MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING
PART 3
Clark was silent the whole ride back. Occasionally Rachel said something about the bar or about something she had seen while waiting for a taxi that had struck her as funny or amusing.
But Clark was lost in his own thoughts.
As Rachel talked to the cab driver about Smallville, he looked out the window.
Lois…
She could not – would not – free him. And she seemed well-aware of this fact. She knew that she was torturing him, that he was her prisoner for life. So how could she do it? She made it so clear that she didn’t return his feelings. But… she didn’t want him to find happiness somewhere else then. It upset her to think about him finding happiness with someone else. How could she say that to him? How could she be so low? He had once thought she was an incredible romantic like him. After all, she had admitted once that she was writing a romance novel. And despite her sometimes hard exterior, he could see that she was a sentimental softy at heart. She would show him that when she opened up to him. And she had opened up to him many times. So… how could she basically admit she didn’t want him to find with someone else what she wouldn’t give to him?
Not that Rachel was a romantic interest. She had been his friend for nearly twenty years now. She felt more like a sister. But… Lois had thought Rachel might be a romantic interest for him.
He looked at Rachel.
She was very pretty and sweet. Funny and kind. She was a total catch, really. Just not his catch. He only had strong feelings for one woman.
But that didn’t change the fact that Rachel was great. And Lois must have seen that when the two girls had been talking. So it wasn’t as if Rachel was catty or mean and Lois didn’t want her best friend with someone like that. His best friend – a real best friend – would probably *want* him with someone like Rachel. But… Lois didn’t. Lois made it clear she didn’t return his feelings or want him. But the thought of him giving someone else his attentions upset her? Someone nice who could offer him what any best friend would want for him?
And when he called her on it, she told him it wasn’t like that… but she couldn’t even back it up completely. And then… she’d kissed him.
She had purposely tried to keep him under her spell. Purposely made it impossible for him to break free so he could think about another woman. Not that she needed to do that. She would never have to kiss him to ensure that. But clearly she didn’t know that. And the kiss was…
…oh…
While his lips still felt alive and heated from their final kiss, their kiss goodbye… which was quick, but still electrifying… he couldn’t help feeling completely angered at the whole thing.
She was getting married in the morning! She admitted she didn’t feel that way for him. But she kissed him.
And the only thing she *had* admitted was that she was upset thinking about him dating Rachel.
What else could it mean?
Nothing…
The kiss only meant one thing. Lois Lane wanted to ensure that his love never went away. That he didn’t think about anyone else.
She wanted him to be alone… loving her. He knew she was afraid of things changing. It was okay for her to change, but she wanted to ensure that he stayed just as he was. Feelings, availability and all…
How could she want that for him? It was an awful thing to want for anyone!
Sometimes the idea that he would grow old alone with no one to share his life with scared him. It scared him so much and made him unbelievably sad. Sometimes the ache was so strong, he did surrender to it and shed a few tears over it all. How could his supposed best friend want that for him?
You’re supposed to wish your friends the best! You’re supposed to hope they find love.
Her kiss had been her way of saying that he didn’t matter to her as much as she said he did. Her feelings were clear. All too clear. Her kiss had said *everything*.
She wanted him to be alone. Unattached. Imprisoned by his love for her. A love she admitted she did not return. While she changed her life massively, she wanted him to never change from the man she had known throughout their friendship.
Well… he had changed! And after he walked out of that church tomorrow… that friendship was over.
He had done his part; he had done all that he could do; hell, he had even done too much; and in the end, he had said goodbye.
It was over.
It was all over.
* * *
It was over.
Everything… was over.
Lois lay in her bed, her hair still wet from the shower her mother had insisted she take. The coffee she had given her when she’d gotten out of the shower was starting to take effect and she was beginning to remember too much.
How she’d acted! The things she had said!
To Rachel! To Clark!
The kiss!
She put a hand to her head, already feeling a headache coming. Whether it was due to the alcohol or her dizzying thoughts, she had no idea. She didn’t care.
It was over.
It was all over.
Clark had said goodbye. And she had seen something in his eyes that seemed final. The concerned eyes of her good friend had looked defeated and broken in the end when he’d said it. They’d looked like they had had quite enough. They were done.
And could she blame him!? What was wrong with her! Why couldn’t she just leave him alone! Let him live his life. If he had a chance at happiness with someone great, pretty, nice and someone he definitely seemed to like, why couldn’t she just be happy for him!?
Had it all been a reaction to the alcohol? Was she more vulnerable to feelings that normally lay dormant within her with alcohol in her system? If she had been sober tonight, would she have toasted Clark and Rachel and wished them the best? Had it just been a result of her nerves from everything lately and her fear of losing him all intensified by her massive consumption of hard, disgusting liquor?
Oh…
She sighed.
It was too awful. Why had she done it? Why had she acted that way?
She’d been on the prowl the moment she laid eyes on Rachel Harris. Clark had asked her if it was jealousy and she had said it wasn’t. Even now she wasn’t sure if that was it. But… the moment she had seen Clark walk into the club, her heart had done something wonderful. Seeing his smile had been great. But the moment she laid eyes on the blonde – realizing she was *with* him, that his smile was meant for her – her heart had sunk. And she had moved in on her target, launching an unladylike – but moreover, un-*Lois*-like – attack on her. It had been catty and cruel. And Rachel seemed completely oblivious to it, which made it worse! She had been sickeningly nice to Lois and had even tried to cheer her up when it was clear something was wrong with her. Rachel had been wonderful, simply wonderful, after Lois had been awful. Simply awful. And the worst part was that while Rachel had been oblivious to her cruelty, Clark had not. He had seen a side of her she would never have wanted him to see. He had stepped in to stop it, to defend Rachel against Lois. And that had just made her feel worse!
And later, as Rachel talked about her nearly twenty-year friendship with Clark, Lois had felt something inside that had to be jealousy. But not… romantic jealousy. This was more a jealousy that Rachel had known Clark for that long and she hadn’t. She knew things about him that she didn’t. She could recall what he’d looked like as a child and as a teenager. She was a part of his history. And it, for some reason, completely unsettled her. Especially in light of the fact that it seemed likely that she would always know him better, since she might well become an important part of his future, too. But… it had to be jealousy over the friendship. That had to be the reason for her attitude the whole night!
Didn’t it?
Friend-jealousy?
She pulled her robe tighter around her, curling up at the head of her bed, putting her feet under the comforter. She was suddenly a little cold, as fresh air from her open window in the living room found her and ran through her wet hair and sent chills down her still damp body.
Even while she had been completely unsettled while Rachel talked about Clark when he was younger, she had still been incredibly interested. Rachel had painted him as just the sweetest guy in Smallville. He defended the kids that were picked on and was nice to everyone. He would smile at Rachel and her friends and always talk with them and sometimes have lunch with them – at least once a week in high school – even though they weren’t the prettiest, and they weren’t very popular. Oh, it was Clark all over. He was just the nicest and most decent guy she had ever met. No wonder he had given her a second chance when she’d been so cruel to him when they’d first met. And a third chance when she’d been cruel again. And a fourth chance… And…
Well eventually she stopped being so cruel to him because she saw it. She saw those qualities that Rachel talked about tonight, that she realized were just inherent in him. He was simply the best guy. Even better than…
She walked to the open window and shut it on a sudden impulse.
She sat down on her couch and wondered something. How would she feel if Superman were out on the town tonight on a date and she’d seen him? If she had reacted as she had to Clark being out with Rachel, she surely would have murdered the woman out with Superman, right?
She closed her eyes and painted the same scene, only with Superman in the place of Clark. She laughed out loud at the image of Superman out on the town like a normal guy. Out on a date.
In that suit!
That brought up a whole new point she hadn’t thought about before…
If Superman had said yes to her not-so-subtle invitation, would they have ever been able to go out on a date? Probably not. But that didn’t matter. It wasn’t as if she loved going out or anything. Staying home was great. Hiding had its excitement and thrill.
Superman on a date. Focus, her mind told her.
It would have hurt to see him out with someone, too, she decided. But… it would have felt probably a little more like finding out your favorite celebrity had a girlfriend. Like finding out that Harrison Ford was dating someone, when the day before you had still believed naively that he might meet you one day and fall for you. Except… she didn’t know Harrison Ford. And she *was* Superman’s friend. And it wasn’t the crush on a stranger that she felt for him… it *was* real… So it would have been more personal, seeing Superman out with someone than finding out Harrison Ford had a girlfriend. But it still kind of would have had that feeling…that less personal feeling than… oh… if your best friend were out with someone.
When it came to your best friend… it was much more personal. It could never be compared to a celebrity crush, no matter how far fetched the comparison was even with Superman.
Not that she had a crush on Clark…
Lois went to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. She felt a little more sober already, but her thoughts weren’t making any more sense to her and she felt another cup of coffee couldn’t hurt.
Why hadn’t she thought about Superman lately? She wondered. She had not thought about him too much since he had flown out of her window. If he had broken her heart, like she had believed in the moment that sent her running to accept the proposal she had only been toiling with before , then why wasn’t she consumed by thoughts of him? Why did Clark even have the power to put her through all the things she had felt this evening? And really since that talk in the car.
Just…
When it came to Clark, everything mattered so much more. Was he the most important person to her? Was that why he took over her thoughts? She had never really had a best friend before… was this what it was like? Did they come before everything? Did they come before thoughts of the man you loved? Was that right?
She glanced at the window. The closed window. She had no desire to see Superman right now. And not because of how things had gone the last time he had visited.
But… she just didn’t really want to think about him. She had something so much more important to ponder on this evening, the night before her wedding.
She shook her head confusedly. Shouldn’t she be thinking of Superman the night before her wedding? She loved Superman. Why wouldn’t she stop thinking about Clark already! How could Clark be classified as something more important to think about! How!
But… she couldn’t help wondering what Clark and Rachel were doing just now.
And, she realized, she didn’t *really* care what Superman was doing right now. She could assume he wasn’t on a date. That he was possibly helping at a natural disaster. She cared. But not… She didn’t… *care*.
If that made any sense.
And Lex…
She realized in a moment that she hadn’t thought at *all* about her fiancée much lately. Even when he would be there in the flesh, talking to her, her mind was somewhere else. And tonight, he was not there in the flesh. So he hadn’t been anywhere near her thoughts. When she was fiercely trying to understand the matters of her own heart, she hadn’t even thought once about the man she was about to marry! Did that… mean something?
Did it mean something that she couldn’t stop thinking about Clark?
No, he was a friend! Just a friend! And okay, she was confused about what was going on with him and especially with her! But… no, it did not matter.
It didn’t matter…
Except that it did. For some reason it mattered more than anything else. Her inability to stop thinking about it – or him – proved that.
Clark mattered… most.
She closed her eyes, that realization hitting her like a ton of bricks.
What did it mean?
Why did he matter so much?
Was it just the fear of losing him that was doing this to her?
Was this what it was like to care so much for someone? To have a best friend?
What did the kiss mean? Why had she done that?
She’d only meant to hug him… but…
As she’d stood on her toes and moved to do that, something changed. Something pulled her, almost like a gravitational force, like she had no control of her lips or something! And something in his eyes… she found herself wanting to kiss away all of the pain she had caused. She thought if she could find one way to make it okay, she would do it. She would do just about anything to stop him from hurting.
But when the kiss – which she had to admit had felt incredibly good, despite its brevity – ended… he had looked more hurt than before. And he had looked finished. With her.
And said goodbye.
Oh, she hadn’t done a thing right all night! She threw herself finally onto her bed with that thought, her coffee long gone down the kitchen sink. She really just had not done a thing right. For a long time. But especially tonight.
Throwing question after question at Rachel! Like she was the prime suspect in a murder investigation. She had been such an idiot during that chat with Rachel.
And then with Clark… their conversation was awful. She had driven that conversation; and in that, she had taken many wrong turns. And eventually they were too far out and too lost. The more she said, the worse it got. And in the end it had pushed him away.
She wondered if he would still come to the wedding tomorrow.
She placed her head on her pillow. The wedding…
She finally thought about the wedding.
It was tomorrow.
And she finally admitted to herself that she really wasn’t sure anymore she was doing the right thing. She wasn’t sure anymore about anything! But…
It was just too late.
* * *
Today was the day. And Clark hadn’t slept all night because of that fact. And that fact just kept turning over and over again in his head and he kept checking to see if the outcome was different. But… it wasn’t. The facts remained the same.
Today Lois Lane was getting married. To his enemy. While he watched. And when the ceremony ended, his goal was to walk out of her life forever, ending a friendship he had long cherished. A friendship that had saved him in many ways. A friendship that had given him so much hope… for so much more.
But she was not in love with him. She never would be. And she had abused the limits of his friendship one time too many.
He was sure he wouldn’t attend at all if he hadn’t roped Rachel into it. But she was so excited and kept going on and on about telling her best friend Carol all about the social event of the year in the big city and how she was able to attend. He had pulled her in and she was so excited. And he hadn’t spent nearly enough time with her over the past few years and didn’t want to cut the trip short or hurt her feelings. He had already told her they would leave after the ceremony, and she had understood. So… he really just had to go and get through it. Weddings were only, what, an hour or so?
He threw his suit coat over his shirt and tie and groaned. *Why* had he given into Lois in the car? Why couldn’t he deny her when she cried? It was fine to say he’d go a few days ago. But now… he was getting dressed and he had to actually *go*! He had to watch her walk down the aisle looking breathtaking, no doubt, and watch his enemy wait for her to join him. He had to listen to the priest say all those things about love eternal, and listen to their vows! He could perhaps try to focus on other noises, like ones across the street or something, but… he was so attuned to Lois he would probably hone in on her voice anyway. And hear her promise herself to Lex Luthor.
He had made a grave mistake a few days ago…
“Oh, Clark, you look nice!” Rachel said, opening the door and walking out of the bedroom.
… and now he had to live with the consequences.
He looked at Rachel. Her hair was tied up, a few loose curls hanging down and her dress was pale blue and very pretty. She looked really nice. He smiled.
“Rachel, you look beautiful,” he said, looking into her eyes to assure her that he meant that. He knew that she could sometimes be the most insecure person in the world and hadn’t a clue what a catch she really was. How great. And how pretty.
She blushed. “Thanks, Clark.”
“You know, I feel bad now that we won’t be going to the reception. You look so nice. We may have to go dancing somewhere else,” he said, his smile growing.
She smiled back, glowing. “I would like that!”
“Well then we’ll do it! We’ll have fun,” he added. And he knew they would. He always had fun with Rachel. And he knew that after the ceremony, he really would need that so that he wouldn’t fly into orbit and wait twenty-one minutes just to see what might happen to him.
“Okay, shall we?” she asked.
“We shall.”
They began walking out of the apartment.
“This feels just like prom!” Rachel laughed.
Clark laughed. Her enthusiasm was infectious.
“Okay, let’s get this over with,” he said.
And then they walked out his front door and into what was sure to be the worst day of his life.
* * *
She looked at her reflection in the three-way mirror. She was shaking. Her knees, her hands. Her entire body was trembling. And the tears would not stop falling. Was it supposed to be this way?
“Honey… you’re going to be fine. Everyone gets the jitters on the big day!”
“Does everyone throw up six times?” Lois asked, touching her stomach, realizing that she was still feeling pretty bad. Realizing that maybe she wasn’t ready to mention throwing up just yet.
“Well, I think it’s safe to say you’re a bit hung over.”
“Clearly,” Lois said. Although she knew it was more than that.
She just wasn’t sure what was happening. She couldn’t understand why she wasn’t thinking nonstop about Superman. Or Lex! The man she was marrying. Why was she still thinking so much about her ex-partner?
How come she hadn’t slept a wink last night because of him? Why had she obsessed about what Clark might have been doing with Rachel? Why did she care? How come she had been reliving that kiss in her mind over and over – at first to try to justify her actions, and in the end because it was a perfect kiss and she felt, for the first time in a long time, safe in that moment, and like she was exactly where she belonged. In the early morning light, that thought had been like a sucker punch and she begged for sleep to take her so she could escape such thoughts. Why, when her mind was demanding that she stop thinking about that kiss did her heart insist on it? Had it just been easier to imagine him kissing her than kissing Rachel?
Kissing Rachel…
Her stomach churned at the very thought.
And that made her mad! She wanted so badly to let him go; to let Clark do what he had to do to be happy. She really wanted him to be happy. She did! Of course she wanted it! He was her best friend. And he had always been so good to her. She wanted him to find happiness.
Like… her?
Wasn’t she happy? It *was* her wedding day.
She looked at her tear-streaked face. She could look at herself in the mirror and let her reflection speak a truth she had denied for so long. She was not happy. She was completely miserable and so utterly torn. More than ever before. And over Clark! Clark, who she had never thought of as anything but her dear, good friend.
Had he become more to her on a level she hadn’t acknowledged? Had he snuck into her heart as more… and she had just been too busy to notice? Until she was forced to notice…
Looking at her reflection a moment longer, the final question came to her mind. *Why*, an hour ago, when she had first seen herself in her beautiful dress, did the name “Lois Lane… Kent” come out of her mouth?
She turned away from her reflection and sat down on the step, bending over, her head in her hands. She quietly shook; quietly sobbed. Everything had spiraled so far out of her control and she had no idea what to do.
“Honey… I hate seeing you like this!” her mother said, sitting beside her, moving Lois’s hair so she could see her face. “You have to listen to your heart, honey. And if that means not doing this today…”
“It’s too late!” Lois cried, not looking up.
“Honey, when you’re married to Lex Luthor… and the man you love is married to someone else, after he slipped out from under you… well, then you might be able to say it’s too late.”
She looked up at her mother then, questions in her eyes.
Her mom wiped her cheek with a handkerchief, wiping away the black trail of her tears.
“Oh honey. *I* know. The question is… do you?”
* * *
Clark and Rachel walked into a pew and sat down and Clark finally realized how nervous he actually was. His heart was beating so very fast. He was there. He was sitting in a church for Lois’s wedding. He thought it was the absolute worst thing he could imagine, but when he saw the groom walk out of a side room at the front of the church and go and stand in his place, he realized it *could* get worse.
Lex looked over at Clark briefly, smiled an evil, victorious smile that anyone but him would not have even noticed, and turned away again, not acknowledging him in any way.
“Doesn’t he know you?” Rachel asked, leaning into him.
“He’s met me quite a few times. But he does not by any means know me,” Clark said, clenching a muscle in his jaw as he stared at his hands.
“Clark… I’ve tried not to butt in, even though it’s been clear something’s wrong here. But… why is Lois marrying him? She doesn’t seem to be in love. And it seems like the whole thing has put a strain on her friendship with you. And she seems really upset about that.”
“I think it’s safe to say that Lois has no clue what she wants.” He looked at her. “I think… when the Planet was destroyed, she just grasped for anything that might offer her some kind of stability, some kind of life. And this is the outcome of that. But it’s her choice. I can’t do a thing to stop her. And I hate that man standing up there,” he said quietly, shaking his head, not looking at Rachel anymore, but seeming more lost in his thoughts. “I came today to try to work with Lois to save our friendship and it did not work. When this is over, so are we. I know it. She knows it.” He shrugged. “And we just have to live with it.”
“Can you live with it?”
He looked at her, surprise in his expression, and then looked away for a moment.
“You always knew how to ask the hard questions, Rach.”
She smiled, but did not shield her look of concern from him.
He didn’t say it, but he knew. The answer to her question was no. Absolutely not.
He was broken out of his thoughts by the sound of the organ, signaling the beginning of the ceremony. The entire church stood up.
He tried. He did. But his shaking legs would not support him and in the end, he leaned forward, resting his hands on the pew in front of him. He couldn’t stand. He couldn’t look. He couldn’t even be there. But… there was nowhere for him to go now.
