The Write Stuff
This story takes place between the S3 episodes “Ordinary People” and “Contact.”
Chapter One
Thursday, early afternoon
Perry’s bullhorn bellow penetrated his office door and inundated the bullpen in its echoes. “Clark! Lois! Get in here! We got something really hot!”
Clark beat Lois to the doorway by scant inches, but still stepped back to allow her to enter first. She cut her eyes at him as if reinforcing her natural superiority, but only he saw the soft smile creasing the side of her face.
She skipped through the doorway and stopped in front of Perry’s desk. Clark closed the door and stood close but not quite touching her, just behind her left shoulder, and gazed admiringly at her profile.
“What’s up, Chief?” Lois asked. “City hall bribery scandal?”
Clark shifted his attention to his boss. “Corruption on the state ethics board?”
“Police brutality?”
“A new super-criminal on the loose?”
“Bio-terrorist threatens the city!”
“A cruise ship is in danger!”
“Carjackers are running loose in the suburbs!”
“The zoo’s koala is pregnant!”
Lois froze with her mouth open, then slowly turned to face her partner. “A pregnant koala? Are you nuts, Clark? That’s not a story worthy of the best investigative reporting team on the East Coast!”
“It stopped your babbling in its tracks, didn’t it? I win this round.”
“What? Why, you – “
Perry held his hands up. “All right, now, both of you just hush up! You haven’t even come close to this one, so I’ll spell it out for you.” He pointed at the chairs behind Lois and Clark. “Have a seat.”
Lois plunked herself down and leaned forward. “Okay, chief, spill it! What’s our next assignment?”
“It’s a juicy one. I figure you two deserve something meaty but not quite so dangerous after that Spenser Spenser fiasco.”
Lois frowned. “I thought we all agreed that the less said about that whole situation the better.”
Perry folded his hands and exhaled deeply. “You’re right, we did. Well, you two are assigned to this story as a team, but you won’t be working next to one another.”
Clark’s eyebrows folded inward. “What does that mean?”
“We’re coming up on the second anniversary of the arrival of the first colonists in space, thanks to Superman. EPRAD has given us the opportunity to have a reporter at their headquarters and send another to Prometheus to cover the celebration at the station. And – “
“The space station!” Lois began bouncing in her chair and waving her hand in the air like a second-grader with the right answer. “Oh! Oh! Perry! Pick me! Pick me!”
Clark put his hand on her arm and gently pulled it down. “Lois, I think I might be better suited to go to space than you are.”
“What? You Kansas hayseed, you wouldn’t know which way was up!”
“Space is a zero-gravity environment. There is no ‘up’ up there.”
“I’m the senior partner so I get to go!”
“But I’m stronger and better suited to handle the stress of liftoff – “
“Wrong answer, Clark! I’m smaller and won’t be as stressed by – “
“Hey hey hey!” Perry’s shout overrode both of them. “I like a lively debate as much as the next man, but there’s no volunteering on this one. The matter’s already settled.”
Clark grinned smugly. “Thanks, Perry.” He turned to his partner. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about it when I come back to Earth.”
Lois shot him an evil glare as Perry cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about this, but – you’re grounded, Kent. Lois is going to the station.”
Clark’s face almost fell off his head. “What!”
“Oh, Perry, that’s wonderful! Thank you!” She leaped over the desk and hugged her editor’s neck. “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!”
Perry patted her shoulder awkwardly. “That’s good, Lois, that’s nice, that’s very nice, in fact that’s quite enough, okay?”
She released him. “Oh, sure, sorry,” she giggled. Then she turned to Clark and momentarily stuck her tongue out at him.
He frowned back at her. “Promises, promises. Perry, why is Lois going instead of me?”
“Because we only have one hundred sixty-three pounds of mass available for a person, clothing, equipment, and anything else we send up. That’s all the room the next shuttle has left. I don’t know how much you weigh, Clark, but it’s gotta be more than that if you were in your birthday suit.”
Lois laughed and slapped her knee. “Clark Kent, the naked astronaut!”
Clark glowered at her. “Not funny. Space is cold enough as it is without totally exposing yourself.”
“Then I get the headline exposure by myself this time.” Lois clapped her hands together. “When do I go up, Perry?”
“You have the rest of the afternoon and tonight to get ready. EPRAD has already gotten the Planet’s background check on you and you passed. You have –“
“Background check?” she shouted. “Do they think I’m going to rob the place?”
“Everybody gets cleared or they don’t go up. The Planet has the right to do criminal background checks on its employees at any time. All of you signed the form last year.”
Perry lifted his index finger to forestall her next outburst. ”You’re legally cleared to go. Now listen.”
She put her hands on her hips and glared but didn’t say anything.
Perry nodded. “You have an appointment with the Planet’s doctor in three hours for your pre-flight physical exam. You don’t lift off until tomorrow morning at 5 o’clock, but you’ll have to be at the launch site by midnight to get fitted for your pressure suit and get your station issue coveralls. Don’t give me that look, young lady! Everyone wears the same thing up there.”
“That sounds so boring.”
“I’m sure it is, but it also cuts down on the station’s laundry bill. Now get a move on. Jimmy has all the research material you’ll need for your side of the story.”
“I’ll get on it right away.”
Clark stood with her. “Maybe we can have a going-away dinner tonight, Lois.”
Perry cleared his throat. “I don’t think you should do that. Lois is gonna need all the time she has between now and liftoff just to get started on the background material.”
“I know, Perry. But maybe I could help her study?”
He frowned at Clark. “I’ve heard that one before, son, back when my boys were in high school, and I know what actually gets studied. You have your assignment, she has hers, and you two can get together and compare notes when she gets back. Besides, she’s not supposed to eat a big meal for at least twelve hours before liftoff.”
Lois gave him a mock frown. “Oh, Perry, you’re just an old fuddy-duddy!”
He lifted his hands to his sides. “I’m only telling you what the EPRAD people told me. If you want to barf all over yourself in public, who am I to stand in your way?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be just fine.”
She turned to leave, but Perry stopped her. “One more thing, Lois.”
“What?”
“Um.” He pointed at her head. “It’s your hair.”
“Huh? What about my hair?”
“It has to go.”
“Go? Go where? Where’s my hair going, if not with me?”
Perry lifted a sheet of paper with EPRAD’s letterhead from his desk. “You more than qualify physically, Lois, unless the doctor finds something none of us know about, but they have a rule for anyone on the station that his or her hair cannot be more than three inches in length from the scalp.”
“What!” Lois pulled her locks around to look at them. “Perry! You’ve got to be kidding!”
“Is this my kidding face? Do I look like I’m kidding?”
Her mouth worked but no sound came out. Clark patted her on the shoulder. “I can have it made into a wig if you want.”
She spun and glared at him, and this time there was no hidden smile. “I don’t think jokes are appropriate at a time like this! Do either of you have any idea how long it took me to get my hair to behave at this length? And how much any professional woman has invested in her appearance?”
She took an angry step towards her boss. “My hair is part of me! You men, you get your hair lopped off and just let it grow back willy-nilly and you just comb what little there is of it left however you want, but a woman has to work on her hair, work with her hair, coax it to do exactly what she wants it to do and then maybe – just maybe – sometimes it looks halfway decent! How many men have you ever heard complain of a bad hair day?”
“Fabio?” offered Perry.
“Any 80’s metal band?” Clark responded.
She lifted her face to the ceiling in frustrated complaint. “Arrghh! Men!”
Perry lifted his hand in finality. “Them’s the rules, Lois. Cut your hair short or don’t go.”
“Perry – “
“I don’t make these rules, honey, I just enforce them. Besides, if you show up looking like that, they’ll either tell you to go home or pull out a pair of clippers and shear you bald.”
“They’d better not try something like that!”
“Then get your hair cut short.”
“Nobody stopped me when I sneaked on two years ago!”
“They didn’t have this rule then. They do now.” She snorted. Perry shrugged. “Okay, I’ll see if Peggy Wilkins can go. She’s already got pretty short hair and – “
“NO!” Lois almost lunged over the desk. “She’s rewrite, Perry, not field reporting! She can’t do investigations or interviews, not as well as I can! She won’t be able to do this story justice!” She took a deep breath and let it out explosively. “Fine! I’ll do it! I’ll do it for the paper! And for the story!”
Perry didn’t blink. “Okay, Lois. Jimmy has the address of a hairstylist who’s worked with EPRAD before. He knows how it’s supposed to be cut.”
“Why can’t I use my own stylist?”
“Can you get an appointment this afternoon?”
She chewed her lower lip for a moment, then shook her head. “No. No way. I’d have to book at least nine days in advance.”
“All right, then. See Jimmy and do your homework and be there tonight by midnight for the final prep. And make sure you do all your required reading.”
“Aw, Perry?” she whined. No response. As a last resort, she tried her puppy-dog face on her boss, but it ricocheted off the Kevlar sheath around his heart and whined harmlessly out the window.
So she spun and marched past Clark into the bullpen. “Olsen!” she barked. “Come on. Let’s go destroy my hair.” Over her shoulder, she called out, “And I better not hear a single word about this from you, Kent!”
Thursday, mid-afternoon
Jimmy glanced nervously at the traffic zipping past them and began reading. “’Space Station Prometheus has been in a constant state of construction since its inception nine years ago. The first shipment of scientific personnel, a group of eight physicists who trained for the zero-gee environment at the EPRAD facility in Miami, arrived four years after assembly began. Since that time –‘”
“Skip the ancient history, Jimmy. I need current info.”
Jimmy leaned against the Jeep’s passenger door and steadied the EPRAD manual in his lap as Lois whipped around a city bus. “This is important, Lois. Perry said you’d need all the station history you can get.”
“Perry’s not writing this story, I am, and I only need to know what I need to know in order to get around the station. Where did you say this hair salon is?”
“North-east corner of Twentieth and Cooper. We’re about four blocks away.”
“Good. Now give me something about Prometheus I can use.”
Muttering to himself, Jimmy flipped towards the middle of the manual. “Here we go. ‘Station architecture.’ I know you’ll need this.”
“Then start reading!”
“Okay, okay! ‘Space Station Prometheus is laid out as a ring, which rotates around the hub, to which the ring connects with six tubular spokes, each being approximately fifteen meters in diameter and four hundred meters in length from hub to ring. Each spoke contains both person-accessible passageways, plus several or more tubes containing fuel, wiring of various kinds, access to scientific laboratories, and various storages.’” He stopped and made a face. “Eww. Who wrote this?”
“Probably some desk-bound bureaucrat with delusions of adequacy . There! Is that it? ‘Andre’s Temple of Coiffure?’”
“Bingo. Andre himself is waiting for us, and we have the exclusive use of the place for an hour.” Jimmy pointed to the right. “Look! A parking space! This has got to be fate or kismet or karma or something!”
Lois sighed as she expertly tracked the Jeep into the empty space. “It’s me, Jimmy. The universe is determined to give me short hair.”
Jimmy got out and fed the meter. “Hey, I’m surprised your hair hasn’t gotten blown off or burned off already, as many dangerous situations as you’ve been in over the years.”
She shot him a ‘don’t go there’ look and motioned for him to precede her into Andre’s. At least she could keep her hair for a moment longer, she thought.
The opening of the door set off a three-tone chime that reminded Lois of an old television network opening. She looked around to see the cleanest, shiniest, most effete room she’d ever been in. It was large enough to be called an atrium, and it was completed with skillfully placed plants and several impressive oil paintings on the walls. A painfully thin man of medium height and apparently no body fat smiled at them, then stepped from behind the marble reception area and lifted his slender but muscular ebony arms to the ceiling. She thought she recognized his face, but she couldn’t quite place him.
“Ah! Yet another worshipper at the shrine of Andre! Come in, come in.” His surprisingly deep and resonant baritone voice filled the room as he took Jimmy’s arm and tugged him towards one of the open cubicles spaced around the walls of the salon. “Come with me, my young friend, come with me.”
“We’re with the Daily Planet and – wait, I’m not – “
“Do not be alarmed, young sir, you will be absolutely divine when I have completed my ministrations!”
“Ministrations – wait a minute! I like my hair like it is! I don’t – ”
Andre shushed him with a look and an upraised index finger. “Young man, there are civilizations in our world today where hair such as yours might earn you prison time, and while that can be most instructive in and of itself, it is not the healthiest place for an up-and-coming youth.. Now, allow Andre to perform his appointed task, and we will create in you a true work of art!”
“No! Wait a minute! I don’t need a haircut!”
“Haircut? Bah! Andre does not do haircuts! Andre works magic, Andre performs miracles, and Andre will certainly need one today! Still and all, my good man, you will be irresistible when I have completed my transformation!”
Jimmy shot a pleading look over his shoulder. “Lois! Tell him you’re the one! Andre!” he begged. “Look, she’s the one! You’re supposed to cut her hair, not mine!”
Andre jerked to a halt and looked back at Lois, who was convulsed in suppressed laughter. He turned to Jimmy and said, “Are you certain of this?”
Jimmy slowly extricated his arm from the man’s grip. “Oh, yeah, I’m sure. She’s the one who’s going to the space station.”
Andre threw his hands in the air. “Oh! The Prometheus! I see! Young man, I do apologize.” He grasped Jimmy’s hands in his again and rubbed them with his thumbs. “I saw your hair and I so desperately hoped that – oh, please forgive me.”
Jimmy cautiously drew his hands away from Andre. “No problem, man, it’s okay, it’s cool, really. Look, can you get started with her? She’s got a doctor’s appointment in a little over two hours and I’ve got a lot of information to give her.”
“Of course, of course!” He turned to Lois. “You must be Lois Lane. Please forgive me for not recognizing you.”
She fought to contain the chortle that desperately wanted to escape. “That’s okay, you were – distracted.”
Over Andre’s shoulder, Jimmy gave her a warning look, and it had as much effect on her as her own puppy-dog look had had on Perry. Andre stepped forward. “If you are ready, Miss Lane, we can begin.”
Lois looked pointedly at Andre’s bare skull and asked, “Do you do your own hair?”
He laughed. “Oh, no! I shave my head. I am also a competitive swimmer, and hair impedes one’s progress in the water ever so slightly.”
She nodded. “Makes sense.” Then she sighed. “Well, I guess it’s lose the hair or lose a great story, maybe even a whole series of them. Let’s get to it.”
He guided Lois to a cubicle and pulled the curtain shut. Jimmy pushed it aside and stepped in. “Hey, is there any reason I can’t be in here too?”
Andre looked to Lois. “There are no body modesty issues of which I am aware, but many people do not wish others to see their new hairstyle before it is ready for a public unveiling. It is your choice, Miss Lane.”
Lois snorted. “Oh, come on in, Jimmy! Just don’t bump the man’s arm while he’s pointing sharp objects at my head.”
“Got it. This chair okay?”
Andre observed him disdainfully. “As long as you remain there and keep to yourself all of your comments pertaining to style, yes.”
Jimmy waved his free hand. “Don’t worry about that. I’m no fashion critic.”
“Good. Andre, start trimming. Jimmy, start reading.”
Jimmy opened the book again. “Let me find where I was.”
Andre stood back and studied Lois’s head. “Hmm. You have a well-shaped cranium, Miss Lane. Too bad you must cut your hair, this style compliments you. Ah, me, it cannot be helped. I shall begin.”
Lois closed her eyes. “Jimmy, you find your place yet?”
“Not yet. I’ll let you know.”
She sighed. “I’ll be here.” She shuddered as Andre ran a comb through her hair and snipped off a small bit. Deciding that any conversation was better than none, she said, “Andre, my boss told me you do a lot of hair for people going to the station. Do you know why I have to have my hair cut so short?”
“Yes. The longer one’s hair is, the more likely it is that a single strand will break away. On Earth, it occurs constantly and is not a problem, but in a very low-gravity environment, stray hairs will drift into machinery and jam air recycling fans, contaminate scientific experiments, and generally make a maintenance nuisance of themselves. You cannot simply restrain your hair with a net for the same reason. Also, hygiene is more difficult on the station. Washing long hair requires more water than washing short hair, and water is almost as important and expensive to recycle as is breathable air. And longer hair contains more inert microscopic particles and living bacteria and viruses that can be easily jarred loose, which things also go where they should not.”
Lois sighed. “I guess that means hair spray isn’t encouraged, either.”
Jimmy shrugged nonchalantly. “Afraid not. It’s on the ‘absolutely do not bring aboard’ list.”
“Great. Maybe I’ll just – “
“Ah!” Andre cried out.
Lois almost panicked. “What? What is it? What’s wrong? What did you do?”
He sighed deeply. “My dear young lady, I have uncovered your ear and it is quite lovely! As is your neck! My, my, perhaps this new shorter style will agree with you after all.”
Thursday, late afternoon
Jimmy’s voice droned on. “ ‘– and rotation of the station provides simulated gravity in the habitat ring and along the length of the spokes, although it is reduced as one traverses closer to the station hub, where there exists effectively zero gravitational pull.’ At least the quality of the writing hasn’t declined.”
Lois sighed. “Just read it, Jimmy, don’t critique it.”
“Okay, okay. Um, let me see – oh, yeah. Your quarters will be on the habitat ring, where the perceived gravity is about three-quarters Earth normal.”
Lois had almost forgotten Andre’s ministrations under the constant flow of information from Jimmy. “Perceived gravity? Oh, right, because of the rotation.”
Jimmy nodded. “There’s a sidebar with a technical explanation. It says that the spin of the station actually tries to throw you away from the hub – that’s the centrifugal force – but the outer ring stops you from falling, and since the station’s rotation is constant, you never catch up to it.”
She frowned. “I’m not sure I get that one.”
Jimmy shrugged. “That’s all it says. I don’t really understand it either.”
Andre stepped from behind Lois’s chair and put his hands on his hips. “It is quite simple. Permit me to demonstrate.” He unsnapped from his belt a ring of keys attached to a chain and held it up in front of Lois. “If I drop the keys – thusly – the key ring falls towards the local center of gravity, the earth. You may also say that it is falling away from my other hand, the one which holds the other end of the chain. Now please observe.” He stepped back and began spinning the keys on the chain. “Were I to release this chain, these keys would travel as far as their Newtonian energy would take them.”
Jimmy frowned. “Newtonian energy?”
“Newton’s Laws of Motion, young man. You should study them. The one which applies to this explanation states that an object in motion will continue in motion unless acted upon by another force, in this case, the chain, which only allows the keys to travel so far before pulling them in a circle.
“Now, because I do not release the chain, the keys, which are still trying to ‘fall away’ from my other hand, as the outer ring of the Prometheus constantly ‘falls away’ from the hub, are physically pulled at an angle away from the direction they are trying to fall. You see how all the keys are pressed on the key ring as far from my hand as they can be, do you not?”
Lois and Jimmy both nodded. “This is a simulation of the artificial gravity generated by the rotation of a spatial body. Just as the keys constantly press against the key ring, you, Miss Lane, will constantly press against the outside of the station’s habitat ring. The farther from the hub you are, the more pressure you will exert against whatever part of the station upon which you are standing.”
He caught the key ring and returned it to his belt. “You constantly ‘fall away’ from the station’s hub and also constantly have that angular momentum blunted by the floor of the ring, and therefore you have the simulation of gravity.”
He returned to her hair. “You will also have the simulation of weight, although you will feel somewhat lighter there than you do here. I should caution you not to jump from a higher point to a lower one while you are on the station. The additional velocity you generate by moving farther away from the hub will cause you to land harder than you would expect. A long fall might seriously injure you.”
He lifted his scissors and hesitated. “There is one other thing of which you must be aware. Low gravity equals low traction, which means that the lower the apparent gravity, the less you may rely upon the soles of your shoes to retard your momentum. The usual first injury for a new space station inhabitant is from colliding with a wall or another person while trying to stop or change direction using only one’s feet. The danger increases with proximity to the hub.”
Jimmy’s mouth stayed open for a moment before he recovered. “Wow! That was great, Andre! You should be a science teacher!”
Andre paused and fixed him with a laser glare. “Young man, science teachers earn but a pittance compared to the income which this shop produces, and they must deal with unruly and disinterested students on a daily basis.” He huffed and straightened his shoulders. “Without your own forced interest in the subject, I would never have mentioned artificial gravity or its effects to you.”
Lois decided to get Jimmy off the hook. “Come on, Mr. Information, give me more data. Read the book.”
“Uh. Yeah, right. Uh, it says that the spokes are mostly used for labs, storage, and air circulation – again with the uses of the spoke – and that the perceived gravity gets less the closer you are to the hub.”
“Makes sense, especially after Andre’s explanation.”
“Yeah. Let’s see what else – oh, this is good. The station can support a little more than three thousand permanent residents, but currently has only about eleven hundred or more adults aboard.”
Andre snipped some more of Lois’s hair. “That figure is somewhat out of date. There are slightly more than thirteen hundred people assigned to the station as of yesterday on either long-term or open-ended contracts, long-term being two years or more. And there are currently no children in permanent residence, save for a few who are undergoing experimental medical treatments, although quite a number of them travel there either with their parents or on some sort of scholastic voyage.”
Jimmy nodded and made a notation in the booklet he was holding. “Thanks for the update. We can put it in with the technical sidebar on the station.” He began reading again. “It also says that the station clock is synchronized with Greenwich Mean Time, which is four hours ahead of US Eastern daylight savings time, and they run three eight-hour shifts. Huh. They actually call them Alpha, Beta, and Gamma. The Alpha shift runs from eight AM to four PM, followed by Beta which runs to midnight, followed by Gamma which goes until eight AM. Meal and rest breaks are scheduled around the workload.”
Andre chuckled. “There was much debate about the scheduling at the beginning. A minority insisted that there should be four six-hour shifts, but others pointed out that such a schedule would leave workers with that much more free time, and since there were and are limited entertainment opportunities on the station, there would be that much more opportunities for the workers to create trouble. Obviously, the eight-hour faction succeeded in convincing the administration of the rightness of their position.”
Lois smiled. “How is it you know so much about the station, Andre?”
“It is a hobby of mine. I once had a yen to go to space, but I found fulfillment in other endeavors.”
Jimmy smiled. “Yeah. Kinda like CK what did.”
Andre stopped and spun on dancer’s toes, his hands on his hips. “And who is this CK person?”
“Clark Kent. He’s Lois’s boyfriend. He grew up on a farm in Kansas and he's traveled around the world, but – as you put it – he now ‘finds fulfillment’ reporting the news at the Daily Planet.”
“Ah. Your paramour, Miss Lane? Does he envy your opportunity to travel into space?”
Lois thought back to the days when Clark – as Superman – destroyed the threat from the Nightfall asteroid. “He said he wanted to go, but I don’t know that he’d enjoy it. As much as he’s traveled here on Earth, I’m not sure he’d like being closed up in a big tin can.”
“Perhaps not. Please forgive me for interrupting, Mr. Olsen. I will be silent so that you may continue.”
“Hey, no problem. I like hearing what you have to say. Let’s see what else we have here. Here we go. ‘The original location of the station in geosynchronous Earth orbit is now the home of the Firefall Waypoint Station. This facility can refuel a shuttle ascending to the Prometheus, and is the maintenance station for both the shuttle itself and the ion drivers which propel the shuttle to and from the Prometheus.’
“’The station now occupies the L5, or fifth LaGrangian point, in the solution to the orbital mechanics of the three-body problem relating to the Earth, the Moon, and the station.’” He stopped and looked at Andre. “I don’t suppose you could translate that one for me, could you?”
Andre sighed. “Do the high schools of this state no longer teach astronomy or physics? Never mind.” He picked up a bottle of hair spray. “Imagine that Miss Lane’s head is the earth and this bottle is the moon. The point between the two where the gravity of each pulls equally on an object is the L1 position, which is approximately two-thirds the distance from the Earth to the Moon. The L2 position is on the far side of the moon, here, and its stability derives from its orbital velocity canceling out the combined gravitational pull of the Earth and its satellite. The L3 position would be on the far side of the planet opposite Luna’s current position and would follow approximately the same orbital path as does the moon.”
He pointed again. “The L4 and L5 positions are at the corners of a rough equilateral triangle which intersects the Moon’s orbit at those points and has Earth as its third point, and where the gravity wells of Earth and the moon again pull equally against any object occupying the position and encourage it to travel in a stable orbit roughly following the path of the Moon. These two points are located ahead and behind Luna’s position in its orbit, respectively.
“Interestingly, there are clouds of space dust congregated at the L4 and L5 points involving our Sun and the Earth which were discovered in the nineteen-fifties and are currently being studied by remote probes. The L4 and L5 points are also the most stable of the five and are the logical places to park objects such as a station which have very little inherent maneuverability.” He put the bottle of hair spray down. “Is that a sufficient explanation?”
Even Lois’s eyes were wide. “Wow. I actually understood that. Thanks, Andre.”
A hint of a smile bent his lips. “Thank you.”
Jimmy asked, “Hey, Lois, have you asked anyone to house-sit for you while you’re gone?”
“House-sit?” Her eyes went wide. “Aggh! No! I didn’t even think about it! Are you by any chance volunteering?”
He shook his head. “Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got a two-week vacation to the Grand Canyon starting a week from Tuesday and I’m not missing that trip.” His eyes lit with an evil gleam. “Hey, I bet Ralph would be happy to – “
“No!” she barked. “Absolutely not! Don’t even think about that! No way I’m letting that slime mold near my personal space! If I had my way he wouldn’t work at the Planet! I’d rather have Lex Luthor come back to life!”
Jimmy’s mouth twitched. “Don’t beat around the bush, Lois, tell us how you really feel about the guy.”
“You know, there’s lots of comedy clubs with open mike nights. Why don’t you go find a couple? Preferably in Los Angeles. Or maybe New Zealand.”
“Ooh, that’s cold, lady. So, who’s going to watch your place while you’re gone?”
She sighed. “I guess I could ask Clark.”
He nodded. “CK would do it, for sure. You want me to give him your house keys?”
“Okay. I guess I won’t see him before I leave. Just tell him to feed my fish. I think I forgot this morning.”
“Sure. Assuming the little guys are still alive, that is.”
She sneered in his direction. “You and Clark are both hysterically funny. And tell him I like my mess and it better not be clean when I get back.”
Andre sniggered. Lois said, “What was that for? Did you mess up my hair?”
“Oh, no, Miss Lane. It is only that asking your friend not to clean your home will undoubtedly result in you having to step around empty pizza boxes and crushed soft drink cans when you return.”
She grinned. “Not Clark. He’ll have the whole place polished within an inch of its life. My apartment has never been as clean as he’s going to get it.”
Jimmy chimed in, “You’ll have real food in your refrigerator and pantry, too.”
Before Lois could respond, Andre stepped back and announced, “I have finished! It is yet another successful creation of Andre! Now, please observe for yourself the new Lois Lane.”
He spun her to face the nearest mirror. Lois gasped as she saw herself. Her beautiful long hair was gone! In its place was a wispy, reddish brown halo around her forehead and a ring of tiny strands around the sides, just touching her ears. It was short, it was station regulation length, and it was somehow perfect for her.
She stood and took his hand gently. “Andre, thank you! I was so afraid I’d end up looking like an Army recruit, but this is – well, it’s way better than I expected!”
He narrowed his eyes. “The style you describe as ‘Army recruit’ is actually the favored style on the station. It requires almost no maintenance and may be renewed by any unprepossessing chimpanzee wielding an electric trimmer and a vacuum hose.” He shuddered. “It is horrible to contemplate.”
She looked in the mirror again, turning from side to side to view the results. “Well, this isn’t horrible, it’s excellent! I like it. I like it a lot. I may keep it this length after I come back down to Earth.” Assuming Clark likes it, she thought.
Maybe, she considered, even if Clark doesn’t like it.
She opened her purse, but Andre waved her off. “No, no, Miss Lane, that is not necessary. The Daily Planet has taken care of my fee, including a generous tip.”
“Oh. Well, in that case, I’d like some of your business cards. I know some people who need to know about you.”
He smiled a little more. “Thank you, Miss Lane. I will certainly accommodate that request.”
As Andre turned to reach for the cards, Lois tossed Jimmy her keys. “Here, Jim, open the Jeep and let the hot air out.”
He caught them and lifted an eyebrow at her. “Gee, thanks, Lois. Anything else?”
“Yeah. Start it up and turn on the air conditioner. I’ll be out when it cools off.”
“Oh, be still my beating heart! I get to cool down Lois Lane’s Jeep!” He gathered his material and headed for the door. “This is indeed a red-letter day for Jimmy Olsen! I can die happy now that I – “
“Just cool it, Olsen!”
He stopped at the door and turned. “Cool it? Me or the car? Or maybe both? You really think I can handle all that?”
“No, but give it your best shot anyway.”
He shook his head and left the building.
“Perhaps you were a bit harsh with the young man.”
Lois shrugged. “Maybe so, but I need to ask you something, in private, something I didn’t want to ask you in front of Jimmy.” She turned to Andre and stuttered, “You’re not really – I mean, you’re really – you don’t really – do you?”
He put his hands behind his back. “Are you, by any chance, asking me if I am actually gay, Miss Lane?”
“Uh – well, yeah, I am.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re obviously very good with hair, and I need to know if I should send some of my male friends here. The straight ones, I mean.”
“Are you doing more research for your story?”
“No. This is only for my own satisfaction. I won’t print a word about this conversation no matter what you tell me.”
“I see.” A real grin spread over his face as he crossed his arms over his chest. He spoke in a far more relaxed tone. “I’m not the least bit gay, Miss Lane, but if that got out, I’d lose a big chunk of business. There are ‘society’ women in this city who wouldn’t trust a straight man within six feet of their heads, but they let me do their hair on a regular basis because I prance around like a newborn colt and flip my wrists at them. And,” he said as he wiggled his eyebrows, “they’re terrific tippers.”
Lois shared his laugh. “I won’t breathe a word of your secret, I promise. Either one of them.”
He lost his grin. “Other secret? What other secret would that be, Miss Lane?”
“That you’re also a closet scientist with a knack for teaching. Where do you do that, by the way?”
He sighed. “You’re as good as they say you are. I teach physics and calculus at Metropolis Community College, which is also where I do a lot of my swimming practice. Very few of my students belong to my circle of customers, and the inverse is also true, so there’s not much chance that my dual identity will be revealed.”
“I was right, you do have a secret identity.” She grinned and tapped him lightly on the chest. “I thought I recognized you from the Nightfall press conference almost two years ago. You were there taking notes, and I thought you were a reporter until you walked past two phones that weren’t being used. A real reporter would have knocked someone down to call in that story.”
“I seem to recall that almost happening that day. Am I imagining things?”
Lois blushed slightly. “No, you’re not, and I assure you that I’ve mended my ways since then.” She glanced at the door. “Gotta go. Jimmy won’t wait forever, and I’ve got some more studying to do before I leave.”
He stepped back into character and smiled at her. “Then I bid you a good afternoon, Miss Lane. Have a safe and pleasant journey.”
“Thanks, Andre. You keep that dual identity thing going. It can be rough sometimes, but the results are worth it.”
Lois walked out the door and smiled when she saw Jimmy pouting in the passenger seat. She climbed into the cool vehicle and gave him a light apologetic punch on the shoulder. “Hey, bud, thanks for the briefing in there. I didn’t even notice how long it took.”
“You’re welcome. Here.”
Without turning to face her, he held out two thin pamphlets to her, both facing down. Lois frowned and took them. “What are these?” She turned the first one over and read aloud, “Use of the zero-gravity toilet for women.” She looked up at him and tried not to laugh. “So – this is for – for me to read on my own?”
Still looking out the window, he replied, “That one and the other one.”
She turned the second one over and read aloud, “Disposal of feminine hygiene products aboard the Prometheus.”
She couldn’t hold it in any more. She sputtered, then leaned back in the seat and laughed aloud. “Oh, Jimmy, that was refreshing! Thanks for the homework.”
He turned towards her. “Homework? Oh, the pamphlets.” He reddened and looked straight out the windshield. “I’m sorry, Lois, but there’s no way I’m gonna read either one of those to you.”
She put the Jeep in reverse and quickly backed into a gap in traffic. “No problem. I probably would be laughing too hard to drive safely if you did.”
They lurched forward and swerved around another driver who backed out without looking. Jimmy grabbed the door handle to steady himself. “Whoa. Lois Lane, driving safely. What a stunning concept.”
She whacked him on the upper arm. “Ow! Hey! Lois, that really hurt!”
“Yeah? Well, the beatings will continue until morale improves, so shape up!”
Thursday, nine forty-eight P.M.
Clark opened his oven and sniffed, then smiled. The quiche would be ready soon, and for a change he was really hungry. He and Lois had spoken briefly by phone several times during the day, but he hadn’t seen her since she’d left for Andre’s, and he hoped she was taking the loss of her hair well. He’d gotten used to that longer style on her, since that was what her hairstyle had been since he’d met her, and he hoped it would grow back quickly.
His own EPRAD briefings had gone smoothly. He’d spoken at length with Dr. Billie Jo Parker, an astrophysicist on loan from Louisiana State University, and they’d established a comfortable rapport with her which he felt would allow him to get past the pat smiley-face answers and get to the root of what was actually happening, should anything important actually happen.
Just as he put the quiche on the table, his phone rang. He turned the Mozart CD down before answering. “Hello?”
“Hi, Clark, it’s Lois. How’s the party going?”
“Party? What party?“
“You know, the ‘girlfriend is out of town’ party. Sounds like a real swinging time over there. Wish I could come.”
“Nah, you’d hate it. It’s just a bunch of the guys from office. Ralph even showed up. Besides, the stripper grandma is just about to come out of the cake, and then we get to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.”
“Stripper grandma, eh? Taking off her long johns accompanied by Mozart?”
“You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy.”
She chuckled ruefully. “You and your wild idea of a bachelor party.” She paused and sighed. “You’re by yourself tonight, aren’t you?”
“Yep. You?”
“I wish I were. I’d have a lot more privacy.” She sighed again. “I’m in the ladies’ dressing room at the launch center, shivering in my station issue underwear, waiting for my pressure suit to be altered. They issued me four sets of coveralls a little while ago, too. They’re all dark blue, and you would not believe how unflattering those things are.”
“Lois, I wouldn’t believe anything could be unflattering if you’re wearing it.”
“Oh, Clark!” He heard a sniff. “Doggone it, don’t do that!”
“Do what?”
“Be so sweet to me over the phone when I can’t be with you and let you know how much I appreciate it.”
“In your station issue underwear?”
Her nose and her tone both dried in an instant. “In your dreams, Kent.”
“Well, you know you’re with me there, Lois. And not always – you know.”
Her voice turned low and sultry. “No, Clark, I don’t know. Tell me, how am I dressed in your dreams? How do I act?”
Even though he was alone, he felt himself turning pink. “You’re, ah, you’re, you’re very playful. Sometimes I imagine you turning cartwheels in cheerleader’s outfit, or leading the band as a drum majorette – “
“Cheerleader? Drum majorette?” She huffed at him. “I’m flying to outer space in a few hours, Clark, so I wish you’d be serious.”
He smiled. “Sorry. I’ll try to save up all the romantic stuff for when you get back.”
“I should think you would.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem for me. By the way, Jimmy gave me your house keys and your message. I’ve already trashed the place for you. The pizza fragments should be quite fragrant by the time you get back.”
“Good. I’d hate to come back to a clean apartment. It’d make me think you actually care for me or something.”
He smiled wider. “I guess we can’t have that happening. Hey, since I’m sure you haven’t had the opportunity, do you want me to give your parents a call and tell them you’re about to go into, over, and above the wild blue yonder?”
“What? NO!” she shouted. “You will NOT call my mother and tell her about this assignment! She’d go totally berserk! She’d fly up here and threaten to sue Perry, the Planet, EPRAD, and probably me too! She doesn’t even like me to drive in Metropolis!”
“That’s probably because she’s ridden with you.”
“Oh, ha-ha-ha, Mr. Funnypants. I suppose you could do better in a city full of Demolition Derby wannabees.”
“Maybe not. I don’t drive that much.”
“Of course not. You can just fly anywhere you want when you want.”
He paused. “That does bring up a point, Lois. Superman won’t be able to come to your rescue if you get in trouble up on the station.”
She sighed. “I’m going to write about the anniversary of the colonists’ arrival, Clark, not investigate a terrorist organization. I doubt I’ll need Superman’s help.” She sighed again. “At least, not his professional help.”
“I hope not.”
“Me, too. At least that would be different, not needing Superman’s help.”
He wisely chose not to pursue that subject any further. “Speaking of different, and being not so different, I found out this afternoon that you’ll have an e-mail account while you’re up there, and you’ll have access to the Planet’s database on the Internet feed. The station administration is setting you up just like a regular employee.”
“Good. Get ready for some sad and lonely e-mails from me.”
“Sad and lonely? You practically trampled me to get to this assignment.”
“That was before I realized I wouldn’t see you for almost two weeks.”
“Actually, I’m glad you’re the one who’s going. I was thinking about this assignment, and I realized that it might be a little awkward if Superman was out of the city at the same time I was on the space station.”
“Yeah, that might be hard to explain.” She paused, then continued, “You really think I should be going instead of you?”
“Of course. It’s the best solution for both of us. Besides, you’re an award-winning investigative journalist. There’s no reason to think you’ll do anything less than a totally terrific job.”
“Thank you.” She hesitated. “I’m – I’m really gonna miss you, Clark.”
He softened his tone. “I’m going to miss you, too. I guess I shouldn’t try to make you laugh any more?”
He could hear her wan smile through the connection. “Not tonight. But save the humor for when I get back. I have a feeling I’ll be ready for some corn-fed Kansas jokes by then.”
“I’ll pick up a Midwestern joke book at Maisie’s the next time I visit my parents.”
She laughed a little. “You do that. Oh, they’re back with my pressure suit. They’ve got to finish fitting me and I’ve still got ten thousand things to do before we lift off in the morning and I’m sorry but I have to go! I’ll e-mail you every day and I’ll see you as soon as I get back, I promise! Bye, Clark!”
She hung up abruptly, just before he could say, “I love you, Lois.”
Oh, well, at least the quiche was ready.
