from last time...
* * * * *
As I get ready to start yet another week of work with HIM, I am just sitting here, writing, alone... And I can't get it out of my head.
What, you ask?
His revelation?
No.
His speech about trust and about me KNOWING him so well?
No.
I guess I'm referring to the reason my lips are still tingling, my heart is still racing, my stomach is jumping, and my cheeks are still hot.
That kiss.
Ugh.
Well, goodnight.
* * * ** * * * * **
Dear Diary,
So I decided to check my email before heading to work. And all I have to say is:
My mother is crazy. I honestly believe this.
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Lane, Mom <Ih8samlane@freemail.com>
RECEIVED: Sunday, May 26, 4:17 PM
LOIS!
I'VE JUST GOTTEN E-MAIL! LUCY SET IT UP FOR ME. NOW WE CAN TALK MORE. I AM SO EXCITED! A LOT OF MY FRIENDS HAVE E-MAIL TOO. I WILL ASK THEM FOR THEIR E-MAIL #S AND WRITE THEM! LUCY IS RIGHT HERE. SHE SAYS HI. Oh, she told me not to write in capital letters because it would look like I am yelling. I'm not. Yelling, that is. Or writing in capital letters anymore, for that matter. Do capital letters really equal yelling? I thought exclamation points would do that. Hi Lois! HI LOIS. See? Anyway. So Lucy tells me that you broke up with the Clark Kent that you work with. Last month we had lunch and you two looked positively nauseating, which of course led me to call my wedding planner and put her on red alert. I know you don't talk to me about these things and that we don't talk very often, but I am concerned. He is very nice and would definitely give you good-looking children. Plus, he seems to genuinely love you, which let me tell you, doesn't happen everyday. Your father, before we got married, once told me that he would look at me and think I was DEFINITELY a suitable wife and would DEFINITELY do. He, back then, always said "definitely" when he wanted to really make a point. I thought this was romantic. But I was young and stupid (obviously). Not that I regret it. I mean I have my Lois and my Lucy because of my marriage. I wish, though, that I could have gotten you two without wasting so many years with HIM. But that's not the point, I guess. Oh, Lucy's making me a frozen margarita! How nice! But what I'm trying to say is Clark's more romantic than that. He'd never tell you you were suitable and would do. He seems like the mushy kind who'd actually say something like "I live to love you, my darling," or something. Am I right?
Love, Mom
PS- I heard from your Aunt Sissy, who I still talk to of course, that your father and his cyborg broke up. HA! Maybe she "crashed" in the middle of... well never mind. BYE!
_ _ _ _ _ _
It's only 7:01 AM on Monday. I have a feeling it's going to be a loooong week.
Dear Diary,
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!
Things have just gone from bad to worse in SO many ways!
It's Monday night now, and my mind is reeling and my thoughts and feelings are all a complete mess. I just want to jump to the awful second half of my day-- but I should go in order, right? I know, I know, every time I write in this, when my life is in shambles (again!), I remind myself about a hundred times to just write everything in order, so I can clear my head. But the reminders really do help!
Okay, so...
When I came in this morning, Clark was already here. Okay, I guess whenever he can make up for his disappearances or Superman-related tardiness, he does. I guess it is fair (as I've re-read what I wrote about this LAST Monday) that he shares a byline with me and gets paid to do this job, because his life is twice as hectic as everyone else's and he always does his share of work and never misses a deadline. Plus, he usually
brings back a Superman exclusive for us upon his return.
But anyway, I'm sidetracking.
So he was at work already when I got here.
When I got to my desk, I thought it was odd that he hadn't tried his daily apology/plea to "talk" yet. He usually corners me within our first five shared minutes in the news room.
I thought maybe he hadn't noticed me.
It didn't bother me. I swear it didn't. I didn't WANT him to talk to me, right? I was feeling overwhelming happiness that he had finally gotten the hint! At least I think that's what that feeling in the pit of my stomach was. (Can overwhelming happiness make you feel nauseous? Hmm...)
Anyway, I just sat at my desk and got right to work. Until about 12, when someone walked over to my desk and said:
"Miss Lane? This gentleman is here to see you, but he didn't have an appointment. He said he knew you."
I finished writing something and looked up.
"Dan!" I said, shocked. How had that Dan-guy from Friday night found me? I had no idea.
"Lois, I said I'd see you again sometime. I just decided to make sometime sooner, rather than later," Dan said, smiling.
The security guard that had escorted him to my desk walked away.
"Dan... How did you find me?" I asked, when he was gone.
"You mentioned you worked for the Daily Planet. I scoured Friday's paper in search of a 'Lois' that worked here and decided you were, in fact, THE Lois Lane. I don't know how I didn't put that together on Friday at the bar. But when I read some of your work, I could HEAR your voice in the words. I just knew," he finished, shrugging.
"Oh," I said, blushing. Not because he'd gone though all that to find me, but more because he'd mentioned that we were out together Friday kind of loudly. It definitely sounded like a date. Nothing happened, but that is definitely what it sounded like. And he said it loud enough for anyone who might be listening to hear.
Especially someone with super-hearing.
This shouldn't have bothered me. I mean, it's not like we are really still together anymore.
But I turned red all the same and found myself hoping he wasn't listening.
A quick look in his direction made me think he might have been listening. He wasn't typing, but was just kind of idly looking down at his desk.
"Anyway, I'm here to take you to lunch," he said, smiling.
He has a sort of nice smile, I guess. Not a thousand kilowatt, adorable boyish grin. Uh, but who has that? No one I know. Oh, I keep forgetting, this is just a diary. Clark does. Clark has a grin like that. But I'm mad at Clark, so moving on...
"You know, actually, I have a lunch appointment today," I said apologetically.
"No you don't," Jimmy said, walking over.
I looked at him like I wanted to kill him.
"I just put something in your calendar for you and saw that it's pretty open all day," Jimmy said, completely ignorantly.
Luckily he's like an annoying little brother, so I wouldn't actually ever kill him. I would just want to. Like at that moment.
"Well, there you have it. You're free," Dan said. "I know a great place," he said, and before I knew it, I had grabbed my purse and allowed him to lead me out of the newsroom. Before the elevator doors closed, I saw Clark sit back in his chair, still looking downward. And I won't even lie about it-- I felt bad. Really bad. For him. For perhaps the first time all week.
Lunch was enlightening at least, if not completely annoying. Dan and I, I quickly realized, didn't have all that much in common. His job remains to be my only interest. And the only thing he enlightened me on, work-wise, was that he was beginning to close in on some concrete evidence to link the current mayor with some sketchy going ons from last month. He said he MIGHT allow me to see his notes and clue me in when the big bust happens, so I could get the exclusive.
"But there'll be lots of people wanting that story, though. You'll have to be very persuasive to make me give it to YOU," he said coyly.
Can you believe the nerve of some people? He's definitely the type to call a woman suitable and tell them they'd definitely do as a wife.
But instead of rolling my eyes, I smiled flirtatiously. It was a story, after all. And news was slow. It had been slow for awhile. I remember, in that moment, wishing that news would just pick up already.
This was when things got really REALLY bad.
He leaned in to kiss me when I was looking at the table uncomfortably, like it was the most fascinating thing on earth. I nearly screamed when I realized his lips were on mine. I remember thinking it was absolutely awful! I pushed him away immediately...
"What was that!?" I asked.
"I'm sorry. I've just wanted to do that since I met you Friday," he said, not looking sorry at all.
"Well, you only met me FRIDAY," I pointed out, even though he had already pointed this out a second before. "It's a little fast for me, okay?"
"Okay. I'll try to control myself from now on," he said, winking at me.
I looked around, paranoid that Clark was standing in the doorway to the restaurant or at another table. He wasn't anywhere that I could see. But I still felt very paranoid and continued glancing around, even as Dan changed the subject and started babbling about everything under the sun. None of which was remotely fascinating enough to even hold my attention.
Something did grab my attention though. On the little television at the corner of the bar at the restaurant, I heard that special report news music and stood up and walked over.
"We interrupt this program to bring you an LNN Special Report. Two fires have simultaneously started in downtown Metropolis. One at a daycare center and the other at a nursing home. Superman put the fire at the daycare center out and everyone seems to be fine. One child is missing, and the police are looking into this now. Some residents and administration at The Sunny View Home for the Elderly have been rushed to the hospital, their injuries ranging from third degree burns to smoke inhalation. Superman arrived on the scene as soon as he left the daycare center, but not quickly enough to bring everyone to safety as he would have undoubtedly wanted. One patient has been declared dead at this time..."
I felt like something inside of me just froze. My heart was in my throat, and I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. Whatever else the newscaster said, I missed, as a loud silence rung in my head; I just stared at the television, my mouth gaping open. I could not believe what happened. That people had been killed. Sidled along those horrible feelings for those poor people, was a realization that this was the first time I was hearing about Clark doing something massive since I learned his secret; and I think I was understanding a part of his life that was bigger than what he could do. And that was what he couldn't do. And I suspected he blamed himself for those things, even though he had no control over them. And suddenly I wanted to cry. For those people... and for my best friend.
I ordered Dan to drive me back to the Planet, where I jumped in my car and drove to the scene of the fires. The daycare center and nursing home were about a block away from one another.
When I got to the site, it was awful. There was thick, acrid smoke in the air, and the area directly around the buildings was restricted. I could see, through the smoke, by the daycare center, a glimmer of red and blue and I ran toward it, holding my press badge up to the officers. They still didn't want to let me in, but I was very forceful.
"Superman," I said, when I was close to him.
He looked over at me, and I sucked in my breath. His face, his expression, his eyes... they looked...
Haunted.
He crossed his arms, and I could have sworn his hands were shaking. He walked over to me, but didn't say a word.
"Are you..."
I trailed off, his eyes scaring me. They looked hard and angry.
"I can't give a statement. I won't," he said, his eyes unblinking, looking at me, but not really seeing me.
"I don't want a statement," I said, appalled he would even think that.
"You shouldn't be here. The smoke," he said, looking briefly at the destruction around him as if removed from the situation. I knew, however, from the hardness of his features and the look in his eyes, that he was definitely not removed.
"Well, I'm staying," I said.
He sighed and walked a few steps away and came back with an oxygen mask for me to wear.
I knew I probably looked foolish, but the smoke WAS starting to get to me.
I pulled the mask aside to ask, "what happened?" I put the mask back on.
He shrugged, sadly. "I don't really know," he said.
I looked in his eyes. Closely. Intensely.
And then I saw it.
The blame. He was angry-- at himself. He was feeling responsible. I had suspected he might, but to see it tore at my heart.
I walked a few steps so I was right in front of him. I looked around and made sure no one was near us, and I pulled the mask aside again.
"Clark, nothing that happened here today is your fault, you know that, right?" I asked.
He looked down.
"You helped so many people today. You can't help everyone--"
He looked up at me and smiled a hard smile, which made me feel cold inside.
"Don't worry about me, Lois," he said. "I'm invulnerable, remember?"
And then he walked away.
If there's one thing I hate, it's to have my own words used against me. But he was hurting, and I was finally ready to let go of my own hurt and anger. And pride. Ready to realize what was more important.
And, the truth is, ever since that day that he told me the truth, I've regretted a few of the things I said to him-- namely that one thing, about him being invulnerable. I had basically told him that he had no right to FEEL. Anything. I've also, since that day implied he was like some robot. That because he couldn't be physically hurt, he was not a hero. And I was starting to suspect this was his worst fear. To be treated like that, I mean.
And to be treated like that by someone you love--
I shivered as I realized how much I've been hurting him. And I ached when I thought about how much he was hurting right now and how I couldn't even really be there for him.
He didn't come back to the office for the rest of the day. He was still helping out downtown, from what I could tell. Reports on the news were indicating that he was not talking to anyone about what happened. And why would he? What he must have seen... the horrors... he couldn't talk about it.
I covered for him with Perry, telling him that Clark was out at the scene of the fires, trying to find out what he could and talk to Superman.
We were able to find out that that missing child was found. He was fine. A little smoke inhalation, but he was fine. He had run out of the building and hid when the commotion started and no one had known where he was. Thank god he was not INSIDE. That’s all I have to say.
The whole newsroom was rattled by what had happened, and people began to gossip about theories. Terrorist attack... war threat... someone trying to send out a message, but what? No one knew. All anyone knew was the two huge fires started at EXACTLY the same time, down the street from one another. No one was thinking this some coincidence.
Definitely not me.
After I had written up the front page story about the fires, Perry told me to go home. And really, there was nothing else I could do at work for the day. But for some reason, going home did not seem appealing in the least bit.
That's where I am now--home. Writing about this awful day. Reliving it.
And let's see what has happened:
1. Clark finally stopped trying to get me to talk to him and I was not, as you might imagine, thrilled about it at all.
2. Dan took me to lunch, which was flaunted in front of Clark and the whole newsroom.
3. Dan KISSED me.
4. Said kiss forced me to realize something that I will reveal for the first time, even to myself, right here, in this list: there is only one man I want to kiss. Ever. And it's NOT Dan What's-his-name.
5. Two fires broke out at the same time and Superman/Clark couldn't save everyone and some people were hurt and some died, he feels responsible, and no one has any idea who did it.
6. Clark and I are still broken. Broken up, broken apart, suffering from broken hearts. Just... broken.
I'm feeling suddenly claustrophobic at home.
I think I'll go for a walk.
Dear Diary,
This has been a very confusing week, as you know. One thing is certain right now, though: when my heart is confused, my feet seem to take over, which was how I found myself on Clark's doorstep twenty minutes ago.
I had just been walking, wanting to get away from my apartment. On my walk, I realized how much I missed Clark. How much I wanted to be there for him. Now. Tomorrow. Forever. He's ALWAYS been there for me. He's always been a shoulder to lean on (or cry on), a friend to walk with and talk with and joke with and banter with and work with and share with, someone to watch a movie with, or share stories with (or novels... I haven't worked on my novel in about a week... he must be my muse or something, because I never seem to be able to work on it when things with us are bad)... I just, I miss him!
Today... I felt for him. I wanted to be there for him.
And the fires! They were just the topping on the cake-- all day, I've been feeling something... I guess after our confrontation at my apartment last night, I let go of part of that anger because I had let it out.
It didn't change the magnitude of what he told me last week.
His secret... it is major.
And I don't trust easily. I know that. Everyone knows that. Knowing CLARK lied to me... I can't just suck that up and move on, like nothing happened.
Right now, I want to be his friend, though. I'm willing to push aside my anger and hurt to be his friend. Plus... I miss his friendship.
I have this feeling deep down that I can't really interpret right now; I can't figure out WHAT it means. It could be the answer to whether or not I can trust him again and we can be together again. I don't know...
But for now, I have to be his friend. If he were beyond mad at me, and then realized that something happened and I really needed a friend, he would definitely push the anger aside to be there for me. I just know it.
Look at what happened after my almost-wedding to Lex! Clark and I were not even on speaking terms! I was mad at him; he was mad at me; we were so angry with each other. But when I turned around, he was there. Open arms. My best friend.
I looked up when I realized I was at Clark's apartment. I couldn't believe I had walked there. My thoughts had been in so many places, I wasn't even thinking about where I was walking.
But there I was.
At his door.
A door I knew I could just walk right through and he wouldn't care; a door for the past two months I really did walk through, without knocking. But tonight, I knocked.
After about ten minutes, I gave up. I have no idea if he was home and wanted to be left alone or if he was somewhere else.
But I walked back home with a sad, defeated feeling nonetheless.
You know, I used to pride myself as being a self-sufficient woman who knew what she wanted at all times and went after it with a clear mind. Now:
1. My mind is a train wreck.
2. I can't write MY novel whenever I fight with the man I love.
3. I have no idea what I want, and so therefore have no clue how to really go after it.
...Oh my god...
4. And I think my new best friend is my diary!
Goodnight-
Dear Diary,
Maybe it's my whole family. They're ALL nuts! Check out this email I got from my cousin Cindy:
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Swift, Cindy <cindyBFF@freemail.com>
RECEIVED: Tuesday, May 28, 8:21 AM
HI Lois! It's Cindy! Your cousin! Your mom told me that Lucy told her how to get email, and then she told me, and now I have it too! I don't know why anyone didn't tell me this before! We could have talked A LOT more! Your mom told me about you and your boyfriend calling it quits. How sad! I was hoping to be your maid of honor!! Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink! Hope everything's going swimmingly! Now that we're both single, maybe we can hit some singles bars together!
Ta ta for now!
:-D Cindy
_ _ _ _ _ _
As if that weren't enough, it seems Linda King had decided to get in touch with me now, as well.
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: King, Linda <linda.king@mdbs.com>
RECEIVED: Monday, May 28, 11:59 PM
Why hello Lois. I hope you're doing well! It's been so long since I last saw you! I am actually planning a trip to Metropolis this coming weekend! We'll just HAVE to get together! I swear, the trip has NOTHING to do with me finding out from a little bird that Clark Kent is single again! Oh, Lois, you never could keep a man longer than two months. Maybe when we get together, I'll give you some advice on how to better accomplish that.
Cheers,
Linda!
_ _ _ _ _ _
I hate my life. Linda's going to be in town in four days! The only thing that would REALLY top this horrible week off would be a large family reunion!
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Swift, Cindy <cindyBFF@freemail.com>
FROM: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
SENT: Tuesday, May 28, 8:45 AM
This email address is for work-related matters only and the intended recipient could not receive it. This email is from The Daily Planet's IT Team. Please refrain from emailing the intended recipient again, unless it is work-related.
NOTE: Your email address will be placed on red-alert.
Sincerely,
Daily Planet
Internet Technology Department
_ _ _ _ _ _
I know, I know. It's not the nicest thing to do. But you don't know this girl! She is very annoying!
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: King, Linda <linda.king@mdbs.com>
FROM: Lane, Lois <llan@dailyplanet.com>
SENT: Tuesday, May 28, 8:47 AM
This email address is for work-related matters only and the intended recipient could not receive it. This email is from The Daily Planet's IT Team. Please refrain from emailing the intended recipient again, unless it is work-related.
NOTE: Your email address will be placed on red-alert.
Sincerely,
Daily Planet
Internet Technology Department
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: King, Linda <linda.king@mdbs.com>
RECEIVED: Tuesday, May 28, 10:00 AM
Very clever, Lois. See you this weekend!
_ _ _ _ _ _
Some people!
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Swift, Cindy <CindyBFF@freemail.com>
RECEIVED: Tuesday, May 28, 10:02 AM
Dear the Daily Planet Internet Technology Department (IT Team),
I am so sorry for writing a non-work-related email to my cousin, Lois. I just haven't talked to her in awhile and her mom said it would be a good way to talk to her more. I am not familiar with the rules of email writing yet. I just got email yesterday.
Again, I apologize.
Does this mean I am on red alert and can't send emails to anyone? Even my cousin Lucy who does not work at the Daily Planet?
Please write back,
Cindy-
_ _ _ _ _ _
Okay, well I needed a good laugh.
Dear Diary,
I have a theory. About who started the fires, I mean. It's Friday now. As in one week and five days since I told Clark we're through.
Anyway, I have spent the last few days trying to crack this whole thing open. There have been strange things happening since the fire.
Tuesday, the day after the fire, the Metropolis Star's front page headline read: "SUPERMAN OR GOD?" and the article went on to talk about how Superman knew about both fires, but attended first to the daycare center, a decision which "killed" three people and left others very seriously injured. It told the stories of the people who had died. A young woman who worked on the staff at the nursing home among them. The article opened up with the line, from a family member of one of the victims, "I just kept wondering why Superman didn't save her; he was right there!" It went on to say that Superman picks and chooses who to save. The article theorized that he "balances life on some Kryptonian hierarchy".
It was positively nauseating.
My heart fell when I saw Clark's expression drop as he read the article, which was on his desk Tuesday morning. I didn't realize that Jimmy had put it there, wanting everyone to “see the trash being sold on the stands.”
That issue sold twice as much as our issue, which had the headline "TWIN INFERNOS LIGHT UP METROPOLIS: ARSON SUSPECTED". Apparently, people prefer to read garbage as opposed to real news.
If that wasn't bad enough, some Planet employees starting speculating about whether or not Superman does think some lives are more important than others. They were wondering if he made choices about who to save. Surely, they reasoned, he must-- and the amount of people and families that were devastated by his decisions was just an afterthought.
My suggestion that they all pack up and go work at the Star was met with snide comments about how I needn't worry; Superman would always choose me, even over a bus of little schoolchildren.
The whole conversation was completely asinine to me and it didn't even seem worth it to reason with these people, so I walked away.
But this has been the way most conversations in Metropolis have been going this week. People are completely buying into this propaganda. It probably just helps them to feel better about themselves-- and to feel like they are better than him.
I suggested to Perry that we write an editorial to argue it, but he said they were not slandering Superman. What they were printing was not even considered tabloid trash. I was appalled to hear this, of course, but understood a minute later when Perry explained that all they did was print facts and give a different angle about the what the facts meant than we did.
And people have always loved to have a scapegoat. For the first time since his arrival, it looked like Superman was fulfilling that role. Blame was being put on him and everyone was starting to believe it was true.
Especially Clark.
I've never seen someone walk around like they had the weight of the world on their shoulders more than him this week.
And why not? He does whatever he can and all people can seem to do is hold against him what he can't do.
And while the Daily Planet still prints stories that glorify him and emphasize how much he helped at those fires and the death rate had he not helped at all, people just prefer to read the other paper. The other headline. The horrible, horrible lies.
On Wednesday, something suspicious happened. At least I think it was suspicious. I don't think this, like the fires, is just a coincidence.
Two cars "lost control of their brakes at the same time" on different sides of the city, and were heading, (surprise!) for a cliff. It happened so quickly, that Superman was able to catch one car and save its inhabitants, while the other car plummeted, killing an old man.
The Metropolis Star (surprise!) had an edition out an hour later; they just happened to have reporters at both sites.
The story in their afternoon edition stated that Superman once again played God, and then told the sob story about this old man going to see his granddaughter’s recital. There were quotes from the teary nine-year-old (of course!) and a photo that was taken of Superman from who knows when, showing him shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. The photo was supposed to imply, I suppose, that Superman watched the car fall off the cliff and shrugged his shoulders in an “oh, well” manner.
I’m about ready to scream!
BUT… not until I prove that my theory is correct.
The theory? That The Metropolis Star is behind these “coincidences.”
Once, about two years ago, when Preston Carpenter was the head of their paper, similar things happened, in which the Star was able to scoop us repeatedly, selling many more papers than us as a result. It turned out then that they were staging those “accidents” so they could scoop us and get a few juicy headlines. But Carpenter went to jail and that was that.
And this feels different, somehow. Like there’s more to it.
Okay, I can barely write for all the noise that is outside right now. I have to see…
Be back.
Dear Diary,
Well.
The noise?
Yeah, it was from an Anti-Superman rally.
It looked like half the city gathered outside the Daily Planet to shout out horrible things, such as “go home, Superman!”
They were holding up signs, with his picture on them and a red line stricken through it.
I couldn’t believe it.
It was a Superman hate-rally.
That wasn’t the worst sight I saw outside, though. When I looked around the crowd, I noticed something on its outskirts that made my heart feel like it had shattered.
Clark.
He was standing there, listening to all those people talking about… HIM. Telling him to go home.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look I saw on his face.
I walked over and put a hand on his arm.
“Clark? Clark, don’t listen to this. These people do not know what they’re talking about,” I said.
He looked at me and smiled half-heartedly. “They do. They know what they’re talking about. Even YOU know what they’re talking about,” he said, resignedly.
“Well now I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about,” I said.
“Lois, you don’t want me around anymore. You don’t think of me as any kind of hero—just a liar with stupid powers I might as well use. Now apparently the world feels the same way. If I didn’t get the hint before…” he trailed off, staring at the angry crowd.
My mouth fell open a little. What was he saying?
“Clark… what—“
“As it was, Lois, without you, my will to stay in Metropolis—watch you date and have a normal life while I sit idly by thinking of something, ANYTHING, I could have done differently—was already starting to vanish. Now that everyone wants me to leave and thinks I am some kind of anti-hero, why should I stay? No one wants me around.”
“Where would you go? Superman AND Clark can’t just pick up and go somewhere else,” I said, making sure no one could hear us.
My gaze bore into his.
“Clark would go back to Smallville. Live with his parents. No one would know what ever became of him. He’ll have them and eventually be alone. And that will be his life. I thought at one point, Lois, that that would be my life. I’m not too proud for it now. And Superman… he’ll go to the opposite side of the world, or something, and see if they want his help there,” he said, shrugging.
Something inside of me starting physically hurting, and suddenly my throat felt like it was closing up, making it hard to breathe.
I couldn’t think.
I didn’t know what to say.
So I said something totally random.
“You talk about yourself in the third person,” I said.
“My mom complains about me doing that,” he said, looking beyond me at the protestors—people who once worshipped him who had suddenly just gone cold to him.
“Clark, you can’t just walk away,” I said, my eyes filling up with tears.
“Think of it, then, as me being more or less asked to leave. Kicked out. Refused,” he finished, looking down at me.
I swallowed hard and found that I didn’t want to look at him and see that pain in his eyes, but not able to look away.
“Clark, I don’t want you to leave,” I said, my voice shaking.
“You want me to stick around so you can ignore me and I can love you from ten feet away? For how long? Are you going to angrily request that I attend your next wedding as well?”
“Clark, stop,” I said, getting angry.
“Lois, you don’t trust me.”
“Because you lied—“
“—which I can’t undo. And I can’t make you trust me. You said we can’t have any kind of a relationship without trust.”
“I just need time to figure out what’s in my heart, and how I can learn to trust you again. If I can learn… but Clark, you’re still my friend. And I want to be here for—“
“Lois.”
I stopped.
I looked up at him.
“It’s not enough for ME,” he said.
And then he walked away.
Disappeared into the crowd.
And then all I could hear was the roar of “Go home, Superman!” and “You’re not welcome anymore!” echoing in the night.
Which was when I started crying.
Sitting at my desk now, I just WISH I could figure out what is going on in my heart, so I can stop hurting and stop Clark from hurting too. But Clark is right; I can’t trust him yet. And could we just be friends?
All I know for sure is that I do not want him to leave.
And I need a plan.
SO… I’m going to do something I really hate to do.
Call Linda King and arrange our dinner plans for this evening.
Is it possible to ALREADY have a headache from her voice?
Dear Diary,
Came home from dinner and checked my email. Let me ask you if you want to be me… even for a second.
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Lane, Mom <ih8samlane@freemail.com>
RECEIVED: Friday, May 31, 7:02 PM
LOIS YOU HAVE NOT WRITTEN ME BACK. AND CINDY SAID SHE RECEIVED A THREATENING E-MAIL FROM YOUR TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE. I WOULD HAVE THAT CHECKED OUT. WHAT IF I HAD AN emergency (sorry, I didn’t mean to “yell”) and I forgot your phone number and address and had to send you an urgent e-mail? How would I do that if your technology people are reading this. If technology people are reading this: listen, I think it is some kind of violation of first amendment rights to withhold mail from someone. The post office doesn’t open envelopes. You shouldn’t open my daughter’s e-mail. If this is in the hands of the technology department, you must also work at the Daily Planet. If so, I have to ask you, because my daughter would never tell me this: why did she and Clark break up?
Sincerely,
Ellen Lane.
_ _ _ _ _ _
That’s my mom. If she had an EMERGENCY and forgot my phone number and address… what a mom, by the way, forgetting those things… she would NEED to use this technology that she only learned about, what YESTERDAY?
And screening emails is now a violation of first amendment rights? Oh, she is too much. I think I enjoyed THAT more than Cindy’s email to the “IT Department.” It’s sort of fun playing with the minds of those in my family who are not very familiar with the Internet!
I have to call Lucy, as she has sent me this email:
_ _ _ _ _ _
TO: Lane, Lois <llane@dailyplanet.com>
FROM: Lane, Lucy <ilovelucy311@freemail.com>
RECEIVED: Friday, May 31, 9:10 PM
Lois,
You’re my new idol! That was classic, what you did with Cindy! And mom fell for it too! I wish I’d thought of it myself. I actually responded to Cindy. And now we’re getting together for a single girls’ night on the town. Gag me! She wanted me to extend an invitation to you and I am doing it here, since you don’t answer your phone. I figure if you wrote her that email, though, you probably will say no. I’ll just assume as much.
I’m actually writing because I’m worried about you, sis. Last time I saw you, I could practically see your heart breaking just by looking in your eyes. And when I saw Clark outside the Planet after lunch… well, I tried to be all tough sister about it, but I felt awful seeing him too!
You’re both so heartbroken, I am losing sleep! If ever two people deserved to be happy, it’s you two!
Please call me. I’m honestly worried. I need to know that you’re okay.
~Love, Luce
PS- What is up with those things in downtown Metropolis? The world, like, HATES Superman! Are they forgetting how many times he’s saved our planet? Honestly, it’s like yellow journalism and sensationalism all over again. I learned about this in a class last semester. People will believe ANYTHING.
PPS- CALL ME!!!!
_ _ _ _ _ _
Dear Diary,
I just got off the phone with Lucy. I assured her I was not about to drink poison or anything and was going to be okay. I told her that Clark and I are at least speaking (I decided not to mention that the last words he spoke to me indicated that he was planning on leaving forever, what with me and the world hating him and all) and she was elated.
She is assuming it’ll just take some time and we’ll be good as new.
It’s not THAT easy, but she’s my little sister. And it’s just sort of a habit to make her feel better. So I said that I agreed, and that was that. She was very happy.
Her email had intrigued me, so I quickly steered the conversation toward this yellow journalism thing she had mentioned.
That, combined with my enlightening dinner with Linda (cannot believe I just said that either) has at least given me a plan. And that is all I really wanted.
I actually have a lot to do, so I will write more later, once I have figured out what I’m doing.
* * ** * * * ** * * * **
