"Are you sure you want to talk about this," he asked her quietly, looking at her directly in the eye. "This might be upsetting."
"What isn't upsetting to me, these days... or any other day, for that matter. Please? It's my anniversary, and I still don't really know
what happened - how I got back, that sort of thing. Come on. Don't make me beg." She deliberately chose words that she knew would cut into his consciousness.
He listened in silence, and then after a momentary pause, nodded. "I never would do that. If you want me to tell you what I know... then I'll do that. Just... be a little warned, it might trigger some bad memories. Okay?" His expression was worried.
"Okay. Just one question first. Did.. did you have anything to do with my return?"
"No. I really thought you were dead. I - well, you must know that I looked for you- I’m sure your parents told you."
"Yeah - they told me right when I first came back. I can't lie to you - it did freak me out. I thought you were stalking me." She admitted this with a little embarrassment.
He nodded. "That's understandable. It must have been an extremely unsettling piece of knowledge."
She took in a deep breath. "Yeah."
"I remember Herb saying something cryptic about never saying 'impossible' - I forget exactly what he said... but it was in reference to finding you. I guess he took it to heart, decided he needed to be involved. Lois, I’m sorry. I just never thought you'd be in a different universe, and yet - given that the other Lois was forced into this once, it seems amazing it wouldn't have occurred to me."
"You don't owe me any apology, Clark. Really."
"I still feel like a dope. I do think it should have occurred to me. But, thank god, it occurred to Herb, and for that... I’ll never think ill of him again."
"You thought ill of him?"
"The day you came back, I was having a self-pity session... blaming Herb - and your doppelganger for the current state of my life, which on that day, was not satisfactory to me. I was angry and frustrated that I had to bear the burden of being the sole extraterrestrial on earth, when the other Clark at least had loved ones in his life. He has his parents, and... his wife."
Oh god. His wife. She restrained herself from reacting.
"Are you still angry at them?"
"No. And honestly, I used to get into these moods - but then I'd get out of them... mostly, I didn't mind how it all turned out, except.. well, I missed her."
Do you still miss her?
"So - then what happened?"
"Herb showed up - and told me that he had found you. At first, I thought you were her, and I was really mad at Clark for letting this happen to her - letting her get hurt. But then he told me who you were. Lois - it was just the most life-changing moment. One moment, I thought you were dead, and the next think I know - you were there - in living color. Obviously... a bit worse for the wear." He looked at her carefully. "Is it okay to talk about this still?"
"Yes," she said tightly. "Please."
"Okay.
"Well - I saw you - and you were ... beaten pretty badly. I got really upset about that, and Herb pretty much refused to talk about where you had been until I calmed down. So, I forced - uh - I mean - convinced myself to calm down a bit, and asked him to tell me what had happened." He looked intently at her briefly to see if she had been shaken by his use of the world 'force', and also, to communicate with her wordlessly how shocked he had been.
"Lois - my god... when he told me what had happened, I was... staggered. it seemed unreal, and completely impossible, and yet- it had happened. It never occurred to me that I could exist in other realities in such an altered way." He shook his head, still in defiance of that awful truth. "I wanted to go there, immediately, to fight him, to stop him from hurting anyone else... to avenge what he had done to you, I guess - but Herb absolutely refused. So unless I was willing to override his refusal, I had to accept that I could do nothing for that world. At least for the time being."
"You... you could have just ... disregarded him. Taken his dimension-machine and just gone ahead with your plan."
"Right. But then - wouldn't that make me a tyrant? Using my physical strength to get my way?" He saw her turn pale and shook his head ruefully. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Well - I asked the question," she reminded him patiently, with a brave small smile. "Yes. This stuff will upset me, but I want to hear it, nonetheless."
"Right. Okay - so then, we turned to talking about you - about how to best ... do what was right for you. We decided that you wouldn't want to see me - in the flesh - uh - in person... so -we came up with the idea that Herb would get a room at the MH, and that I would fly you there, unnoticed."
"You... you flew with me?"
"Yes. I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind - now, that is. I'm sure you'd have minded a lot back then. We didn't want to cause you additional misery by having you wake up in my apartment. You
- you had spent the last 3 years not having a voice - and we wanted to make up for that. In some small way.
She had flushed red a bit, at the thought of him holding her close, flying with her- especially given the flimsy garment she had worn. Such an intimate contact, and she couldn’t even remember it. It was a good thing she had been out cold,
or she would have probably had the panic attack to end all panic attacks.
"You're right." She said, becoming a bit choked up. "I didn't have a voice. MY needs - my wishes -non of it ever mattered. I didn't even have an identity. Just another slave." Her voice was bitter.
"I assure you - you have an identity. As far as I'm concerned, and as far as Perry and so many other people are concerned."
"All except Luthor - who, like Kal, just wants to own me." She shuddered.
"And that will NEVER happen," said Clark with steely determination.
She looked up at him, startled by his tone, but strangely, not frightened. "That's what enables me to sleep at night." And I'm telling the truth here.
"Good. Well - so that's it. You ended up at the hotel, and I left, and the rest you know."
"Right."
After a longer silent pause, he asked her tentatively what it had been like for her when she woke up and found out she was home.
"Were you happy?" He was hopeful
"Disbelieving at first, I think.. but then happy - more than happy - just elated beyond belief. I never thought I’d be home again. it... it was a
miracle. I was so grateful for what he had done... until he told me about...well - about you. And then, I’m afraid, I kind of verbally attacked him."
"He told me about it before leaving. He wasn't hurt, or angry - just sad, mostly - sad for what had been done to you, and sad that you felt that way. Hunted. In danger. From me."
She sighed wearily. "Yes. That’s a good way to describe how I felt. Hunted. It was awful - you know - believing that you were going to come for me." She looked at him ruefully. "I just couldn't believe that you could be so different from him."
"Totally understandable. I'd have felt the same."
"It took my breath away - when he said you were here. I just... fell apart."
She was lost for a few moments in the memory, and then, she tried to force herself into a brighter frame of mind.
"But that was then. We're past that. Now - I’m able to talk to you like this... I know I still act weird - like even today - it's just that sometimes when I see you - you look so much like him." Her eyes clouded bit, as she took in his black outfit. "It's downright scary, sometimes." She whispered tightly.
He looked down at his shirt, and back at her, dismay on his face.
"I don't want to make it harder for you than it already is. I should have gone home and changed - back when you first reacted. I can go now - I can come back if you want, or just go... whatever, it's your call."
"How about neither," she said briskly. "I have ... well - I have a third option. I have a daily planet sweatshirt you could wear - I admit, it would be easier to see you wearing that than it currently is. Kal would never wear a sweatshirt of all things."
"Lois - not to be ... difficult - but you're definitely a few sizes smaller than I am," he said, slightly embarrassed by the topic.
"Yes. I am - but they never order these things in women's sizes. It's always a choice between large and extra large - and that really bugs me. Why don't they get a wider assortment of sizes? Why are all the daily planet apparel items sized and styled for men? There are tons of women at the Planet so there's just no excuse. It's either huge sizes, or stuff that just looks awful, like polo shirts cut for men. I don't know any of the female staffers that actually ever wear this stuff!"
She stopped short, as she realized she'd been ranting. She also noticed that he was smiling at her ranting in genuine enjoyment.
"I guess it sounds pretty stupid." She was embarrassed. "I mean - after all I went through, and I’m complaining about this silly thing."
"No - in fact... isn't that a sign that you're healing a bit? Getting on with your life? Focusing on the smaller every day annoyances instead of on the big ordeal?"
"You sound like Lana," she chuckled, forgetting he didn't know.
"Yeah - I guess I probably do, but how would you know that? Have you two become friends?"
"I- well - I've been seeing her."
He was taken a back for a moment, and gave her an odd look.
"Not ... not that there's anything wrong with ... but... you’re seeing her? Dating her?"
She burst out laughing at that, and he felt surge of joy at the sound.
"Not dating! Sorry- I Guess it sounded like that. You know she's engaged, right?"
"Yes, and .... she's definitely not interested in women," he said, "Or at least.. not that I ever knew."
Lois flushed a bit, imagining that he would, of course, know Lana's sexual preferences rather well.
"Uh - and she's not exactly my type either."
Their eyes locked for a moment in mutual understanding. Am I your type?
"So, I guess you mean - as a psychologist, which is surprising, as she no longer does that kind of thing."
"She made an exception for me. It's more of a 'friends getting together, and one friend listening to the other go on and on' sort of thing. I - I hope you don't mind?"
"Well - even if I did, that would be none of my business, but I’m thrilled for you that you found someone you could talk to - I mean - really talk to - about your experiences. I hope this helps you... I don't know - find some peace."
"Sometimes it seems our sessions get me more unsettled, rather than anything else. But I think that's also a good thing. It churns up stuff that I need to work through. Lana's very good. I like her a lot."
I wish more than anything that I could help you work through these things. "Me too. I'm glad she didn't hold our broken engagement as a grudge. She's too good a friend to lose."
"Do you think her fiancé minds your friendship with her? I imagine most men would find you an intimidating ... predecessor." Oh. Now why did I say that? It sounds like I mean it sexually.
"Um- well - I don’t know about that... but we get along just fine."
"Good to hear."
There was an awkward pause, as the current topic of conversation had come to a natural end, and then she suddenly remarked out loud.
"The coffee! I forgot all about it. It's ready ...let me go get you coffee."
Uneasy about having her serve him, despite her earlier admonitions, he suggested she not worry about it.
"Clark, it's no problem. Really. It's already been made."
"How about I - " he stopped and smiled sheepishly at her. "Just sit here. Thanks."
She nodded emphatically. "Good. I'll be right back."
Moments later, she returned with two steaming cups, and cream and sugar.
"Here ya go."
"Thanks. I really appreciate it."
"It really was no problem," she said looking at him directly in the eye. "I was glad to do it."
"I'll be glad to drink it. Hey. It's really good you make great coffee!"
"It makes up, you know, for my lousy cooking."
"Oh come on - I find that hard to believe."
She smiled, "You'll have to judge for yourself sometime, but don't say I didn't warn you."
"Any time!"
Did I just suggest we make a date? Did he just accept? "You'd better up your insurance policy."
"Well, that's where invulnerability comes in handy."
"Ah yes. You're unkillable." The bantering ended as she had a sudden moments pause.
He saw the sudden change, and realized he had caused her pain.
"I did it again, didn't I?"
"No. No - you didn't. It's not your fault," she responded in agitation. "You - you just can't worry about it all the time. What you say, what you wear.... how you react- it's not your fault. It's not fair for you to have to constantly worry about what you said, what you did... it has to be crazy for you, worrying so much."
"You're worth it, you know. Someone should care about what you think, and what you need - I mean - after all you've been through."
"But you can take it too far. You - you won't want to spend any time in my company if you have to keep this up much longer. And... I ... I enjoy spending time with you," she blurted out quickly, before she lost her nerve.
She was rewarded with a smile - a big and glorious one. "Likewise."
"I ... I dated a guy who constantly tried to change who I was. What I wore, how I reacted, what I said, what I wrote.. in the end, I realized that I could never be who he wanted, and I didn't even want to be who he wanted. I seem to attract the psycho control freaks, don't I. This guy, Luthor - and let's not forget Kal."
I'm not a control freak. "Lois - the guy was an idiot if he felt you needed to change. His loss."
She flushed in embarrassment at the compliment, and sat, silently, unable to think of anything to say to break the tension.
"Well - I should go," he said, unwilling to leave, but feeling like they both needed some time apart to process this time together.
Don't go. "Yes - I’m sure you've got a lot to do. Come to think of it, I do too."
"Okay. Well - thanks for calling. I - I missed you, Lois... and I’m really glad you called."
"I... I missed you too. Maybe we can ... do this again sometime?"
His heart was doing cartwheels. "Anytime, Lois. Any time at all!"
[tbc]
