from last time...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Clark,” Lois whispered, when he was down the stairs, in front of her.
He leaned heavily on the men around him. “Hi,” he said to her, attempting to smile.
Lois just stared at him, her mouth open, and realized she had tears running down her cheek. “Hi,” she said, before she lurched herself at him, arms open. As soon as her arms were wrapped around him, she let the sobs come. She knew the others would hold him up and that he, in turn, would hold her up, like always. She knew she shouldn’t attack him, that he was too weak. But she couldn’t help it. He was alive and he was home and he was once again with her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME
PART 18
“So let me get this straight. Lois didn’t marry Luthor, he’s dead and all of you know my secret?” Clark asked, sitting at the kitchen table.
Lois, the Kents, Jack and Henderson exchanged looks.
“Yeah,” they all said, shrugging nonchalantly.
“Is nothing the way I left it?” Clark joked.
“Sweetie, you look so tired and rundown,” Martha said, touching his forehead gingerly. “How do you feel?”
“I feel… okay, I guess. I don’t feel like myself right now,” he admitted.
He felt awful actually. But seeing all their happy faces, he didn’t want to ruin it by worrying them anymore.
“I think you should be in bed,” Jonathan said.
“Is it really okay that you’re not in the hospital anymore?” Jack asked.
“Bernie said it was okay,” Henderson chimed in. “He’ll be doing house calls and we have the painkillers with us. He needs to take two three times a day.”
“Oh, we’ll make sure of that,” Martha said.
“I don’t have the energy right now to get into it, but I would like to know how everyone in the room, except for you two,” he said to his parents, “found out my secret.”
“After you get your rest, we’ll tell you all about it,” Henderson said. “Bernie said you should lie down the second you got home, and you’ve been talking for fifteen minutes now.”
Clark nodded, but couldn’t take his eyes off of Lois. After her outburst of affection when she’d first seen him, she had closed up. She wasn’t looking at him or talking much. He started to worry that she was upset at him for lying to her about being Superman. Before he could ask her if anything was wrong though, he felt the strength of three men pulling on him, forcing him to allow them to carry him for once.
“Let’s go, big guy,” Henderson said, as he, Jonathan and Jack led and supported Clark to his bedroom.
*****************
*****************
“Well, he’s in his own pajamas in his own bed,” Jack said, walking back out to the kitchen.
Lois jumped at his voice. She’d been staring out the window again… lost in her thoughts.
“How is he?” she asked.
“I’ve seen him better,” Jack joked. His smile faded when Lois shot him a ‘be serious’ look. “I think he’s still in a lot of pain. But Lois… he’s awake. He’s back. Stop looking like we lost him.”
“We did, Jack. We lost Clark. You’re right; he’s back. But we lost him all the same. What we have with him right now, it’s a second chance. And it scares me,” she admitted, whispering.
“Why?” Jack asked.
Jack and Lois sat down at the kitchen table.
“It scares me because I messed up so badly the first time around. I won’t get another chance like this. I’m not sure I deserve another chance.”
“This isn’t your second chance to make things right with Clark, Lois. It’s his second chance at life. He wasn’t supposed to die. It wasn’t his time. If you want to make the most of things now that he’s back, if you want to take some grand lesson from the whole thing, well that’s just an added bonus.”
Lois looked up at him, shock written on her face. It was true. This wasn’t about her. Clark died! He lost his life. He wasn’t supposed to lose his life and he did! Now he was back. This was about him. Her own remorse, bereavement and fear needed to take the backburner to the more important issue. For all the worry she’d felt for Clark for the past two days, it was easy to forget now that he was clearly going to be okay. She could so easily go back to her main concern being them and their problems and the things that had gone wrong the week before. But Jack reminded her that she needed to remember that the major thing that had happened was that Clark, her best friend and the man she loved, had died. The only thing that mattered, even now that he was awake, was that he was back. Back with a second chance to live.
“When did you get so wise, Jack?” she asked.
He shrugged, giving her a half-smile.
******************
******************
“Oh, honey. We thought we lost you!” Martha cried, her hand on Clark’s.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I wish I hadn’t caused everyone so much pain,” Clark said, smiling weakly up at his parents, resting his head on his pillows.
“Well, son, you didn’t do it on purpose,” Jonathan said, his hand on Clark’s shoulder. He sat beside Martha, his other hand on her shoulder.
“We’re just so glad you’re okay,” Martha cried. Tears spilled down her cheeks. “Clark, we love you so much.”
“I love you both too, so much,” Clark said.
“Let’s let him rest,” Jonathan said to his wife.
“Before I rest, could you tell…”
“We’ll send her in,” Martha promised. She kissed his forehead before leaving him alone.
********************
********************
“Here you go,” Henderson said, handing Lois Clark’s painkillers, as she walked him to the door so he could leave.
“Thank you,” she said, taking the medicine nervously. “Are you sure it’s okay that he’s not at the hospital? He looks so weak. I mean, I’m all for having him here, being able to see him any time I want to, even after visitor’s hours are over, but if he’d be better off—“
“Even if he would be better off at the hospital, he isn’t having that. He wants to be here. Who knows, maybe being in the comfort of his own home, surrounded by the people he loves will be worlds better for him than any sunlight machine. He’s awake now. During the day, he should probably take in all the rays he can. Other than that, I think TLC is the best medicine for this case,” Henderson said.
Lois smiled appreciatively. Henderson turned to leave, but Lois touched his shoulder, stopping him. “Bill? Are you… I mean… how are you dealing? You know, with…”
“…killing a man two days ago?”
Lois looked at him sympathetically, nodding slightly.
“I’m okay, Lois. I won’t lie and say that I don’t think about it or still occasionally wonder if I could have done something differently. But I know I couldn’t have. Logically, I know that. Lex Luthor was an evil man and he was going to kill me, Clark, and who knows who else. So… it’s fine. He’s dead... And I am okay,” he said, looking like he really meant that.
“You’ve done so much for me, Bill, in the last few days. And for the Kents and for Clark, too. You… I just hope you know how much we all appreciate it.”
“Lois, I wouldn’t have it any other way. And you’ve helped me too; you were an ear when I really needed to talk. They always try to make us talk to therapists. Police officers, I mean. We see a lot of bad things, you know? Like Superman. They’ve made comments on the force too about Superman probably needing professional help, with everything that he sees everyday. I think for some people that’s fine. I think for others, a good friend is all you need. Clark’s had his parents all his life and now he can talk to you. What I’m trying to say, and I’m rambling like you right now, is that you’ve been a good friend to me too, Lois, by listening to me and giving me advice. And I’m sure you’ll be that and more to Clark now too.”
“Bill, I hope that you’ll continue to talk to me if you need to ever. I’m here. We’re friends now,” Lois said.
Henderson smiled. “Okay.”
He opened the door and looked back at Lois. “I will see you tomorrow.”
“Bye,” Lois said, closing the door behind him.
“Okay, Lois, we’ll see you in the morning,” Martha said.
Lois turned, seeing Martha, Jonathan and Jack in their coats, holding their suitcases, standing at the door. In her conversation with Henderson, she hadn’t heard them getting ready to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked, furrowing her eyebrows together in utter confusion.
“To your place to crash,” Jack said, like he had better things to do than to point out the obvious.
“What?” she asked. “All of us at my place? Granted it’s a nice sized one-bedroom, but still…”
“Jonathan and I will take your bed, Lois, I hope you don’t mind, and Jack will stay on the couch again, and we’ll be back in the morning, now where are your keys?”
“Where will I sleep?” Lois asked.
“Oh, honey, there’s plenty of room here. There’s the couch, the loft, the other side of Clark’s bed…” Martha said, looking around for the keys. She picked up Lois’s coat and felt around the pockets. “Unless of course—“
“Now wait a minute,” Lois started.
“Ah, here they are. We’ll take your car and bring it right back in the morning.”
“See ya, Lois,” Jack said, opening the door.
“Okay, honey, get a good night sleep,” Martha said, as if it were a completely normal night and she were just tucking her child in.
Lois opened her mouth, still confused. Before she could say anything, they had all said ‘goodbye’ and scurried quickly out the door.
Leaving her alone.
Well… almost alone.
When it finally registered what they had done, she turned and looked back at the apartment. Clark’s apartment. It was so quiet.
She took a deep breath and headed down the stairs, back inside.
*********************
*********************
Clark looked around his room. Relief swept over him as he realized he’d only days ago thought he would never see that room again. He’d thought he would never lie comfortably in his own bed, free from pain, free from darkness…
Free…
In his cage, all those hours ago, he had thought small luxuries like lying in one’s own bed, the worries of the world far away, were lost and gone forever. But now he was back. He was comfortable, despite his pain, and his family was by his side. Well, now they were gone. But they were still there for him… always there for him. And his family seemed bigger now than it had been back when his life was simpler… back before all this started. His family was bigger and filled his heart with even more love than he had ever before felt.
But Lois…
She seemed distant. She had hugged him with all the energy in the world when he first arrived home, which made him feel wonderful. It made being home really encompass that meaning. She seemed to care so deeply about him that she could not possibly be upset at having discovered he’d kept such a massive secret from her for so long. But then she closed up. She didn’t look at him. She didn’t say much.
He started to wonder if she had just shown initial relief because he was okay, but once it had sunk in for her that he was, she would go back to her feelings of anger and resentment. Cut him out of her life or something.
His mouth fell open slightly in sad shock, as pieces from before his imprisonment started coming together. Her anger. The hatred in those beautiful eyes he had dreamed of seeing once again. Her words. She did cut him from her life… because…
…because she knew.
She must have learned his secret somehow. And she did not want Clark Kent in her life anymore.
His heart swelled with an aching sadness at that thought. He’d never told her and she had discovered it on her own. His own cowardice had driven her away. The feeling this knowledge caused was a searing pain in his heart and in his soul. Mixed with the physical pain and a human vulnerability he was not completely accustomed to, he allowed the feelings to encompass him. He started breathing harder, as the pain grasped his heart. A tear rolled out of his eye to his ear as he stared at the ceiling.
With all the energy in him, he sat up and looked around his empty and desolate apartment. He had an eerie sense of familiarity. He had lived this moment before. Alone in his apartment, crying on his bed, missing Lois. It was the day before he… well, died.
Somehow the sense of loss felt stronger now.
He dropped his head slowly into his hands and quietly cried.
“Clark?”
******************
******************
Lois ran into Clark’s room, her heart in her throat she was so nervous. She had walked to his doorway to check on him. But nothing could have prepared her for what she saw.
Clark was sitting up, his head in his hands, and he was clearly trembling.
“Clark?!” she said again, running to his side.
He seemed shocked that she was there, his eyes telling all. He pulled his head out of his hands so quickly, his face filled with fear. He seemed afraid that she was seeing him like this… vulnerable… crying…
Human…
“Are you okay? What happened?” she asked, sitting down on the bed, touching his forehead gently.
“I… Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry… I didn’t think anyone was here,” he explained.
“You thought we’d just leave you alone. After you DIED. After you barely made it through the door and into this bed!? You see, Clark? This is why I’m the senior partner,” she said, playfully, but extremely gently, patting his shoulder.
“Is that why?” he asked, forcing a small smile. He wiped his eyes quickly. “I am really sorry you’re seeing this, Lois. I feel so—“
“Don’t apologize Clark,” she said, wiping one of his tears away with her own hand. “I just want to know what’s wrong. And don’t even think about lying to me. I am your sole babysitter tonight and I’m taking care of you, something I can’t do if you’re telling me you’re okay when you’re clearly not—“
“Babysitter?” he asked, smiling.
Lois smiled back at him. He seemed better, somehow, just talking to her. He may, she mused, just have been feeling scared and in pain thinking he’d been left alone. She touched his cheek… cupped it… the way he’d touched her cheek countless times.
“What’s wrong, Clark?”
“I thought I’d lost you,” he admitted after hesitating a moment and taking a breath.
“What?” she asked. “You thought you lost me? Clark, you were the one who… I mean… we thought we’d lost you.”
“I thought you didn’t want me in your life anymore, since I never told you… you know. About me.”
“You mean, since you neglected to mention that if you called me one day, excitedly, and told me you were on cloud nine, I should actually take that literally?”
He smiled. “Yeah.”
He winced very slightly, from the energy it was taking to sit up.
“Lie down, Clark. Get comfortable,” Lois said, guiding him back down onto the pillows. She fluffed a few, so he could lie down, but still be able to converse with her comfortably.
He moved to get comfortable, and looked at her with a gentle smile once he was settled.
“Now, tell me, Clark. What do you mean you thought you lost me?”
“You were so mad at me. I guess you knew. You figured it out…”
“I did,” she said. “I figured it out that day we met on Main Street. I ran after you and… and I saw.”
Clark took a deep breath. “I told myself to never change without making sure no one was around. That day it was an orphanage on fire. I’m lucky it was you that saw.”
“That’s true.”
“Well everything makes more sense now. I can’t believe I didn’t put the pieces together. I mean, why else would you want me AND Superman out of your life all at once, seemingly out of nowhere?”
“I should have told you I knew, Clark. I was so mad and humiliated… I didn’t want to hear your excuses. But by being stubborn, I never gave you a chance. I created a monster out of you, even when my memories and a little voice of reason in my head overrode that image. You deserved to know that I knew.”
“And you deserved to know the truth. From me.”
She sighed, playing with the curl that rested peacefully on this forehead. “It couldn’t have worked that way, I don’t think.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“It happened on my terms. I was angry on my terms, and you couldn’t take that away from me or even try to appease me, simply because you didn’t really know what was wrong with me. But also understanding you had to happen on my terms. In those days leading up to… uh, the wedding… I tried so hard to see you as a liar and a monster. But slowly, I started to understand you. I understand why you never told me. I understand what your life has been like. I understand why you lied, Clark, and I have even recently realized that I’m glad you did.”
“I’m sorry, I thought I was talking to Lois Lane. You sure do look like her, but…”
“Oh stop,” she said, smiling. “I really am glad you didn’t tell me about yourself, Clark. I started to realize something important. The most precious thing we have, you and me, is this… special friendship. It’s always been so pure and true and unique… and if I had known you were Superman, it never would have been. I’d know you as well as I knew him, and I didn’t know him well at all. I knew he could fly and bend steel with his bare hands. I knew he was handsome and had a good heart and always did the right thing. Helped wherever he could. I knew he could see through things and hear calls for help from a great distance.” She took a deep breath. “I’d never met his parents or seen the room he grew up in. I never knew that he was this amazing writer whose words touched so many hearts. I didn’t know how much he loved pizza and Mel Gibson movies and chocolate ice cream and big celebrations that honor corn.”
“That was an annual fair!”
She smiled and looked at him. “Slowly, by just being left alone with that one simple fact, that you and he were one in the same, it started to make sense. It happened in a way that an explanation from you couldn’t have accomplished. And when you… when you died,” she said, her voice quivering, “everything became even clearer. Clark, you never have to apologize to me about keeping this a secret. I understand. You don’t owe me or ever have to give me an explanation about why. I know why. And I know that it was not because of a lack of trust. I know you do trust me more than anything. I know that trust… for both of us… never could have been formed if things hadn’t happened exactly the way they had. If you hadn’t created him and kept yourself separate.”
Clark smiled up at her and she could see tears in his eyes. “I never thought that the day I learned you knew my secret, we’d have a heart-to-heart in which you would tell me it was okay and you completely understood and more or less thanked me for, well, lying.”
Lois smiled. “A lot happened while you were, uh… sleeping.”
“Apparently. Everyone and their grandmother knows my secret and nothing is the way I left it. Let me ask you this. Is the Planet still in shambles?”
“Yes.”
“Well then one thing is the same. Although I wish it weren’t.”
Lois smiled. “It’s being rebuilt though,” she said, which made him smile.
“The last thing I remember about my life, before today, Lois, is that you hated me, were about to marry Lex Luthor, the Planet was gone forever, and my parents were the only people that knew I was Superman.”
“It’s a lot to come back to.”
“I couldn’t have chosen a more perfect situation to return to,” he said, quietly. “Why, Lois?” he asked, slowly and carefully.
She looked down at him. He still looked so pale and weak. She met his gaze, realizing what his one worded question really meant. “I didn’t love him. I couldn’t do it, so I stopped it.”
He seemed satisfied by that answer and looked past her, wistfully. She wanted to tell him that another major reason was that she was, on the day of her wedding, bowled over with the realization that the man she DID love was, well, him. Her best friend. Her partner. The man who she had wanted to believe was the biggest liar and no friend of hers. The man who, for the second time since she’d known him, had burst through her walls and defenses and touched her heart. The man she realized was the only person who had ever and would ever do that.
Looking at her, a look or realization or remembrance passed over his features.
“That sweatshirt,” he said, pointing to her sweatshirt.
“Oh, yeah, your mother lent it to me.” She noticed the strange, twisted look on his face. “I hope that’s okay,” she said.
He didn’t say anything. He picked his arm up and reached out to the front pocket. He slowly pulled something out of the pocket, his hand slightly trembling.
“Clark? What is it? What’s that?” Lois asked.
His eyes glazed over as he stared at what looked to her like a little blank piece of paper, he said softly, “a souvenir… from someone very special.”
**************
**************
When he’d been in that bright place with Jor-El, he had seen Lara in that photograph, which he had placed in the pocket of his sweatshirt before heading home. Just Lara. A picture from that moment when he’d seen her image.
The photo he looked at now, lying in the bed, with Lois stroking his hair soothingly, he saw that Lara’s downcast blue eyes were looking at a baby.
Him…
And Jor-El was behind his wife, also looking at him.
It was a family photo from before they had sent him away, it seemed. He only now could see himself and his father in the picture too.
He felt a strange feeling take over his mind and his body, looking at the photo. He had a hazy memory of the bright white place where he had waited after he’d died. Waited and told Jor-El about the wonders of his life on Earth. Waited to return to that life.
It felt like a dream, though. An intense and real dream. But a dream, nonetheless.
But this photo… it was real. It was something he would never be able to explain, and something that was so special he did not think he would ever want to try.
“Someone gave you a blank piece of paper?” Lois asked, breaking him from his thoughts.
He looked at her, noticing she had a skeptical look on her face. She touched his forehead. “Well, you feel warm, but not too bad. Definitely not feverish to the point of delusion.”
“It’s, uh, hard to explain, actually. I don’t see a blank… I mean, I see…”
He took a deep breath. He had no desire to sound sick and delusional right now. As it was, Lois was skittering around him nervously, trembling when she touched his face, and looking constantly near tears and worried.
“I’d just like to hold onto this. If you could put it somewhere…”
“Say no more,” Lois said, with humor in her tone. “My mom once had a pen that couldn’t write anymore; I think it ran out of ink; but she just could not bear to throw it away. I’m not sure why. It wasn’t a gift from anyone or anything like that. She just liked the pen. To her… it was… a special pen.”
He laughed softly. Oh, how he’d missed those classic Lois Lane rambles…
She took the photo and stood up. The moment she was out of his range of view, where he could not concentrate on her beauty and listen to her sweet voice, he felt weariness take over his body. It was in his muscles and his bones, and he still ached from head to toe, on top of that.
“Oh,” she said, sitting down beside him again. She touched his head again, nervously. “Are you okay? It’s just you don’t look so good. Should I call the hospital? Or drive you back there? Clark, if you’re not okay…”
“I am, Lois. I’m okay. Just tired,” he admitted, feeling those words very much.
“Are you sure? I just… I couldn’t take it if—“
“Nothing will happen to me, Lois. I promise.”
She touched his cheek again, as a tear slipped out of her eye. “Okay,” she whispered, before kissing his forehead gently.
She stood up and turned out the lights in the living room, getting the apartment ready for bed. He could hear her looking around for something… probably for a spare blanket to take to the couch. When she returned to the bedroom, she threw another blanket on him and turned off the light.
“Goodnight, Clark,” she said, her voice quivering. “If you need anything, I’ll be just—“
“Lois?”
“Yeah.”
“Would you… would you lie with me? Here? It’s okay if you don’t want to, I just…”
“I’d love to,” she said through a tear-dripped voice.
She climbed into the bed, not needing to be told twice.
Feeling her looking at him, once she was settled on her side, he looked at her and smiled. Their eyes had adjusted to the darkness and they could see one another. She smiled in return.
After a moment, he began to drift, letting the sleep that lurked just take him.
“Clark?” he heard some moments later, just a whisper in the night.
“Mm?” he said, dreamily, barely aware of anything; half-asleep.
“What you said before… I just want you to know… you’ll never lose me.”
He smiled wearily.
“Thank you,” he said, feeling her love and compassion fill his heart.
After that, he felt that she relaxed too, and they both went to sleep.
