Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic Federal Disaster (5-6/37)

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Chapter 5

Lois sank down onto her couch and closed her eyes. She hadn't realised how badly she needed some space until now.

She was so used to compartmentalising or outright denying her emotions that they sometimes took her by surprise. She still wasn't the best at handling the feelings of insecurity or doubt that seemed to creep up on her.

She stood up and made her way into the kitchen, where she pulled the kettle from the cupboard and put it on the stove. Tea would help. Tea always helped. She rustled through the drawer she kept her tea bags in only to come across some of the special loose leaf teas that Clark liked. She’d started keeping them here for him once they'd gotten engaged. It had made it feel as if they were already combining their lives at least a little. Now it caused a little stab of fear to shoot through her.

It was easier assuming everyone would hurt and disappoint her. But being in a relationship with someone she genuinely believed in was even scarier. She knew what to do when men left. But she had no idea how to handle it when they stayed. And Clark was definitely intent on staying.

The kettle boiled and Lois poured her tea, heading back into the living room. She set the tea down before heading into her bedroom and changing into her pyjamas. It was partly for comfort and partly for self control. She knew she wouldn’t cave in and call Clark asking him to come over if she was wearing the most unflattering pair of flannel pjs and her fuzzy bunny slippers.

He wouldn’t care, you know, her inner voice told her. You could be wearing a gunny sack and he’d still want you. She frowned. That should make her feel good. It should make her feel over the moon, and most of the time it did. Ninety-five percent of the time, Lois was walking on a cloud of air knowing that she was well and truly loved by the most amazing man she had ever met. But that five percent was still there. And sometimes it was loud — loud enough to cause her to doubt herself.

Because she didn’t doubt him. She was the one who wasn’t sure. She was the one who didn’t know how to navigate something this good — this healthy. Her past relationships all fell somewhere on a scale between narcissist to psychopath.

And then there was Clark. Wonderful, sweet, sexy, out-of-this-world Clark. A man who could make her forget her own name with just the touch of his hand. A man whose eyes promised forever every time he looked at her. A man who couldn’t possibly know what that promise meant to her because he’d grown up in a home filled with unconditional love.

That concept was foreign to Lois. All love had come with conditions for her. All love was transient. At least that’s what her parents had taught her. And so she’d held a part of herself back from Clark. She’d told him she wanted to wait — that she wanted it to be special.

She took a sip of her tea, enjoying the taste of the soothing herbal berry fruit concoction that she’d chosen. She couldn’t be bothered dealing with milk and sugar tonight. She just wanted to sit and be.

She hadn’t lied to him. She did want it to be special. But she also knew that she was scared of what came after. Of what would happen to her if she gave him all of her — for that’s what she would be doing when they finally made love. She’d be completely vulnerable with nowhere to hide and nobody to run to if things didn’t work out. Could she risk that? She’d never given herself that fully to anyone — not even the men she’d thought she loved in her past.

In a way, though they had hurt her, having sex with them had been easier. She'd known that she would heal. Even after Claude destroyed her self-esteem and her trust, she had known she would heal. And she had. She'd hardened herself...became stronger...tougher.

Colder.

And then Clark came along and stripped away all armour and pretense. When they finally made love, she’d be at the mercy of the unknown.

And it would be one thing if she thought he had the same fears and doubts, but one look in his eyes told her he didn’t. He might be anxious about being with her for the first time, but it wasn’t the same thing. He hadn’t been hurt the way she had.

She sighed. Thinking about all this was giving her a headache. She was supposed to be relaxing. But relaxing was difficult when she knew that Clark was — as he put it — just a phone call away and tomorrow’s work day promised to put her face to face with the man who had been the cause of some of these doubts and fears.

She wasn’t looking forward to seeing Claude again, but after hearing about a potential assasination plot, it wasn’t like they could very well ask Perry to re-assign them. They were in this now for better or for worse. She winced at the choice of words.

She shook her head and forced herself to focus on work. Work was safer. She and Clark had made a plan of attack to begin by looking at snipers capable of making a shot from far enough away that Superman wouldn’t hear it. But that was only half the puzzle. The other half was figuring out who would want to kill the President and why.

That one would be tougher. And Claude’s presence would only hinder them. After all, they couldn’t speak freely about Superman while he was around.

She took another sip of her tea and glanced over at her phone. She wanted to call him. She wanted to invite him over, pop in a movie and lean into his arms. She reached for it and almost made the call but managed to stop herself. Being around him was too dangerous right now.

One kiss would lead to another and before she knew it she would want to take the comfort he offered even if he had promised to behave himself. After all, how much temptation could a v...very patient man like him endure?

She sighed and decided to run the bath instead. She’d order takeout later and watch the movie herself. It occurred to her as she turned the water on that it couldn’t hurt to make an appointment with Doctor Frisken. She hadn’t had a session with her in a while — not since becoming engaged to Clark, mainly because she hadn’t felt she needed it. Those first few months of their engagement had been a high like no other.

But now as the wedding loomed closer, the realities of an impending marriage were beginning to set in, and Lois was feeling it. It couldn’t hurt to have a sounding board to tell her if her fears were real or imagined.

Bathtub filled, she padded back into the kitchen and looked at the calendar on the side of the fridge. She was relieved to see that Monday nights were one of the nights Doctor Frisken stayed later. Lois could still book an appointment.

She grabbed the phone and dialled the number and was automatically connected to the secretary, who asked her in an absent voice to “please hold.”

She waited, trying to block out the irritating elevator music the office used, until the secretary eventually came back on and asked how she could help her. Lois informed her she was a patient of Doctor Frisken’s and that she would like to make an appointment with her as soon as possible.

“I have something first thing tomorrow morning, would that work?”

Lois thought about it. Clark would have to cover for her, but she knew he wouldn’t mind. She did it for him often enough after all.

“That’s fine,” she told her, not for the first time grateful that her job wasn’t a normal nine to five like everyone else’s. It wasn’t unusual for one of them to arrive later in the day or even the afternoon if they were chasing leads on a story.

Appointment booked, she set the phone down and chewed her lip slightly. This meant she would have to call Clark after all and let him know that she would be late arriving to work. It also meant leaving him alone with Claude.

She took a deep breath and dialled Clark’s number. It had barely rang once when she heard him pick up. Had he been waiting by the phone? Her heart sank at the thought.

“Hi,” she said, feeling oddly and inexplicably shy.

“Hi, yourself,” he said and the warmth in his voice radiated through the phone. “I didn’t expect to hear from you. How are you?”

She knew he was trying to sound casual and was failing miserably. Superman notwithstanding, Clark was a terrible liar.

“Uh, fine,” she replied, sounding equally as awkward. “I was just about to run a bath and I thought I would let you know that I might be a bit late to work tomorrow. I have a...doctor’s appointment I forgot about.”

“Everything okay?” he asked, switching from hopeful to worried.

“Oh, yeah,” she assured him, wondering why she didn’t just tell him she would be seeing Doctor Frisken. It’s not as if he didn’t know she’d been a patient for a while now. “Nothing special...totally routine.”

"Good." Now he sounded just as unsure of himself as she did. "It's just...for a minute I thought you were calling because you changed your mind."

"No," she blurted, then backtracking added. "Not that I don't want to. I do. Want to, I mean. But I got the bath all ready and I'm in my fuzzy bunny slippers and everything…"

Wow. So it was possible to fit a size eight shoe entirely into a person’s mouth.

“Okay,” he said after a moment or so of awkward silence. “Well, I should probably let you get back to your bath.”

“Yeah, thanks,” she replied. “I’ll uh...see you tomorrow after my appointment.”

She wanted to add that she was sorry to leave him to work with Claude on his own and to remind him to behave himself, but found herself unable to do it. She also wanted to invite him to join her in the bath.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

She needed to get off the phone.

“I love you,” he told her. “Goodnight.”

“I love you too,” she told him, hanging it up before she could say anything she might regret.



Chapter 6

"So, Lois, it's been a while." Doctor Frisken's voice was calm and welcoming — completely at odds with how Lois was feeling.

She wasn't used to talking about her feelings. She'd grown up being taught that open displays of emotion could be used against you. That had been further reinforced by every unsuccessful relationship she'd been in. And there had been a lot. It had been very difficult for her to come around to the idea that having an objective professional help her sort through those feelings was a good thing. Even then, it always took a certain amount of courage for her to pick up the phone and actually make the appointment.

"I guess I've been busy," Lois said, feeling somewhat flustered under Doctor Frisken's scrutiny. She also wasn't used to being at a loss for words.

"Yes, it certainly looks like it." Doctor Frisken nodded at her engagement ring. Lois blushed and looked down at her hand. “The last time I saw you, you still hadn’t made up your mind. What changed it?”

Lois thought for a moment before speaking.

“I got the chance to see life through his eyes — you know, to really understand the difficulties he faces and the choices he has to make at times. It really put things into perspective.”

Doctor Frisken gave a slow nod and wrote something on her pad. Lois couldn’t help but try to get a glance at it. She hated not knowing what was being written about her.

“It helped you understand his absences, then?” Doctor Frisken asked. “I remember you were conflicted about them.”

“Yes,” Lois replied, thinking about the juggling act that Clark had to balance every day between work, being Superman and their relationship. Having his powers — even for the brief period she’d had them had been a profound experience. She’d really come to understand just how strong he was. Not because of what he could do, but because of the way he managed to stay positive even when things seemed hopeless.

“That’s good,” Doctor Frisken said, though her face and tone remained the same. Lois couldn’t help but think that she’d make an excellent poker player. “So what would you like to talk about today?”

“I don’t know,” Lois said, suddenly conflicted again. What if she voiced her fears out loud and they sounded stupid? “My career is going well, I am engaged, I have so much that I didn’t have even a year ago…”

She trailed off, not sure of how to say what she wanted to say without sounding ungrateful. Doctor Frisken sensed her discomfort and spoke again, this time her voice a little warmer.

“Lois, do you know why I call that couch you are sitting on my ‘but couch’?”

Lois gave her a curious look.

“No.”

“Because it’s the place where people tell me what they want if only they could get past themselves.” Doctor Frisken chuckled at the obvious confusion still etched over Lois’ face. “The ‘I want to have a baby, but…’ or the ‘I think I need a new car, but…’ or the ‘I want to change jobs, but…’ Now, what’s yours?”

Lois took a deep breath. “I am engaged to marry the man I love, but we haven’t been physically intimate yet, and I am convinced that once we are, I will somehow ruin everything and break his heart, not to mention an ex of mine is also in town...well, I’m not really sure if he counts as an ex...does he count as an ex if he sleeps with you and then leaves you? Anyway, he’s in town and it’s complicating things and there’s a big problem at work that he has to help us with and I don’t know what to do.”

She paused for a breath, took in Doctor Frisken’s deer in headlights look and gave a sheepish smile. “Wow. Big ‘but’.”

Doctor Frisken laughed, and nodded her head in agreement.

“That certainly sounds like a lot,” she agreed and Lois relaxed slightly knowing that Doctor Frisken was taking her concerns seriously. Ironically, it made her feel less crazy. “Now, let’s talk about this ‘ex who is not an ex’.”

“Claude?” Lois said, blinking slightly. He hadn’t been what she’d thought Doctor Frisken would bring up first. Talk about burying the lead. Still, she played along.

“If that’s his name, yes,” Doctor Frisken replied patiently. “What happened with him?”

Lois took a deep breath and recounted the story that she’d told Clark all those years ago. She found that, although it was still painful to relive those feelings of hurt and abandonment, she no longer felt the same anger that used to simmer in the pit of her stomach. Something about seeing him standing next to Clark the previous day had snuffed that anger out.

“So it sounds like Claude really affected your ability to trust,” Doctor Frisken was saying as she scratched something else down on her pad. What was she writing?

“Yes,” Lois replied, but then after some careful thought, added, “but not just him. If I’m honest, Claude wasn’t the first to disappoint me like that. There was my boyfriend in high school, and Paul from college and...well, let’s just say that the men who abandoned me after sleeping with me were the good ones. The other ones, like Lex Luthor, turned out to be murderers and sociopaths.”

“So, is it just the fact that Claude is here that has you conflicted?” Doctor Frisken wondered.

“No,” Lois said after some careful thought. “I was thinking about him before this. Clark and I hadn’t talked about making love until recently. He and I both shared some things about our past. I told him I wanted to wait until our wedding night, and I guess that’s when I started thinking about it...about him.”

“Why do you think that is?” Doctor Frisken asked. Lois resisted the urge to grab the notepad out of her hands. Instead, she forced herself to think about the question…really think about it.

“I think maybe it’s because Claude was the last man I slept with before Clark,” she said quietly. “After I woke up to find Claude gone and my story stolen, I kind of shut down for a few years...I deliberately dated men that I knew wouldn’t last past a few dates. Lex was my first actual relationship after Claude and I didn’t...well, I told him I wanted to wait then too.”

“Interesting,” Doctor Frisken said with a raised eye, and Lois wasn’t sure she liked the way she said it. “You told both Lex Luthor and your current fiance you wanted to wait until after the wedding?”

“Yes,” Lois said, feeling somewhat defensive. After all, she didn’t like to think that Clark and Lex had anything in common and yet she’d unintentionally done just that. “But not for the same reasons.”

“Oh?” Doctor Frisken waved an encouraging hand for Lois to continue. Lois sighed. She hated going back to thinking about how she’d almost married Lex Luthor, but Doctor Frisken seemed to think it was important and she was the professional.

Lois cringed as she spoke her next words.

“With Lex, I knew I didn’t love him...I liked him, respected him...admired him even, but I didn’t love him. And I thought I was okay with that. I thought that was all I needed. Everything in my life was so chaotic. I had lost the Planet and Clark was drifting away. I thought if I married him, I could control the other elements that were falling apart.”

She snuck a glance at Doctor Frisken and was relieved to see the other woman didn’t look at her the way she felt she deserved. After all, she’d just admitted to almost marrying one of the wealthiest men in the world so that she could control the things in her life that were out of control. Spoken out loud, it made her sound like a gold digger. When Doctor Frisken said nothing, Lois continued.

“When it came to the topic of sex, well...I asked him to wait because I wanted to put it off. Like a chore you know you have to get to eventually. I know that sounds awful, but…”

“It doesn’t sound awful, Lois,” Doctor Frisken interrupted with a kind smile. “I know enough about Lex Luthor and about what you’re describing to know that he operated the way many abusers do — he isolated you from your friends and the people you cared about in order to try to control you. It’s perfectly normal that you put conditions on your intimate life in order to try to regain some of that control.”

Lois blinked, stunned.

“I...I never thought of it that way,” she admitted.

"You did what you could with the tools you had at the time in a situation that was very traumatic. It is okay to forgive yourself,” Doctor Frisken reminded her and Lois suddenly found herself feeling a lump rise in her throat. She hadn’t realised that she’d never forgiven herself for almost marrying a murderer.

“What about Clark?” Doctor Frisken continued, “It sounds like he's the first relationship since Claude where you've wanted to become intimate. Am I correct?"

"Yes," Lois admitted. Doctor Frisken smiled.

"Then why ask him to wait?”

“It’s like I said before,” Lois said, realising that her reasons might have gotten lost amidst her babbling earlier. “I’m worried I won’t be...what he’s expecting. Clark is...well he’s very sweet, and he’s loyal and the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.”

“And that scares you?” Doctor Frisken asked, “Why?”

“Because he doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into!” Lois blurted out. “I mean I can be….difficult and quick to anger and I’m stubborn and competitive and…”

“And these are all qualities he already knows you possess, correct?”

Lois frowned. She was right, damn it. Doctor Frisken wrote something else down on the pad.

“He does,” she admitted. “But we’ve never lived together. And he’s looking forward to...well, he doesn’t have the same negative experiences with intimacy that I do, and I am worried he’s expecting too much. He might regret it after. And that scares me to death.”

“Because you’re afraid he might leave like Claude and the others?” Doctor Frisken asked. Lois hated the compassion in her tone. She liked it better when her face was impassive. Seeing the kindness in Doctor Frisken’s eyes only made her want to break down. She would not do that.

“No,” she said quietly. “I know Clark would never leave. That’s the problem.”

“I see,” Doctor Frisken nodded, still writing. Lois finally felt her patience give out. It was easier to get angry than it was to deal with the heavy feeling in her chest.

“No, you don’t see!” she exclaimed. “I have no idea what I’m doing! I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship, no idea how to be a wife or a mother...I was never taught that!”

She stood up and began pacing while Doctor Frisken watched on, still writing in her notepad.

“And what if we have kids?” she continued, her voice rising as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. She had no idea she’d been this stressed out until now. “Or he wants a house? Or I become unbearable to live with and our marriage turns into a mess and it’s all my fault?”

Lois looked back and gave a strangled laugh.

“He would stay...even if it became a living hell, he would stay.” She looked down at her shoes, and the air seemed to go out of her. “At least when they left, I knew what to do.”

“I see,” Doctor Frisken said softly. “So you believe that once you become physically intimate, that part of yourself that you’ve been holding back will be vulnerable. And that if the relationship doesn’t work out, the pain will be prolonged by Clark's loyalty and devotion to you?”

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Doctor Frisken seemed to have this ability to explain complex issues in a way that Lois had never considered before.

“I could destroy him,” she admitted, her voice a scared rasp.

“Lois, these are all extremely normal fears for someone who has had the experiences you’ve had,” Doctor Frisken reassured her and Lois sat back down. “And we can work through those fears one by one. But I think the most important thing you need to keep reminding yourself of is that you are not your parents. You are not doomed to repeat the mistakes they made. The fact that you are with a man like Clark helps to show you are breaking free of unhealthy patterns.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, her voice much more tentative than she was used to hearing. She wasn’t comfortable with this feeling of insecurity and uncertainty.

“Well,” Doctor Frisken said as she checked her notes, “in the past, you’ve spoken about your parents and their relationship. You’ve also told me about some of your past romantic experiences, and I can see a clear pattern here.”

Now, Lois really wanted to see the notepad, but she also wanted to hear what Doctor Frisken had to say. She needed to know that she and Clark were going to be okay. That she wasn’t a ticking time bomb set to go off the moment they made love for the first time. Doctor Frisken continued speaking.

“Your father left you at a vulnerable point in your development, and as a result, you often sought out relationships with men who were either older than you, in positions of power, or both. Paul, Claude, Lex...even Superman to an extent fits this pattern. But Clark...Clark is your equal. You are partners, with neither one of you holding power over the other. You complement each other and you respect each other. That’s why he scares you. He’s mature, emotionally available and ready to take the next step. The only question is, are you?”

“So, what you’re saying is that I have ‘Daddy issues’?” Lois said, making a joke that was intended to deflect from the feelings coursing through her.

“Well, that’s not the clinical term for it,” Doctor Frisken said softly. “You didn’t answer my question. Are you ready to take the next step?”

“I want to be,” Lois said fervently. “When he looks at me the way he does, it’s all that I have not to just...give in. Should I? Should I just go for it? Bite the bullet? Rip the bandaid off? Jump in the….what are you writing on that pad?”

Doctor Frisken blinked at her momentary outburst and turned the pad around to face Lois.

“Just some ideas for our next session — ways that you can help to handle negative thoughts so that they don’t overwhelm you or sabotage your relationship.” She chuckled. “And no, my professional opinion is not that you need to ummm...jump in the pool. In fact, I would say at this point that’s the last thing you want to do. You need to work through these fears. And doing so is going to require honesty — honesty with yourself and with Clark. Have you tried talking to him about your feelings?”

“A little,” she said and even that was stretching the truth. The conversation they’d had inside the virtual reality simulation had been the only real acknowledgment to him and to herself that she was scared to move things forward. Even then, she’d allowed him to reassure her, telling herself she was being ridiculous. But now she realised looking at Doctor Frisken that she wasn’t.

“You need to talk to him,” Doctor Frisken insisted. “If you are going to enter into an intimate relationship, it is crucial that you be able to talk about it with him before and after. The first time might not always be wonderful. Sometimes it takes time. Time to get to know the other person — what they like, what they don’t like. You’ve never really had the chance to learn that, it sounds like. Developing an honest narrative with Clark from the beginning will allow you both to work on it together. If you do that, I promise you that you will both be satisfied."

“So is that my homework then?” Lois asked, feeling slightly shaky at the idea of talking that openly to Clark about sex. As best friends, she had always felt they could talk about anything, and yet somehow this seemed overwhelmingly difficult. Doctor Frisken stood up.

“That, and I want you to talk to Claude.”

Lois looked at her in surprise.

“You want me to what?” she echoed.

“You said he was back in town did you not?” Doctor Frisken asked. Lois nodded. “Then I think you owe it to yourself to sit down with him and have a conversation.”

“And tell him what?” Lois said angrily. “That he hurt me? That he destroyed my faith in men? That he is the reason why I can’t make love to my amazing fiance?”

“Tell him whatever you feel comfortable saying,” Doctor Frisken replied mildly. “Whether you confront him is up to you. For the last few years he has occupied an elevated space in your mind and in your emotions. He’s just a man. The point of having a conversation with him is to see him that way. Can you do that?”

“I suppose,” Lois said, though she was reluctant to do so. She knew Clark wouldn't be crazy about the idea either, though she also knew he would never say or do anything to prevent it. She thanked Doctor Frisken and headed out to her car.

As she drove back to the Planet, she ruminated on the conversation with Doctor Frisken. Both things she’d been asked to do required very real and very scary conversations. Lois wasn’t sure she was up to them yet. But she also knew that she had to be and soon. Her relationship depended on it.