An hour later, they were gathered in the living room. Mattie and Lois sat on the couch, while Martha sat in the armchair. Clark paced nervously in front of them.
“Ok, Mattie,” he said, coming to stand in front of her and then crouching down until he was at her eye level. “I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time. I wish I’d never had to keep it a secret. But in order to keep our family safe, we had to. I know you’ve noticed that I often have to run away suddenly, and the reasons that I give for those disappearing acts don’t always -- or even often -- make sense. The truth is-”
“That you’re Superman,” she said quietly.
The room went silent. Clark’s face was comically shocked. “What? How did you-? When did you-?” he spluttered.
Suddenly, months of tension evaporated and Lois felt slightly hysterical and began to laugh. “I can’t believe you didn’t get to give your speech. Again.”
Martha started laughing too. “Maybe you’ll get to be the one to tell JP. You can save your speech for him,” she reassured him.
Clark looked back and forth between them, completely at a loss. “Why are you laughing?” he asked, which only made them laugh harder.
Mattie began to giggle a little too. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Yes,” Clark said quietly, his voice full of wonder. “How in the world did you figure it out?”
“Mom told me the secret was good and only dangerous if people found out. I just kept trying to figure out what could be good and dangerous. Something good that made you rush off all the time.
“And at the same time, something about this morning kept bothering me. It seemed familiar, but I couldn’t place it. And then I remembered. This morning. In the kitchen. Mom threw the dish towel at you when you made fun of her cooking, and you said ‘hey hey, no throwing things in the house’ and that’s exactly what Superman said the day he busted through the window. You said it exactly the same, and you looked at Mommy exactly the same way. That same smile you always have when she teases you. And then it all made sense. When you disappear, it’s because you have to rescue someone, isn’t it.”
Clark nodded wordlessly.
Lois laughed, delighted by Mattie’s combination of analytical skills and investigative instincts. “You are amazing.”
“She’s you,” Clark whispered, awed. Lois turned to face him, and her stomach fluttered at the adoration in his eyes.
Lois squeezed his hand, and turned to her daughter. “In all seriousness, Mattie, I think this is a really good illustration of how hard it is to keep this secret, and why we had to hide this from you until now. To the rest of the world, Superman is this god-like hero who flies in and out and saves the day. He’s unknowable. He’s something set apart.
“The reality is that Superman is just…your dad. He’s a way for your dad to use his powers to do good in the world without having to give up his real life or put us at risk. But even when he’s in the suit, your dad is still your dad.
“We’re his weakness, Mattie. Because he loves us just the same no matter how he's dressed. He’s always struggled to hide his love when he’s in the suit. I didn’t understand that for a long time, but I know now that’s why it was so confusing to me when I thought he was two different people. The love he felt for me didn’t just disappear when he put on the suit.” She looked up and offered Clark a small smile, an apology for their not-fight the other night.
She turned back to Mattie and continued. “If the wrong person saw him laugh at the way I tease him, or touch me in a way that only your dad touches me, or play with you or your brother...they would see. And that’s the danger. Because they would know that there is absolutely nothing in the world your dad wouldn’t do to protect us.”
“He broke the window,” Mattie said quietly. “When you screamed.”
Lois nodded. “Your father has saved my life more times than I can count. He’s done impossible things to save me. And he would do them for you and JP in a heartbeat. He would risk his own life to protect us. And that’s a whole lot of power in the hands of the wrong person. That’s why I stopped chasing stories where Superman was likely to have to rescue me. And that’s why your dad and I usually avoid each other when he’s in the suit in public. That’s why you never knew that I named Superman until you saw that old photo at Uncle Jimmy’s. That’s why -- broken window aside -- Superman never came to visit you or your brother. And it’s why your dad never used his powers in front of you, and why he lied to you about where he was going. Because if you knew before you were old enough to protect the secret, you could put yourself -- and all of us -- in danger.”
“I understand,” Mattie said quietly. “We can’t tell JP. He would blab to all his friends.”
“Exactly,” Lois said. “When you were born -- before you were born -- we made a lot of changes to our lives to protect you. And one of those changes was hiding who your dad is and what he can do when we were at home, so that you couldn’t accidentally put us in danger. It’s not fair to ask a child to try to keep that kind of secret. And we wanted to wait as long as possible before we asked you to take on this responsibility. Because keeping the secret can be a lot of work. We thought we had a few more years, but...you were too smart for us.”
Mattie smiled proudly.
“Now,” Lois said. “I bet you have a million questions.”
Mattie nodded.
“Why don’t we let your dad tell you his story from the beginning? I happen to know he’s been practicing this speech for a long time.”
When she looked up, Clark’s eyes were on her, and the love in them took her breath away. “Come sit with us,” she said, nodding at the spot on the couch on the other side of Mattie. “Tell her the story.”
Clark sat down beside Mattie and took her hand. “Once there was a dying planet, and a tiny baby…”
****
When the story was finished, they sat quietly, letting Mattie absorb the information.
“So, the powers…” she started hesitantly. “You have them all the time? Even when you aren’t wearing the suit?”
He nodded. “The suit is just a disguise. It doesn’t have any special powers. Grandma makes them for me.”
Mattie leaned forward on the couch, looking to Martha for confirmation.
“You should have seen all the variations we tried before we landed on this one!” she said, laughing. “There were some really ridiculous options.”
“Show her,” Lois whispered, reaching behind Mattie to stroke Clark’s neck. He grimaced, obviously still reluctant.
Lois turned and retrieved her half-drunk cup of coffee from the end table, where it had grown cold while they talked.
“Mattie,” she said, catching her attention. “Look here.”
She put the cold ceramic cup in Mattie’s hands, then covered them with her own hands. She looked up at Clark expectantly. He shook his head and rolled his eyes, a small smile on his lips.
“Come on. Please,” Lois cajoled, and he caved, lowering his glasses and focusing on the dark liquid. Slowly, the cup warmed and the liquid began to bubble. Lois took the cup from Mattie before it could burn her hands, and set it back on the coaster.
“Wow,” Mattie said softly. “You did that with your eyes?”
“Heat vision,” he confirmed. “I have x-ray vision, also. And I can see really, really far away.”
“And he can fly,” Lois teased. “I’m not sure if we mentioned the flying.”
Clark laughed despite himself. “We all know your mother’s favorite power.”
“Is it scary?” Mattie asked. “Flying?”
“No, baby,” Lois said. “It’s incredible.”
She seemed to contemplate that for a minute. Then she started to ask another question hesitantly. “Will I...have powers someday?”
Lois reached out and squeezed her knee. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I wish we had all the answers for you. This..” Lois waved a hand, indicating the three of them. “...has never happened before. We know that when other Kryptonians came to Earth, they had all the same powers your father has. So we can assume that if you were fully Kryptonian, the answer would be yes. But we don’t know whether that will be negated or diminished by my genes.”
Clark’s face twitched and his brow furrowed suddenly. Lois gave him a questioning look and he shook his head and shot a glance at Mattie, sending a clear message that he didn’t want her to ask about his reaction in front of Mattie. She made a mental note to ask about it later.
“We have no way of knowing,” Clark agreed. “But my gut feeling is yes. Maybe not as strong as mine. But it seems likely. Or at least possible. You both inherited plenty of other things from me. I don’t know why this would be different.”
“When will we know?” Mattie directed her question to Clark, and her tone was curious and maybe even hopeful, not panicked or disgusted as she knew Clark had feared. Lois breathed a quiet sigh of relief and sat back with a smile, watching Clark slip unconsciously back into his confident father role.
“Well, again, I can’t say for sure. But I started noticing things when I was eleven or twelve. Nothing obvious like flying. But I was sometimes fast -- really fast -- and strong -- really strong. It didn’t happen all the time. It wasn’t like a switch flipped. So I couldn’t be sure. But sometimes I would surprise myself with how fast or strong I was. And when I was ten, I was climbing up in the rafters of the barn, and I fell. It’s...a long drop. I was sure I would break a leg. But I just hopped up and brushed myself off. It didn’t even really hurt.”
Martha rubbed a hand over her face wearily, and Lois couldn’t help but laugh.
Clark shrugged, and grimaced playfully. “Sorry, Mom.”
Mattie laughed and Clark’s smile lit up his face.
“I had no idea this was a possibility when I was your age,” he told Mattie. “It took us years to figure out what powers I had and how to control them. You don’t have to struggle like that. If you think you notice anything -- anything at all -- come to me, and we’ll test it. I’ll help you figure it out.”
Mattie launched herself into his arms for a hug, and Lois bit back tears. His whole body sagged with relief, and he closed his eyes and clung to his daughter. “I love you so much, Mattie-girl. So much. I know this is a lot to take in, but that’s the most important thing.”
“I know, Daddy. I love you, too.”
Lois took a deep breath and released a sigh. Clark opened his eyes and met her gaze, his eyes bright and intense. “Thank you,” he mouthed.
“I love you,” she mouthed back.
When Mattie sat back up, they all sat in silence for a minute.
“Do you have any more questions, Mattie?” Lois prompted gently.
“How did you figure it out?” she asked quietly.
Lois was caught off guard, expecting another question for Clark about powers. “Me?”
“Yeah, how did you figure out Daddy was Superman? Daddy said you figured it out before he could tell you, like me, but he didn’t say how.”
“Well,” Lois said, looking from Clark to Martha, trying to decide how much to tell her without scaring her.
Clark leaned past Mattie, and reached out to cradle her cheek, his thumb stroking gently. She gazed up at him, heart so full. He smiled at her, and then slid his hand away and sat back up.
“He did that,” she said softly. “As Superman. I went to Superman to ask him to help me do something. Something to help your dad. I was really upset and worried, and I closed my eyes, and Superman did that. And I...just knew. I felt him— your dad.”
“Because that’s how Daddy touches you,” Mattie said. “That’s what you meant earlier. That’s a way that only Daddy touches you.”
“Always,” she said, shifting her gaze from Mattie to Clark. “It’s special. No one else touches me that way. So I knew.”
When silence settled over them again, Martha was the one to break it. “Why don’t we take a break? I’m sure Mattie will have lots more questions, but we have all day.”
Lois nodded. “Mattie, you can stay home tomorrow too if you want. Daddy and I both took the day off work, and Grandma Martha will be here too. You can ask anything that comes to mind. Just remember, not in front of JP. And that also means not making it obvious that you have a secret. If you have a question or something you want to discuss while he’s around, just sneak off and find one of us or wait until we have a minute alone. No announcing that you need to talk privately and piquing his interest.”
Mattie nodded solemnly.
“Come on,” Martha said, standing. “How about we go bake some cookies? I think we all deserve cookies after this morning.”
Lois smiled at her gratefully, so glad Martha was here for this. Her steady, gentle presence was exactly what they all needed. When they left the room, she turned to face Clark. Before she could say a word, he reached for her and pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her.
“I told you so,” she teased gently, stroking his cheek.
“That was...better than I ever dared imagine,” he admitted.
“Don’t you know how much we love you?” she asked softly, echoing his question last night.
“I guess we all need reassurance sometimes that things aren’t too good to be true.”
****
Mattie was pulling the last sheet of cookies carefully from the oven, when Lois saw Clark still, his eyes darted to the side, unseeing. She sat on her bar stool and watched him frozen in front of the fridge where he’d been gathering supplies to make sandwiches for lunch. When he came back to the present, she looked at him questioningly and he nodded.
“Mattie,” she said gently. “Watch.”
Mattie sat the tray on the counter and turned to look at her. Lois nodded toward Clark, and Mattie turned her attention to him.
Clark’s eyes lingered on Lois’ face for a moment, and she tried to convey every ounce of her love and her faith that Mattie would be amazed, not disturbed. Suddenly he began to spin into a blur of red and blue, and when he stopped, Superman stood in their kitchen.
“Whoa,” Mattie said. “That was AMAZING.”
Lois laughed. “I know, right?”
Clark reached out and squeezed Mattie’s hand. “When I come back, we could go flying.”
She nodded her head eagerly and his face lit up with an entirely un-Supermanlike grin. “I can’t wait,” he told her, dropping her hand and turning to leave the kitchen.
He paused in front of Lois at the bar, and she looked at him questioningly and tipped her head toward the door, urging him to go. He shook his head and gazed at her adoringly, then reached out to cup her cheek. Her breath hitched, and her heart felt like it would explode inside her chest. “Go, Clark,” she whispered finally. “We’ll be here when you get home.”
He drew back his hand gently, and then in a blink he was gone, the rattle of the back door the only sign that he had left.
She turned to face Mattie and found her smiling. “He loves us just the same, no matter what he’s wearing,” Mattie said.
“Yes, sweet girl. Just the same.”
*****
“It was amazing,” Clark said, stripping off his shirt and tossing it in the laundry basket. “She kept asking to go farther or higher or faster. She couldn’t get enough of it. I didn’t think I was ever going to convince her to come home. I had to promise to take her again tomorrow.”
Lois leaned against the bathroom sink, beaming, as Clark finished getting ready for bed and told her all about his flight with Mattie. She’d heard Mattie’s awestruck version at bedtime as well as Clark’s briefing for her and Martha after the kids were in bed, but she couldn’t get enough of listening to Clark’s joy as he recounted their adventures.
When his story lulled, she suddenly remembered the question she’d wanted to ask him. “Hey, what was that this morning? When we were talking to Mattie about whether she might have powers eventually and you made that face?”
Clark nodded and looked hesitant for a minute. “You said we didn’t know to what degree your genes might negate or diminish mine. And I know exactly what you were getting at, and it’s a valid question, but I really hate that word. We just need to find another way to phrase that, especially when we’re talking to our kids.”
Lois looked at him perplexed. “I don’t understand.”
“Nothing about you diminishes me,” Clark said firmly. “You make me better than I am. You bring out all the best parts of me. And I do not care if they inherit my powers. Our children would be lucky to be just like you.”
Lois started to protest and he put up a hand to stop her. “I know you didn’t mean it like that. I’m not upset. I’m just telling you, I had a visceral reaction to that word. I don’t like it. I’m sure we can come up with another way to talk about the ways in which our genes might have combined, and how those combinations might be expressed in our children.”
“Fair enough,” she acquiesced, and he smiled at her gratefully.
“I still can’t believe I was so worried about this for nothing,” he said, his voice still a little awed. “I never imagined today like this. Even my best case scenarios were less...jubilant. More quiet acceptance.”
“I’m not surprised,” Lois said, reaching for him as he approached. “We love you so much.”
He dipped his head and kissed her, then scooped her into his arms and strode from the bathroom back into the bedroom, tossing her into the middle of the bed.
“Clark!”
“Shh,” he hushed her, climbing playfully across the bed to her, and kissing her again.
She ran her hands over the soft skin of his back, tracing the taut muscles. His mouth abandoned hers, trailing hot kisses down her neck.
“Clark, we can’t. Your mother is right across the hall,” she protested half heartedly, her questing hands contradicting her words.
“Just be very, very quiet,” he whispered, sliding her shirt over her head and trailing his kisses lower.
Later, after she was very, very quiet, they pulled their pajamas back on and crawled under the covers. She stroked his cheek and sighed contentedly. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy,” she confessed. “Not even in the beginning. Not even when Mattie was little.”
He smiled and kissed her tenderly. “I know. Everything is heightened now. When you know how fragile everything is, when you know how it feels to lose everything, it’s so much sweeter.”
She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest, drifting quietly. He stroked her hair gently, and the world faded to a blur.
The next thing she knew, the bedroom door was creaking slowly open. She blinked her eyes, finding the clock on the nightstand. 2:38 am.
“Mommy?”
“What’s wrong, Mattie?” she asked, sitting up, suddenly wide awake.
“I just remembered something,” she said quietly, a quiver in her voice.
“What, baby?”
“Kryptonite,” she whispered.
Beside her, Clark sat up and held out his arms. “Come here, sweet girl.”
She climbed into bed between them, like she had when she was a little girl who dreamed of big bad wolves and scary neighborhood dogs. She curled into a ball, resting her head on Clark’s chest, and he wrapped his arm around her.
“We haven’t seen Kryptonite in a long, long time,” Lois whispered, rubbing her back. “To be safe, we have to assume it's out there, but I hope it’s gone. I hope all the pieces have been destroyed or sunk deep in the ocean.”
“We don’t know if it will affect you,” Clark added. “My greatest hope is that the genes you got from your mother make you immune or resistant to its effects.”
Lois met him eye over Mattie’s head and he raised his eyebrows and offered her a tiny smile in a silent acknowledgement that he’d left this part out of their conversation earlier. He didn’t have to say why. He knew how much she hated thinking about Kryptonite, how much it scared her to even say the word.
She reached out and squeezed his hand, then rubbed Mattie’s leg comfortingly. Mattie turned her gaze on Lois, “But Daddy?”
“Yeah, baby,” she said. “It’s scary, I know. I’m sorry. That’s why we have to be so careful.”
“But that only protects him when he’s not in the suit,” she whispered. “When he’s Superman, everyone knows how to hurt him.”
Lois’ heart twisted in her chest, both for the pain her daughter was feeling and with her own desperate fear.
“Your mother talked a lot today about the times I’ve saved her, and the sacrifices I’d be willing to make to protect her or you or your brother,” Clark said quietly, drawing Mattie’s attention back. “But she didn’t say anything about all the times she’s saved me.
“She didn’t tell you about the times she’s shielded me with her own body or rushed dangerous criminals to grab Kryptonite from their hands. She didn’t tell you how she solved the mystery of how to burn it from my bloodstream or how she used Kryptonite to save me when I was so sick I nearly died. She didn’t tell you about the time she dug a Kryptonite bullet from my body with her bare hands.
“Your mother, without any superpowers, has saved my life more times than I can count. She loves us so much. And she will never let anyone hurt us. She’s our secret weapon against Kryptonite. I hope every day that you never see it, and if you do, that it doesn’t affect you. I hope you got the best parts of your mother and me. I hope we both gave you all the protection we have to give. But you don’t have to be scared. For yourself or for me. Because if it is still out there, your mother will protect us.”
Her heart ached in her chest, her breathing shallow and silent. When she finally lifted her head and met his eyes, the tears she’d been holding back spilled down her cheeks. He reached up and cupped her cheek, wiping to tear away with his thumb. She put her hand over his, holding it still and turning her hand to kiss his palm. Then she turned her attention back to her daughter.
“We love you so much, Mattie. More than anything in the entire world. We won’t let anything hurt you. And we won’t let anything hurt each other. This family takes care of each other.”
Saturday November 8, 2008
Lois wandered aimlessly in her bedroom, not yet ready for bed but not sure what to do with herself. The kids were sleeping, and the house seemed unnaturally quiet.
Her gaze fell to her cell phone, plugged in and charging on her nightstand. She was tempted, for the hundredth time that day, to call Clark and see what he was doing. Three nights of sleeping at his house and she no longer seemed to know what to do with herself without him.
When Clark had taken Martha to the airport that morning, she’d brought the kids back to her house like they’d planned a week ago. Only so much had changed in a week that the plan seemed ridiculous now. Her bed seemed huge and lonely and the whole house seemed too quiet.
She knew that if she called him, he would come. If she was honest, he was probably waiting and hoping for an invitation. Sneaking him in and out was so tempting, but she really didn’t want to get caught in a lie to their children, not when a big announcement was likely so close. They were in agreement that Clark should move home, and neither of them wanted to wait long to tell the children. She didn’t want to tell the children one thing this week, and something entirely different a week or two from now.
And there was no valid reason to give the children for him to spend the night at her house. Martha’s visit -- and Mattie’s new secret -- were already a stretch as an excuse for her prolonged presence at his house. Now that things were “back to normal”, they would be confused and would ask questions she wasn’t ready to answer if they were to find him in her bed or half dressed in their kitchen tomorrow morning.
This wasn’t forever, she reminded herself. Just a few more weeks. Surely, they could live without seeing each other every day in the meantime. Her eyes fell to the phone again. Maybe she could just call him.
He answered on the first ring. “I miss you so much.”
“I’m dying over here,” she joked. “I need you to tell me I’m being ridiculous. That I’ll be just fine not seeing you for a day or two.”
The phone line went silent and there was a soft tap at the balcony door. She took a step toward the door, phone still in her hand, and opened the door.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I can’t do that. If you’re ridiculous, then so am I.”
She flew into his arms, raising her face to his and sliding her hands around his neck. His lips met hers and she felt him bend and slide an arm under her thighs, lifting her into his arms. He stepped inside and pulled the door shut, and took a few quick steps to the chair. He sat, arranging her gently on his lap, and kissed her hungrily.
She stroked his cheek, returning his kisses, longing for him to stay. Slowly, his kisses went from desperate to tender to gentle. And when he pulled away she whimpered in protest. “Don’t stop,” she begged, sliding her lips to his cheek, then his ear.
He groaned. “Lois,” he whispered. “You have to decide if you want me to stay and make love to you and sneak out early, or if you want me to go home now. I can’t be here in the morning when the kids wake up.”
“I want you so much,” she whispered, trailing kisses down his neck.
“That’s not what I asked,” he said, his tone firm but his voice cracking.
“Mommy?” a little voice called from down the hall.
They both froze. Clark slid his glasses down and paused for a moment, watching and listening. “He’s fine, but he’s definitely awake. You should go check on him.”
“Don’t leave,” she whispered, and he nodded. She slipped off his lap and out the door, closing it softly behind her.
When she returned a few minutes later, he was still seated in the chair. He reached for her, and she went to him, but the desperation was cooled for both of them. He pulled her into his lap and stroked her cheek, kissing her gently then pressing a kiss to her forehead.
“I should go,” he said softly. “I shouldn’t have come at all. It was too tempting. But I just…”
“I know,” she replied, resting her head on his shoulder and stroking his chest.
“I have a present for you,” he said teasingly. “Maybe it will help you kill some time until we see each other again.”
She lifted her head and looked at him questioningly.
“I have to go get it. I’ll be right back.” He stood and slid her to the floor, then zipped out the door. He was back before she even had a chance to contemplate what it might be.
He handed her a manilla file folder, and she looked at him skeptically. He laughed. “Open it.”
She flipped open the cover and saw a thick stack of paper held together with a binder clip. The top sheet read, “Time and Again by Clark Kent”
Her head whipped up, and he nodded at her questioning gaze. “I didn’t forget. We’ve just been busy. I was going to email it to you, but I know you hate reading on screens.”
“Thank you,” she said softly.
“You’re welcome.” He cupped her cheek and kissed her gently, then took a step back, toward the door.
Her eyes darted from the manuscript to her bed, and he laughed, reading her mind. “Oh, now you’re ready for me to go.”
She laughed too. “I just can’t wait to read it.”
“Well, I hope you like it. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She set the folder down on the bed and reached for him again, and he pulled her into a tight hug. Then he kissed her cheek, and slipped out the door, disappearing into the sky.
She closed the door and hurried to the bed, retrieving the folder and bringing it with her as she slid under the sheets and propped herself up against the headboard. She unclipped the papers, turned over the top sheet, and began to read.
