Trigger warning: This chapter contains a brief discussion of past infertility/miscarriages/premature birth. It's not extensive, but it could be intense for some readers.
Sunday November 2, 2008
Lois sat cross legged on the couch, piles of papers and folders spread around her, laptop in her lap. She was trying to use the quiet afternoon to get caught up on some work and prepare for her busy week ahead, but her mind kept drifting to last night, and she’d find herself staring off into space grinning stupidly when she was supposed to be working.
She glanced back at her notebook and transferred a few snippets of text to her computer, and was scrolling back up to double check some notes when the doorbell rang. She debated ignoring it, assuming it was just one of the neighbor kids checking to see if Mattie or JP were home to play, but then decided she needed to get up and stretch anyway.
She rose from the couch and rolled her neck. She was dressed for comfort in a pair of black leggings and one of Clark’s old Smallville Tigers sweatshirts that she had borrowed on a date years ago and never relinquished. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, the ends of her hair just brushing against the soft gray material of the worn sweatshirt.
She walked to the door and pulled it open, surprised to see Martha standing on her porch. Her eyes darted past her automatically, checking to see if Clark or the kids were with her.
“It’s just me,” Martha said. “I was out for a walk, and I just found myself here. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
“No,” Lois said, shaking her head. “It’s fine. Do you want to come in?”
“If you don’t mind,” Martha said, and Lois was surprised to detect a hint of insecurity in her voice. “I’d like to talk to you for a minute.”
“Of course,” Lois said, stepping aside and welcoming Martha into her house. Her heart raced at the idea of what this talk might entail. It was obvious Martha knew where Clark had been last night, and she’d been generous enough not only to babysit for them but also to encourage Clark to stay the night. But that didn’t mean she was without reservations, and Lois wondered if Martha had come to get some things off her chest. “Can I get you anything? Water? Tea?”
“No, no. I’m fine,” Martha assured her.
Lois let the way into the living room and began gathering up piles. “Sorry,” she said. “I was trying to get caught up on some work.”
“I can come back if this is a bad time,” Martha offered.
“It’s fine. It’s fine,” Lois repeated nervously, dumping the files on the coffee table and sitting at an angle, so she could face Martha. She tried to calm her racing heart, reminding herself of Clark’s reassurances on Halloween that his mother still loved her.
Martha took a deep breath and exhaled noisily. “I should have done this years ago. I know you want space from me, and I don’t blame you a bit for that. But I should have at least apologized, and then given the space.”
“Apologized?” Lois asked, baffled. “You want to apologize to me?”
“After Jonathan died, I was so consumed by my own grief that I couldn’t see anything else. I missed all the signs that you and Clark were struggling, even though it should have been obvious. I know Clark was shocked and grieving too, and you’d both just lost Perry not long before. And then with you being so sick, and JP being so early… You needed me so much, and I wasn’t there for you. Not like I should have been. If I’d been thinking clearly, I could have helped you both through that time.”
Lois’ mind reeled. Of everything she had imagined Martha might have to say to her, she had never imagined it would be an apology.
“Do you think...Do you think I’m angry with you?” Lois asked. “Or upset with you?”
“I don’t know if angry is the right word, but I know I failed you. Failed you both. And I don’t blame you for wanting to distance yourself after that.”
“Martha, I was never angry with you. I never blamed you. I-” Lois’ voice cracked and she took a shaky breath before continuing. “I didn’t want to distance myself from you. I was giving you space because I couldn’t imagine that you’d want anything to do with me. I broke Clark’s heart. I destroyed our family. I promised you that I would always love him, that I would never leave him. And then when he needed me most, I just walked away. I don’t understand why he doesn’t hate me. I hate myself. And as a mother, I can’t imagine how much I would hate the person who did that to my child.”
“Oh, honey,” Martha said, tears in her eyes. “No. I never hated you. I knew how much you loved him. I knew everything had gone terribly wrong and you were both hurting. I knew you thought it was the only way to protect your babies. I wish I had reached out to you earlier, but by the time I came out of my own cloud of grief, you’d built up a wall to protect yourself, and I thought the least I could do was respect that.”
“I missed you so much,” Lois confessed. “But I didn’t want you to be in the middle. You’re his mother, not mine. I thought letting you go was the least I could do.”
“Oh, Lois. You’ve been like a daughter to me for so long. Before you were ever even legally our daughter in law, Jonathan and I always thought of you that way. Even when you two were so young and just trying to figure things out. Before you even knew you loved him, we loved you.”
Lois’ heart ached, hearing those words. She’d spent so many years steeling her heart against the pain of Martha’s imagined disdain and disappointment.
“He must get it from you, this capacity for forgiveness. Because I still can’t believe he’s waited this long for me.” Lois couldn’t keep the wonder from her voice. This all still seemed so surreal.
“He would have waited forever,” Martha said confidently. “But I’m glad it didn’t take that long.”
“I’ll never hurt him like that again. I never wanted to hurt him. I’ve always loved him.”
Martha reached over and covered Lois’ hand with her own, giving her a quick squeeze.
Lois pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, as if trying to shield herself from the memories. “Even when we were at our worst. I loved him desperately. I kept trying to fix things. I tried to make things better, but I only made them worse. And I’ll never regret having JP, because I love him more than life itself, but that pregnancy broke us, and that was all my fault.”
Martha’s brow furrowed. “Lois, you’d wanted another baby for years. Both of you. And your health was nothing you could control. It wasn’t your fault you were so sick.”
Lois shook her head. “Clark wanted to stop trying. We’d been trying for so long. It was so easy with Mattie. We thought it could never happen, so we never tried. And then there she was. Our miracle baby. And we were so happy. And I thought, if we could do it once, then surely we could do it again. Dr. Klein was wrong. We were compatible, and we had this perfect little baby to prove it. And we were so happy. God, we were so happy then. When Mattie was a baby, and we had everything we’d ever dreamed about. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted to give him more babies. I wanted to give him a son. I loved him so much, and I loved Mattie so much. And I just thought it would be so easy.”
Martha reached out and rubbed her arm gently, and Lois knew she understood the pain of wanting a baby more than anyone else she knew.
“When it didn’t happen right away, I didn’t think much of it. It can take awhile sometimes. But then the years dragged on...and I tried all the things. Charting, testing, temping, monitored cycles with my doctor, fertility drugs to force ovulation, hormones I injected into my stomach every day.”
Martha’s eyes widened in surprise, and Lois barreled on. “I knew I should just be thankful we had Mattie. Clark told me over and over that we didn’t have to do this. That he was happy with me and with Mattie. That we were all he wanted. But I watched him rock her to sleep at night, watched him give her piggyback rides across the living room, watched him braid her hair for her first day of school, and I NEEDED another baby. And then when we lost those two pregnancies-”
Martha inhaled sharply. “What?”
Lois faltered. “The- When I miscarried- Clark never told you?”
Martha’s stunned face told her he hadn’t.
“I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have just blurted it out. I thought you know. I assumed he’d told you years ago. We didn’t tell you at the time because it was such horrible timing. You were already heartbroken and grieving. We didn’t want to add more grief. But it never occurred to me that Clark didn’t tell you eventually.’
“It was when Jonathan died?”
Lois took a shaky breath. “The first was a few months earlier. Right after Perry died. Clark wanted to stop trying after that, but I was more determined than ever. It had been almost four years since Mattie was born, but here was proof we could still conceive. So we waited a couple months and tried again, and it worked. And we were a little nervous but mostly so excited. We thought surely the time before was a fluke. It was such an early loss. And it seemed like we were right. We made it to 8 weeks. We had a doctor’s appointment scheduled to see the heartbeat. We were so excited. We were going to tell you and Jonathan as soon as we saw the heartbeat…”
She trailed off, lost in that time. Martha reached out and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“And then I started to bleed. And we knew. I went to the doctor, but there was nothing they could do. They said these things happen. Lots of pregnancies end before there’s ever a heartbeat. Usually it means the embryo isn’t viable. There’s something wrong genetically. Clark heard that, and he was convinced it was his fault. That we weren’t compatible genetically after all. That Mattie had been the one miracle and we were tempting fate by trying again and again.”
“Oh, god,” Martha said. “My poor boy.”
“I know. I know. It was awful. He was racked with guilt and wouldn’t listen to me when I told him this happens to couples all the time and it had nothing to do with his genetics.”
“And then Jonathan died?” Martha said quietly.
“The next day,” Lois confirmed. “It was horrible. It was the worst day. Clark was- I’ve never seen him so devastated. It broke my heart. I would have done anything — anything — to make him stop hurting.”
Martha squeezed her hand again, and Lois could feel her gratitude for loving her boy so much.
“After we lost the second pregnancy and Jonathan died, Clark didn’t even want to discuss another baby. It was a closed issue as far as he was concerned. We couldn’t go through another loss. We were barely surviving. But- But I read that sometimes women are extra fertile right after a loss. And it seemed like this last Hail Mary chance. He was furious, but I begged, literally begged to try one more time. One more month. That was it, I promised. If it didn’t work, we were done. Forever. I begged and pleaded. And he never says no to me.”
“And you got pregnant with JP.”
Lois nodded and took another shaky breath. “And we were so scared in the beginning. So scared. We couldn’t even talk about it. We told no one. Made no plans. But then we saw his heartbeat. And at the anatomy scan we saw his perfect little heart and his perfect little hands and everything was so…perfect. And Clark cried happy tears. And I thought…I did it. I fixed him. I made him happy again. I gave him that. I couldn’t bring his dad back. But I could give him a son to name after his father. I could give you a new grandbaby. And we could all start to heal. I just loved him so much.”
Lois laid her head on her knees and wept. Martha scooted closer on the couch, opening her arms and wrapping her in a hug.
“I can’t believe I didn’t know any of this. I’m so sorry you had to do this alone,” she said through her own tears, as she sat back leaving a hand on Lois' back.
Lois lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “You know the rest. Or most of it at least. We had three mostly perfect months to celebrate and plan, and then one day I’m sitting at work trying to ignore the headache that had been plaguing me for days and suddenly I start throwing up and then I’m in the hospital and they are telling me we have to deliver him now now now. And Clark is begging me not to die. And my baby is so tiny and helpless. And he doesn’t even cry when they pull him from my body. And my blood pressure still won’t come down and Clark is still begging begging begging me not to die. I wanted to fix him, and I just wound up breaking him more. He was so scared. I’ve never seen him that scared. All the things we’ve faced together and- I don’t ever want to see him look like that again.” Her voice shook, tears streaming down her face and she recalled that terrible day.
Lois looked down at her knees, picking mindlessly at a snag in the fabric in her leggings. “After that, things just...spiraled out of control. I don’t even know anymore. We were both just so broken. But I never stopped loving him. Not for one single second.”
She looked up and met Martha’s gaze. “I promise you, I never stopped loving him. And I’m so sorry I left him.”
“Did you, though?” Martha asked, quietly. “Did you ever really leave him? Or did you just step back long enough that you could both heal?”
Lois shook her head in confusion. “I-”
“Lois, you live two streets away. You see him almost every day. You spend every holiday with him. You vacation with him. You’re all he ever talks about -- you and the kids. You bring him so much joy. You still cover for him and keep his secrets -- not just to protect the kids, but to protect him. You encourage him. You challenge him. You comfort him.”
Lois stared in confusion, unable to form a response.
“On bad nights, sometimes he comes to me to vent or just to sit with me and have a cup of tea and forget. But on his worst nights? The nights when he sees the worst of humanity? When he pushes himself beyond the limits of what even he can do? When he sees things no one should ever have to see? He never comes to me on those nights. Where does he go on those nights, Lois?”
Tears spilled down her face. She nodded, silently confirming Martha’s hunch. “I just love him so much.”
“I know, honey. And he knows too. I know this was a hard season. But you never really left him. Your relationship just looked different for a while.”
Lois sobbed, as everything shifted in her brain - the last four years reordering itself as something entirely different.
“Thank you,” she choked out, eventually. “It helps so much to think of it that way.”
“And now?” Martha prodded gently. “Now things are changing?”
Lois nodded. “We both want the same thing. We want to be together. We want to find our way back to how we were supposed to be. We want our family back together.”
Martha leaned forward and hugged her. “You have no idea how happy that makes me.”
“Thank you for last night,” Lois said, wiping her eyes and taking a steadying breath.
“Oh, you’re more than welcome for that. I’m always happy to babysit my grandchildren. I miss them terribly.”
“You should come more often,” Lois said quickly. “It would make us all so happy. The children ask for you constantly, and Clark is so much happier when you’re here. And we have so much to catch up on.”
Martha smiled. “Maybe I will. It seems like we could all use some time to reconnect. Speaking of, do you have plans tonight?”
Lois waved a hand at the stacks of file folders littering the coffee table. “Just work. Nothing exciting.”
“Why don’t you come for dinner? I’m making lasagna.”
“I’d love that,” Lois replied, meaning every word of it.
****
Three hours later, Lois stood on Clark’s front porch with a bottle of wine in her hand. She’d changed into dark jeans and a purple top with a thick gray cable knit sweater belted tightly around her waist to keep out the chill. Her hair was loose, hanging around her shoulders. She knocked, and after a brief pause, Clark opened the door. She watched a series of emotions flitted across his face, from surprise to joy.
“Hey! I wasn’t expecting you. What a great surprise,” he said, reaching for her and pulling her into a hug.
“Your mom invited me,” Lois told him as he slid a hand down her back, ushering her into the house, and closed the door. “She didn’t tell you?”
“No, but that makes me so happy,” he said, and she could hear the sincerity in his voice. “Did she come talk to you this afternoon?”
Lois nodded, and he beamed at her. “I was hoping that was where she was when she disappeared for an hour-long walk.”
Lois glanced around to make sure the children weren’t lurking around, and reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. “I’ll tell you all about it later. It was intense. Right now I just want to have dinner with my family.”
He kissed her again, not even attempting to hide his delight.
“Ah, there you are,” Martha said, coming around the corner. “The lasagna is in the oven -- Mattie helped, and she’s quite proud of herself.”
Lois slipped from Clark’s embrace and turned to face Martha. “That’s wonderful. I brought wine,” she said, holding the bottle aloft as evidence.
“Excellent. Let’s go open it in the kitchen. I’ve been wanting to tell you about this book I just finished reading.”
Lois glanced back over her shoulder as she walked, meeting Clark’s eyes and smiling happily.
Mattie was in the kitchen, peeking through the window on the oven door when they walked in. “Mom! What are you doing here?”
“I heard a rumor that Grandma Martha taught you to make her world famous lasagna tonight, and I couldn’t miss that.”
Mattie hugged her and grinned up at her, and Lois was struck once again by how sweet and young she still seemed sometimes, even as she was obviously on a verge of a new stage of life.
The lasagna was delicious, and when she was finished eating, Lois sat back just watching her family around the table, her heart full and happy.
She was just about to stand and start clearing the table, when Clark’s head jerked up and his eyes glazed over. She stilled, watching and waiting to see if he needed to go. His eyes met hers with a silent plea, and she leaned forward, catching the attention of her children. “You know what I think we need after this amazing meal?” she asked. “Ice cream! What do you say? Should we send Daddy out to get ice cream?”
JP whooped with joy, and Clark shot her a grateful look. “Your wish is my command!” he joked, standing and heading for the door as quickly as possible without running. “I’ll be back before you know it!”
Lois stood and started to gather the plates and salad bowls while JP raced around the room shouting about ice cream. Mattie, meanwhile, stayed seated and silent, her brow furrowed. When Lois reached for her plate, Mattie met her eye. “There’s ice cream in the freezer,” she said. Then she stood, and walked upstairs to her room.
“Clark told me this was becoming a problem,” Martha said softly, standing and helping Lois to clear the table.
Lois sighed. “I had so hoped we’d have another year or two. But we can’t do this much longer. I don’t think she’s figured it out, but she definitely knows something is going on, and the longer she struggles to figure it out, the angier she gets.”
“Clark said you were just waiting until after the election,” Martha said, scraping the plates and stacking them near the sink. Lois began to rinse them and load the dishwasher.
“Yeah, we wanted to be able to give her our undivided attention. I wish we could wait longer. Until winter break maybe, so she’d have time at home alone with us to process. But I don’t think we can wait that long.”
“Another month or two isn’t going to make a big difference in terms of her being mature enough to understand it,” Martha said. “But that’s a long time for the anger to fester.”
“Exactly,” Lois agreed. “Clark is miserable about it. I think he feels like it’s going to be a huge burden on her shoulders and that’s all his fault. I think he still thinks of this as HIS secret. But it’s not. It's ours.”
Martha nodded, finishing up with the dishes and moving to the counter to pack up the leftover lasagna. Lois put the last of the dishes into the dishwasher and closed it up. “I’m going to go talk to her.”
Martha reached out and squeezed her arm. “Trust your instincts.”
Lois climbed the stairs and walked down the hall to tap on Mattie’s door.
“What?” Mattie called.
“Can I come in?”
“Whatever.”
Lois took a deep breath and opened the door.
Mattie was on her belly on the bed, a book open in front of her. She didn’t look up.
Lois walked over to the bed and sat beside her, resting a hand on her back and rubbing gently. “I know you’re frustrated,” Lois said softly.
Mattie looked up at her, anger flashing in her eyes. “I’m not stupid. You treat me like I’m stupid.”
“I know you’re not stupid, Mattie. I don’t think that at all. I just want to protect you. You’re my baby. I love you so much. And sometimes grownups keep secrets from kids to protect them.”
Mattie sat up, suddenly listening. It was the first time Lois had ever admitted that they were keeping a secret from her. “Is it something dangerous?” she asked quietly.
“No,” Lois said slowly. “The secret itself isn’t dangerous at all. Or bad. It’s...kind of wonderful. But if the wrong people found out, it could become dangerous.”
Mattie’s brow furrowed, and Lois knew she was working hard on solving the mystery.
“I can’t tell you yet,” Lois said. “But soon, Daddy and I are going to sit you down and tell you everything. I promise. In the meantime, no more lies, okay. Not between us. I’ll just tell you he needs to go. I won’t make up a reason.”
Mattie launched herself into Lois’ arms, and Lois held her tight. “I love you so much, Mattie-cakes,” she whispered, using the baby nickname Mattie had long ago forbidden.
“I love you too, Mommy.”
“Want to come back downstairs and wait for Dad to come home? We could watch a movie.”
Mattie nodded, and they stood and went downstairs together. Martha and JP were playing checkers at the dining room table. Lois went into the living room and handed Mattie the remote, earning herself a wide smile. Then she flipped on the gas fireplace and went to retrieve her unfinished glass of wine from the kitchen.
When she got back to the living room, Mattie was starting The Spiderwick Chronicles. Lois settled into the corner of the couch, sipping her wine, and Mattie snuggled close.
“It’s like watching at a movie theater,” Mattie said gleefully, and Lois rolled her eyes. Ever since Clark had splurged on the giant TV, the children had waged an endless campaign to convince her to buy one as well. They never missed an opportunity to point out how much better their dad’s television was.
The movie was surprisingly engaging, and Lois found herself entertained more than she expected.
When Clark returned a half hour later, she watched him take in the cozy scene, his eyes landing finally on her. She smiled at him and he mouthed, “I love you.”
Lois beamed at him, but before she could reply, JP caught sight of Clark. “Daddy! It’s ice cream time!”
Clark’s smile disappeared, and Lois could see that the ice cream excuse was long forgotten. She caught his attention again and mouthed, “in the freezer.” He shook his head and smiled with affection and appreciation.
“You got it, buddy! You finish up your game with Grandma, and I’ll bring you a bowl.”
“I’m going to go talk to Daddy for a minute,” Lois whispered, stroking Mattie’s hair. “I’ll be right back.”
Lois followed Clark into the kitchen, where he was pulling two cartons of ice cream from the freezer.
He held up a carton and raised an eyebrow. “Good save,” he said.
“I didn’t know there was ice cream in the freezer. Mattie did.”
He froze.
“She’s okay,” Lois said, stepping close and resting a hand on his chest. “She was furious at first. But I promised her no more lies. I told her we weren’t quite ready to tell her the secret, but admitted that there was one. And I told her that I wouldn’t make up any more cover stories when you have to leave. I said I’d just tell her you need to go. I also told her the secret isn’t scary or bad. It’s wonderful. But it could be dangerous if the wrong people found out, and that’s why we haven’t told her yet. To protect her. She seemed content for now with that explanation.”
Clark was quiet for a minute, and Lois started to worry that he was upset she’d said as much as she had to Mattie without talking to him first. “Clark?”
He met her gaze, and cupped her cheek. “I was thinking about how much I appreciate you. What an amazing mother you are. How incredibly lucky I am.”
“I love you,” she whispered. He tipped his head and kissed her gently.
Later, after ice cream was eaten and children were put to bed, the three adults reconvened in the living room. Lois sat close to Clark on the couch, fingertips lightly stroking his hand where it rested on her thigh.
“Martha,” Lois said thoughtfully. “When does your flight home leave?”
“Saturday morning,” she replied, settling into the armchair.
“What are you thinking?” Clark asked, watching her face. “You look like you have a plan.”
“Not a plan. A thought. I think we should tell Mattie before your mom leaves. I think it would help if we all did it together. Your mom can give her a perspective neither of us can. And it might show her she has all three of us to turn to if she has questions.”
Clark nodded. “Mom?”
“Of course. Just say the word.”
“Can you cancel your Friday classes?” Lois asked, turning to Clark. “I can take the day off. We can pull Mattie from school for a fake doctor’s appointment or something. Give her the day at home without JP, take our time with it. Or we could do it Thursday. I can take either day. Or both.”
“Let’s do it Thursday,” he said reluctantly. “That gives her an extra day with my mom here. She can take Friday off school too, if she wants.”
Lois nodded in agreement, and Clark pulled his hand from her leg, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. Lois rubbed his back, and then stroked his neck. “It’s going to be okay. She just wants to know the truth.”
“The last time I told someone the truth, it didn’t go so well,” he said ruefully.
“Clark, that is entirely different,” Lois said, growing frustrated. “First of all, you DIDN’T tell me. I figured it out myself. Secondly, the reason I was so upset was because you lied to me for years. You didn’t just keep part of your life a secret, you actively lied to me. I had a whole relationship with Superman. Not just the crush that annoyed you, but a friendship. He joked with me, and confided in me, and came to me for help. And he danced with me. And he kissed me. I had all these conflicted emotions because I felt guilty that I loved you, but I still had feelings for him. That I was still attracted to him. But of course I was. Because he was you. And you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”
“We haven’t had this fight in a while,” Clark said, sitting up, eyebrows raised.
Lois softened and reached out to stroke his cheek. “We’re not having a fight. I just want you to see how different these situations are. Mattie has no relationship with Superman. She isn’t going to have to come to terms with the things I had to wrestle with. And honestly, it hurts a little when you talk about me finding out like it was a disaster. I know there was an adjustment phase, but I never stopped loving you. I married you. I’m sitting here fourteen years later discussing how we explain the truth to our daughter. Did it really turn out so poorly?”
Clark looked stricken. He reached for her, taking her hands in his. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. You finding out was the start of all the best things that ever happened to me.”
“Hold onto that. If she needs a minute to come to grips with this, hold onto that. She’s going to keep loving you, and this is the start of something wonderful.”
He pulled her in for a hug, and Lois relaxed into him.
“I’m going to turn in,” Martha said softly, rising from her seat in an obvious attempt to give them privacy.
“I should go, actually,” Lois said, reluctantly. “I need to finish preparing for work tomorrow. It’s going to be a long two days.”
“Did you walk here?” Clark asked, and she nodded. “I’ll fly you home. It’s late and cold.”
Lois started to protest, and then realized there was nothing she wanted more in that moment than for him to fly her home. She stood and reached for him. He took her hand and stood beside her.
“Good night, Martha,” Lois said.
“Good night, honey,” Martha said, pulling her in for a hug, and then heading upstairs to the guest room.
They slipped out the backdoor, onto the patio, and he glanced around quickly before scooping her into his arms and shooting into the sky. Seconds later, they were on her balcony.
She opened the door, and a strange looked passed over his face. “What?” she asked.
“I just realized I didn’t even ask if the balcony door was unlocked. I probably should have asked.”
Lois laughed. “Clark, you can’t be serious.”
“What?”
“I never lock your door. Ever. In the entire time I’ve lived here, I’ve never locked that door.”
He started to respond and then seemed to change his mind, and just pulled her in for a kiss.
