Lois arrived home, her feelings still playing havoc with her peace of mind.
Her idea of aversion therapy had troubled her when she first thought of it, but now that she had given voice to the plan, it was starting to haunt her even more deeply. In fact, that was likely the reason why she had had such a restless sleep. All the talk about her burn mark, followed by her defending her aversion-therapy plan had taken its toll, and she had dreamt of Kal, and of Clark. The dreams hadn’t been solid - she couldn’t really remember actual evnts from her dreams, but she woke up with an uncomfortable feeling about the whole thing.
She felt nervous about the idea of seeing Clark that day, not sure if she would revert back to her old tendency towards having a bout of panic when she first saw him.
She wanted desperately to talk to him – but perversely, she also didn’t want to talk to him – she wanted more time to mull things over in her head… to decide if she even wanted to seriously pursue this course of action. Another part of her wanted to blurt the idea out to him and get his buy-in as soon as possible. Get it over with – rip the bandaid off. Have it be done, and let her be healed. Or hurt? Could she be hurt by this course of action? Was Lucy right? On some level – was she actually hoping to make things fail? And if so – why? Being self-sabotaging was something she was well familiar with. Her career – her fitness – her diet – those were things she succeeded with in terms of her goals – but her love life? Never. She had always screwed up her chances of being happy with a man – mostly by picking the wrong men. The men who practically wore their wrongness like a beacon. Clark was the first man she had been with in any way who had been a good choice… was that what was scaring her after all? End it now before she screwed it up? No. It’s not that. Not that at all. I really am afraid of him wearing black. Of him being angry. I didn’t make this stuff up. It’s there, and it’s not healthy. A woman should not marry a man she is sometimes deathly afraid of. If I do this, I can purge those feelings. Become whole again. Easy as pie. Except… pie isn’t easy. It isn’t. There’s all these stupid rules about making pastry that I could never figure out… and… well – this isn’t that easy either. It never is. The things that are worth it never are. And like Lucy said, it very well could be a disastrously stupid thing to do. And she’s right – why haven’t I talked to Lana about this? Obviously I know that Lana would dissuade me from the idea, and I just don’t want to hear it. The problem is – I know it’s stupid. I know it’s dangerous. And yet, that’s exactly why I’m going to go ahead with it. Why break tradition?
She sighed in frustration as she headed for the shower.
Thirty minutes later, she still felt agitated. That didn’t help. I guess I should just call him and get the day going. We have a lot to do today. Maybe he won’t notice that I’m distracted.
She picked up the phone and called his number.
“Hi, Lois, I was hoping you’d call” he said, his voice full of warmth and welcome.
“Hi,” she said, feeling very shy. “Is now a good time for you to come on over?”
“Yeah, if it’s good for you. Door or window?”
“Window! Less public that way, believe it or not.”
“Neighbors been hassling you?”
“Just the burning curiosity in their eyes. But that’ll be satisfied soon enough… “
“Be there in a few seconds. Uh – that is… if you meant ‘now’ now… and not 15 minutes from now.”
“’Now’ now.”
“Okay! See you …. Now…”
She hung up the phone, and went over to the balcony and opened the door in preparation. True to his words, he was there almost instantly. She saw him, and felt assaulted by a wave of nervous shyness. The old hints of panic were starting to uncoil, and she furiously tamped them back. As she had feared, he looked more like Kal to her than he normally did.
Defiantly telling her fears that she wasn’t going to give them any more credence, she moved forward towards him and threw her arms around him drawing him close for a kiss. She kissed him fiercely, luxuriating in the strength of his passionate response. His arms were around her waist now, and she felt a thrill of excitement as her body connected with his in an intimate and sensual way.
She tightened her grip around him and increased the pressure of her kiss. Had he been a human man, her grip may have started to become painful, the pressure uncomfortable. She felt as if she were transmitting to him, on a physical level, that she wanted him to do the same. Hold me tighter. Tighter than that. Kiss me harder! She almost felt like she wanted him to hurt her. If he did, it might feel like it did with Kal, and she would know that even then, it would be okay – she would be okay… that nothing bad could happen to her.
But of course, Clark would never do that. Not even in her unspoken invitation to increase the pressure of their contact. She felt a bubble of frustration erupt through her as she realized he wasn’t picking up on her signals. She made a sound in her throat that could have been passion or agitation and he wondered at it – wondered at her strange and unsettling behavior.
Something is wrong.
He was the one to break the kiss, and he looked at her flushed face and stormy eyes with a question in his eyes.
She saw this and frantically sought to avoid questioning.
“I… I’m glad you came,” she said, her voice a labored gasp. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too,” he said carefully, still feeling confused by her behavior.
“I … we have a lot to do today,” she said quickly, making sure he knew not to ask.
“I know. Tell Lana, and then Cat.”
“If you’re sure… still… that you want to do this.”
“Tell people? Absolutely.”
“You aren’t just going along with it?”
“I promise to never just go along with something. Okay? I really want them to know. Are you… do you want to wait on this? Because you know – if you do –there’s no reason why we have to tell anyone before Lana’s wedding. We don’t even have to make it like we’re going together, if that’s what – “
“No! I want everyone to know. I really do.”
“Good, then we’re in agreement.”
“Yeah,” she said, finding herself suddenly at a loss for words. The urgency was still there inside her to fill up the silences so he wouldn’t get a chance to comment on her distracted and strange behavior.
“Did you invite Lana here, or are we supposed to meet her?”
“I invited her here. Um. She’ll be here in about 20 minutes.”
“Great!”
“Yeah. I… I hope she’s not mad at me or anything. I haven’t talked to her in a while.”
“I don’t imagine she would be… “
“I just don’t want her to think I was using her when I needed her - I just… you know - … I just… needed a break from talking about my own problems, and – I guess - I don’t know.”
“Did she sound mad?”
“No. I’m just… inventing stuff in my head, I guess. You know me.”
He didn’t know what to say, so he just waited for her to continue.
She licked her lips nervously, and once again fought to break the silence.
“So… how was that rescue? Was it … did everything go all right?” She had already read about it, so she knew nobody had died, but still – dealing with the injured could be painful, and that’s what lovers did – supported each other in times of pain.
“It was… it was okay. In the end – it was okay. Nobody died. I mean – it’s hard to see people hurt. But… nobody died. Sometimes… you get lucky.”
“They got lucky – you came to help.”
“Well… you know – I just … like to help.”
“Yeah. That’s what makes you so unique… you do it for no reason other than the fact that you like to help.”
“Lots of people do, Lois … really – it’s not that unique. You’re the kind of person to do that as well, and Perry – and… my parents, when they were alive – “
“I know. I guess… unique… well… “ Different from Kal.
“Lois…? Is… are you – “
“You know, I can call Lana and ask her to come over sooner! That will start the day off quicker. How about I do that?”
She turned to get the phone.
Hoping that it wasn’t a wrong move, he moved towards her and put a gently arresting hand on her arm.
“Lois.” His voice was quiet – but also resolute.
She looked over at him. Here it comes.
“What’s wrong?”
“I…”
“You’re acting… you seem… uncomfortable. What’s wrong?”
She looked down, unable to meet his gaze.
“I… I had … some bad dreams last night," she said, not yet ready to talk about the role-playing idea.
"Okay…” His voice was gentle, encouraging her to continue.
“About you… no… about him…”
His heart sank. Had she started thinking of him as ‘Kal’ again? Was it some awful Freudian slip?
“I actually dreamt of both of you… I… I … I guess I was … I was interacting with you… “ She flushed, not wanting to go into any level of detail about the intimate nature of that interaction, “ and… then… you just kind of turned into him.”
He was quiet, not wanting to express any level of dismay – he had to be able to handle her dreams, her flashbacks, and her panic attacks. He absolutely had to be able to handle it without requiring comfort – because that’s what it would take to be with her. He couldn’t burden her with his own feelings.
“I’m not afraid of you,” she said quickly, reading a flicker of something in his eyes. “I know you aren’t suddenly going to start acting like him. I get that… one hundred percent.”
“I… I know. I do. It’s obvious. By how you relate to me now –“
“Okay. It’s just that –my subconscious mind is going to occasionally do these things… I guess… I’m just worried – not about what you will do – but about what I will do –I’m afraid of panic attacks… or flashbacks… and because I fear these things, I guess I’m starting to have nightmares now. “
“God… Lois, I don’t know what to say to that. I’m… that’s just…awful for you.”
“Yeah. “
“I promise – I will deal with whatever happens – without taking it personally – I mean – you don’t have to worry about my reactions…”
“I know – I know – I told you – you aren’t the thing … the person… that I fear.”
“Not so much fear of me… rather… for me. I’m okay – if you … need time or space. I’m okay.”
She looked at him with a pained expression. She shook her head impatiently. “No. I … I no… I don’t. I don’t need that.”
Who is she trying to convince? Me? Or her?
He was silent a moment, not sure if he should challenge her assertions or just go along with it. Obviously she was feeling on edge and unsettled, but equally obvious was the fact that she didn’t want him to really notice it. Giving it a quick run through in his mind, he decided to wait for her to open up to him. So far, that had yielded good results.
“Okay,” he said quietly.
A sharp ring brought the same thought to both minds: Saved by the bell.
Lois nearly broke Clark’s best speed record in rushing to the door. Clark watched her wryly. Yeah. Nothing wrong here. Before he could pursue this line of thinking, Lana was breezing into his space and planting a friendly kiss on his cheek.
“It’s so great to see you guys!”
“Same here, Lana,” he said with a big smile. It was too. Great to see her. To deflect and postpone the tension – and even better, to share their happy news. Also – it was great to see Lana because she was once again his old friend – not the fiancée he had learned to dread.
“Lana, can I get you anything to drink?”
Later, after formalities were dispensed with, and the three of them were seated comfortably in Lois’s living room, Lana looked at them pointedly.
“So, have you set a date yet?’
“That transparent, are we?” Clark wasn’t surpised. He had always been drawn to shrewd women.
“Well. I figured – why would you invite me over like this.”
He winced. “Okay… maybe we deserve that…”
“No – that’s not what I meant… but… you know… like this… like … something big was up.”
“We haven’t set a date,” said Lois, “but we will… soon enough. We wanted to share the news with our loved ones before telling the world.”
Lana leaned over and gave her a hug.
“Loved one,” she said, smiling. “I like that! Oh. Congratulations! This is just fantastic. I love it when people I think would be great together get together. I’m happy for you. I really… really… am." She said this last, looking at Clark pointedly. I’m happy for you. Despite what happened before – with us – with her… I’m so happy.
“Thank you, Lana – that means a lot.”
“To me too,” said Lois. “You’ve been… such a friend to me. I can’t ever repay you for what you’ve done…”
“Lois – all I did was lend an ear… “
“You did more than that.”
“Glad to have been of service then,” she said, in her trademark flippant way. Her eyes told another story – that of being deeply touched.
“How about you,” asked Lois. “Are you all set for the wedding?”
“As best as I’ll ever be,” she said with a sigh. “Planning these things… and seeing it all come together… it’s fun. It’s frightening. It’s… just a crazy ride. I’ll be glad to be done with this, and on with the next journey.”
“I’ll bet.”
“Can I tell him? My honey? About you two?”
“Absolutely!”
“When are you going to go fully public.”
“Today, actually,” said Clark.
“Hey! It’s lucky I was able to come over then!”
“We wouldn’t have gone public until you knew.”
“I know. I was just teasing.”
“Do you have time for lunch – or –“
“I have to go,” she said in honest regret. “I have a lot of wedding stuff that has to get done today. Final steps, and then – I’ll be free… “
“Don’t let us delay your liberation then,” said Lois with a smile.
Lana looked at her, and then her own smile faltered. “I’m sorry. That was kind of …”
“No,” she said. “Don’t. I was just thinking of the many ways we can feel trapped… trapped by … responsibility – it’s a far different thing than the actual ‘caged-in’ kind of trapped.”
She paled. “He didn’t keep you in a cage, did he?”
Lois quickly answered after seeing the horror on both Clark and Lana’s faces. “No. No. Metaphorical cage.”
“God, Lois…”
“Sorry, Clark. Sorry Lana… didn’t mean to upset you guys.”
“It’s good for you to talk about this, Lois – as a matter of course, in conversation. It means you’re able to … interact with those memories in a way that isn’t consuming you. It’s healthy and it means you’ve come a long way.”
Lois felt a start of guilt. Yeah? Wait til you hear the crazy idea I’ve got hatching… but I haven’t come so far a way as to be willing to tell you this crazy idea. That would make far too much sense.
Lana saw the shadowed expression cross her face, and faltered. What?
“I appreciate hearing all that,” Lois said quickly. “It means a lot, coming from you.”
“Any time. You ever need a listening ear… I mean, I know you’ve got your honey here, but – I’m here for you too.” She stood up, in preparation to leave, and Clark and Lois stood as well.
Hugs were exchanged, goodbyes given, and Lois and Clark found themselves alone again. The tension started mounting almost immediately.
[tbc]
