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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 3,060 Likes: 20 |
Wooot! I get to start the FDK folder!  But seriously, David, you are just breaking my heart! This is so...it's just so...  One little thing that caught my eye though: “Cat?” Her surprised gaze flicked back to his face. “No. Cat’s been chasing after you for months like a... Where would you get the idea that...” He saw her eyes narrow as she drew the obvious conclusions about his interlude with Cat earlier that morning.
He almost felt guilty at the relief that coursed through him. He’d never... he’d known that he’d never... not with Cat. Not when he loved Lois.
His attention was jerked back to the woman in front of him as her voice continued to rise. “That no-good... I can’t believe she’d...” oh, the thought of what Cat will have coming to her once the disaster is over  But onto more pressing matters...Lois thought he didn't love her. I nearly fell over. He *will* straighten her out about that, right? Right??? And what about that whole meteor-heading-for-Earth thing? He's still got to remember he's Superman! Again, how will he do that if he can't trust his memories? Will Lois have to figure it out for him? Although, it is good news about the whole door thing. I feel hopeful now. But just what'll it take to bring it all back? *imagines that BOTH Clark and Cat will be toast in the near future if Lois has to figure Clark's secret out for him* Oh, by the way, here is your arm back. I'm keeping your leg, though, until you post part 4. So hurry up and post!!! 
~•~
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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David, David, David... Every time you try to tell me that you're not a great writer, you go and post something like this just to prove me right over and over again.  You have a real skill for making every single word count, and sometimes count several times over. Like this, one of several references to flashing lights: More than anything, he needed to know. Clark closed his eyes, desperate to remember, and let the darkness swallow him. The bullets of light hung in the air around him, suspended in the vast nothingness. Like a country sky on a crisp winter night. If he reached out...
But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was too... scared... To Clark, it's all part of the confusion in his head, but the reader knows that he's partly remembering being in space chasing Nightfall. Yet it's such a subtle reference, tucked away amid the vivid image of a country sky in winter. So descriptive, so succinct and so effective. I'm in awe.  Then there's Clark's slow, painful acceptance of the truth: that what he thought were his memories weren't real at all. The evidence had been staring him in the face all day. The way she’d flinch away from him when he’d touch her. The wedding photo that wasn’t on his mantle. The longing that wasn’t in her eyes...
Lois Lane wasn’t his wife.
Wasn’t his lover.
Wasn’t his. I've told you before, but I just love the way you repeat the 'wasn't his' in ever-shortening phrases. Very effective, again, and a punch in the gut in the way it shows his pain.  And finally... the way he picks up on her loneliness, her fear of being alone, her need to be loved. This just made me sigh and dissolve in a puddle of angsty mush: He *remembered* that.
There was... fire... mud... and... Lois’s sad voice. She was... she’d been hurt in the past. That was why he’d never... why he’d waited. She... the things she’d told him... that was why he’d never said... and why he had to now...
She deserved... she needed to know that someone loved her.
“But I do love you, Lois,” Clark said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Great flash of memory, vividly shown, and of course with no inhibitions whatsoever, no memory of her telling him not to fall for him, he has to come straight out and tell her what his heart tells him she needs to know: she is loved. He loves her. And, of course, you have to leave us hanging not much beyond there... ARGH!! I hope you're making decent progress on part 4 by now! Wendy 
Just a fly-by! *waves*
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Hi, Great part.  More ASAP, Please. MAF 
Maria D. Ferdez.
---
Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
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He tried to convince himself, even as he swiped at his stinging eyes, that he hadn’t actually lost anything. He tried, but it was that thought, more than any other, which was the hardest to bear. Heartbreaking. “You don’t remember me, Clark!” She paused, closing her eyes. Her next words were quiet... barely a whisper. “I’m not... I’m not someone you’d love. I’m not... a nice person.” Oh, Lois. Seriously, seriously good stuff. It's a mark of a great writer when every word counts and it truly has here, as Wendy has pointed out. Your writing is infused with meaning, and it's the kind I'd like to read over and over again, to discover something new in the story each time. I'm really looking forward to the next part. Thank you, David. *goes back for that second reading*
Chris
"Superman is a guy who's seen wonders we'll never see and Lois is to him, one of those wonders."
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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David, You're gonna have to come with a better posting schedule than this. This is a story so touching that if you'd just finish posting it I wouldn't be able to put it down. 
I'm a firm believer in the fact that God doesn't put any more on us than we can bear. He does however make us come to Jesus every so often.
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Blogger
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Blogger
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The nagging feeling was back, pulsing through his veins, overwhelming, like the roar of a jet over an uncharted valley. I like this line. It is improving and getting more interesting. I did not like the first chapter though. It was basically plagarism. There was not much to it besides being the episode written out with some small parts added. But the last two chapters have been an improvement. You write well. There are some small things you need to work on. It takes away from the good parts. The problem is that you are trying too hard. It is obvious in your writing when you try to write suspense. There is too much, and when a story has too much, it becomes a little boring. The part where you said he was running up the stairs was confusing. It took me a little while to realize what you meant. You said "up the stairs" when the impression was that Lois was outside or downstairs some where. I even went back and read the chapter before just to understand, I was so confused. Maybe you should have left that part out and wrote that he just "bounded towards the door"? You are abusing the ellipse. I think that you are using it to create suspense? Try using more suspenseful words in their place instead. Weave a suspenseful situation with words, not ellipses. I do not know if you are aware, but when you end a sentence with an ellipse, there are four dots. When it is within a sentence, you use three. You really should get someone to proofread it and tell you these things so you can improve. You can write well, it is obvious, but it can also be improved.
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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David, For what it's worth, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I think this story is great! 
I'm a firm believer in the fact that God doesn't put any more on us than we can bear. He does however make us come to Jesus every so often.
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
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Digitalsky, just a brief response: a lot of what you're commenting on is stylistic and a matter of preference rather than right or wrong. But I do have to point out that the first section was certainly not plagiarism. David did re-use lines of dialogue from the episode, but they were used to create different meaning, and those lines were also only a small part of the section. There was plenty which was his own work. Finally, you're probably not aware that this: I do not know if you are aware, but when you end a sentence with an ellipse, there are four dots. When it is within a sentence, you use three. is a US grammar rule, which does not apply in many other countries where English is the primary language - including Australia, which is where David is from. Wendy
Just a fly-by! *waves*
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Merriwether
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Wow! That was amazing! I can't think of any other word to describe your writing. Amazing!
Jackie
Superman: I hear you've been looking for me.
Lois: All my life.
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Blogger
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Originally posted by Wendymr: Digitalsky, just a brief response: a lot of what you're commenting on is stylistic and a matter of preference rather than right or wrong.
But I do have to point out that the first section was certainly not plagiarism. David did re-use lines of dialogue from the episode, but they were used to create different meaning, and those lines were also only a small part of the section. There was plenty which was his own work.
Finally, you're probably not aware that this:
I do not know if you are aware, but when you end a sentence with an ellipse, there are four dots. When it is within a sentence, you use three.
Wendy I don't care.
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Features Writer
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Features Writer
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What, just six parts?
Also, I'm enjoying the style.
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Pulitzer
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If you don't care, Digitalsky, then why post comments at all? Wendy
Just a fly-by! *waves*
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Pulitzer
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Well I loved it David and isn't that all that really matters  Laura;)
Clark: “If we can be born in an instant, and die in an instant, why can’t we fall in love in an instant?”
Caroline's "Stardust"
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Okay, so I wasn't going to post until you'd finished your story (so hurry up already, hmmm?). But seeing that the discussion seems to be about plagiarism and three or four dots... David, I'm amazed how things like these can ever be the topic of discussion of your story. Plagiarism? I've never read anything like your story before, so believe me, it was high time somebody did it. What you have given us is beautiful and lovely. As for three or four dots, give me a break already. I'm from Sweden, and here we only ever use three dots, but honestly, who cares??? I'm a teacher, I have to read far more essays than I think is a lot of fun, and believe me: if a writer gets all of his dots and question marks and what not right, but hasn't got anything important or heartfelt to tell you, then his story remains uninteresting. Not only does David get his dots right, if you ask me, but his story is something we LnC fans should be extremely happy about!!!
David, your story is the best I've read in a long time. Love it! Go ahead and post some more now, quickly!
Ann
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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I see you've picked up a troll. What a comment on your popularity, Dave. Should I be jealous?  “I’m not... I’m not someone you’d love. I’m not... a nice person.” Awww. Sure you are, Lois! He might not have her love, but he had her trust, and he knew... somehow, that was important. Yeah! Love this line. Great, great part. I love how you suck me in every time.
**~~**
Swoosh --->
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Top Banana
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Another explosive posting on an ingenuous premise! He’d watched her leave in slow motion, a million thoughts running through his head. Perfectly alludes to Clark's confusion, fear and frustration. Like a rubber band that had stretched too far. It’d left his ears ringing.
***
The grain of the wood dissolved before his mind’s eye to reveal the street beyond and the image of a crying woman huddled on his doorstep. Specifically adore the sneaky references to Clark's superpowers, intentional or not. The images in his head... his memories... were fading into a blur of colour, sound and... emotion. Each time becoming a little rawer. A little more abstract. A little harder to hold onto. Clark's images, his fantasies are morphing into abstractness with every passing second, yet his insistence to call them his memories... Superb! She’d shattered everything with her shocked words, but he couldn’t believe she would have lied to him. The guy's had his world crumble, yet, he seeks to trust the woman. Gotta admire him. The wedding photo that wasn’t on his mantle. The longing that wasn’t in her eyes... Whoopsies to things that are not there... yet. The nagging feeling was back, pulsing through his veins, overwhelming, like the roar of a jet over an uncharted valley. He needed to be somewhere. Needed to do something. Were it not for these pesky *naggings* of his, I could have conveniently forgotten he needs to do something else besides seeking Lois. The sense of belonging that had calmed him, the warmth that infused him, had retreated with her, leaving him cold and empty. He’d felt bereft as the feeling of... rightness had shattered with the slamming door. Linkage of physical events and emotional manifestations are simply fabulous. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was too... scared... And here's the crux of the matter succinctly put. Fear of the unknown. And then she was. She was huddled on his stoop, just as he’d imagined her. Clark, stop imagining and start embracing your... destiny. She probably wouldn’t welcome his touch... she’d probably think...
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, turning away from him. “I’m sure... I know you’re... confused. You don’t need to be around someone who’s going to fly off the handle because you...when you... you don’t need that.”
Clark pushed his frustration aside. Clark's thoughtful caring and Lois' frustration immediately followed by Lois' heartfelt empathy and Clark's helplessness... Wow! “No,” she affirmed.
***
“Yeah.” Her face flushed. Lois' one-worded answers display her state of mind precisely. They were real. Some of them at least, the one with the blue silk... that was still negotiable. LOL! Feeling her tears soak through his shirt was... heart breaking... it tore at him, but at the same time, it was... grounding. Again, WOW!!! You can't just end there, David. How can you just invite us in and then... end the part?  (imho) Overall, superbly done! ~Ankit
If she had to move heaven and Earth, perhaps come back to haunt Perry and explain the story after they'd killed her, she would do it.
Waking a Miracle by Aria
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Beat Reporter
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Back to comment properly later, but... Originally posted by digitalsky: I don't care. 
'I just kind of died for you;
You just kind of stared at me'
- Aurora, Foo Fighters
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Beat Reporter
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It is improving and getting more interesting. I did not like the first chapter though. It was basically plagarism. There was not much to it besides being the episode written out with some small parts added. *I apologies to Wendy and the administrators in advance for going off topic but I have to say something.* Dave is an excellent writer and I know in anyway would NEVER plagiarize work from the show or others. He has been a BR for me and many others. He is a great person, motivator and friend who posts his stories for our support and CONSTRUTIVE Criticism. If you post again in the future just keep in mind we are a nice message board of great people and I personally don't like when other fans accuse of plagiarism and are not positively supporting others. To Dave: Keep up the great work and I love this story soo much! Very sweet and I can't wait for part four! ~Lois Lane Wanna Be
"Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen Hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
Laugh.
Choose with no regret.
Continue to learn.
Appreciate your friends.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is."
~Mary Anne Radmacher
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Columnist
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Columnist
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AMAZING addition to this story! Absolutely fantastic! Your writing is so amazingly evocative and eloquent. This chapter was pure heartbreak on both their parts...brilliant stuff. I loved the line about the memory of Lois' outfit during the dance of the seven veils...a perfect dose of humour just where it's needed most. This story has it all! I hope you post more very very soon!
Spike: "There's a hole in the world...feels like we ought to have known."
-Angel
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Boards Chief Administrator Pulitzer
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Boards Chief Administrator Pulitzer
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I'm terribly sorry to take away from David's feedback to address what seems to be pointed, personal attack on this author, but I feel this needs to be addressed. Digitalsky said: You really should get someone to proofread it and tell you these things so you can improve. You can write well, it is obvious, but it can also be improved. Actually, David did have it proofread, or, as we like to call it, beta read. I am one of David's beta readers. I'm an English Education major at the University of Arizona. Another of David's beta readers is a university professor. I really take no insult from your comments, as I know it doesn't matter what you think is the "correct" way of writing - as mentioned previously, it's a stylistic preference. Also, it's hard to take writing criticism seriously from someone who has spelling errors and missing punctuation in his (her?) post. It is improving and getting more interesting. I did not like the first chapter though. It was basically plagarism. There was not much to it besides being the episode written out with some small parts added. The plag iarism issue has already been mentioned as well, but I just wanted to point out that *most* fanfiction contains direct quotes from the episodes included. Really, how would we have fanfic otherwise? Anyway, I'll repeat what someone else said: If you don't care, why comment? Sara
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