TO WAKE FROM DREAMS
PART 12
“Lois…” Clark said, softly, finally breaking the sweet silence. “I know this may not be the best time to ask this, but… I’m just curious. How did you find out about me?”
“Oh,” she said, pulling back to look at him. The rest of her day suddenly caught back up with her. She remembered that important detail from a few hours ago, which she had then thought another nightmare.
Clark being dead had been a nightmare. But this was not. In fact, it was not a nightmare, she realized, at all.
“Well, on the topic of revelations, we have a few other things to discuss.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Wiping tears from her eyes, Clark couldn’t help but smile. Her eyes – which had seemed so tormented just hours earlier – seemed hopeful again. And Clark knew – this was meant to be. Lois was always meant to share this with him. He was always meant to tell her. Oh, he’d known that all along.
But now that she was there, in his arms, embracing him, and she’d *known*, he felt free to be himself. Confident. Uninhibited.
Loved.
“What other things?” he asked, only being able to focus on the amazing woman in front of him. Losing all coherent thoughts.
“Well, um…I don’t know. Were you here, say, one month and one week ago?” she asked quickly. Almost nervously.
His smile faded as he remembered.
She knew. She knew and if she wasn’t so relieved to see him just now, she’d hate him for that too. Or maybe she already hated him for it.
Not for his lie, because, like she had said, within that lie was her second chance. And she had been happy to know he had never died, of course.
But *this*!
She probably realized what had happened and thought him some monster. Some sexual predator. Who would take advantage of his best friend…
“Clark?” she asked, sounding even more nervous than she had before.
“Yes, Lois. I was,” he said, lowering his eyes.
He looked up and hoped he wouldn’t see hate in her beautiful eyes. Hate for him.
He let out a breath when he saw them. He didn’t see hate at all.
But… confusion. And possibly nervousness.
He just had to tell her everything. Everything he knew about that night. And he knew, somehow, looking into those eyes, that she would believe him. She would believe the truth.
“I didn’t know you were there,” he started, his voice soft. “I, uh… I came here because I missed this place. I missed my life. I missed living in Metropolis. I came here to feel something of what I felt I was missing. It didn’t help of course. Because you weren’t here. Well, I didn’t think you were, anyway. And it was you that I missed the most,” he said.
She sat there silently, her hand resting on his shoulder, looking at him. Waiting for him to continue whenever he was ready to.
“I should have known you were here. I can usually pick up your heartbeat anywhere. I always know where you are. How far away you are from me. I used to know when you were about to get off the elevator at work. Or when you would come up behind me at my desk. I know that heartbeat…”
He took a deep breath. “I remember hearing it that night, when I was falling asleep. It was like a beautiful rhythm that just relaxed me. Made everything seem okay. I didn’t realize what it was… I just… I guess, I wasn’t thinking.”
“You wouldn’t have expected me to be at your place,” she offered.
“But Lois, I’m Superman. I should have known you were here. I should have seen you, if I wasn’t picking up on your heartbeat. Which I should have,” he added under his breath. “I guess… I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept much the week before. But – there – that is not an excuse either! I don’t need that much sleep. I shouldn’t have just gone to bed like that, without turning on a light or looking around. Without wondering what that… *beautiful* rhythm was. On some level, I must have known. But…” He sighed. “I don’t know. I am so sorry.”
She nodded and looked at him sympathetically. “Clark. You were tired. Even *you* are allowed to surrender to exhaustion. Especially if you hadn’t been sleeping in the week leading up to that night. And something tells me that if you were that tired, that you weren’t. Sleeping, I mean. And again – you would not have expected *me* to be here. You had no idea.”
“I should have woken up when…” he trailed off, breaking eye-contact.
How should he broach this subject? What if she didn’t know all of what had transpired between them that night?
“You know, then?” she asked. And he could hear the anxiety in her voice.
He decided to start at the beginning. To tell her how he had come to realize what had happened.
“I had thought it was just a – “
“ – dream?” she finished, with him. “Me too.”
He sighed. “Lois, I am so sorry. I never should have… it shouldn’t have…I should have…”
He groaned. He had no idea what to say. He would never be able to apologize enough for this. This was unforgivable. He had taken advantage of her! Even if he hadn’t been aware of what he was doing. He couldn’t forgive himself. How could he expect her to understand… and to forgive him?
“I thought I was dreaming,” he said, staring down, his cheeks burning with shame and guilt. And embarrassment, as he barreled on. “It wouldn’t have been the first time I had dreamed about you Lois. About something… kind of… *like* that, I mean. I am sure you know that I am in love with you. I always have been,” he said.
He looked up when he heard an intake of breath come from her.
“You love me? As… as more than a friend?” she asked.
“Of course I do.”
“But that day… outside the Planet…”
“I was just trying to shift things so they could be like they were before. I knew you didn’t feel the same way I did and I – “
“ – I had felt the same way,” she cut in.
And then she looked down, as if realizing she had said that out loud, and hadn’t exactly meant to.
“What?” he asked, slowly moving to take her hands in his.
“Clark. If you had just let me talk first…” she said, her attempt at humor to ease the tension in the room.
“… you can talk first from here on in,” he said, feeling something soaring inside of him. She loved him! She had loved him for a long time. He couldn’t believe it. He… *really* could not believe it.
“You love… *me*?” he asked, a little doubt in his voice. Or… uncertainty. Insecurity. Self-deprecation. From years of assuming – and fearing – that he would always be alone. That Lois would never feel that way about him.
“Yeah,” she said, still looking down. “I didn’t get married because of you,” she said.
Her head was still bent, but he could see a tear slip down her cheek. He gently placed a finger beneath her chin and lifted her head slowly, so she was looking at him.
“I knew all that time and I never got up the courage to tell you,” she cried. “And you had died…” she stopped herself, and breathed deeply a few times. “…without ever knowing,” she finished, her eyes conveying the torture of this one major demon, in case he couldn’t hear the pain in her tone and in her words.
But he could hear it. And he could see it.
“Oh, Lois,” he said, pulling her into another hug. Placing her head on his shoulder, rubbing her back. “What you’ve been going through because I was too weak and too upset to do what was right, what I should have done without a question. I was just so wrapped up in self-pity. Lois, can you ever forgive me?”
“Surprisingly, I can,” she said genuinely. “If you can forgive me for pushing you away. And for being so blind. Thinking I loved Superman. All the while ignoring you!”
“I understood,” he said.
She looked up. “Then you’re too understanding. I was stupid, Clark. Some instinct told me long ago that there was something about *you* that I wasn’t letting myself see. And I ignored it. I waited a little too long. And then you were gone.”
“But I’m back now. And you’ve told me. Second chances, remember?”
She smiled. “Yes.” She looked at him for a moment, like she was studying him. Thinking about something. “You know, I only loved him because he was you. I just never understood it.”
He let out a small breath and felt something in his heart constricting. He wanted to lean down and kiss her… but he didn’t want to take advantage of the moment either. She was incredibly vulnerable right now. They both were. And they had so much to talk about yet. He didn’t know how she felt about being in a relationship with him. He didn’t know how she felt about any of this, really.
So he just fought the urge and smiled genuinely.
She wiped her eyes and collected herself. After a moment, she said, “now, before we started getting into the mushy stuff, I believe we were talking about a certain night a few weeks ago…”
She blushed as soon as the words were out of her mouth.
He did too.
They may have admitted they had been in love with each other all along. She may have been sitting on his lap. They may have both been fully aware that they had shared something intimate and special with one another. Made love. But that did not change the fact that they were discussing it all. And it was new to them. While it needed to be said, it was unfamiliar and deeply personal, all the same.
“Well,” he started again. “I had thought it was a dream. And that made sense to me. I missed you. And I was in love with you. I thought we could never be together, after what had happened. I thought we would never… make love. It seemed like something I might dream about…” he said. He looked at her. “But the dream never went away. I thought of it more and more as time went on. And I could recall more than I had ever recalled in dreams before. I could recall how I felt. How I felt each step of the way. How you felt,” he continued, his voice deeper now. And more emotional. “I could feel your lips on mine,” he said.
“And you knew then that it had to have happened?” she asked, hurriedly, embarrassed. “In reality?”
“No. It, uh… it wasn’t until today, actually. I came here earlier today. I could tell immediately that you’d been living here. And I went into the bedroom and laid down for a moment. Your scent on the pillow… and all around. I don’t know. It just came to me. I knew. It hadn’t been a dream. I knew you had obviously been living here the night I had come. And we had…”
“Yeah,” she said, quietly, looking down.
Seeing her look down, a serious expression painted on her face – a look of shame or remorse… or disgust, he wasn’t sure – brought all of his feelings of disgust with himself rushing to the surface.
“I don’t know how I could possibly have not woken up at some point. Even if I *had* woken up and thought I was dreaming… why didn’t I know in the morning? It was still kind of dark when I left, because it was early. But still… I didn’t even look around. I should have looked around. If I was too tired for my senses to pick you up the night before, they should have picked you up in the morning. I should have known you were there. I should have known what I’d done. Lois,” he stopped. He looked her in the eye. “I feel like I took advantage of you. I might not have been in full control, but I should have been,” he said intently.
He looked at his hands, feelings of guilt taking the place of the wonderful feelings he’d experienced only moments ago when she told him she had loved him for a long time.
“What about me?” she asked.
He looked up, startled by the force in her voice.
“I was there too, you know. I thought it was a dream. Clark – the man I loved and lost – was there. So I thought I was dreaming. But… you were there. That’s all I knew. And I needed to… take advantage of the fact that you were there with me again,” she said. She bit her lip self-consciously. “All I knew was that if I was dreaming, it was wonderful because you were there and you were alive. I could tell you what I’d never told you. I initiated much of it. That much I can definitely remember,” she said, blushing more than she had before. “I *wanted* to… to make love to you,” she said, her voice quieter. Deeper. “I wanted to show you I loved you. And to tell you *finally* what I should have told you long ago. I *needed* to hold you. And feel you,” she said. “To prove you were real.” She looked at him, her eyes seeming to search his. “That is what I remember.”
“But it wasn’t fair, Lois. If you’d known about me; if I had just *told* you – ”
“ – I wouldn’t have been at your place and this wouldn’t have happened,” she added. “Sure. I know that,” she said, shrugging. “And I know you should have told me the truth the night you were killed. And I do actually even understand why you thought it a lost cause,” she finished. “I understand all of this, Clark.”
“I am just so sorry, Lois.”
“I’m… not,” she said, an expression on her face that he didn’t quite recognize. It looked a little embarrassed. And a little shy. And somewhat liberated. “Aside from feeling like you took advantage of me, or failed to do what you think you should have done… why are you sorry?” she asked. Not accusingly. Just wonderingly.
He drew a blank. The experience had been beautiful. Every moment. He was not sorry for that. His silence conveyed his thoughts.
“Clark… when I thought that was a dream, I thought it was a beautiful dream. It was perfect. It stopped the nightmares I had been having every night before that. And every night after, I didn’t have them either. And the whole experience… well… I remember that it was wonderful. Did you, um, feel that way? At all?” she asked.
Looking at her, he was appalled to see that she had no idea. No idea how he felt about that night. About being with her.
“Lois… believe me. It was perfect. I couldn’t have… nothing has ever…” he trailed off. “It was beautiful,” he finally said.
“Think about it, Clark. Neither of us knew the other one was there. Some instinct – some feeling deep down – moved us together. We were driven by that instinct, by – “
“ – love,” he said, quietly.
“Exactly,” she said, her voice soft and sweet.
He released a long breath. “Oh, Lois,” he whispered, pulling her to him, holding her like he never wanted to let go.
He felt her tense, after a moment, and pulled back to look at her.
“What’s wrong?”
“Well, there is one more thing,” she said.
“What’s that?”
“How *I* figured out that the dream was not a dream after all.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She couldn’t believe it. He loved her. After everything – after the way she had chosen Superman – and even Lex – over him and pushed him away – and even after what he had told her outside of the Planet so many months ago – he loved her. Had always loved her.
And he’d thought that night some dream because of that love for her. He’d thought of it as a dream like others he’d had. Oh, she just burned deep down, thinking about that. He’d said, in so many words, that he had thought of her that way before. Hoped for things to head in that direction. Dreamed about her in exactly that capacity.
It didn’t frighten her. She would have thought that it would. But it excited her instead. It intensified her already overwhelming feelings for him.
She wasn’t sure how he would handle the news that that night had not been and gone that simply… that it had resulted in something big. Colossal, actually, considering what she now knew about him. About who he really was.
“Lois?” he asked.
She took a deep breath and steadied herself. She just had to do it. She just had to tell him.
“Lois? You were going to tell me how you knew the dream hadn’t been a dream,” he said, softly. “Are you okay?”
She could hear the concern in his voice. The love. And that gave her the strength to finally tell him everything.
“You asked me how I knew about you,” she said. “About you being Superman. I never really answered you. But the way I figured that out has to do with the way I figured out that the dream was not a dream.” She stopped and laughed, looking down. “God, this shouldn’t be that hard. I mean, I just had the most personal conversation of my life with you. This should not be hard to say. I guess… I guess I’m still coming to terms with it myself,” she finished.
He placed a hand on her arm, rubbing her gently, letting her know he was close by. He was there. But not saying a word.
“I went to the doctor’s today. Perry made me go because he thought I was sick,” she started.
“Oh god,” he said, fear in his voice.
She looked up and saw the terror on his face. Oh no. He knew and he… was horrified at the concept. Maybe he never wanted to have a family, she thought. Or maybe he just didn’t want a family with her. He did say he loved her, though, she mused.
His voice broke through her thoughts, and only after he’d spoken the words did she realize how horrible he looked. How he was torturing himself.
“I hurt you?”
His voice cracked. His fear and remorse were visible – and without thinking about it, she grabbed his hand.
“No. No, Clark. You didn’t hurt me.”
He released a long sigh of relief. “Are you sure? You’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” she assured him.
After a few moments, and seeming to feel that she was being honest, he asked, “why did you go to a doctor? Are you sick?”
He still seemed nervous.
“When I left the doctor’s,” she started, taking a circuitous route to her revelation, since that was easier, “I went home and thought about that dream night. I thought, somehow it must have happened. It must have *really* happened. But for that to have happened, you would have to be alive. And when I thought hard enough, I figured out why you were alive. Your big secret. It all came together. And then I knew that the doctor hadn’t been a complete kook, like I’d thought. I knew she’d been right.”
“Right about what?” he asked.
She took a deep breath.
“About me being pregnant.”
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