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License To Love

Part 3

Clark tried to drag himself away from Lois but found that he couldn't. His conscience warned him that he was flirting with disaster. He couldn't help it. He was mesmerized by the feel of her warm hands around his, her thumbs gently stroking their back. And even this small circular motion sent a pleasant shiver down his spine.

Her enticing lips were slightly open. The dark brown pools of her eyes were full of love. It almost seemed to him as if he could physically sense her affection touch him like a warm blanket. For a moment, he closed his eyes, drinking in the sensation.

He didn't want to leave.

Being near her was scary and wonderful, all at the same time. He swallowed hard. Staying was a huge risk. He didn't know if he was willing to take it. But what was the alternative? Staying lonely for the rest of his life? Returning to this half-life he'd been leading? How could he go back to that hell after he'd gotten a taste of heaven? How could he go and break the heart of the woman who'd saved him?
His heart cried out in pain. He wanted more of this. Wanted more of her, of her wonderful lips, her humor and her love.
Maybe, she was right. They deserved that chance.

He'd only been floating. That wasn't so bad. He’d control his reaction to her and everything would be fine.

After all, he'd really just kissed her for the first time. Clark cringed. Make that the second time.

But then, he'd still been far too caught up in his nightmare to really be aware of all the emotions that had flooded him with the force of a tsunami. He'd brace himself for the onslaught of sensation and he'd be fine. They'd be fine. They had to be, because he needed her so much.

His heart was beating in his throat and his breath hitched as he leaned in. A flicker of hope made her eyes positively glow. She tilted her head slightly and wrapped her hands around his shoulders, drawing him closer.

He touched his lips to hers, carefully. He could do this. Just one kiss to prove it was possible to show her his affection in a way he so desperately longed to explore with her.

Gradually, he deepened the kiss. A jolt of electricity rushed through him as if he'd been struck by lightning. Clark lost himself in the sweet softness of her mouth. Any coherent thought just stopped. All he knew was that he'd been starving for this, her touch, the gentle brush of her tongue against his. It was addictive, intoxicating. He craved yet for more of these incredible sensations that were cursing through him, clouding his mind. The world around him faded, until it was just his mouth on hers, her soft scent in his nose, driving him crazy.

His hands were tingling with the need to caress her. He gently let them roam her back. As she pressed her body more firmly against his, making contact with him, he felt like he might explode with desire for her. This was beyond wonderful, beyond anything his senses could deal with. A low moan escaped from deep within his throat.

Something bumped into his head, shaking him out of his wonderful daydream. He blinked in confusion as the room suddenly looked awfully different, smaller, somehow shrunken.

"God, no!" His heart stopped.

He was floating again! As if someone had doused him in a bucket of ice water, all the pleasant feelings vanished, leaving him awfully sober.

Quickly, Clark brought them down. He let go of her as if he'd burned himself on the green crystal. This was bad, really bad. Nothing short of a disaster!

He staggered back until he hit the wall, putting as much distance between them as he could. What had he been thinking?

Well, clearly he hadn't been thinking. At all. Any coherent thought has just fled him with a mere brush of her lips. A single kiss and everything he’d painfully learned about controlling his powers was gone.

This couldn’t go on.

He couldn’t do that to her! Whenever he touched her, he got carried away. It was too dangerous.

His breath came in panting gasps as the implications crashed on him.

He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t think straight, when she was near him.

His throat tightened as he looked at her. His gut curled up into a tight knot as he noticed the flicker of fear in her eyes. She was scared of him. And she should be. He was a loose cannon!

Blood was roaring in his ears. “This is wrong. I’m sorry, Lois. But I just can’t….” His voice cracked. “I can’t…”
She was standing there, looking utterly bewildered. Still, so beautiful. Her tender lips that begged to be kissed again. The swell of her breasts, that he longed to feel under his hands. Shapely legs that made his mouth run dry at the mere thought of kissing his way up her silky skin. He wanted her so much. Maybe not right now, there was so much he still had to learn. He'd been hoping that someday he'd find out what it was like to make love.

But now he realized that he could never have that, not with his thoughts straying the first chance they got. Images of all the things he’d dreamed of clashed with the awful reality of his alien nature. Caresses that should have been light and feathery were crushing her delicate bones under his fingers. He closed his eyes, but that didn’t help in the least. Bile rose in his stomach, as he realized how little of his strength it would take to seriously hurt her. How easily a night of passion could end up in a catastrophe.

He covered his face with his hands, helpless against the onslaught of horrors invading his mind. If a mere kiss made him lose control like that, what would he do to her if things went even a step further than that. He might kill her!

Her voice seemed to be coming from far away. “Clark, relax. It’s okay. We will work it out.”

“No, we won’t!” he cried. “Don’t you understand that? What you’re asking is too dangerous, Lois. And I can see you’re scared, too. You should be! Coming here was a mistake.”
She paled. “Clark, you can’t be serious!”

Part of him wanted to embrace her, give her the comfort he so desperately craved. Her soft scent still lingered with him. God, he loved her so much, needed her so much. He recoiled in horror as he realized where his thoughts were going again.

He had to get a grip. He couldn’t stay another moment. He had to get out of here and find a place where he could breathe… where he could think without thinking about making love to her… hurting her.

He couldn’t have what he longed for. He couldn’t place her in that kind of danger for purely selfish reasons.

This had to end now.

Clark felt as if someone had suddenly squished all hope out of him.

His aching heart had barely been on the mend, but he couldn’t continue down this path. Much as he’d dreamed of being with Lois, he had to accept that he just couldn’t have intimacy with anyone. And a relationship without intimacy wasn’t fair to Lois. He couldn’t ask her to make that kind of sacrifice for his sake. He didn’t want her to. She deserved happiness.

His arm was trembling as he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out the spare key she’d given him a week ago. Gently, he placed it into the hand that had been still holding his.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. A tear was slipping down his cheek as he brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear, allowing himself to touch her one last time. “I love you. That’s why I have to leave.”

Not even stopping an asteroid had been as difficult as leaving her in this very moment. His chest was tight with the incredible pain of a broken heart. He couldn’t breathe and his emotions that had been spiraling so high just a short while ago, had left only numbness in their wake.
He hardly noticed where he was going. His body was working on autopilot as he opened the door and walked out of her apartment. The sound of the closing door drove a knife deep into his heart. It felt as if he’d left the best part of himself behind. The guy walking down the stairs and out of Lois’ apartment building was no more than an empty shell, a shadow of the man he’d been before.

Just as he crossed the street, he heard her voice again. “Clark!”

He turned. In the faint light of the street lamp, he could see that her eyes were rimmed red, as if she was fighting tears. He’d made her cry again. His heart clenched in despair. She wasn’t even wearing shoes. Her hand was squeezing the key he’d returned to her.

“Don’t walk away,” Lois pleaded.

His voice was hoarse. “I have to, Lois. Before this can get any more complicated than it already is.”

She reached for his arm. She had to know that she couldn’t hold him back, but she tried anyway. “It doesn’t have to be complicated. You love me and I love you. That should be enough, don’t you think?”

He hung his head and let out a sigh. “You deserve better, Lois. I love you with all my heart, really I do. When you kissed me earlier, it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. But with all those emotions running high? I lost control over my powers! I floated - and who knows what else might happen, when it’s not just a kiss. This is just too dangerous.”

She tried to interrupt him. “But Clark-”

He cut her off, before she could torture him by letting him hope for something that could never be his. “I could never show you my love in a physical way, much as I would want that. There’s so much unfulfilled desire between us, do you really think that either of us would be happy in a relationship that’s strictly platonic? You deserve someone who can love you in every sense of the word.”

Lois shook her head. “What about you, Clark? Don’t you think you deserve all those things as well? We could go about it slowly. You know how to control your powers, you just need to find a way to deal with these emotions.”

“Love is not something you can control.” He smiled at her wistfully and cupped her cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb. “I have to accept that it’s not possible to love you that way. And it wouldn’t be fair putting that kind of burden on you.” He removed his hand and leaned in his head, placing a soft peck on her cheek. “Good night, Lois.”

Then he took a step back, glanced to both sides and shot up into the sky.

He made it no more than a few hundred yards up into the night sky. His heart was beating in his throat. He wanted to leave. But the pull of gravity seemed stronger around Lois’ apartment. It killed him to watch her standing barefoot in the cold night air. Her sobbing cut him right to the quick, particularly since he knew very well that it was his fault.
He should never have come here, should never have entertained the idea of getting closer to her. He should have recognized the warning signs for what they were. He hadn’t floated in his sleep since he’d first developed the ability. Early on, Trask and Newcomb had put a stop to that particular habit by punishing him with the green crystal everytime he did float without meaning to. The same way they had treated every single case of lost control. And as a result, he’d become very good at controlling his powers. Until now - until Lois. It made losing control all the more alarming, all the more terrifying.

He should have known that it wouldn’t be possible, that someone like him just couldn’t…

“Damn you, Clark Kent.” Her choked sob pulled him out of his musings. He guessed that she’d rather have screamed, “You think you’re so darn noble, but you’re really just another idiot.”

Then she turned around and stormed back into her apartment.

Clark winced as she called him an idiot. It was true of course. So very true.

Perhaps, it would have been healthier if he’d just left. But somehow, he couldn’t. So he remained hovering above her apartment building and tortured himself some more with watching her as she shuffled toward her fridge. Lois pulled out a huge carton of chocolate ice cream, fetched a spoon and dug into the dark brown treat. His heart constricted and for a moment there he was tempted to go back to her and apologize. But to what end? What good would it do to apologize for leaving her, when the ugly facts of life would simply stay the same?

With some difficulty, he averted his gaze that was still drawn to her. He had no idea where to go. His one-room apartment did not seem like a good idea. He’d feel even more like a caged animal there than he already did. And he was far too wired to find any rest. His parents would already be asleep, but he didn’t know how he was supposed to talk to them, anyway. If he wanted comfort, he shouldn’t have panicked and left Lois.

Clark cursed himself. Why did he have to make such a terrible mess of things? He'd come to show Lois the article to his first real investigation, something he'd done for his journalism class. Instead, he’d hurt her deeply, his best friend, the woman who always knew how to say the right things. Who made him feel like he actually was a human being, just like all the others around him. Who let him belong.

He felt so incredibly torn. Part of him desperately wanted to go back, part of him wanted to run as fast as he could. As if he could escape reality, if only he flew fast enough. He knew he’d never be able to break free if he continued to run. But he didn’t have the courage to go back either. So all that remained was aimlessly floating above the city, agonizing over what to do.

And wired as he was, his limbs were also still heavy with exhaustion. The bit of sleep he’d gotten at Lois’ place wouldn’t last him another week, maybe not even a whole day. But after this evening’s nightmare he dreaded going back to sleep more than ever. With recent events, he was almost certain that aside from Trask, Nightmare-Lois would haunt him as well, most likely bruised and battered after his clumsy attempts at love making.

And tonight and the following day, he didn't even have work to keep his thoughts occupied.

He closed his eyes as his mind helpfully provided him with the memory of Lois as she’d walked out of his bathroom, blood smeared across her face, her clothing torn to shreds and her face seemingly covered in bruises. It had only been make-up, but he felt just as sick to his stomach as he had all these months ago.

Eventually, Clark managed to drag himself out of his paralyzed state and he sped further up into the dark night sky. High enough that nobody would be able to see him as he pushed himself to his physical limits and beyond them. The world around him became nothing but a blur, the wind in his face almost painful. If only it would really hurt, then maybe that pain could replace the all-encompassing pain that was radiating through him now.

Darkness and light alternated at an impossible rate. He lost track of time, couldn’t have told where he was or where he was going. He just went on until he couldn’t go any longer.

Exhaustion caught up with him. It became harder and harder to keep his eyes open and maintain his height. His body, it seemed, took over. His mind was only semi-aware of where he was going. Clark barely registered his descent. As his body hit the ground, he was already sound asleep, too out of it to be haunted by nightmares.

To be continued...