Title: Revelations in Captivity
Part: 5 'Illusion Stripped'
Author: tvnerdgirl
Rated: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own these wonderful people, and promise to return my toys once I am done playing with them
Summery: A 'revelation' fic that centers largely on the events that took place in 'That Old Gang of Mine' and Lois' reactions to them. Lois and Clark get locked in a department store by accident and a secret is revealed during a game of truth or dare...
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Clark lowered his glasses and searched the department store in an attempt to figure out where Lois had run off to. He couldn’t believe that he had pushed her away like he had. It had been his dream come true to hear Lois ask him to kiss her and for a brief, sweet moment he had been able to get lost in her completely. He had come crashing back to reality however and could not in all conscience continue to kiss her, knowing why she had asked him to do it.
He had obviously underestimated the way his ‘death’ had affected her. He had expected her to be upset of course, but never had he thought she was so upset over it that she was still reliving it even now. It had obviously hurt her enough to cause her to want to kiss him, to reaffirm that he was still here, and alive and close to her. He wasn’t foolish enough to think it could be any more than that. He couldn’t take advantage of her in that way. He wouldn’t. Add to the fact that if she ever knew that he was Superman, the hurt she would feel over being led to believe he was dead and he knew he couldn’t keep kissing her the way he had. It was wrong to deceive her like that. Even if she was deceiving herself into wanting him, he couldn’t do that to her. He felt bad enough about lying to her as it was.
Clark found Lois in one of the back offices sitting in a chair, head in her hands crying. He had never seen her so blatantly vulnerable. He immediately stopped watching her and headed back there, not knowing what he intended to say, but knowing he couldn’t just let her sit there and cry. He had done enough to her as it was.
He knocked gently on the door of the office before letting himself in. Lois’ head snapped up and she did her best to pull herself into coherency, but it was too late. Clark had seen her with her defenses down. She let her shoulder’s drop and he heard a coldness creep into her voice.
“What now Clark?”
“Lois, I think we need to talk.”
“About what?” She sighed deeply and Clark could hear the resignation in it. “I think that what happened out there was pretty clear.”
“No Lois, it wasn’t.” Clark sat down next to her, hoping that she would at least hear him out. “I know what you were trying to do Lois and I understand completely. I’m sorry that thing with the gangsters scared you so much, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be your friend but I…”
“Don’t feel anything more.” She finished flatly. “I get that Clark, you don’t have to spell it out for me.”
“Lois, if you had any idea…” he paused, not sure how to finish that without revealing too much of his own heart. “You don’t have to prove anything to me. You don’t have to try to be more than you are. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Clark, what the hell do you think happened back there?” Lois exclaimed, eyes flashing. “You think I was just playing with you?”
“I think that you were more affected by what happened than you thought you were.” Clark gave a sigh. “It happens with near death experiences Lois. People need to remind themselves however they can that the other person is alive and well and not going anywhere. You needed to do what you did and I don’t blame you for not feeling more.”
“Are you from another planet Clark?” Lois’ voice was incredulous as if Clark had said something completely out of the realm of possibility. “Or are you just blind? Yes, I was affected by what happened to you, what person in their right mind wouldn’t be? But if you think that I did that just to physically remind myself that you’re still here, than you are thicker than I thought you were.”
“Than why did you do it Lois?” Clark burst out, unable to take any more head games. “You made it pretty clear before you almost married Luthor how you felt, or should I say didn’t feel. What else am I supposed to think?”
“I think the fact that I asked you to kiss me would have been a pretty clear sign.” Lois snapped.
“Sign of what? Boredom? I mean, that’s the only possible explanation. You got sick of the basketball game and decided to play with me instead. Why not? We’ve been trapped in here for quite some time.”
He was being unreasonable now, but he no longer cared. He was tired of being close to her, but knowing he could never have her. He was tired of thinking she was flirting with him, only to realize she only thought of him as a friend.
Without warning, Lois slapped him. It was hard enough that it would have stung quite a bit for a normal man, and Clark made a good show of looking pained. The shock he felt however, was natural.
“Oh God Clark I’m sorry!” She exclaimed, staring at her hand as if she didn’t believe it had just done that.
“Don’t be Lois, I probably deserved that.” His shoulders slumped and he felt the will to fight with her leave him entirely. “If you only knew how much that kiss meant to me you…”
He trailed off, suddenly noting that her expression had changed significantly. She looked shocked now, but not because of what she had just done. She was looking at him with a sense of recognition on her face, followed by horror as she realized something she hadn’t realized before.
“Lois what is it?” He couldn’t understand why she was suddenly trembling, why she was backing away from him. And then she saw them. His glasses were on the floor near his feet. She must have knocked them off when she had slapped him. He hadn’t noticed it. But she did. And now she knew everything.
“You’re…” she was stammering now and Clark felt a great weight descend on him as he realized it was all over. All the lies, all the deceptions, all the hiding was now stripped away. Lois was seeing him for who he truly was and it was clear it wasn’t a welcome site.
“Yes Lois,” he sighed softly. “I am.”
“All this time…” she trailed off, her mind clearly racing faster than her words. “You…you lied to me.”
Clark didn’t even try to point out that he had never directly lied, just failed to tell her the truth. It wouldn’t matter. It was the same sin, no matter how it was carried out.
“Yes I did.”
“Why?” She wasn’t yelling. She wasn’t accusing. Her eyes had gone from angry and bright to cold and distant, almost completely detached. Clark didn’t know how to react. Yelling and screaming was one thing. He knew how to fight with Lois almost as well as he knew how to breathe, but this Lois? He had never seen her before and she scared him.
“At first, I wasn’t sure I could trust you not to expose me and write the story.” He told her honestly. “After we got to be close, I fell in love with you. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but it’s the truth. I fell in love with you, but all you could see was Superman, or worse, Luthor. When I told you my feelings and you rejected me, then asked to see Superman…well, I couldn’t tell you then. I should have, but I was just too raw. I think I still am. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. I was afraid I would lose you for good.”
“You were right to be afraid Clark,” she whispered almost inaudibly. He felt his heart crack into a million pieces as he watched her face and heard her words. “I can understand everything you’ve just told me. I could even forgive it, except…”
She broke off, and looked away, sobs overtaking her small frame. Unable to help himself, he went to her, placing a hand on her shoulder, wanting desperately to fix this mess that he had created.
“Don’t touch me!” She hissed, the fire returning to her eyes. “You made me think you were dead Clark! I can forgive the other stuff, but you let me think I had lost you! Damn you! How could you just sit by while I…how could you let me go through that hell? How could you not tell me then?”
“I wanted to Lois, I did I…” why couldn’t he give her a good reason for not telling her the truth? There wasn’t one, he realized. She was right. He deserved all her anger and more.
“Liar! I thought you were dead Clark. I thought you had sacrificed yourself to save me. I thought you maybe even could have loved me! Do you know that’s when I realized I loved you? I wasn’t trying to play games with you back there, or to use you to make myself feel better. I wanted to tell you I loved you. I needed you to know that because I finally knew that. I knew what I wanted. I wanted you! I thought you loved me enough to give up everything, but you didn’t give up anything did you?” She was shouting her loudest now, abandoning all attempts at composure. “Getting shot in front of me was just another day on the job wasn’t it?”
“That’s not even close to true Lois.” He said furiously. “If you want to be angry with me for not telling you, fine, I deserve that. But don’t you dare think for one minute that I didn’t give up anything by taking that bullet. Did it ever occur to you that when I did that I didn’t know that I would be able to find a loophole to explain Clark Kent’s reappearance? Did you ever think that when I took that bullet Clark Kent may have been lost forever? Oh sure, I wouldn’t have been dead, you’re right about that. Superman is invulnerable. But Clark Kent isn’t. I gave up my identity that day with no assurances that I would ever give it back. I gave up my life, my job at the Planet, my whole world. I gave up you.” He paused, pacing slightly and desperately needing her to understand. “It may not be the sacrifice you wanted, but I gave up something precious without a single thought that day. I gave up Clark Kent for you. I was ready to live my life as Superman and only Superman. By some miracle I found a way out of it, but if I hadn’t…”
“You would have let me think you were dead forever is that it?” Lois was quiet again. “You would have come to me in the suit, but you would be gone. I’d never see you again.”
“I’m sorry if that isn’t noble enough for you.” Clark spat bitterly, hating the look of utter disappointment he saw on her face. “I’m sorry I’m invulnerable and wasn’t able to die for you. If I had no powers at all, I would have jumped in front of that gun just the same. You probably don’t believe me, but…”
“I believe you,” she whispered bleakly. “And I understand what you gave up and I’m sorry I made it seem like it was a lesser sacrifice. It wasn’t. But that isn’t the point. The point is, you would have let me grieve for you. You would have taken Clark Kent away from me and replaced him with…with Superman. You didn’t even give me the choice. I don’t know that I can forgive you for that Clark.”
“I never thought you’d be disappointed to be left with Superman,” was all he could think so say. It didn’t matter if he dug himself in deeper now. Whatever hope he had harboured was gone, replaced with the cold realization that he had lost her.
“Well I guess that shows how little you know me.” She shook her head regretfully. “Just so you know, I kissed you earlier because I was in love with Clark Kent. Another lie that I happened to fall for I suppose.”
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