Tuesday September 23, 2008
“Hey, Lois? Got a minute?”
Lois looked up from her screen to where Jimmy stood in her doorway. “Sure. What’s up?”
“Who was your source in the public defender’s office back during the Carnahan case? Would have been ‘99? Do you remember? The turnover in that office is insane. I’m trying to do a ten year retrospective piece about the killings, and I need some updated quotes, but there’s not a single lawyer working there who was on staff at the time. I tracked his lawyer down at her new private firm, but she isn’t talking. I was hoping maybe someone else who was there back then might be willing to go on the record. I’ve left a few messages with HR, but all I’m getting is the run around.”
Lois grimaced. “Ugh. Give me a bit. I don’t remember off the top of my head, but I’ll see if I can dig a name out of some old files.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
“No problem.”
“How’s your new series coming?”
She shrugged. She was still in the research phase of a multi-part special project on voter suppression. “Fine. I had lunch with Devonte Armstrong. From Citizens United for Access? He gave me a ton of great background info and a stack of statistics on polling station closings.”
“Oh, he’s a really nice guy. Always good for a colorful quote, too.”
“Yeah. I think I may do a full profile on him as part of the series. A day in the life sort of thing.”
Jimmy nodded. “He’d be perfect for that. Hey, did you see the invite to the housewarming party? Claire mentioned that you hadn’t RSVPed.”
“Oh, shoot! I keep meaning to reply. Sorry about that. I’ll be there. I have the kids that weekend.”
The truth was that she’d been hesitant to respond either way. Her relationship with Jimmy had been strained since the divorce, when he’d clearly seen her as the enemy. Though he’d managed to stay professional in the office, his eyes betrayed his disappointment and blame.
She knew that he and Clark had maintained their friendship, even after Clark had left the Planet. Clark mentioned him frequently, and it seemed to her that he had stepped into the role of Jimmy’s mentor that had been left vacant after Perry’s death. She knew too that Jimmy had always idolized Clark to some degree and saw him as an older brother figure.
Over the years, his anger toward her had faded and their professional relationship had found a pleasant equilibrium, but socializing outside the office was something they hadn’t done in years. She’d been surprised by the invitation to the housewarming, and she wasn’t sure if it was genuine or just perfunctory. Ultimately, she’d decided it was better to accept the olive branch and make an appearance than to turn down the invitation. She could always blame the kids if things were awkward and she needed to cut and run.
“Great! I can’t wait for you to see the place.” Jimmy paused awkwardly before continuing. “I talked to CK the other day. He said he’d be there too.”
Lois smiled reassuringly. “Good. We can tag team kid duties, and maybe we’ll both actually get to have some adult conversations.”
Jimmy smiled, obviously relieved, and cocked a thumb over his shoulder. “Ok, I should get back to it.”
“I’ll look for that name and email it to you.”
“Thanks!” he called over his shoulder as he walked away.
Lois stood at her desk, stretched, and looked at the clock on the wall. Not even 5:00 yet. She needed caffeine, and then she could push through a few more hours of work before heading home. On nights she had the kids, she was diligent about not working late and spending her evenings with them, and she tried to compensate by working a little later on Clark’s nights.
She made her way through the bullpen, wrinkling her nose as she passed the communal coffee pot, and headed for the elevator. She could grab a fresh cup of coffee at the kiosk in the lobby.
Just as the elevator dinged, the newsroom hum increased noticeably. People crowded around the televisions tuned to the 24/7 cable news channels, and reporters started running for their phones. She turned to face the screens, and someone turned up the volume. A live interview from a panicked witness began to play over footage of a smoking plane floundering above the Los Angeles skyline. The plane was obviously in distress and moments away from crashing. As she watched in horror, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket and grabbed for it as fast as she could.
“Lois! Can you-” Clark’s panicked voice began.
“GO!” she hissed, cutting him off.
There was a dial tone in her ear and then the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding wooshed out of her as Superman appeared on screen, guiding the plane to safety.
She took a few deep breaths, then returned to her office and grabbed her bag and keys. She glanced at her watch. 4:55. Plenty of time to make it to school and pick up the kids.
***
“Where’s Dad?” Mattie asked twenty minutes later as they walked through the parking lot. She’d been quiet since Lois appeared in the doorway for pickup. Clark usually picked them up for an early dinner on Tuesdays, dropping them off at her place on his way to teach his evening seminar. Lois should have known there was no way her shrewd daughter would forget that or mistake the day of the week.
“His staff meeting went late. He wasn’t going to have time to get you for dinner and get back in time for his class so he asked me to switch nights. He’ll take you to dinner another day this week.”
Mattie rolled her eyes as she climbed in the back seat. “Are you sure he didn’t suddenly remember he had a dentist appointment? Or an emergency dry cleaning appointment?”
Lois inhaled sharply. She willed herself not to panic, and then turned in her seat to face her daughter. “Mattie, I know it can be frustrating sometimes when your dad has to run off suddenly. But he’s doing the best he can. He’s a busy man with a lot of commitments, but there’s nothing in the world that is more important to him than you and your brother. You know that.”
“I know,” she muttered. Then she added under her breath, “You have a busy job too, but you’re here.”
“That’s not fair, Mattie. Your dad and I are a team. He covers for me as much as I cover for him. How many times have I had press conferences or witness interviews or breaking news to cover, and he’s picked you up on my nights? We both love you, and we trust each other to step in when we need each other. That’s what it means to be a family.”
“You’re not a family. You’re divorced.”
“There are lots of kinds of families,” Lois recited, trying to ignore the sucker punch feeling in her gut. “Just because your father and I aren’t married and don’t live together doesn’t mean we aren’t a family. We share you kids, and that means we’ll always be a family. We will always work together to make sure you're happy and taken care of.”
Mattie was quiet, but seemed placated.
“Come on,” Lois cajoled. “Let’s go out to dinner?”
“Panda Express?” Mattie asked hopefully.
“Fine,” Lois agreed, rolling her eyes good naturedly and checking her mirrors before reversing out of her parking spot.
***
Lois closed JP’s door quietly and walked softly down the hall to Mattie’s room. She poked her head in and smiled at her daughter, curled up in bed with a book.
“Lights out, bug.”
“One more chapter?” she wheedled.
“It’s already after nine.”
“Ok.” Mattie sighed. “Just let me finish this page.”
Lois nodded her assent, then crossed the room and dropped a kiss on the girl’s head. “Love you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
Lois closed the door on her way out, then went to the kitchen and poured a glass of wine. She walked to her own room and retrieved a novel from her nightstand, inspired by Mattie’s example. She glanced at the oversized, overstuffed chair in the corner then decided to enjoy the early fall weather. She slipped into pajama pants, a t-shirt, and a warm hoodie then opened the French doors that led out to the private master deck. She sat her book on the small side table and walked to the railing, looking out over their backyard.
This deck had been the thing that sold them on the house when they toured it. The realtor had chattered on and on about the view -- the nature preserve that abutted the yard, protected by state laws and never in danger of being developed. The pretty little pond and the birds that frequented it. And all of that was lovely, but she and Clark exchanged a look, immediately seeing a different view. Or lack thereof. Because of the angle of the house and the fact that this one was the last house on the street, no neighbor had a view of this back deck from any point on their property. Only the birds could witness the comings and goings of a fellow flying creature.
That seemed like a lifetime ago. Mattie was not even a year old, but they were sure a little brother or sister would be on their way soon. Their first book had just hit the NYT best seller list and their second was in the works. The world was theirs for the taking. Real estate prices were rising and the timing seemed perfect to sell their brownstone and upgrade to something bigger for their growing family. Something close to good schools, Something that gave them a little more privacy.
The weekend they closed on the house, Clark had flown Mattie to Kansas to stay with his parents while they supervised the movers. When he returned, landing with a quiet thump on their master deck for the first time, she had been waiting for him with two glasses of champagne, a smattering of candles, and herself...wrapped in nothing but one of his spare capes.
Lois shook off the memory and stepped back to sit in the cushioned teak lounge chair, planting one foot beside the other knee. She balanced her book against her propped up knee and took a sip of the wine as she began to read.
Two chapters later, there was a familiar woosh-thump and a gust of air that ruffled her hair. She closed her book and looked up at the figure in blue silhouetted by the full moon behind him.
“Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey. I just wanted to thank you for getting the kids today.”
“No problem. Did you make it back in time for your class?”
“Yeah, with time to spare.”
“Good. Everything...okay out there?” she asked, gesturing to the suit.
“Fine. Just patrolling. I’m serious, Lois. I really appreciate it. Appreciate you. I owe you.”
“I’m not keeping tally.”
His eyes softened and for a moment she thought he was going to say something else. And then he took a breath and gestured to the sky. “I should-”
“Do you have to rush off?”
He looked at her questioningly.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about. It’s important. But it can wait if you’re busy.”
“I’m not busy,” he replied.
Lois took a deep breath and gestured to the lounge chair beside her. He took a step, stopped and spun quickly, changing into khakis and a soft heather grey henley. He walked the rest of the way to the other lounge chair, and sat sideways, feet planted wide, facing her. She sat up and spun around to face him, the chairs so close together that her legs came to rest inside his.
“It’s about Mattie,” she started. “I think it’s time.”
Clark was thoughtful for a moment. “What makes you say that?” he asked finally.
They had decided together, when she was pregnant with Mattie, that they would have to withhold the truth from her — and any subsequent siblings — for as long as possible. The secret was too big, too dangerous, to put on the shoulders of a child.
“Have you…noticed something?” Clark asked. They had no idea if or when or to what degree their children might inherit his powers. His own powers hadn’t begun to manifest in earnest until puberty, though in retrospect his parents saw evidence of his being especially strong and resilient earlier. Both of their children were healthy, strong, and athletic. But whether they were more than that remained to be seen. If and when they did develop powers, they would have to tell them. Clark was adamant that he didn’t want them experimenting with their powers -- and drawing conclusions about the source of those powers -- without their support.
“No,” Lois said, shaking her head gently. “It’s not that. It’s…”
She hesitated, trying to find the words to convey her concerns without hurting him.
“Mattie said something today. When I picked her up at school. I told her you were stuck in a staff meeting and would take them to dinner a different day this week. And she said… Well, she made a joke about dentist appointments and emergency dry cleaning.”
Clark winced and Lois raced to continue. “I told her you are busy and juggling a hectic schedule. And I told her that we are a team, and reminded her of all the times you’ve covered for me while I was chasing stories.” Clark reached out and squeezed her arm appreciatively. “I told her we both love her, and that she and her brother are our top priority. She shrugged it off and we moved on. It’s fine. She’s not upset. But…I don’t want this to be a case where we keep something from her for so long, and cover with so many small lies, that it becomes impossible to tell the truth without damaging her trust. I’m not saying we need to do it tomorrow, just that it’s time to start seriously planning this conversation.”
When he didn’t respond, her eyes searched his face and found it filled with dread and fear. “We’ll do it together,” she continued softly. “We’ll get it right.”
Clark nodded silently for a moment, his hand still resting on her forearm. His thumb began to rub slowly. “Thank you,” he said finally.
Lois scooted forward until she was perched on the edge of her chair and slid her hands onto Clark’s thighs. He leaned into her, his bowed head resting gently against her forehead.
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered. “I promise. She loves you so much.”
“Maybe I could just put off telling her until she figures it out for herself,” he joked, sitting up and smiling ruefully.
“I...don’t recommend that method,” she replied, arching an eyebrow playfully.
He laughed, the tension broken. Her heart fluttered at the sound of his familiar laugh and her eyes fell to his mouth.
For a moment, none of this made any sense. How had they gotten from there to here? After everything it took for them to come together, they had thrown it all away.
“Lois?” His voice was quiet and probing. Her eyes slid from his mouth to his questioning gaze. He lifted his right hand to cup her cheek, and she let out a ragged breath.
And then he froze, his head cocking to the side, gaze sliding off into the distance. “Saved by the bell,” she whispered. His eyes found hers again. “Go ahead.”
“I can stay,” his voice was low, offering her this chance to give words to what they both felt. “Just a car accident. Police are on their way.”
For a split second she allowed herself to imagine it. Asking him to stay. Not just for the moment, but forever. Confessing how wrong she had been. Begging him to fix their family.
And then she came back to reality.
“No,” she said softly, withdrawing her hands and standing. She stepped past him, her legs burning where they brushed against his, and walked to the table to retrieve her book and wine glass. “It’s late. I should get to bed anyway. Go save the world.”
Clark stood, reached one hand toward her and then hesitated. He seemed to reconsider whatever he was about to say, and then quickly spun into his suit. “I’ll get the kids from school tomorrow. I’ll see you at Mattie’s soccer game?”
Lois nodded her agreement.
“Sleep well, Lois,” he said softly, before rising slowly off the deck and then disappearing into the night sky.
Wednesday September 24, 2008
Lois trudged across the soccer fields, folding chair slung over her back and coffee in hand, finally approaching field F4. She scanned the players warming up on the field, smiling when she saw Mattie leading the sprints, two perfect French braids bouncing behind her as she ran. She would never admit it, but Clark’s braiding skills put hers to shame.
She set up her chair and pulled out the team clipboard to help manage the game and keep track of statistics for the team. On the field, Clark split the team into small groups to work on drills and then walked her way.
“Hey,” he said as he approached. “JP is at the playground with Riley and Susan. I fed him before we came, and he’s already had a hotdog from the snack bar. Do not believe him if he tries to convince you he’s malnourished.”
Lois grinned. Their son’s appetite was legendary.
“Did you eat?” he asked.
Lois shrugged. She’d contemplated the leftover takeout in her fridge before heading to the field, but hadn’t bothered.
Clark took a few steps over to where his cooler sat next to his own folding chair. He unzipped the lid and pulled out a styrofoam restaurant container and returned to her side, offering it to her. She popped the lid, immediately recognizing her favorite salad from the deli around the corner from the field. She looked up at him, and he shrugged in response. “It was on the way.”
“Thank you,” she said softly.
A referee blew a whistle, preempting any further response.
“Gotta go,” Clark said jovially, turning back to the field.
“Good luck!” she called after him.
She was chewing her first bite of salad when an attractive blonde dropped into the chair beside her and said, “If my ex-husband brought me dinner, I’d have it tested for arsenic.”
Lois smirked at her friend who was probably only half joking about the poison. Kate’s divorce was the stuff of legends. Lois adored Kate, and their girls were close friends, but the drama in their household reminded Lois of everything she didn’t want for her kids. When Mattie had returned from a sleepover at Abby’s house last spring asking Lois what a “golddigger” was, she made a mental note to host playdates at her house for a while.
She and Clark had done their fair share of damage to each other in the waning days of their marriage, but they’d always done their best to hide it from the kids. JP had been just a tiny, oblivious infant. But Mattie was the same age JP was now, always wide eyed and observing.
That time was so painful and dark, Lois hated to think about it. In the span of a year, they’d suffered back to back early miscarriages bookended by losing first Perry and then Jonathan. Perry to a breathtakingly fast cancer and Jonathan suddenly and without warning to a massive stroke. And then the long-awaited pregnancy that should have been something to celebrate after the worst year of their lives was instead plagued by dangerously high blood pressure that ultimately resulted in an emergency c-section at 32 weeks to save her life.
Postpartum depression, a baby in the NICU, and her own feelings of guilt and inadequacy as a mother left her drowning. And like any drowning person, she clawed at those who tried to rescue her, bringing them down with her. Clark, traumatized by his inability to protect the people he loved most, threw himself into saving those he could and controlling everything around him.
At the time, it had felt like he didn’t trust her. Like he too thought she was an incompetent mother who couldn’t be trusted to care for her own children. Every time she turned around, he was there. Faster than a speeding bullet, he was pulling the crying baby from her arms, whisking the clingy kindergartener off for park outings. She never had a chance to catch her balance or find her rhythm as a mother of two.
No matter how much she begged for space, he was always there. Even when he wasn’t there, he was there. Listening. Hovering outside windows. Spying on her through walls. She was trapped like a rat in a cage.
As the months ticked by, as JP crawled and then walked, as their same old whispered arguments morphed into passive aggressive comments and a nuclear cold war, a sickening realization formed in Lois’ gut. They had to stop. She couldn’t do to her children what her parents had done to her and Lucy.
She was desperate not to repeat the mistakes of her parents, desperate for her children to grow up in a home -- or homes -- filled with love and respect and peace. If she and Clark couldn’t live in peace together, they had to find peace separately. She didn’t want their children to become pawns, damaged by the dysfunction of their parents.
Clark had been stricken when she told him she wanted a divorce. To this day, she didn’t think he ever imagined it would come to that. He begged her to wait, to give him time to prove that they could put things right. But she was convinced they were fire and gasoline, and she refused to burn their children.
He’d found them a therapist who specialized in trauma and they began seeing her weekly, both individually and together. There was so much they couldn’t tell her, but what they could was enough. Lois had always despised the idea of therapy, but now that it was something she was doing for her children instead of herself, she poured herself into it. It was the best decision they had ever made. She could admit that now. But it was too late for their marriage. By the time the fog had cleared and they’d understood trauma responses better, their own and each other’s, the divorce was final. Clark had begged her until the end not to do it. But it had to be done.
The whole legal process was amicable. They split their assets in half and arranged a flexible custody agreement that technically split their weeks in half -- three and a half days each -- but allowed for dinners and phone calls and visits from the noncustodial parent on their days off so neither of them ever went more than a day or two without seeing their children. Lois had offered Clark the house in the split, thinking of the master deck and the reason they’d bought the house in the first place. But Clark had visibly blanched. “This is our home, Lois. I don’t ever want to live here without you.”
He bought a home in their neighborhood, just a few streets over and resigned from the Daily Planet, accepting a teaching position in the School of Journalism at Metropolis University.
The first year had been brutal. Lois had cried after every custody exchange. The second year had been stiff and formal, awkward and forced. Now, after nearly four years of ironing out the kinks, the situation was so fluid it barely looked like a custody arrangement at all. The kids moved freely back and forth between the homes. They celebrated all birthdays and major holidays together. Attended all games and recitals together. They had even spent a week at the beach together this summer. They were a family unit, just...an unconventional one.
Lois forced those memories out of her mind as the referee tossed a coin in the air and the game began. There was no use rehashing the past, she thought. Just be grateful for the present.
She threw herself into keeping score and cheering for the team. Eventually JP returned to the sidelines, exhausted and whiny. He pulled a blanket from Clark’s bag and crawled into her lap. By the end of the game, he was fast asleep.
“Are you in a hurry?” Clark asked as he gathered up his stuff. Lois shook her head, perfectly content for the moment. “Let me carry all this stuff to the car and I’ll come back for him.”
Lois watched him make his way to the parking lot, chairs slung over his shoulder, cooler in one hand, stopping repeatedly to high five members of his team. Mattie separated herself from a gaggle of girls and ran to meet him at the car. Lois could see her hopeful body language as she asked him something, and then the slump of defeat as she climbed in the backseat. She chuckled to herself and nuzzled JP’s soft hair.
Before long, Clark was back, sliding his hands between their bodies, peeling their son gently from her arms and lifting him to his chest, crooking one arm around his tiny thighs to hold him in place. JP stirred, then nestled his head on Clark’s shoulder and stayed asleep. Clark extended his hand to her and she took it, letting him gently pull her to her feet. She picked up the blanket that fell from her lap and handed it to him.
“I’m parked in the other lot,” she said, inclining her head in the opposite direction, as she folded up her chair and slipped it into its canvas bag.
“I’ll walk you.”
She smiled and rolled her eyes good naturedly. “Don’t be ridiculous, Clark. I’ll be fine. There are a million people here. Nothing is going to happen to me between the field and the parking lot.”
“Don’t tempt fate. Those sound like famous last words,” he teased, his eyes twinkling.
“Go on, Boy Scout. Go home and get the kids to bed.”
He winked at her, making her stomach flip in a way she would definitely not admit to anyone. And then he turned and made his way back to his car.
