Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic Comments: The Zipper

Laura already knows how much I liked this story, but since she's requested serious feedback, I'll start.

writing skills:
<<"You look beautiful," he said as he allowed his gaze to drift from her beautifully done up hair down>>
Watch for repetition; use it only for a specific effect - here 'beautiful' – so maybe 'You look amazing" or someting similar

characterization: cannnot see Lois spending two hours getting dressed for anything, not even her wedding. <g>

Now what I especially liked was the *sound* of the story - the 'zip', the repetition (!) of that sound. It seemed to signify the heightened sensual awareness that Clark would have in this situation and yet at the same time the pressure he likely feels to perform this task properly. The contrast of simple sentence fragments with the longer bits of Clark's introspection, and then with Lois's thoughts is quite effective, too, imo.

<<Zip. Unzip. Zip. Unzip. Zip. Unzip. Zip. Unzip. Zip. Unzip. Zip.>>
Love the sound! – can hear it echoing in the room. This line made the story for me.

Nice twist with the ending, too

So a nice, fluffy vignette and that's a compliment.

c (back to Kerth reading now)

The honeymoon's definitely not over in this little vignette, Laura. I love it. It's short but oh so sweet, and other than Carol's comment above about Lois taking two hours to get dressed, I thought this was wonderfully in character for a happily married Lois and Clark.

Very sensual, very cute and very tasteful. (As well as very well written!)

Irene

Laura, I agree with Carol and Irene - both that this is a lovely vignette, and also with the parts that Carol in particular highlighted.

If you'd like some constructive criticism, the only thing I'd direct you to is point of view. You have a tendency to 'head-hop' - now, some people don't mind that at all, but others prefer to choose one point of view and stick to it within a scene, only changing viewpoint character with a scene break. I tend to prefer strict point of view myself, but it is something on which opinions vary. As long as you know what you're doing - that where you change POVs you have a good reason for doing it (ie this part has to be from Clark's head and not Lois's) - then you should be fine.


Wendy

Hi Laura,

I'm not going to give you a detailed review, as I feel I'm not qualified.

However, I will say that I thought it was a lovely vignette and in character, except for Lois taking two hours to get ready, but otherwise sweet and funny.

I too loved how you used repetition with the 'zip/unzip'. And the punch line was so cute!


Yours Jenni

I agree with everything that was said above, Laura, so I won't repeat the niggles... only that I really, really enjoyed this vignette. It was lively and very, very well done. The "zip/unzip" line that Carol quoted was brilliant!

So in a nutshell, loved it!

Kaethel

As you know, Laura, I thought this little fic was hilarious. Funnily sweet, if such an adverb exists.

The zip unzip thing was adorable, and it's wonderful to see, as Irene says, that the honeymoon still isn't over.

Hazel

Hi Laura

Just like Jenni Debb I'm not going to give you a detailed review, as I feel I'm not qualified.

But I can say that I love your story, the zip/unzip thing was adorable, very sweet.

And I can say that I had no idea that they were married until the end, well done.

Karla

I love the humor in this. It has its own voice and is really wonderful.

This is my favorite:

As for your sliding POV, Yellow Dart, I'm generally a single POV purist, though, to be honest, I have no idea why. But for this story, I think what you did works especially well. The back and forth, zip and unzip, was heightened by the movement between Clark's thoughts and Lois's.

Loved that.

Also, I admire your short effective sentences, keeping the rhythm with the zip and unzipping.

So very well done. Was it Carol who said she liked the 'sound' of this piece? Ditto that.

Some of your best writing yet.

CC

A comment on the 'head-hopping' thing:

Most writing instructors, whether in class or in a book, will tell you it's a BIG no-no. The accepted method is to get into one character's head (assuming you get into anyone's head)for a scene and stay there to keep the reader focused. However, such rules can be bent or broken, and this short piece needs to switch POV because of the zip/unzip tension. Just as that flips back and forth, the POV can flip back and forth. It works well and helps to build the suspense. And I liked the ending, too.

Incidentally, I know why Lois took two hours to get ready. She knew they weren't really going anywhere and she wanted both an excuse to stay in and a way to increase Clark's nervous tension. Feminine wiles, indeed!

LOL, Terry. Never thought of it that way - POV indeed.

c

Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful comments and criticism! Believe me, I would much rather have these wonderful comments and criticisms than a grade from some anonymous judges!


Thanks, Carol! I do have a major problem with repetition. It is something I am consciously working on fixing, but I don't always catch it!

Good point! I hadn't thought about that before.

Thank you!!! It was exactly what I was trying to do here!

POV is something else I struggle with at times. Here I thought it was okay to "head hop" because I was only doing it split by the "zip"/"unzip" parts. Unless I am missing something. I do have other stories where I tried a strict POV (the Snow Series, Barbarians in the Rain come to mind). I would be very curious if those stories also have "head hopping" I'm not aware of. Repetition, POV and showing not telling are all very hard for me and I am really trying to fix them in my writing style!

Yeah, you got me :p

Thanks again, everyone, for your wonderful comments!!!!!

- Laura