Lois was scared.
Or, at the very least, in a turmoil of emotions.
She lay in bed, in what used to be her old room at the farmhouse, staring up at the ceiling as the last rays of sunshine faded for the day.
Before she knew she was pregnant, everything had been going so well with Clark. They were taking things slow, and he had seemed like the steady stream of normalcy that she knew she needed in her life. But now, she knew that he was anything but normal.
The most painful part of his revelations today was feeling as if they had skipped to the third act of what could have been an amazing play… She was pregnant with no recollection as to how she got that way.
Lois knew she loved Clark. And she loved the Blur… and while the idea that they were the same was amazing, all the implications that followed still stunned her. He was an alien. They had made love in the future. She was carrying his child.
She felt the odd pains begin again in her abdomen and opened the lead box on the dresser next to her, the soft blue glow filling the room. She breathed in deeply, and closed her eyes, trying to feel calm return to her body.
Lois placed her hand over her abdomen, trying to connect to the tiny life inside of her. Though it was weird at first to realize she was pregnant with an alien baby, she knew Clark. And he seemed pretty human – and actually, his humanity was often what impressed her most about him. Clark could be more empathetic than anyone she knew.
And she knew for a fact that he rescued people on a daily basis, without asking for a reward.
He was extraordinary.
And his child would be as well…
She just worried about the pregnancy itself. She hoped she was strong enough to handle whatever this alien pregnancy would throw at her. Though she had to believe that their anatomy couldn’t be that different for her to have conceived in the first place.
Still, she and Clark were out of sync in terms of their relationship. He had memories of their making love, and Lois was trying to wrap her mind around that. When they had been so determined to take things slow, how could she have jumped time – weeks before they had even kissed! – and felt like it was the right thing to do to sleep with Clark?
Bits of her earlier conversation with Clark were coming back to her. About Tess and being in some sci-fi version of World War Three… she knew she had loved Clark longer than she had admitted to him, or anyone else, but had circumstances simply pushed that love to the fore?
Regardless, they were merely dating at this point in time, in the present… yet with this souvenir from the future, remnants of that passion were obviously literally and figuratively in her in some way. But the bridge to how they had gotten there, that is what was tearing her apart at the moment.
How could Clark accept responsibility for their child when they had just been getting used to the idea of PDAs and lingering kisses?
She sighed, rolling over on the bed to look at the clock. It was only 8:30. She had been lying here in the semidarkness for over an hour, just thinking.
She decided she wasn’t going to sleep, especially not this early. She was a little surprised that Clark hadn’t come up to check on her, and yet at the same time, she knew Clark Kent. He would give her space if that was what she wanted.
Yeah, she had known Clark Kent, all right. She just wasn’t sure if she knew him now… understood who he really was. After all, he had lied to her for months about the Blur. And while she understood why, it still hurt that she hadn’t been included in on the truth.
Had anyone known in his life?
Obviously the Kents knew.
What about Chloe? Knowing how close the two were without being dating-close, Lois was willing to bet that Chloe knew.
And Lana?
Lois sighed again, this time feeling a squelch of pain in the region of her chest. No doubt Little Miss Perfect had known as well…
So when had he planned on telling her?
Ever?
She couldn’t help but worry that perhaps she didn’t mean as much to him. Sure he would stand by her because of the baby, but that had more to do with Clark being Clark than Clark being in love with her.
She heard a soft knock on the door, shaking her out of her thoughts. The door opened, light from the hallway spilling into the room, and Clark stood there, looking sheepish.
“I just was wondering if you were hungry…” he said quietly.
She sat up, the hallway light feeling blinding after sitting in semidarkness for so long. She reached over to the lead box with the blue meteor rock and closed the lid. “Yeah, I suppose so. Should probably at least eat for the little one, huh?” she said, wondering why she suddenly felt a gulf between her and Clark wider than ever before.
She moved to walk past him, but he stopped her gently, laying a hand on her arm. “Lois, are we okay?”
She looked up at him, and could see for the first time that today’s revelations had been wearing on him as well. She let out a large breath, and tried to smile. “I think so… I mean, I have a lot to – understand, I guess… I just feel like here we are, with a baby on the way, and suddenly, I hardly know you.”
That seemed to sting him a bit, though his eyes continued to search hers. “Lois, you do know me,” he said gruffly, emotion choking his words. “As Clark and—the Blur. You are the one that knows me better than anyone.”
Lois felt tears well in her eyes once more. “Better than Chloe? Than –Lana? They knew, didn’t they?”
He nodded. “I-wanted to tell you, Lois. I just worried about you getting hurt. And it got more complicated with the Blur… I knew I was lying to you, yet it felt the best way to handle things at the time.”
She brushed past him, and he followed her down the stairs. “Lois, I’ve made some mistakes, I admit. And I have only tried to protect you – but we have to find a way forward. Look, we can still be a couple – can’t we?”
“I want us to be. I just – need to get used to the idea of who you really are, that’s all… and I need to know that you aren’t just sticking around because of the baby,” she finished quietly, wiping away an escaped tear.
Clark suddenly seemed to stop overthinking things, and just took Lois into his arms. She relaxed just a bit, feeling like she belonged there, despite the confusions tumbling in her brain.
“Lois, come out to the barn a moment. There’s something I need to show you,” Clark said, taking Lois by the hand as they headed out into the night. “I realize that while I feel like you know me in many ways that often surprise me, you may not feel the same. I want you to trust me, Lois. And in order to earn that trust, I need to be completely honest with you.”
He left her ruminating on that tidbit as they headed into the barn and upstairs to the loft. He never let go of her hand the entire time. He reached into his dusty drawer and handed her a leather-bound book.
“I don’t want any secrets between us, Lois. As much for my sake as for the baby’s, this book should help you understand.”
“The unabridged user’s guide to all things Kryptonian?” she asked skeptically, flipping through the pages.
“I just know I’ve kept you in the dark a long time, Lois. And I know you feel more vulnerable than I’m sure you’re comfortable with… I just need you to know that I will be there for you. As much as I need you there for me.”
“You need me?” she said with a slightly deprecating laugh. “I find that hard to believe.”
“Lois, you have to know—“ he began, sounding surprised by her reaction. “You help me do what I need to do… your smile, and kicking my butt around the Planet… Actually, Lois, that was one reason I had hesitated to tell you the truth.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, intrigued.
“I mean, I like how you boss me around. I like how you make it impossible for me to forget that there is only one Lois Lane.”
She grinned at that, feeling for the first time since all this started like her old self… Like they could reclaim the easy banter of their relationship.
“Hearing you call me ‘Smallville’ and ordering me around the office – Lois, it grounds me. I can’t really explain it better than that… being with you makes me feel – human. And I need that.” He stepped closer to her, daring to cup her cheek in his hand. “And I don’t want to lose that.”
“You won’t – Smallville,” she teased, braving a smile. Her eyes met his. “So… how about we start with dinner?”
~L&C~
Lois stared down at her plate of fettuccine, glancing at Clark surreptitiously under her lashes now and then. She felt oddly shy around him, first simply trying to wrap her mind around the idea that he was the Blur… And that she was somehow carrying his child via a trip to the future that she couldn’t even remember.
“I’ve always hated awkward silences,” she muttered, playing with her food. “I’m too tempted to try to make a joke or say something stupid…”
“Then let’s talk… ask me anything,” Clark interrupted.
She still wouldn’t look directly at him, though she felt like she could feel him staring at her, begging her to look at him. She continued to play with the noodles, turning them around on her fork as she skated the fork around the plate. “I don’t know where to begin. I mean, I’ve had a million questions about the Blur, and some of them have been answered by knowing you’re him… like, what does he do when he’s not off saving the world. And I find it –um, I don’t know, endearing and extraordinary that the Blur spends his off time mostly with me…”
She glanced up to see him give her a smile, her fork in the air, dangling with fettuccine. “But then…when I think about you and I, and how – cautious we were being... I mean, with what you went through with Lana and I went through with Ollie – and now this baby…” She shook her head and took another bite. When she could speak again, her voice was shaking and uncertain. “I feel panicked or at least worried about the future… I don’t know what this pregnancy will do to me, let alone what will come next…”
Clark reached across the table and covered her hand with his. “Lois, I promise. Everything will be all right…”
She looked Clark straight in the eye for the first time since they sat down. She could see that he was troubled by what she said, but she still couldn’t help the hurt showing in her voice. “And I don’t know if you are saying that because you want to be with me or because… of the baby.” Lois pulled her hand away and took her plate over to the sink. “I’m not really hungry now.”
“Lois… please... I know! Why don’t we take a walk? It’s a clear night… I’ll give you Clark Kent’s ‘Tour of the Galaxy.’”
She turned to face him, biting her lip subconsciously, telegraphing her uncertainty. He looked irresistible when he gave her that warm look though, and so self-assured. She wanted to lean on him, but she also wanted to prove that she was strong enough to stand on her own two feet. The General had always taught her to be independent, even when she needed help the most, and Lois feared relying on Clark for the wrong reasons. She wanted to be with him because they loved each other – not because of circumstance.
Because she did love him. And perhaps that was the real reason she felt so vulnerable. Clark had all the power to protect or destroy her, literally and figuratively. And though Lois trusted him and knew he would never physically hurt her, she knew he could easily hurt her emotionally. Lois had to convince herself that she could handle raising a baby on her own if it came down to it. She didn’t want to be reliant on Clark for everything, even though she did need him. Not just for the normal baby stuff – but because this pregnancy was one of a kind. A Kryptonian and a human. She wouldn’t be able to explain things to her doctor… she had no idea what the birth would be like. Lois needed Clark for those things, at the very least.
Clark seemed to notice she was getting lost in her thoughts. He walked over to her, and took away the fork that was still in her hand, putting their dishes away in the dishwasher. He gently placed his hands on her shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze so she would look up at him.
“Hey, Lois? It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
She seemed to snap out of her worries and gave him a wan smile. This was Clark Kent, after all.
Even if there were sides to him she didn’t fully understand yet, she knew him.
She sighed and gave him a hug. “Sorry… I guess… I’m just scared.” Lois looked up at him, her heart in her eyes.
Clark didn’t let her go, but gently squeezed her shoulder in reassurance. “We’ll find our way together, Lois. I promise,” he said solemnly.
Then he turned to grab his jacket. “Come on. How about that walk?”
She nodded, knowing she needed a way to reconnect with him, find a way to understand him. “Okay… I suppose a little walk would do me good,” she said, reaching for her own jacket. She eyed the lead box on the counter and slipped it into her pocket, her expression once more wary. “But I better bring this um, crystal. Just in case.”
~L&C~
The night was clear. Nothing but the sound of crickets surrounded them as they walked along the dirt road. Clark wanted to reach out and hold Lois’ hand, to somehow reassure her that he loved her and would stand by her, but he feared his declarations might sound false to her at the moment. He knew he needed to earn that place in her heart, though he had thought he was more than half way there before they knew about the baby.
Now, it seemed as if a chasm was between them, despite all that they had shared today.
“I used to stare up at the stars…wondering about where I came from, about who my parents were,” he mused aloud. “I used to try and figure out where Krypton was, knowing that planets could be seen even if they were no longer there… I don’t know how far away Krypton is, or even where to look for it. I just know it’s where I come from – though it’s not home.”
Lois didn’t respond for a long while, and Clark searched for something to say. Then suddenly, she slipped her hand into his. “I know that feeling. Like, I know where I was born – on Fort Abrams. But it was never home. I know where I come from, but home had always been an elusive thing to me…”
“Had been?” Clark asked, catching her verb use.
“I mean---well, to be honest, Clark, I actually felt at home here. On the farm. Kinda strange, isn’t it?”
He gently squeezed her hand. “No, it isn’t, Lois. You do belong here. In fact… I was thinking – I mean, would it be too presumptuous of me if I asked you to move back here? There’s lots of room for a baby… and it would give us a chance to find our way in all of this.”
“On a practical level, it makes a lot of sense. And I do like living here… but, I need you to promise to give me time – to get to know you again. To sort out my own heart,” she said quietly, though she still held onto his hand.
He stopped walking and turned her to face him. “Lois, I’ll give you all the time you need.” The moonlight outlined Clark, his eyes like sparkling orbs looking back at her. He cupped her chin and she thought he was going to kiss her.
But instead he leaned down and simply kissed her cheek. She felt oddly disappointed, though she also knew there needed to be some space between them until she was sure where she stood with him, and with herself.
Suddenly she stepped back from him, almost angrily. “See, that’s what I mean. You give me one little chaste kiss and suddenly I am totally confused! I mean, are we friends? Are we a couple? Maybe me moving out here isn’t a good idea. I’ll just go to the General and try to explain—“
“Lois, stop. Please. We are both trying to sort things out,” he sighed. “How about we wait on you moving back to the farm? Give yourself a few weeks to think about it. How does that sound?”
It was what she needed to hear. She wanted to be able to make the choice, and he gave that possibility back to her. She suddenly threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you,” she whispered fiercely. When she pulled out of the hug, she took his hand, and they walked quietly back into the house.
~L&C~
Long after Lois went to bed, Clark remained wide awake, thinking.
He worried about Zod and the Kandorians, knowing what future awaited them if Zod became his enemy.
And if he did try to change the future, would it affect Lois and the baby?
If they don’t meet a year in the future, under the dire circumstances of the Kandorian takeover, would Lois still be pregnant?
The paradoxes of time travel swirled around in his brain until he was dizzy trying to sort it all out. What it came down to, whatever happened, was that he wanted Lois to be all right. When he felt her safely asleep, Clark darted off to the Fortress to ask Jor-El some questions.
The crystal cave looked different to him now, seeing it through Lois’ eyes. It was amazing that she trusted him as much as she did, seeing how alien it all was. No wonder she seemed so confused and almost afraid…
“Jor-El, I have some questions about the baby,” Clark called out into the icy wind. “What if the future changes? What if I reach out to Zod as a friend, instead of an enemy?”
“The baby will continue to grow, as the mother has traveled back to the present before the future has been changed. The baby will be born before the consequences of the future will make themselves known, changed or not.”
“But what do I do in the meantime about Zod?” Clark asked, more to himself than Jor-El.
“Keep Zod at a distance for now, Kal-El. And do not let him know about the child… “
