried? Maybe it was the feeling in the pit of her stomach that something was wrong with Clark. Not that he was in any immediate danger, but something was bothering him, something big. The elevator sounded again and she anxiously waited for the doors to open. She sighed in relief. It was him. She had to resist the urge to jump out of her chair and greet him. He was watching her as he descended the ramp to her desk, looking apologetic as he approached.
“Lois,” he started in a low voice. “I’m so sorry, I just…well…” He glanced toward the TV bank and she saw the relief in his face when he saw that the disaster was no longer being featured. “I had to get out of here. I’m sorry. I should have told you.” He knelt down beside her chair and his voice became a pained whisper. “I could hear them scream. I couldn’t watch. I couldn’t listen…”
She ached for him. Her hand went to his face and cupped his cheek. “It’s okay, Clark. Everything will be okay. Why don’t we get out of here? There’s not much left to work on today. We can start our follow up tomorrow.”
He nodded slowly and rose. “Let me just get my stuff together.”
Lois eyed him wearily all the way to the Jeep. And on the ride back to her place during which he hadn’t said so much as a word. He’d followed her numbly to her door and sat heavily on her couch once they were inside. And he still hadn’t said anything. She was starting to wonder why she hadn’t just dropped him off at home.
Because he needs to talk, Lois.
He was just like Clark, never wanting to burden anyone with his inner turmoil. Though she had a feeling that the Clark sitting next to her, playing absently with the fringe on one of her throw pillows, was worse than her Clark. He’d lived most of his life without his parents, without anyone, to talk to. He must be far more adept when it came to keeping everything bottled up inside.
Which is precisely why you need to *make* him talk, Lois.
“Clark?”
He looked up at her and the pain in his eyes tore at her.
“Talk to me, Clark.”
He sighed heavily. “There isn’t anything to say, Lois.”
She followed his eyes when he focused again on the way the little cords of fabric slipped between his fingers. His hands were trembling. She opened her mouth to try something else, but his shaky voice stopped her.
“One hundred and thirteen people.” Clark drew in a shuddering breath. She could tell he was doing his best not to cry. “One hundred and thirteen people died today because I didn’t save them.”
Lois inhaled sharply. She hadn’t known the death toll. But Clark had found out. Of course he had. “Clark, it’s not your fault.”
He tried to protest, but she cut him off.
“Clark. Look at me.” When his teary eyes met hers, she continued, “Clark, it’s *not* your fault. There’s nothing you could have done. People think that Superman’s gone, they won’t blame you.”
“Yeah, but I blame me.”
She didn’t know what to say. Just like Clark, he felt responsible for every life he couldn’t save. Normally, she’d be able to give her “what you *can* do is enough” speech, but that was precisely the problem here. He *couldn’t* do anything. And when she thought about it, how fair was it to ask him to be here and pretend to be someone else? Even to the point of causing him so much pain?
“I’m sorry, Clark.”
“It’s not your fault, Lois.”
“But it is, Clark. It’s *my* life you’re trying to preserve. I just feel...well...selfish, considering...”
She hadn’t meant for that to snap him out of his mood, but it did. He looked her in the eyes again, some of the pain was still there – buried – but it seemed to have faded.
“Lois. Don’t. I don’t blame you. You shouldn’t blame yourself.”
He was looking at her so earnestly, so intensely. Did he realize what he’d just said? Probably no. She smiled in spite of the situation. “You’re right, Clark.”
He managed to smile back at her, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Good. I’m glad, Lois. “I’d hate for you to blame yourself for something you have no...control...over...” His smile widened a bit. “You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you set that whole thing up. I should take my own advice, right?”
She nodded.
“Okay, Lois, I’ll try.”
“Good. Now let’s get something to eat, I’m starving.”
He chuckled. “So, what do you want?”
“Anything but taquitos.”
***
That night alone in bed, after she and Clark had talked, Lois replayed the announcement in her mind. It’d been time. Today wasn’t just the day she and Clark had gotten their page one story, or “just the right time” to tell everyone. It was four months to the day, today, that Clark had been gone. She wasn’t sure if the announcement was in memoriam, or to spite him for not coming back. She felt both ways. And...she was starting to feel hopeless again.
She bit her lip and sighed heavily. Four months. Clark had been gone for four months. But why? Why had he been gone so long? His presence on New Krypton was supposed to have prevented civil war. Right? He was just supposed to set up shop – so to speak, find some creative way to get rid of that horrible Nor, and come back home to her. That couldn’t take that long. Certainly not four months. But what if she was wrong? Completely off base? What if war *had* broken out, regardless or because of Clark’s presence? Wars took years to fight. Not months. Years of death and destruction. People died fighting wars.
What if Clark was already dead? What if he’d been killed? What then? How would she know? The tears came again, flowing freely down her face. She wouldn’t know. She’d never know. No one on New Krypton cared about her. Why would they travel across space just to tell her that Clark was dead? They wouldn’t. She’d seen the way Zara and Ching were – void of emotion. And she knew they didn’t care much for her at all. She’d be left here wondering. Forever. And Clark…she tried not to imagine him dead, but the image came anyway. He’d be buried on a dead rock all alone and she wouldn’t even be able to mourn his death or visit his grave.
Lois covered her stomach with both hands. “At least I have you,” she whispered.
tbc...
