From Part 1:
With a jolt, Clark sat straight, scrambling backward. Would Lois be able to guess what his dream had been about? He blushed furiously and his breath still came in panting gasps.
"Lois," he croaked, startled.
License To Love
Part 2:
His voice was hoarse with all that desire still burning inside him. He shouldn't be shocked to see her, after all it was her apartment, but her presence was quite unnerving. Guilt rippled through him as the subject of his dreams had caught him red-handed mooning over her.
She flinched and for a terrifying moment he thought he actually saw a look of disgust flash across her face. But that couldn't be true, now could it? After all, this was his Lois. His body turned numb.
Her brows were furrowed in concern. "You had another nightmare, didn’t you?"
He gaped at her. He’d somehow ended up forcing himself on her and she was asking him about his nightmares? This was what she wanted to talk about? He was confused. But since he didn’t actually look forward to discussing what else had just happened here, he was almost happy to go along. His hands trembled as he nervously ran them through his hair.
Clark couldn't quite look at her. "Yes."
She reached out to squeeze his hand. “Didn’t you tell me they were getting better?”
Suddenly, pictures of the scared, disgusted Nightmare-Lois flooded his senses. He fought against the impulse to pull his hand back. His breath quickened, while he felt hot and cold at the same time. A tremor ran through him, as he did his best to focus his attention on the real Lois, who was beginning to look rather worried. But there was still a smile somewhere on her lips. She didn’t look particularly scared. At least that part of his dream hadn’t been real. He tried to hold onto that thought like a lifeline as the walls seemed to be closing in on him.
“They were,” he managed to say. “But they’re getting worse lately.”
His voice was thick with the guilt of all the things he didn’t tell her.
The nightmares usually were better when he was near her. Ever since he'd gotten to know Lois, they had gradually become less frequent, less intense. But as their relationship had grown into a close friendship, something about the dreams had changed. They were no longer just replaying the torture Clark had suffered at Trask’s hands. The more Clark allowed himself to think of Lois as more than just his friend, the more Trask taunted him about the impossibility of someone loving him.
The night after Lois had given him her key, Clark had had the worst nightmare yet. The fear of another dream like that had spurred his half-baked plan of visiting her tonight. He’d believed that she wouldn’t mind him passing out on one of her loveseats after an evening spent together. That perhaps she’d let him sleep at her place. That her presence - even if he intended no more than listening to her heart beat - would keep the nightmares at bay. Well, it hadn’t turned out that way. Coming here had been a terrible mistake. Now, to top it all off, Lois was invading his nightmares as well. That was a new quality indeed.
Clark lost the fight against his fears and pulled his hand back. It was no use. He couldn’t change what he was. He shouldn’t be bothering Lois, least of all with his nightmares.
“Oh, Clark,” she whispered and inched closer.
A little too close for comfort. He could practically feel the warmth radiating off her body. He could smell the scent of her perfume mixing with soap, fear and something else he couldn't quite discern.
She laid a hand on his thigh. Sparks of excitement rushed through him. Clark froze. Part of him wanted to get closer to her and see if touching her for real would feel as good as it had in his dreams. Part of him just wanted to run off as fast as he could.
If Lois noticed his discomfort, she gave no indication. "I’m taking it the dream was really bad?"
She gave his thigh a soft squeeze, sending his heart rate sky high. He couldn't breathe. He wasn't able to say or do anything but feel her hand on him. Her warmth set him on fire, renewed his longing and let his skin burn. And after what he'd just done to her, he couldn't quite tell which flame burned more intensely. The flame of desire or that of utter mortification.
He merely nodded, his voice refusing to obey him.
"You know it's not true, Clark!” Lois said full of conviction. "Trask is a madman and he's not right about you. I believe many people would say the same, if they knew you existed and what you have done for the world. Even Scardino has the utmost respect for you, and he almost doesn't know what respect means. Trask is the monster, not you!"
Clark was grateful to hear her say that with the same kind of conviction and without sounding annoyed, even though this must be like the thousandth time she'd repeated that. And her affirmation that he wasn't the monster usually helped drown out Nightmare-Trask's taunting.
He sighed and shook his head, sadly. "It used to be easier to convince myself of that, but…" He trailed off, wondering if he wouldn't be better off leaving the details to himself.
"Tell me about it, Clark," she pressed gently. "It will help."
He nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "You know my dreams have been changing. That Trask never actually said the things he keeps telling me in my dreams."
"Yeah, you mentioned that he keeps mocking you, insisting that I would never want to be your friend. That I'm just playing with you.” She gave him a reassuring smile and touched his forearm. “You know you mean a lot to me."
His voice was trembling. "Something about this dream was different."
He knew he was a terrible liar. What he'd failed to mention about his dreams was that their content had gradually turned more and more erotic.
Clark shifted his position, feeling even more uncomfortable than before. What was he thinking? He couldn't start by admitting that he wanted to make love to her. But then, he had somehow ended up sweeping her up into his arms and… kissing her? He wasn’t quite sure, but the slightly swollen state of her lips and the faint taste of her in his mouth told the story he did not quite remember. How could she even still be speaking to him after what he’d done to her? Without her permission no less! He started to feel increasingly sick.
“I’m so sorry, Lois,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I… I think I forced myself on you. That should never have happened. Did I… did I hurt you?”
“No you didn’t.” She gently reached for his hands and took them in hers, squeezing them lightly. “You have absolutely no reason to be sorry about what you did, Clark. You were asleep. If anyone, I should apologize because I didn't wake you earlier.”
“But I scared you,” he protested.
“Only a little, when you fell,” she admitted quietly. “It’s okay, Clark. Really, it is. Now what did Nightmare-Trask tell you?"
"It doesn't matter, I... don't believe it." Clark said lamely.
"Then why are you looking so unhappy?" She ran her hand along Clark's cheek and made him look at her. "Please tell me what your dream was about!"
His world narrowed to the feel of her hand on his cheek. But the comfort that small motion provided was at war with the all-too vivid memories of his nightmare. A furious flush tinted his cheeks and his mouth ran incredibly dry.
“Can’t you guess?” he said hoarsely. He couldn’t meet her eyes as he continued. “I was dreaming of kissing you, of us… making love." He only whispered those last two words and buried his face in his hands. “Trask said that no one would ever want to be with me in that way."
"Aww, Clark, that's terrible," she reached out again, trying to make him look at her.
He flinched at her touch. He didn't want to. It shouldn’t be like this. This was Lois. She would understand that he'd no control over what he dreamt. All he needed to have was a little confidence. But that was difficult when the face of the person comforting him mirrored the woman who had called him a thing. He shrunk in on himself.
"That's not all," she guessed.
"Please, Lois, leave it be," Clark begged. "I…I will work through it, I promise."
She heaved a sigh and shook her head. "At what cost? Clark, something terrible is eating away at your soul. Don't give him that kind of power over you."
Clark pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. "In my dream, you were there, too," he grunted. "Nightmare-Lois hid behind Trask as if he'd saved her from being raped by me. You…she looked so sacred and so repulsed. She said that she wouldn't have sex with a…" He choked on the words, unable to say them.
"With what?" Lois said, her voice hoarse.
He harrumphed. "A thing…. Because that’d be… perverse. Trask had quite a few other words for it. Don't…don't make me repeat them."
Lois stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. “You know I’d never ever call you a thing. That's horrible.”
“I know, Lois, I know.” Clark’s voice was barely a whisper, lacking any sort of conviction.
His heart hammered in his chest and his throat tightened. Once more he felt like he couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow... He was standing right at the edge of a deep abyss, one he knew he wouldn't get out of despite all his powers.
What if she had that disgusted look on her face, because she secretly agreed with Nightmare-Lois? What if she found the mere thought of being intimate with him just as repulsive? Just six short months ago, she’d looked at him just as scared, when he’d removed his belt and approached her, fully believing that he could be capable of such an abominable act as rape.
Feeling numb all over, Clark got up. He shouldn't have said anything and kept his dreams to himself. Perhaps, if he just got away from her, before Lois managed to overcome her shock, he wouldn't need to tumble into that abyss. Perhaps, he would still be able to retain what little dignity he'd left.
Clark staggered back. He knew he had overstepped the boundaries of his existence. He couldn't have more than friendship and he would have been well-advised to accept that, even in his dreams. Now it was too late.
Suddenly, Clark felt Lois' hand close around his forearm. There was a deep frown on her forehead. "Where do you think you're going?"
He trembled. "Look, I'm really sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know I have no right to expect anything like that of you. And I really don’t. It’s just..." He trailed off, unable to form the words.
Her frown slowly disappeared. "Did you really dream about us making love?"
Was he imagining it or did she sound hopeful? Once more, his heart fluttered with excitement, and he tried to put a lid on this particular feeling because he knew how much it would hurt if he read her wrong.
"Clark?" she asked. Lois pulled at his arm, guiding him to sit back down. "You really want us to make love?"
The world stopped turning. They stared at each other, frozen in time. Neither of them moved, as if they were separated by an impenetrable glass panel that would keep them apart forever.
But suddenly, that barrier shattered. Clark’s ears were ringing with the imaginary sound of splintering glass. In the blink of an eye, Lois was all over him, pressing her lips to his until they exploded in sensation. He was lost and found, falling into a different kind of abyss that swallowed him up completely. It was scary, but also strangely comforting. He couldn’t help it. He gave himself over to the gentle prodding of her tongue that quietly slipped past his lips and started a dance unlike any other. She teased him, played with him and let her tongue retreat in an obvious invitation for him to explore her mouth. A sudden boldness took hold of him and he deepened their kiss, tasting her silky sweetness. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced, better than any dream could ever be. And he couldn't get enough of her, didn't want for this moment to end. Ever. Because breaking that kiss couldn't be but a small death, the end of something unique, eternal that could never belong to him. Yet, inexplicably, at this very moment it did.
But eventually, they had to part. And every cell in Clark's body mourned the loss of contact.
Lois nervously brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear and blushed slightly. "I'm sorry for attacking you like that. It's just…” She bit her lower lip. “I'm so overwhelmed that you think about me in that way. You… you never really mentioned anything. And after what Scardino told me, I wasn't sure...”
"You weren't sure about what?" Clark felt his cheeks grow hot and wondered if it was possible to die of embarrassment. "What exactly did Scardino tell you?"
“I couldn’t understand why he was so confident Luthor wouldn't hurt you,” Lois said quietly. Her eyes were downcast as if she, too, wasn’t comfortable talking about the subject. “I was so worried because I knew how weak you were. I asked him and he... You know him, he’s not exactly subtle.”
“No, he’s not,” Clark agreed. He held his breath, wondering how this connected, what it had to do with...
“He asked me if I was in love with you. Then he warned me that you wouldn't be interested in me that way. Or in anyone else for that matter, men or women alike.” She drew a shaky breath. “When our friendship became closer, I was wondering if maybe he was right.. If maybe Kryptonians are asexual. You never said anything and you are from another planet.” She clapped her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it that way. You know I don’t care about where you were born. You’re more human than anyone I know.”
“It’s okay, Lois,” Clark grimaced. Hard as he might try, he couldn’t help but feel a little hurt, even though she was merely stating a fact. “After all, I am an alien.” He kneaded his hands.
He didn't know what else to say. Until he'd met Lois, he had wondered exactly the same thing. He couldn't say that he had much experience with women. When he'd come to Bureau 39, he'd still been too young to be interested in girls. And as he grew older, he hadn't had much contact with people. There had only been a handful of people who'd even talked to him on a regular basis, none of them female. He'd been part of some top secret, very hush-hush program. That had pretty much prevented him from becoming part of any kind of crowd. Whenever he'd been around soldiers who passed around photos of naked or scarcely dressed females, he hadn't been particularly interested in them. After he'd learned about his alien origins, he'd often wondered whether that was the reason for his indifference toward women. It had seemed like a suitable explanation. Until Lois had come along.
***
Clark seemed to be deeply lost in thought. His discomfort was tangible. A heavy silence hung between them, thick with so many things that needed to be discussed but hadn't yet been for fear of overstepping some invisible line between them.
Lois felt her throat constrict as - for the first time since she'd met Clark - the possible implications of his being an alien really dawned on her. He looked like a human being, he acted like one, most of the time anyway. But he was a Kryptonian - a different species from another planet. What if he really wasn't like other men? What if it would be physically impossible to make love to him? She closed her eyes.
It shouldn't really matter. She'd never much cared for that physical aspect of a relationship. With Lex Luthor, she’d tried to block out intimacy altogether, telling him that she wanted to wait. Of course, if she had actually married him, sex would have been expected of her. She’d been aware of that, but she hadn’t looked forward to it. Her first time with Paul had been more painful than enjoyable, her encounter with Claude mercifully quick. Perhaps that had been her fault, because later, she’d listened to other women gushing about Claude’s abilities as a lover. Unfortunately, too late to spare her the broken heart. To cut a long story short, in her opinion, sex was vastly overrated.
So, why did it matter with Clark all of a sudden?
She was still the same frigid woman she’d been when she’d slept with Paul and Claude, wasn’t she? But some part of her she'd never thought existed wailed in despair as she contemplated the distinct possibility that Clark might not be able to sleep with her. And at the moment, he gave no indication that he was going to break the uncomfortable silence. Perhaps, Kryptonians and Earth women were incompatible after all? Lois felt as if she was going to choke.
Clark finally cleared his throat. "To be honest, until I met you, I tried not to waste too much thought on my sexuality. It wasn't going to happen anyway. Me falling in love, I mean."
He fell silent once again. Her heart hammered in her chest and the blood rushed in her ears. Did that mean…? Had he really just said that?
"You're in love with me?" Lois whispered.
His nod was almost imperceptible, as if he hadn’t meant to say that aloud. He grimaced slightly, chewing on his bottom lip.
Lois' heart was beating so hard as if it wanted to burst through her chest.
Tears welled up in her eyes. “Oh, Clark, you don't know how much I've been longing to hear you say that. I love you, too. So much.”
She flung herself at him. He caught her in an embrace, wrapping his strong arms around her. She buried her face in his chest and inhaled his masculine scent, intermingled with soap and cologne. Warmth radiated from him. She felt so incredibly safe and secure in his arms. And suddenly she was just unable to keep the tears at bay. They flowed freely down her cheeks, soaking his shirt.
“You do?” he croaked. “You really do?”
There was a slight hitch to his voice, as if he, too, was at the verge of crying. His hands framed her face, his thumbs wiping away her tears. She looked up at him. His eyes were blinking fervently, while the most beautiful smile she’d ever seen was plastered across his face. But a single tear rolled down his cheek, despite all his efforts.
"Shush," he whispered. "Don’t cry, Lois. Please don't cry."
"I'm just so happy." She smiled at him and got on her toes to kiss away the single tear that had escaped him. "I'd be lost without you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Lois,” he said wryly. “Of the two of us, I’m certainly the one who is more lost. I’m just glad that you put up with me.”
She frowned. “Why would you say that?”
“I threatened to rape you!” He countered. “I shot at you point blank. I did so many unspeakable things and you still say that you love me.”
“Oh, Clark, would you please stop saying that?” Lois replied with a hint of annoyance. “You have apologized for the things you did like a million times now. There was no harm done, quite the opposite in fact. You saved me from a fate worse than death, twice! What would have happened to me, if I had actually married Luthor? What would the Shamrock of Horrors have done to me, if you hadn’t made them believe you raped me? And you didn’t shoot at me, you missed me on purpose.” She cupped his cheek and stroked it with her thumb. “There’s a difference, you know.”
She got on her toes and closed the distance between them. Her breath caught, because she was afraid that he had already changed his mind and would withdraw. He didn’t. But she could practically see the wheels inside his mind turn. There was a haunted look in his eyes that made it pretty clear Clark still wasn’t at ease with this new development in their relationship, even though he might want her just as much as she wanted him. She hesitated to kiss him again.
“Forget about Trask, Clark,” Lois whispered urgently. “His opinion is not important. I don’t care where you were born. It’s your gentle heart I love, your humor and your courage. Now kiss me, you big lunkhead.”
His troubled expression crumbled into a smile and he tipped his forehead against hers. “Did anyone ever tell you that insulting is not the way to win a man’s heart?”
She laughed and playfully slapped his chest. “Is that so?”
He grinned and nodded. “But I think, for you, I’m going to have to make an exception.”
For long seconds, nothing happened. Lois watched Clark, her heart constricting as she witnessed him fight his demons. She wanted to help him and once more take the initiative. But something inside her insisted that she had to wait, that she shouldn’t try and push him into something he wasn’t ready for. But eventually, ever so slightly, he leaned in and touched his lips to hers.
At first, it was nothing more than that – his lips on hers, his breath against her skin. Still, even that peck caused a rush of excitement to run through her. His hands came to rest on her shoulders and he slowly deepened the kiss into something more than a peck. His lips parted and his tongue slid forward, brushing against her mouth, silently asking for her permission. Gladly, she complied. And just a moment later, she was just swept away by the intensity of his kiss.
It was as if she could just taste everything there on his lips, his loneliness and despair of so many years. His longing and love, his hopes and dreams. Nothing mattered, but his strong arms around her and the gentle, playful banter of their tongues as they explored each other’s mouths. She felt like she was floating above the ground, just a few inches, but still. She never wanted to touch the ground again. If being with Clark was like this, then she’d gladly kiss him for the rest of her life.
But then, he pulled back. His eyes were wide. “No,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry!”
Lois blinked in confusion. They’d just shared what had to have been the most wonderful kiss in the history of mankind! What on Earth was he sorry about?
“I… I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he muttered. His cheeks turned a shade of crimson.
“You didn’t mean to kiss me?” Lois asked, taken aback. Her confusion mixed with anger.
“No…Yes...” he groaned. “Just look at us.” He gestured toward the floor.
Lois looked down and couldn’t stifle a small yelp. She clutched at Clark as she realized that they were indeed floating several inches above the ground. He deliberately let out a slow breath and lowered them back to the floor. His eyes were cast down and he couldn’t meet her gaze.
Lois laid her hand on his arm. “It’s okay, Clark. We were just floating.”
His lips became a tight line and he retreated several steps. “It’s not okay,” he said tersely. “Don’t you realize how dangerous this is? I was just kissing you and lost control over my powers. I could have hurt you.”
Lois shook her head. “You were floating, Clark. There was never any danger of you hurting me.”
She made a step forward, trying to close the distance he’d put between them. But he retreated even further, so Lois decided not to pressure him. He stared at her, deeply troubled.
His expression turned incredibly sad, but there was also anger tinting his voice. “How could you possibly know that?”
The high walls he’d built around himself were firmly back in place. Lois could almost physically sense them, as if he tried to push her away without ever touching her. In the span of a few minutes, their relationship had suddenly returned to its state before Clark had reluctantly opened up to her. That hurt, certainly more than any of the things he’d ever done to her physically. Lois felt her throat constrict and her anger rise.
“Because I know you better than you think, Clark Kent, even though you try very hard to keep me at arm’s length,” she shouted. “And I know that you’d never hurt me, not intentionally or otherwise.” She saw him shake his head, but before he even had a chance to speak, she continued her rant. “You were angry at me, when I tried to escape you, even more so after Ray had stabbed you. Really angry and really desperate. Yet, you didn’t hurt me. And what happened after you shouted all those mean words to make them believe you raped me? You threw up, didn’t you?”
He opened his mouth, but once again she wouldn’t let him speak.
“Don’t deny it!” she dared him. Lois couldn’t believe he was being so stubborn. Did he still doubt how she felt about him? “Whenever I recalled what happened that night, I couldn’t help but wonder why you kept dashing into the bathroom. You should have been watching me if you really hadn’t wanted me to attempt another escape. At the time, I wasn’t in the right set of mind to connect the dots. But from what I know about you now, there really is no other explanation.”
He nodded slowly. “I’m not denying that.”
“See,” she said triumphantly and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “And even while you were having that awful nightmare, you kept me safe. You’re a good person, Clark. And I just know that you’re not going to hurt me.”
A weak, self-conscious smile played around his lips. “I wish I was as sure of that as you seem to be, Lois.”
Once again, she approached him and this time he let her. She unfolded her arms and reached for his hands to take them in hers. “Please, if you really love me, give this a chance. Give us a chance.”
To be continued
Last edited by bakasi; 06/16/22 01:45 AM.
