TO WAKE FROM DREAMS
PART 8
“Lois?” he said, walking over to her.
She turned quickly, her breath catching, and he once again chastised himself for sneaking up on her. He’d made her think he was back… that Clark was back. For an infinitesimal moment, she had hope in her eyes again. But as soon as her eyes rested on the superhero in the suit, that look went away. As if it had never been there to begin with.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It was Superman. Of course it was Superman. Who else would it be, calling her name? Who else could it have been?
But for one wonderful breath, someone else had called her name. He’d come back to her and her world had once again had color. The colors were bright and beautiful. But once she saw the red and the blue and the yellow, everything went once again to the gray that had become her existence.
She bowed her head and regained her composure. She looked back up.
“Hi, Superman,” she said.
She realized she hadn’t seen him since that night. She couldn’t even really recall what had happened the last time she’d seen him. It was all a blur and she preferred not to remember anyway.
“How are you?” he asked, carefully.
“I’ve been better,” she said, her tone sharp as a knife, her emotions coming through, even though she told herself to keep them intact. She knew, the moment she’d spoken, why she hadn’t wanted to see anyone for so long.
Talking hurt. Thinking about anything hurt.
Alone she had the power to control her emotions, at least most of the time.
Maybe it had been a mistake to agree to meet up with Perry today. And of course, going to see him in the middle of the city meant she’d probably see Superman too. She hadn’t thought of that. She might not have ventured out of her safe place had she thought of it.
She felt sad, seeing him just now. He still looked handsome, of course. Although he did seem a little wan and haggard. He probably felt guilty over Clark’s death, too, she mused. They had, after all, been good friends. If she felt guilt, then he most certainly shouldered some of that as well.
The reason, however, she felt sad seeing him, was because she could look at him now – now that everything was all messed up – and see that he wasn’t real. He was a superhero. In red and yellow and blue. An ‘S’ on his chest. Standing for truth, justice and the American way. Here to make a difference. And he certainly had! And she loved him. She had always loved him. But she now knew that he was not very real. She didn’t know him well enough for him to be real or three-dimensional. Her love was real because he was her friend… but not her best friend. She didn’t know him that well. Not as well as…
It didn’t matter, though. That was what saddened her the most. The realization. She had ignored Clark for so long because of him. And how blind she’d been! She knew now. She knew now how blind she’d been. She had kept Clark at arms’ length because she had thought herself in love with someone whose name she didn’t even know.
He was handsome and dazzling and when he was in action, saving the day, you could almost forget everything else. Including that nagging voice in the back of your mind that told you over and over to just *look* at that partner, that best friend, of yours and see. See what was really there. What it meant. Really see him.
She knew now. She knew all too well now.
And it made her sick.
“Lois, are you okay?”
She looked up at him.
“I’m sorry. I just… I was thinking about… Clark,” she said, her voice dropping to a barely audible pitch at the name. She hadn’t said the name in so long. In her mind, she said it constantly. But out loud, she never dared. She bit her bottom lip and begged the tears to just go away. She couldn’t cry in front of Superman. Not again.
“I see,” he said, sounding distracted.
Had he, she wondered, been upset she was still thinking about Clark? It seemed that way. But didn’t he know Clark had been her very best friend? The only person she had ever and could ever work with? Hadn’t he known the depth of their relationship? Did he expect her to look at him and be swept away and dazzled like she’d been before? Didn’t he realize that everything had changed one fateful night long ago? Changed forever…
“I think about him all the time,” she said, assuring him of her thoughts, in case he was being as callous or self-centered as she was accusing him of being in her mind. “God, everything is such a mess,” she said, harshly wiping at a tear that had dared to fall, despite her best efforts to keep it in the wells in her eyes. “And I know it’ll never be good again. Any good that was in this world… is gone,” she said, her voice sounding cold, even to her own ears.
She immediately started to realize that she should not have chosen this day to come out of hiding and face the world. She clearly was not ready.
“Lois, that’s not true. There’s still good in the world. Just… look at you. You’re forever good,” he said, kind of wistfully. He looked at her again, a determined expression on his handsome face. “He didn’t take it with him,” he said, like he was reasoning with a child.
He still looked upset. Distracted.
She laughed a humorless laugh. “Look around, Superman. He took it with him. There’s no good in the world. There is certainly no good in my world. If I ever wanted to see it, all I had to do was look right next to me. There it was. There he was. And now… he’s gone. Just… like… that. In one lousy second,” she added, her voice growing angrier.
“Lois, have you thought about… talking to someone about this?” he asked.
“I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” she asked, coolly.
He lowered his eyes and sighed. For a moment, she even felt bad. He was just trying to help. Trying to help… so she could go back to the way she was.
Healthy Lois.
Healthy Lois fawned all over him. Healthy Lois never thought of another man over him.
He clearly needed *that* woman back.
She shook her head. “No!” she said to herself. Superman was not like that. He was just concerned. He was her friend.
Everything was such a mess, she didn’t know what to think.
“Look, I’m sorry, Superman. I’m not myself. And I don’t think I should talk to you anymore right now. I’m taking my anger out on you and that’s not right. I shouldn’t. I’m just… I’m upset. I’m angry. Please, just… go away.”
It wasn’t his fault that she had ignored Clark for so long because of her infatuation with him. It wasn’t his fault that Clark had died without ever knowing she’d loved him. Been in love with him. It wasn’t Superman’s fault. She knew that. Clark had been the most amazing person to ever come into her life. She’d known it, but hadn’t acknowledged it to herself, let alone to him. She hadn’t told him. And he’d died. She shouldn’t take *that* out on Superman.
“Lois, I really hate seeing you like this. You…” he started, but then stopped. He took a deep breath. “You have everything. You have Perry and Jimmy and Lucy. Friends. Family. You have a great job. A dream job, really. And you are amazing at it. You have *everything*,” he repeated. “Don’t get lost in all of this and forget that. Please,” he said.
She could see in his eyes… his familiar eyes … that he meant that.
She smiled in appreciation, a sad, sympathetic smile. “Thanks, Superman.”
She turned and continued on her walk to the restaurant to meet Perry. His words rung in her ears. And she heard them. She did. But hearing them only brought one fact to the forefront of her mind.
She had nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
He hadn't expected to see her like that. Like... like nothing had changed since that night. Like it might never change.
It was not that he thought she would be running around giddily, happily getting on with her life. But he had expected to see her looking… healed. Or in the process, anyway. Moving on. Getting there.
But what he had seen was a pale imitation of the vibrant woman who had stormed into his life ages ago – when he’d sat in an office, a small town boy in a big city, riding solely on hopes and dreams. That woman had glowed, as if from the inside out. Her work ignited her. And that fire was in her heart. Her soul. Her eyes.
Lois.
She was so alive and vibrant. Such a presence that one could not do anything but notice it and fixate on it and want to be near it just to experience something of its kind.
Today, however…
He shook his head and kicked some hay off of the second story of the barn. He sighed.
She’d looked invisible.
Not to him, of course.
Oh, she still had the power to captivate him just by looking at him. He, Superman, was rendered speechless, tongue-tied… and completely vulnerable at the mere sight of her.
No, she hadn’t looked invisible to him. But she’d looked like she wanted to be invisible to the world. And the worst part was - it seemed to be working. Her energetic aura, her vibrancy, her light… it all seemed to be missing.
He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to finally *do* something about this mess his lie had caused.
That was how he found himself at the barn outside the house he grew up in.
When he’d arrived back in Smallville, it had looked so comfortingly the same as when he left it… and the same as when he was a boy. His farmhouse in Smallville never changed, and that always made everything seem simpler, somehow. Especially at a time like this when everything else he knew had changed and had become so complicated.
He wanted to sit in the barn, as he had done as a boy when he needed to think or when he felt a bit alone. He needed to collect his thoughts before he went to them.
When he walked into the house, many minutes later, they were sitting in the kitchen. In a heartbeat, they’d pulled him into a hug… and he nearly collapsed with the relief one feels when he’s been lost and gone and finally comes home.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“I guess I was running.”
“We know you were running,” Martha said, waving a hand nonchalantly, as if she had just declared it was raining outside. “We’re just glad you’re home now. We don’t expect or want any apologies. Not now.”
“Okay. But I am sorry,” Clark said, looking down at his hands, which rested on the kitchen table by a now-empty glass of buttermilk. “It’s just… my lie has always been there for the three of us. We have it. We protect it. Simple. We know we have to do that. It’s never harmed anyone before. Sure, sometimes we all hate lying. Me especially, because *I* have to live that lie. But what kept it going was that it really was in everyone’s best interest and it *never* hurt anyone. This was the first time my lie hurt people. The people I love. All of them. Everyone in the world that is precious to me was tormented by what happened. I never thought that I would hurt you two, or Perry and Jimmy… or Lois. Never in a million years. But you both were rattled and changed by this. You were so clearly upset. And you two were the lucky ones! Their eyes. Her eyes… the pain I caused,” he trailed off.
“Clark, we understand that,” Jonathan said. “But you didn’t hurt anyone. Everyone just loves you.”
“I think we can all agree that if we could find some way to get you back, life would be a lot better all around,” Martha joked.
“I’ll figure something out, Mom. There’s something I have to do, first,” he said.
“Does it involve Lois?” Martha asked, coyly, looking at Jonathan.
“I should have told her that night. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Isn’t that what you’ve always said?” he asked his parents.
“Yes,” Jonathan said.
“I’ve put this off for too long. I think it is high time she knew the truth.”
Martha let out a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. Finally. They could start to fix their shattered lives.
Both of them.
All of them.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“This was nice, Perry,” Lois said, looking down at her empty plate.
She hadn’t eaten such a meal in a long time.
“You really enjoyed it, honey? Because you look kind of… pale,” Perry said, carefully.
“I loved it, I promise. I’ve just been holed up somewhere with a lot of expired food. It’s been making me sick lately, to tell you the truth. I needed this. To get out. To eat real, *good* food. To see you…” she said, lowering her lids and blushing. “I’m sorry it took me so long, Perry,” she finally said.
“Honey, you think I came here for an apology? I understand. Clark was… your partner. And your best friend…”
She inhaled slowly and then exhaled equally slowly. A deep and long, controlled breath. To hear him talked about in the past tense – it took all of her effort not to break down right there. She fought the feeling for the thousandth time since she’d met up with Perry, and finally looked up at him.
“You sure you don’t want to come back, Lois? I understand that you couldn’t be there after… well, after everything. I understand you needed to sort it all out. But it's been over a month since it happened. And of course your job is still waiting for you for whenever you want to come back,” he said.
“I miss it. I miss being there and working. Digging and searching. Writing. Seeing our… uh, my… byline,” she said, her voice catching at her slip. “I do miss it, Perry.”
“I know it’ll be hard now. But I do think it would – “
“I can’t – “ she said, her eyes conveying her pain at the very idea of working without him. “Yet,” she corrected, more softly, realizing how she had sounded. “I just… can’t be there and see someone else at his desk and – “
“ – so we’ll change the layout of the desks. You’ll never know which one was his – “
“ – and work without him. Investigate without him. Write without him. I can’t be without him… not there,” she said, her voice an emotional whisper.
“Then where?” Perry asked after a long moment.
“I don’t know,” she cried. “There are lots of other papers,” she said quietly, not looking at him anymore. Tears filled her eyes as everything came crashing to the surface. The thought of working anywhere but the Planet made her feel physically sick. But the thought of working there without Clark made her feel worse.
“Lois…”
She stood up and ran into the restaurant. Past all the waiters and the confused glances from happy customers. Into the bathroom.
Her emotions had surfaced… and had made her sick. Actually, physically sick.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Perry stood outside the restroom, waiting for Lois. He had known she was going to be sick. She’d looked almost green all throughout the meal.
He was happy to see her, but worried all the same.
She didn’t look right.
And he knew it was more than her nerves that had made her sick just now.
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