TOCChapter 23:“I suppose that’s not the answer you expected,” Clark stated flatly.
A pang of guilt rippled through Lois as he awkwardly shifted his position. His cuffed hands prevented him from facing away from her. Clark let out a sigh, as if he'd forgotten about his current predicament. His jaw worked and he stared down into his lap. The shame he felt radiated off him in waves. It almost seemed as if he held himself personally responsible for the things Lex had done in Clark's body.
Lois felt her gut tighten as she realized that was probably true. Clark hadn’t done anything wrong, though. Sure, he had kissed her, but much more gently than Lex had. Looking back, she could tell the exact moment they had switched.
Or was he telling her the truth?
Lois inhaled sharply.
Wouldn’t he have been able to stop if she’d asked him to? Was that just one of the quirks of being a superpowered alien, a part of his genetic make-up that he somehow had to deal with? Could that be the reason he’d never indulged in intimacy?
Lois' gaze drifted to Clark who still wouldn't look at her. Would he even reply if she asked him?
But did she really need to? She remembered kissing him before, and passionately, when he’d thrown her on the bed in the Honeymoon Suite to cover up that they weren’t newlyweds but investigating a story. She had danced for him in a flimsy harem's costume and he hadn't given into desire. The way his head hung, so crestfallen and unhappy, Lois was certain that Clark was incapable of forcing himself on others, even in a moment of passion. Could he really believe that any of this was his fault?
Lois' thoughts were such a jumble that she didn't know how to put any of this into words.
“No, it’s not,” she managed.
Once again, she looked over to him, took in his drawn face and the tight line his lips had become. It couldn’t be more obvious how much he was hurting.
Her heart went out to him. “I never intended to make you uncomfortable.”
“It’s okay,” he said mechanically. “You have every right to know. I guess I just never considered this could be a problem, because I’ve never had trouble controlling myself and…” He averted his eyes and chewed on his bottom lip.
So he did indeed think that somehow Lex's attack had happened because of who he was.
Lois’ gaze drifted down to the cloth in her hands that she'd meant to use as a blindfold. What was she even doing here? How could she go on with their plan when clearly Clark was suffering, when they still needed to talk?
Lois cursed herself for starting this kind of conversation at the worst moment imaginable.
“I know,” she whispered. “I know I can trust you. I know you’re in control of these powers; they’re not controlling you.”
He sighed. “But that’s just it, Lois. Controlling myself is a constant struggle, one I am so used to that I had almost forgotten about it. But what if I slip, too? What if I get lost in my feelings and forget about you? I never wasted much thought on that aspect of my life. I never really had to. What if controlling myself becomes a problem? What if this reminder came just in the nick of time?”
His eyes were wide as he really looked at her for the first time since she'd opened that particular can of worms. She could see he was terrified of himself and full of doubts. So unlike the self-assured man who stood up to her if need be, but who also didn't feel threatened by a woman who could hold her own.
Anger surged through Lois in a tidal wave. She was furious with Lex for showing Clark such a warped version of himself. And she was furious with Clark for letting it get to him like this. Where had her partner disappeared to? But she wouldn't allow him to wallow in self-pity until he ceased to be the man she admired so much.
"Stop it right there!" she yelled at him. "I know this has been a difficult two days for you, but what you're saying is just insane."
He pursed his lips. "Oh, is it? What do you know about it? You never had to control these powers! You never had anyone steal your body and give you the chance to see yourself from the outside perspective!"
She sensed his anger and his grief. The despair in his eyes was difficult to bear, and right in this moment, Lois was tempted to blindfold him, just so she wouldn't have to see his pain.
"Good grief are you listening to yourself!" She jumped up, no longer able to sit. Part of her wanted to hug him, another part longed to knock some sense into his stubborn head. She started to pace. "You're not getting an outside perspective of yourself. You get to see how another person, a psychopath at that, handles your powers. You are Superman because of who you are inside. The powers are just a means to help, but your true strength lies in your heart."
Lois turned to look at Clark, whose lips were still a tight line, his eyes clouded over as if he adamantly refused to believe a word she said.
"Do you remember when you accused me of being shallow, because I was throwing myself at Superman?" Lois took a deep breath. In hindsight she was ashamed of herself, because in a way, Clark had been right about her. "I saw your kindness then. You're never looking for your personal gain. Yes, if you wanted, you could rule the world. And that might be terrifying if I didn't know you. In Clark, I saw the same character traits, but I mistook them for weakness. Your kind heart is your biggest strength. Now you're making the same mistake that I did when I told Superman I loved him. You're only seeing the outside, when you should pay attention to who is underneath that suit."
"But…"
She shushed him by placing her index finger on his lips.
"No buts," she said quietly. "Lex is Lex and you are you. That doesn't change because of your outward appearance. It's the things you do that define you and not what you might potentially be capable of."
Clark closed his eyes and breathed deeply. The tension in his body eased a bit. As he looked at her again, she could see that the anguish had disappeared. He released a heavy sigh.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I guess I'm not thinking straight.”
His expression turned rueful and his hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out. But soon the handcuffs stopped him. Her own hands moved with the sudden urge to pull the key from her bag and uncuff him. But when he noticed her intentions, he gave a slight shake of his head.
“What's happening with Luthor brings back some deep-rooted fears I had almost forgotten about,” Clark admitted. “I spent so much time learning to control my powers, to control myself and not give in to my emotions. Sometimes I wonder what a person I might have become if it hadn’t been necessary to tame my anger.” His lips cracked into a wry smile, the first smile she saw on him in what seemed like hours. “When I was a boy, I flew off the handle much more easily. But I realized losing my patience has some drastic side effects. So I practiced patience until I was no longer able to tell if being mild-mannered is in my nature or not.”
The silence that followed was oppressive. Lois didn’t know what to say. She ached for Clark and found it hard to imagine what he might have gone through growing up. The anger she’d felt about his reaction, about the way he seemed ready to admit defeat, gradually dissipated. No wonder this was so hard on him, no wonder he felt like he was looking into a distorting mirror. But she couldn’t allow him to get lost in this nightmare.
“You are a good man, Clark.” Lois tried to convey all the love she felt for him with one longing gaze. "Don't let anyone convince you otherwise."
She missed him so much, his easy-going attitude, his unrelenting optimism, and his ability to see the good in everyone. Now he couldn't see the good, least of all in himself.
“Thanks for setting me straight,” he said quietly. "I needed that."
A smile crept back onto his lips, so very faint at first that Lois wasn’t sure she actually saw it. But when it broadened to the point of almost reaching his eyes, she knew that she’d really gotten through to him. It was reassuring, though they were far from out of the woods yet. The clock was ticking down, and they still weren’t any closer to defeating Lex.
Once again her gaze flitted down to the cloth in her hands, then up to the cuffs that bound Clark’s hands. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. They should be fighting hand in hand, not going separate ways like they were about to do. Like she was about to do, Lois silently corrected herself. So many times she’d made that mistake, had brushed Clark off because she’d been angry at him, because she had questioned his intentions when all he’d been doing was saving lives.
But this was different, her mind insisted. This time, Clark’s presence wouldn’t be helpful, just dangerous. It was crucial that they kept Lex unaware of the impending trap. Right now, though, Lois would have given anything to have Clark by her side. There was nothing the two of them together couldn’t accomplish. How was she going to handle this on her own?
"We're going to get through this." Lois whispered. Tears pricked in her eyes. She wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince, Clark or herself. “And when all this is over, we’re going out on a date.”
“That would be nice,” he said softly.
She felt his gaze on her, almost like a gentle caress of her cheek. He told so much with just one look. Lois could sense his love for her, his gentle heart and his incredible patience that - regardless of what he said - was a part of his kind soul. If she concentrated on his eyes, and only his eyes, she could see Clark there in front of her. And she wondered why she’d ever been afraid of this, afraid of letting him get close. She needed this, she needed him.
Drowning in the dark pools of his eyes, she leaned in and touched her lips to his. It was different from kissing him while he was in his own body. And yet, something about it was also the same, like a variation of a familiar melody. His response was cautious, allowing her to take the lead. She nibbled at his lower lip, dipped her tongue briefly into his mouth. Warmth spread through her as he deepened the kiss, every gentle motion of his lips against her proving beyond any shadow of a doubt how much this man cared about her.
It was as if their souls rather than their lips were touching. And in a way, though the kiss wasn’t the most passionate she’d ever shared, it was by far the most intense experience of her life. Why had she ever been scared to let him into her life? When she kissed him like this, it felt as if he was the missing piece of a puzzle that, once slipped into place, made her complete.
When he pulled back, Lois' lips mourned the loss of contact. Something amazing had been taken from her and she wasn’t yet ready to let go of it.
Clark looked at her with a rueful expression. "Henderson is not the type to wait around. You should go." He swallowed hard. "Please be careful. Superman might not be around to save the day."
"I know." A third time, her gaze drifted toward the cloth that she still held in one hand.
Binding him was bad enough. How could she also blindfold him? It just wasn't fair. Clark was innocent, he wasn't the bad guy.
Lois stood up and dropped the piece of cloth. "I can't do this to you."
"You know you have to," Clark reminded her. "Luthor will come back. And right now, all I can give you is more time. I wish things were different."
Lois took a deep breath before she knelt again. "All right."
She picked up the fabric and, giving him a pained half-smile that she hoped was reassuring, she covered his eyes and tied the cloth around his head.
"Now the gag." His voice was shaking slightly.
"I'm sorry, Clark, but I just can't." A choked sob escaped her.
She got up hastily and turned her back on him, hurrying out of the room as quickly as her feet would let her. Her heart raced as she left him behind. Dark thoughts crept up on her. What if this was the last time she would see him? What if she failed him? How was she going to live with the knowledge that the last thing she'd done was incapacitate him? If Lex found him now, he wouldn't even be able to fight back.
“Lois, wait, it would be better-”
She clapped her hands over her ears, drowning out his voice. Her whole body was shaking and she stopped and sagged against the wall, taking deep breaths against the rising nausea. This was all so terribly wrong. She couldn’t leave him here, but she couldn’t take him with her either. Hot tears streamed down her face, and suddenly she had to think of last night when she’d run away from him, scared that he was going to hurt her. Now she was scared for him, not of him, but her hands were trembling just as badly, and her chest constricted in almost the same manner.
*Keep it together,* she chastised herself. *You can’t lose it now, he needs you.*
Lois took more calming breaths, trying to get her rapidly beating hard back under control. With a conscious effort, she opened her eyes that she had squeezed shut against the onslaught of horrible images invading her mind. She lowered her hands as well and froze as she heard a completely different sound from Clark.
He was laughing. Like a maniac.
“Now you’re mine, Kent,” he yelled. “Nigel! Nigel! Where is the man when you need him? Nigel, it’s Lex, we need to talk. I can’t stay too long, or he might manage to take over. Nigel!”
Lois held her breath and clapped her hand to her mouth to keep herself from making a sound. Obviously she had left Clark just in time. While she’d been talking to him, she had almost forgotten that Lex could return to his body any moment. Her blood ran cold. What might have happened if Lex had seen her?
Lex’s voice was cold and cruel. “Just you wait, until I can return and then you’ll regret that you ever tried to trick me.” He laughed again. It was a chilling sound.
Lois squeezed her eyes shut. How could she ever have considered him charming? The man was terrifying even though she knew that he was tied to the radiator. But - a chill ran down her spine - was he really? The last time Clark in Lex’ body had been injected with the serum, he’d developed Superman’s powers, if only for a short while. Could he break free and come after her?
Suddenly all Lois wanted was to run away. But instead she dug her heels into the floor to keep herself from moving lest he hear that there was another person here. If she gave him no reason to doubt his success, maybe he’d just stay put so he’d have less trouble finding Clark once he could return to Metropolis.
When Lex stopped laughing, it became eerily silent. Was he still here or was Clark back? Would he fight to stay in his own body? Lois’ heart twisted. Hadn’t Luthor said something along those lines? That he needed to return so he could keep Clark’s body? Would Clark manage to keep him out? Was there a chance they wouldn't have to try the dangerous approach that involved stealing kryptonite and attacking Superman straight on?
Lois' pulse raced as she stood with her back pressed against the wall. She glanced at her watch. It was almost 3 p.m. If she took much longer she'd miss Henderson. Suppressing a sigh, Lois slipped out of her shoes and picked them up. She tiptoed further toward the exit, keeping her ears trained on any sound that came from behind. At the same time she was very careful not to make a noise herself.
A creepy silence had settled over the old hospital. There wasn't a sound that indicated how Clark was faring or who was currently occupying Lex's body. Lois wasn't sure if the quiet was reassuring or disturbing. Her breathing sounded unnaturally loud to her ears and here and there she heard the soft skitter of tiny feet that probably belonged to rats.
Before long, the sounds of the streets increased in volume, and she spotted a broken window through which she could climb. At least she wouldn't have to deal with a squeaky door.
Lois slipped back into her shoes and looked in every direction before she climbed out. No one was waiting for her. One last time, she glanced over her shoulder, her heart clenching wistfully. She hated to leave Clark behind, tied and blindfolded as if he were the criminal.
With any luck, Clark would win the fight over his body for good while she was gone. Would Lex still be laughing then?
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