Title: Terms of Endearment (3/?)
Author: angelic_editor
Rating: PG for mild language
Summary: This is a sequel to "Terms of Estrangement," which can be found
here . It's probably best if you read "Terms of Estrangement" first, as this takes place directly after the events depicted. Now, Clark and Lois deal with the repercussions of his revelation.
Feedback: Better than chocolate, especially since I'm so new at this. Be brutal; I welcome comments and criticism of all kinds.
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine; the words are. Please don't take legal action, as poor college students aren't worth suing, anyway.
Miscellaneous: What started out as a short vignette has turned into a multi-part story, thanks to the amazing feedback from readers! At first I was worried I couldn't do justice to the story I wanted to tell, but you've all been so wonderful and supportive that I find I can't stop writing! It's not always as fast as I'd like, but it's still evolving nonetheless. Seriously, guys, I can't thank you enough for your kind words of encouragement; I hope you enjoy.
Prequel - Part One Prequel - Part Two Part One Part Two ---------------------------------------
You're all the things that I desire
You save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe
— “Push,” Sarah McLachlanClark raked a shaking hand through his hair.
Don’t think. Just act.
Before he could talk himself out of it, he raised his fist and rapped on the smooth mahogany wood.
“Lois?” he called hopefully, listening for any sounds of movement inside the apartment and unconsciously straightening his tie.
No answer.
This is really not your day, Kent, he thought sadly.
Poor timing all around.
He turned away and stood for a moment, staring unseeingly down the hallway, wondering if a quick flight to The Planet would be any more fruitful.
She wasn’t there when I called, but maybe she was just away from her desk.
Clark set his jaw. He hated this feeling — indecision and apprehension had joined forces to form a Gordian knot in his stomach.
Just find her.
He squared his shoulders, exhibiting a physical confidence he didn’t feel, and headed for the exit.
* * * * *
Lois cradled her two brown grocery bags in one arm and slammed the hatch of her Jeep harder than necessary. The sound echoed through the parking garage.
Home sweet home, she thought darkly, her heels striking a staccato tempo on the dingy concrete as she walked toward the exit.
She should’ve felt satisfied, vindicated.
Something, surely.
She’d turned in a Kerth-worthy profile of Adam’s mother. It was human interest, an area Lois had thought she’d never write, thanks to the relentless nature of investigative reporting. But the woman had spoken so openly, so honestly during her responses to Lois’ every question that Superman’s —
Clark’s, Lois reminded herself — rescue had merely been a news peg for the story to hang on. It had turned into a heart-wrenching portrait of a mother’s love for her son without being saccharine or flowery, a mistake too many writers often made with such articles.
But she didn’t feel satisfied. Or vindicated.
In fact, she felt anything but.
Damn you, Clark, she thought hatefully.
Lois expelled a noisy breath.
I’m sorry, she amended, striding the short distance from the garage to her building’s entrance.
I didn’t mean it — I’m just angry. I’m sure you were doing something much more important than finalizing dinner plans with me. Like, you know, saving the world. Or something.
She walked up the short flight of steps to the main entrance, struggling to balance the two bags in one arm while she fished for her keys.
Note to self: Nordstrom’s tomorrow. Must buy a smaller bag to find keys faster.
Four flights of stairs later and just outside her door, she continued to fumble for the elusive key ring, her muscles beginning to protest.
The groceries were much lighter when she’d lifted them out of the Jeep, she was certain.
One of the perks of having a man around: heavy lifting. Wait, no. Don’t think about Clark. Not yet. You can cry when you’re inside.
She’d just hooked a finger around her key ring when the strap on her purse fell to the crook of her elbow, jarring her arm. The keys fell from their precarious perch on her finger, landing with a muted metallic jangle on the hall carpet.
Typical, Lois thought with an inward groan.
I can’t wait for this day to be over.
She moved to set her bags down so she could grab the offending keys.
“Here.”
Lois started at the unexpected voice. Before her brain had even registered the movements, her purse strap was back on her shoulder, her keys were back in her hand, and the groceries were taken from her arms.
She blinked.
“Clark?”
What are you doing here?Her dark eyes searched his face.
The scrutiny made Clark uncomfortable. His mouth was suddenly dry. He felt too warm. He’d forgotten everything he wanted to say, pinned by Lois’ penetrating gaze.
Focus. You’re here to finally make this right.
His heartbeat reverberated in his ears, a deafening cadence to his paralyzing ineptitude.
Don’t mess this up.
“Hi,” he said hesitantly, willing his voice to remain steady.
Lois opened her mouth to reply.
That’s it? ‘Hi’ — that’s the best you can do? Where were you this afternoon? I waited for you to come back to the office, and you never did. That hurt, you inconsiderate bastard.
But she swallowed back the angry diatribe. This wasn’t going to be easy for either of them, and bludgeoning Clark with such sharp words wouldn’t help.
“Hi,” she said finally. “Um — thanks.”
Clark looked down at the groceries in his hands. “It’s no problem, really.”
“How did you know ... ?”
Clark gave her a small smile. “I had just left and was walking by when you pulled into the garage.”
“Oh.”
So he does care, after all — enough to come over, anyway. Lois unlocked her apartment and opened the door, forcibly ignoring the small thrill that rippled through her. “After you,” she said quietly, watching him walk into the soot-streaked kitchen and place the bags on the counter.
Superman just carried in my groceries, she thought distractedly.
Lois closed the door, stepped out of her heels and tossed her purse on the couch. She followed Clark into the kitchen, idly wondering when maintenance would be in to restore the fire damage, and silently began to unpack the groceries.
Clark raised an eyebrow. Two bottles of wine, two pints of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, four Double-Fudge Crunch bars, a jumbo-sized bottle of chocolate syrup ...
Lois fixed him with her patented Mad Dog Lane stare.
“Don’t judge, Farmboy,” she warned, wagging a candy bar at him. “You exorcise your demons by flying around in a cape and helping people. I binge on comfort food.”
Clark grinned and nearly told her that ice cream, chocolate, and pinot grigio didn’t quite classify as “food,” but then thought the better of it. That would truly infuriate Lois, and might spark an hours-long debate over semantics and the unfair rigidity of the food pyramid.
Watching as she stowed her ice cream in the freezer and placed the wine in the fridge, he marveled, not for the first time, at how Lois could lift his mood so completely.
I love this woman. The thought still left him slightly awed.
She deserves to know how much, and what I’d do for her. She deserves to know everything.
Clark’s expression grew serious.
Now. Before you lose your nerve.
“Lois — ” he began, but she turned to face him and interjected.
“I know,” she said, her voice shaking slightly. “I know we’re not here to make jokes and small talk. I know.” She shook her head, her eyes focused on the charred kitchen counter. “I just wish I thought I’m ready to hear what you have to say.”
An icy band of uncertainty clamped around Clark’s ribs. He wished Lois would look at him, wished he knew what she meant. Anything.
“Lois?” he asked hesitantly.
Her eyes met his, and the storm of emotion he saw there rattled him more than Kryptonite exposure.
“We can’t go back after this conversation,” she whispered, her voice husky. “We can’t.”
Oh, God. Clark swallowed hard. “Do you really want to?”
Lois chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully.
Do I? Do I want to go back to that place — where it’s all just easy banter and no true emotional investment? And even if I did want to ... how can we, after all that’s been said and done already?“I don’t know,” she said finally, smoothing her skirt over her thighs. “I’d just gotten used to the idea that I’d fallen for my partner. I’d given up that whole Superman fantasy for you.” She held his gaze for a long moment. “For you, Clark — just Clark. No spandex, no superhero. But then, I find out you’re the same person. I think I’m dealing with that pretty well, by the way. But now, today ... ” She trailed off, at a loss for what to say.
“But now?” he asked in a low voice, dreading the answer.
Lois looked down at her hands, twining her fingers together. Clark hardly dared to breathe. When she looked at him with tear-filled brown eyes, his heart constricted.
“I’m wondering — ” Her breath hitched, and she drew a deep breath.
Be strong. Be honest. “I’m wondering if you’re worth it, Clark.”
Clark had never been sucker-punched. But now, because of Lois’ words, he instinctively knew what the term felt like.
I’m wondering if you’re worth it.
The syllables echoed cruelly in his ears. His gut was on fire, fear and anxiety squeezing rational thought from his brain. Lois couldn’t be unsure about this — she just couldn’t. He was here to fix things, to make Lois understand how important she was to him. This was wrong. All wrong.
“Lois, no — ” he protested weakly.
But she turned away, walking toward the living room.
Clark stood, frozen.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen, he thought sadly.
“Lois — ” He stepped into the living room.
“Convince me,” she challenged, standing with her arms crossed. “Right now. You can save the world, right? Well, now you can save this supposed relationship.”
Find the right words, Clark ordered himself.
Even if it kills you, find the right words this time.
He raked a hand through his hair, amazed that it wasn’t trembling.
He looked up to see Lois watching him. Waiting. She was so beautiful standing there in her fitted white blouse and burgundy skirt, her dark eyes intently studying his features.
Clark took a deep breath.
“Lois, this isn’t easy,” he began, averting his eyes from her intense gaze. “I feel like I’ve messed up so many times. I’ve lied to you — not because I wanted to, but because I thought it was easier that way.”
He looked back up, meeting her eyes so she could see the sincerity in his own. “I was so afraid that you’d become a target, and after the first lie, there had to be a second, and a third, and from there, they just snowballed until I had you — everyone — convinced that Superman was a different person, an unknown entity. Definitely not Clark Kent.”
He looked back at the hardwood floor, his eyes tracing the lines of the planks. “It hurt — lying to you. To my best friend. To the woman I’m in love with.”
He heard Lois’ breath catch, and he paused, swallowing hard. “Every time I made some lame excuse and rushed off, my stomach clenched and I had this awful taste in my mouth because I was hurting you — and hurting myself in the process. With you, I was in a constant competition with Superman — with myself. I was an idiot for keeping up the charade for so long, and I’m so sorry, Lois. You’ve got to believe me.”
He couldn’t look at her. Not yet. Not until he was finished.
“Lois, you don’t know how important you are to me. You’re my reason — ” He stopped abruptly and cleared his throat, his eyes still focused on the floor.
Easy. Don’t scare her with too much so soon. “You were the whole inspiration for Superman. It was you and your brilliance that allowed me to help Metropolis — and the world — in a way that I can still have some kind of normal life.
“But more than that, you keep me going. You ... you’ve wrecked me, Lois, in the best possible way. You inspire me. You keep me sane. And I love you for it, and for so much more. I’ve been in love with you for so long, and I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t part of my life.”
He stopped then, forcing himself not to say anything more. He didn’t trust his voice, and he had no idea how Lois was about to react to his words.
Look at her.
The simple act of lifting his eyes had never been so difficult. Facing Nightfall the second time had been easier.
When his dark eyes, clouded with uncertainty, met Lois’ tear-filled gaze, his breath hitched.
You’ve ruined this, you idiot. Your last chance, and you blew it.
“Oh, God. Lois, I’m sorry,” he breathed, horrified at what he’d done. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean — I’ll just go — ”
He turned to leave, inwardly cursing himself.
“No!”
And then Lois’ hand was on his, bringing him up short. She stepped between him and the door, then placed her palms flat against his chest.
“No,” she whispered, a tear trailing down her cheek.
“But — ”
She shook her head emphatically. “No,” she said again, sniffling. “I’m sorry I’m crying, but I’m not upset. I just didn’t know. I didn’t know, Clark — I didn’t know.”
And then her arms were around his neck, and she was drawing his head down, closer to her. She was so warm, and he could smell the faint citrus shampoo she used, the light, sweet scent of her lotion — like sugar cookies and caramel — and the salt of her tears. Clark wrapped his arms around her and realized she was shaking.
“Lois?” he asked gently.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice muffled against his shoulder. “I — this is awful. I’m such a bad person — ”
“Lois, you’re not — ”
“Wait, you have to let me finish,” she interrupted.
Clark closed his mouth.
“I was so mad at you today,” she went on, “for being so weird and I thought you’d know that I wouldn’t — wouldn’t
out you, especially with Jimmy there, and besides, we were in a public place and — and then it was like you just didn’t care. And I was worried about you! There was blood on your Suit and I didn’t know what had happened but after you told me, I just wanted to talk to that little boy’s mother for two minutes — two minutes! — and you acted like I was some kind of monster, Clark, and I’m not. I’m not.
“And then I wrote this great profile and waited for you but you didn’t come back and I was even more angry and I bought a ton of chocolate on my way home because I was so upset. But here you are, being absolutely honest and totally open with me, and I just didn’t expect it and I’m not mad at you now — I never really was, I was mad at myself, I think — and I didn’t know ... God, Clark, I didn’t know how much — how much — ”
She stopped, breathing hard.
“I didn’t know how much I meant to you,” she finished in a small voice.
So much, Lois — more than I’ll ever be able to adequately articulate.
Clark placed his hands on her upper arms and took a step backward.
“Lois, look at me.”
She reluctantly met his gaze.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should’ve told you sooner.”
In spite of herself, Lois chuckled. “You’ve got to give this Superman complex a rest, partner — you can’t be responsible for everything.”
Clark’s expression darkened.
You can’t save everyone.
Unbidden, images of Emily’s mother sitting in that black Explorer, her green eyes wide with terror, flickered through his mind’s eye. Her pain, her fear. He saw Adam, lying on the sidewalk, covered in blood. Phantom cries of people he hadn’t managed to save echoed in his ears.
His jaw clenched. “I know.”
“Oh, God — Clark, I’m — I’m sorry,” Lois stammered, seeing his expression. She touched her fingertips to his cheek. “I didn’t mean — ”
Clark closed his eyes at her touch. Her skin was so soft.
“I know,” he said again. He opened his eyes to see Lois searching his features, at once both hesitant and curious.
“This kind of responsibility can be hard sometimes,” he said.
Lois nodded at this admission, her hand sliding from his face to his forearm.
“I can’t save everyone — I know it, but that doesn’t make it any less painful,” he continued, his voice raw with emotion. “But you — you save me, Lois. Every day.”
Oh, God. Overwhelmed, Lois didn’t know how to respond. “Clark, I — ”
“No,” he cut in. “It’s all right. You don’t have to — I mean, I know it’s a lot to take in. I’m trying my best here not to scare you.”
She licked her lips. “Um — okay. You’re not scaring me, exactly. It’s just ... oh, Clark, I don’t know — a lot.”
Clark ducked his head, embarrassed.
Easy, you idiot. It’s not like you’re proposing here. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be!” Lois exclaimed. “I, um, mean — it’s fine. It’s — Clark, it’s the most amazing, most romantic, soul-shaking thing anyone’s ever said to me.” She bit her lower lip. “It’s just going to take a little time to get used to.”
Clark nodded.
Give her some time, he thought, remembering his mom’s sage advice.
Don’t scare her. “Does that mean you still want to have the dinner we agreed on?” he asked after a moment’s pause, keeping his voice intentionally light.
Lois laughed out loud. “I dunno,” she teased. “You were late, after all.”
He checked his watch. “Wow — I didn’t realize we’d been talking for so long. Aren’t you starving?”
Lois grinned. “Famished. And it’s all your fault.”
Her heart melted at Clark’s stricken expression.
“Relax, Farmboy. You just have to pick up the check.”
Clark returned her grin with a smile that made her breath catch.
“You really know how to make a guy feel loved.”
Lois folded her hand in his and tugged. “C’mon — we’ve still got a lot to talk about.”
