From Part 1:
Did she understand yet? Could she even begin to see what he was trying to tell her?
She didn’t know him at all. Hadn’t a clue what his life was like. Had no idea what he went through day after day.
“It’s not all about the flying and the heroics, Lois. My life. It’s... sometimes it’s just dealing with one tragedy after another. Ever met a burned-out firefighter or cop or soldier? Ever thought what it must be like to live with someone like that?”
He wasn’t burned out, of course. Or suffering from PTSD or any other trauma symptoms. But on the other hand, Lois had never seen him immediately after he’d been helping at something like that earthquake. Even as Clark. By the time he’d return to his normal life after being involved in that sort of disaster, he’d always have gone to see his parents - whose soothing presence comforted even if they could never take the pain away - and spent some time on his own to try to recover.
Again, she was silent for a long time. And then, finally, she said, “You really think I’m that shallow? You really think that I never realised this is the sort of stuff you face? You really think that by showing me this you’re going to scare me out of loving you?” She shoved at his shoulders. “I think you’re the one who doesn’t know me, Superman.”
**********
Now read on...
He really did have one hell of a low opinion of her, didn’t he?
Why had he ever bothered to spend time with her, if that was what he thought?
Because he had. Before tonight, when he’d arrived at her apartment obviously angry with her for some reason, he’d sought her out a few times. Appeared at her window for no apparent reason at all, come inside, spent a few minutes talking, before making his excuses and leaving. He’d come to speak to her, too, sometimes, when they’d met at some emergency or other.
He’d even told her, once, that she was special to him.
So... just what was all this about? This attempt to prove that she knew nothing about his life, that she didn’t understand what he went through day after day, that she couldn’t possibly cope with knowing the worst of what he had to deal with?
He hadn’t answered her accusation. He’d just kept flying, his face averted from hers, his expression impassive. And it was pretty damn obvious what his intention was. He was taking her home. He’d bring her back to her apartment, set her down, bid her goodnight and fly away. He’d made up his mind about her and he had no intention of revising it.
No matter what she said -
No. She wouldn’t allow that. And if he thought she would he really didn’t know Lois Lane.
“Superman.” Her tone was colder than she’d ever imagined it could be, addressing him. But he’d hurt her. And, loving him as she did, the hurt was worse, far worse.
It seemed to surprise him, too, because he frowned as he turned to look at her. “Yes?”
“Put us down somewhere. I don’t care where, but do it now.”
He sighed. “I’ll have you home in ten minutes.”
So she’d been right about his intentions - but that was no surprise. “I don’t want to wait that long. I want to talk to you, and I can’t do it while we’re flying.” Besides, if she made him land somewhere then he couldn’t just fly off, could he? And he wouldn’t just pick her up and carry her off without her permission. Not when she’d expressly asked him to put her down.
A louder sigh this time. “If you insist.” And then they were drifting downwards.
There were mountains beneath them, snow-topped even in May. Wherever they were, it was a high altitude. As they came closer, she saw the mountains stretched out below them for miles all around, spectacular in their beauty, all rock and snow and ice at the peaks, and lush green slopes lower down. Streams and rivers and waterfalls cascaded over rocks, and morning sunlight glinted over all of it.
Further below, there were houses on the very lowest slopes - actually, chalets, picture-postcard in their wood-framed beauty - and then the tiny roofs and streets of what had to be a town in the deepest valley.
“This... it’s stunning!” She couldn’t hold back the breathless exclamation. “Where are we?”
“The Alps.” Even the curtness of his explanation couldn’t dampen her pleasure in the scenery all around.
“Switzerland?”
“No.” They touched down in a little valley, deserted apart from them. The village, the houses, even the cable-cars running up the mountainside, were invisible from this point. “Italy,” he told her as he set her on her feet. “Actually, to be more precise, we’re in the Dolomites - the Italian Alps. The town down there, on the other side of that - ” He gestured towards the mountain to their right. “ - is Cortina D’Ampezzo. In the winter, it’s a popular ski resort. In the summer, people come to enjoy the scenery, hike, that sort of thing.”
“Wow.” Awed, she walked around a little, gazing at the enormous white-tipped peaks all around them, the narrow paths leading both up and down, a stream winding and gushing its way through rocks and crevices close to where she stood. Beautiful spring flowers pushing their way through the grass. And such a sense of peace. Utter silence, apart from the occasional bird.
And such a contrast from where she’d been a mere twenty minutes ago.
Maybe, now, she could understand how he did it. This... this beauty, this peace, couldn’t completely wipe away the memories - nothing could do that, and she’d never want it to - but it could soothe. It could restore... something... to a grieving, aching soul. Whatever it was about a place like this... something to do with its serenity, it sheer timelessness. That these mountains had been here for many thousands of years, and would still be here when everyone she knew was dead and gone. That while time and the weather - and pollution, of course - could cause damage, erosion, these mountains would stay pretty much the same for centuries to come.
Natural disasters would still continue to happen. Hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, cyclones, volcanic eruptions would continue, and people would still die as a result. Some would die because of the failings of humankind - inadequate investment in safe construction, or a disregard for what the forces of nature could do to those who build in dangerous places. But there was plenty on this planet which was unchanging. And beautiful.
On this planet...
Slowly, she turned back to look at him. He was standing where he’d touched down, unmoving, arms dangling by his side, just watching her, his expression unreadable. Something in his posture signalled impatience, though. Hardly surprising; she was the one who’d insisted on landing, insisted that she wanted to talk.
Abruptly, she walked back to him. Something he’d said to her once, many months ago, was nagging at her. Something that, without a doubt, was important. “What happened to your planet? To Krypton?”
Whatever he’d expected her to say, it clearly hadn’t been that. After a moment, his shocked look disappeared. “It’s gone.”
“Gone?”
He sighed. “It exploded. I don’t know any more than that. It happened... years ago. I was just an infant.”
Exploded? And he’d been... a baby? A toddler? And he’d been alone ever since? Homeless, too, until he’d come to Earth. Where had he been all those years? Drifting around in space? How long had it been, anyway? How old was he now? In human appearance, he looked to be something between twenty-five and thirty, but that was meaningless. Who knew how Kryptonians aged? He could be the equivalent of a thousand years old - or he could be around ten.
Put that way... there was a lot she didn’t know about him.
All the same, was any of that important? What mattered was the man his actions showed him to be. Everything else was just details.
His planet. Gone.
Was that what drove him to keep saving humans from the consequences of humanity’s own mistakes?
“Oh, Superman.” She stepped closer, extending her hand towards him.
*********
This was going from bad to worse. Any moment now, she was going to tell him how well she understood him again. That she knew how lonely he was. That she knew he needed comfort...
...and she was going to offer it.
He turned away. “Lois, I thought you had something important you wanted to talk about. Unless you do, then I’m going to take you home. I don’t have all night.”
He heard her faint gasp. Shock? Hurt? Anger? It didn’t matter which. He was going to take her home now, and then he’d avoid being alone with her as Superman ever again. He’d been his own worst enemy in the way he’d encouraged Lois in his Superman guise. Tonight, her protestations of love, was only the result of that, and it was all his own fault.
Now, even if it killed him, he had to convince her that she didn’t love him. Even if it made her hate him in the process... even as part of him was starting to hate her.
Love and hate... two sides of the very same coin.
Superman would keep well away from Lois Lane in future. He’d probably stay away from her as Clark too.
“Okay.” She had herself under control now, her tone level though containing a hint of... yes, it was definitely anger. “Yes, I wanted to talk to you. I want to know... what the hell is this all about? I mean, it’s not that I have a problem with you taking me to Pakistan. I... I won’t pretend it was easy, or pleasant... but I’m glad I saw what it’s really like for myself. Because now I’ll know. I’ll understand even better than before. But... what do you think you’re trying to prove? That I don’t understand what it’s like for you? That I haven’t always understood, and... and admired you for it? Loved you for it? Do you really think I’m that shallow?”
She’d made that accusation before. Just before she’d made him land.
Lois, shallow?
Yes.
She couldn’t see what was right under her nose. Swore up and down that she loved Superman, would love him if he were an ordinary man, yet rejected that ordinary man outright when he laid his heart at her feet. Thought she was such a great investigative reporter, the best in the business, able to see through lies and deceit at a thousand paces, yet she never saw through his deceit, in either guise. Worse, she believed that Lex Luthor was really a good and honourable man. A man she was actually considering marrying.
He spun around to face her. “Yes, I think you’re shallow.”
Her jaw actually slackened. “That’s... not fair. I know you don’t know me, if you think that.”
“Really? Not fair, is it?” He gave her a level stare. “How about this, then. Today, you turned down the love of... someone you know.” He’d faltered, unsure how to describe himself as Clark. A friend? Was that even accurate any more? “You then asked him to tell me that you wanted to see me. You didn’t even attempt to make up an excuse for why you wanted to see me - so you left it obvious that you’d rejected him but were going to run to me. You hurt him and you didn’t even care.”
She flinched. He ignored it. “And let’s not forget your... oh, let’s call him your contingency plan.”
Her sharp intake of breath seemed to echo around the valley. “My...?”
“Your contingency plan. Lex Luthor. Or am I wrong in assuming that the only thing preventing you from accepting his proposal was needing to know if...” He paused for a second, then quoted her, a sardonic tinge to his voice. “If there’s any hope for us.”
A flush was spreading over her face. As he continued to flay her with his words, she started to tremble.
A faint hint of guilt stabbed him. He’d never spoken to anyone so harshly before, and never imagined that he would to her. But... she deserved it. Every word he’d said was true.
If she started crying...
He sighed. Even angry, as he was tonight, as he had every right to be, he couldn’t resist her tears. If she cried, he’d end this right here and take her home. He’d probably said enough to kill any feelings she thought she had for him stone dead anyway.
But, abruptly, the trembling stopped. She took a shuddering breath and tilted her chin to look at him. “You seem very... personally bothered by this. For someone who claims to have no feelings for me.”
Oh, she still had claws, then. Of course, he’d never said that he didn’t have feelings for her. Not that he had any intention of pointing that out.
How was it possible to love someone with every breath of your being, and hate them at the same time?
There should be no guilt. She deserved to hear this. All of it. Ignoring her accusation, he continued, “And let’s not forget your inability to see what’s right under your nose. You look at people - people you claim to know well - and you never see what they really are.”
Her jaw shot up at that. “You mean Lex? You and Clark really have been talking, haven’t you? He’s always trying to make out like Lex is some... some crime lord or something...”
“He is.” The words were bitten out. “But if you’d ever really been looking you’d have seen that for yourself.”
“And just what am I supposed to be looking for?” She glared at him, a very familiar expression. It was exactly the way she’d glared at him - at Clark - the last time he’d tried to convince her to think again about Luthor.
He shook his head. It really wasn’t worth the trouble of trying to convince her. If she didn’t want to see it, then she wouldn’t. It was as simple as that. “It’s not only Luthor, anyway, Lois. There are... other things... you never notice, too.”
“Such as?” she demanded.
“Things that make your claim that you know me to be pretty much of an insult.”
*********
What the hell did he mean by that?
Come to think of it, what did he mean by a lot of other things he’d been saying? And why did he seem so... almost personally upset by what she’d said to Clark?
He was right, though. She had hurt Clark. And it wasn’t even a defence to say that she hadn’t intended to. She’d been thoughtless. That was every bit as bad.
She’d call him tomorrow and apologise. If there was any way to apologise without making things worse, of course... But, whatever she said, it wasn’t going to be easy to talk to him. How could they possibly go back to the easy friendship they’d had for months now that he’d spoilt it all by falling in love with her?
Spoilt it... but that made it sound as if it was Clark’s fault, and that wasn’t fair. He was a good man - one of the best. Special. And the most important person in her life... well, apart from Superman.
Clark couldn’t be in love with her. How could he? He knew her too well. Way too well. He’d seen her fits of temper, her impatience, her perfectionism. The way she treated him. He couldn’t love her. And she... she liked him too much to allow herself to fall in love with him.
Besides... She loved Superman. Not that he was being very lovable right now...
“What sort of things?” She glared at him. “Of course I don’t know everything about you! But I know enough to know what sort of person you are. I know your ethics. I know you care. I know how much it hurts you when you can’t save someone. I’ve never thought that the powers were all you were - there’s so much more to you than that.” Despite her anger, her voice began to crack as pain set in. “And, frankly, Superman, it hurts that you don’t believe me. It hurts that you’d think I’d ever want to insult you.”
He wasn’t looking at her. His fists were clenched and he was swallowing. There was obviously something upsetting him, making him angry with her. But... what?
He shifted his gaze to her suddenly. “You really think you know me?”
“Yes! Of course I do!”
He took a deep breath. “Okay, so tell me this. If you know me so well, what do you think I do when I’m not out on rescues?” It was more an accusation than a question.
What did he do?
But... wasn’t he always off somewhere, helping someone? Well, apart from the few occasions he’d come to see her, or was spending time with Clark - he did give Clark exclusives occasionally, so that had to be how he spent some downtime. But... was that all?
“See? You don’t know. You haven’t a clue. It never even occurred to you that I might have a life apart from this, did it?”
No. It hadn’t. What was he saying?
She ran a hand shakily through her hair. This was important. This was big. What did he mean? That he had a whole other life she knew nothing about? But what sort of life? Where?
Was he... oh, god, was he married? With a family? Maybe he wasn’t the only survivor of Krypton after all. Maybe...
But, if he were married, he’d never have kissed her. Surely he wouldn’t. And he had kissed her. And told her that he loved her.
Though he’d been affected by the pheromone... and she’d seen what that had done to Perry. He’d made a complete fool of himself with a woman he might have had a mild attraction to, but no real feelings for. And that was in spite of all the love he felt for Alice.
She had to ask. “Are you... married, Superman?”
He looked surprised at that. “No. I’m not.”
“Then what? What are you trying to tell me?”
His mouth tightened. “That you know nothing about me at all, Lois. That when you said you’d still love me even if I were an ordinary man...” His hands formed into fists once more. “You were lying. Because I am an ordinary man, and you don’t.”
**********
Oh god.
He hadn’t actually said that, had he?
She was staring at him, slack-jawed. The anger she’d been firing at him for the last few minutes had disappeared entirely and she was simply... stunned.
Oh god. How could he have let that slip out? How could he have lost control of himself so badly...
Yes, he’d been furious at her audacity, back at her apartment, to claim that she knew him. That she’d love him if he were an ordinary man. But he’d had a plan to deal with that.
She’d wrecked his plan, of course. To begin with, she hadn’t been convinced by what he’d shown her - once again, as she somehow always managed to, she’d come up with the right words. First, showing him why what he did was important. And then denying that any of it affected the way she felt about him.
Then she’d insisted that they needed to talk... and her refusal to react the way he’d wanted - expected - had just triggered something in him. Anger. Rage. A need to wound, the way she’d wounded him.
He’d called her shallow.
He’d called her blind.
He’d insulted her intelligence.
And now he’d told her that he - Superman, her hero - wasn’t even real.
Had he given away his identity in the process?
“What do you mean by that?” Finally, she was speaking. Shaking her head, sounding completely confused, she said, “You’re an ordinary man? But how...?”
Okay, maybe she hadn’t understood. Just because it was screamingly obvious to him, there was no reason why it should make sense to her. After all, it had so clearly never occurred to her that there was anyone under the Suit. That the Suit could just be a disguise. She’d always seen Superman as real, transparent, no more and no less than what he appeared.
He was safe. He hadn’t destroyed himself after all.
And Lois was still blind.
It was crazy, but part of him, over the past year, had actually hoped that she’d figure it out for herself at some stage. Because there was that part of him that wanted her to know. And, too, because she was a great reporter. Lois working it out would have restored his faith in her investigative abilities, faith which had been badly damaged by her complete inability to see through Lex Luthor.
But she still didn’t suspect a thing. He was safe.
And now he had to get out of here before he did anything else stupid.
“Forget it, Lois. It doesn’t matter.” His tone was clipped. “I have to go now. So, unless you want to be stranded here...”
She wasn’t happy about that. The frustrated look she gave him made that clear. Lois Lane never liked it when she couldn’t get all the answers.
But, while she’d have argued with Clark, there wasn’t a lot she could say to Superman. She sighed and said, “If you have to.” Her tone made it clear that she wasn’t satisfied. She had a lot more to say.
Well, she could say it to herself. In the privacy of her empty apartment.
“Come on.” He stepped closer to her, then bent and lifted her into his arms.
This would be the final time he’d fly with her, other than if he had to rescue her. From now on, Superman was definitely staying well away from Lois Lane.
*********
...to be concluded in Part 3.
