Chapter 4
The trip to his room was made in silence, Kal trying to determine what the best course of action would be. That would depend on what Lois had figured out. To his dismay, Kal realized that there were far too many unknowns for him to formulate an actual plan. Lois for her part seemed substantially calmer than he expected, if her heartbeat could be considered a reliable indicator.
Entering the room, Kal located the table in the seating area and placed his newly earned Kerth on it, taking a moment to run his fingers over the engraved letters. That done, he turned back to Lois.
"Would you like something to drink?" he asked, moving toward the small refrigerator in his room. "The options are pretty limited but…"
"No," she interrupted, "no, thank you."
He could feel her eyes watching him as he retrieved a bottle of water for himself then took a seat in one of the lounge chairs. "Care to sit?" He offered, hoping his voice didn't sound as shaky as his insides felt.
"What? Oh, no." Lois responded. He could hear the tell-tale signs of her pacing in the room. Kal knew a rant was forthcoming and he decided to wait for it instead of trying to talk, only to be interrupted. How many of their many of their disagreements began this way? He'd lost count.
The silence stretched his weary nerves to the point he was sure he would split in two. Was he holding his breath? He wasn't self-aware enough to tell. Maybe.
"I don't know where to begin," Lois finally said. "All the way here, I had a thousand different things I wanted to say, but now…" she sighed. He could tell she had stopped pacing. "I said I'd be there for you no matter what, but instead of letting me help you, you disappeared. There was no way for me to know where you were, if you were okay, how you were doing. You simply vanished."
Kal opened his mouth to speak but Lois cut him off. "I thought you trusted me. I thought you cared about me the way I care about you."
"I did trust you; I do trust you," Kal said resolutely, "and I do care about you, but I will never allow myself to be a burden to anyone, especially those I care about."
"You would never be a burden to me," came her immediate response.
"How many things did I break in the 24 hours I was in your apartment?" he asked, incredulously. "Let's see, two windows, a lamp, a mug, what else? I'd say that it put a burden on you."
"I didn't know you had a sarcastic side, Superman—though I guess you’re not the only one who wears a mask."
He blanched at that statement, holding back a flinch. Superman was the name she’d given him, the version of himself she thought she knew. She had no idea how much more he had to hide. Clark was the person who sparred with her, not Superman. If he didn't want her to discover his greatest secret, he had to remain in character as Superman: calm, rational, detached.
"They are both my names. My parents didn't name me Superman—you did. My actual name is Kal-El, but that sounds far too alien to avoid suspicion, so I adopted the name Kallen Ellis. Obviously, I can't just be Superman anymore, but I can't just idly exist either. Once I had adjusted to… everything, I looked for something I could do to fill my days and found that I enjoy writing.”
He paused, then added, “To be honest, I never imagined anything I wrote would be award-winning."
"So, if it wasn't for your Kerth nomination, I would still be in the dark about you?"
"Probably," he admitted abashedly. "Lois, I'm sorry. At first, I was reeling from what had happened, trying to figure out how to move forward. As time went on, it got harder for me to muster up the courage to contact you, to admit there was no possible way this was temporary." He finished quietly.
"I could have helped you. I would have helped you. I get that you wanted to still have a purpose, and we could have done that together. If you were going to create a secret identity, why leave? Why couldn't you stay here where your friends could help you?"
He raised his head toward her. " Lois, do you realize how many people in Metropolis are calling for help each minute? How not being able to help them feels? There was no way I could stay here, hear the desperation in their pleas and not be able to do a single thing about it. Even when I could see, it killed me, not being able to save everyone. I know you think that what I could do was enough, but every time I was too late to save someone, I felt like I was being ripped apart. I didn't want to leave but I couldn't stand being so useless, not when my ability to help people in need is my sole purpose for existence."
"Superman," Lois, started, but Kal abruptly interrupted.
"Please don't call me that." He said, in a tone so strained it sounded like he could snap in half at any moment.
"But that's your name."
He shook his head. "No, it's not." He hesitated before continuing. "At least, not anymore."
Lois' sharp intake of air echoed in his chest. It was the first time he had said those words with such finality. It had obviously not been what she had expected him to say. The fact that she didn't have an immediate response meant she had been caught off guard by his response. "Wha… but…" she stammered, "that can't be…"
Kal shot to his feet. "It is," he said sternly. "I know you don't want to hear it. I don't want to admit it, but it is true. I don't want to admit it, but it is true." He sighed and then moved over to the mini fridge, taking another bottle of water out of it. "Lois, Superman is gone, and it appears that he's never coming back." Kal opened the bottle and took a long swallow. "I'm sorry," he said remorsefully. "I wish that wasn't true, but it's been almost two years since my run-in with Dr. Leit and there's been no improvement in my vision. It's time to face facts, I'm blind. Using my powers without breaking things was hard enough when I could see. Now I don’t even know what’s in front of me. I could fly through a wall, vaporize something I didn’t mean to… I’m not safe, Lois. Not to anyone." He moved to where he was standing in front of her, listening to her pounding heartbeat. Gently cupping his hands on her shoulders, he tried to console her. "With Superman out of commission, there's no way I can stay in Metropolis, no matter how much I wish that wasn't true."
Lois abruptly took a step back, out of his comforting touch. "There has to be another solution." She said, her voice full of determination. "Surely we can find a way for you to still be Superman."
"Is my being Superman really that important to you?" he asked, dropping his arms.
"Yes," came the almost immediate response and Kal slumped, deflated. "I don't want you to leave, and you just said you can't stay if you can't be Superman. I'd say that makes you being Superman pretty important, wouldn't you?" She sighed, "or maybe you don't care about staying in Metropolis. Maybe you prefer living in, what is it, Snore? Maybe I care more about maintaining our friendship that you do." He could tell from her rapid-fire delivery just how frustrated she was with him. It was obvious from how her voice was echoing in the room that she had started pacing again. "Have you just given up on"
"Twelve o'clock a.m." came a robotic voice from the bedroom, stopping both Lois's pacing and rambling.
"What was that?" she demanded.
"Huh? Oh, that's my clock."
"I'm sorry?" The confusion evident in her voice.
"It's my clock." Kal repeated, unsure of what part didn't make sense.
"But… it talked…"
He thought. "Sorry, I'm so used to it, I didn't put two and two together. It's one of my adaptive devices. Since I can't see the clock to read the time, it announces it at the top of every hour."
"How does that not get annoying?"
"Think that's annoying? When I first got it, I had it sounding every 15 minutes. It was disorienting to not know what time it was. Thankfully, I adjusted after a few weeks. Now I just have it announce the top of the hour." He explained as he resettled himself in his chair.
"I guess…" she started, "I guess since you seem…" she trailed off again, her voice wavering. Kal waited, knowing Lois would not appreciate him interfering as she worded her thoughts carefully. "It just, at the ceremony and in the lobby, you don't seem different. I didn't think about… well, I mean… it never occurred to me that you are…"she said quietly, embarrassed at herself.
"Blind?" He provided curtly. "Yes, Lois, I'm blind." Her heartbeat was booming in his ears, and he could only imagine the look on her face right now. Leaning back in the chair, his mind desperately raced for the words to take the sting out of his response. Kal knew he had been too sharp in his retort and his lack of preparedness for this conversation was solely to blame. Taking a moment to gather his thoughts into something that would sound more civil, he struggled to continue. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I've spent most of the last two years relearning how to be independent and how to find my way around. This trip has been my biggest challenge yet, but I wanted to prove I could do it. There is so much I can't do on my own now and I've taken that really hard. Leaving Metropolis was the most difficult decision I've even had to make but hearing cries for help and not being able to respond to them was driving me crazy. I needed to get away from them and that meant leaving Metropolis. Since I can't see to fly anymore, that meant I had to leave everyone in Metropolis, too."
He could tell Lois was weighing his words. "I understand why you needed to leave Metropolis," she finally said resignedly, "but I don't understand why you thought you had to cut yourself off from everyone in Metropolis. Just because you couldn't fly here didn't mean you couldn't contact us." She came over to sit in the chair next to him. "I was so worried about you after you left that night. You were alone and disoriented, and it was my fault. I had no idea how to find you. Clark was always better at that than me, but he was out of town. I wanted so badly to find you and help you but had no idea how to start. For weeks, I was afraid that I'd hear you were hurt or dead because someone had figured out who you were, and you hadn't been able to get away." Her voice quivered and Kal heard her draw a ragged breath. "I couldn't ask anyone for help. I didn't want anybody to know what had happened. Until I saw you tonight, I had no idea what had happened after you left."
Kal leaned on his hands with his sightless eyes cast downward. "I'm sorry I put you through that. I wasn't thinking clearly back then. All I could focus on was hiding Superman's condition."
Lois stared at him, searching his face for something—maybe regret, maybe something else entirely.
"So that's what this is about?" she asked, her voice measured now. "Protecting the secret?"
Kal hesitated, feeling the weight of the question. "It wasn't just about that."
Lois let out a short, disbelieving breath, shaking her head. "Right."
She stood, pacing now. A restless energy had taken over her. "So you ran. You let me think—" She cut herself off, pressing her lips together.
Kal lifted his head slightly, his expression pained. "Lois—"
"No." She turned back to face him, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. "You don't get to 'Lois' me right now."
Her voice wasn't raised, but it was firm, controlled in a way that was almost worse.
Kal exhaled through his nose. "I wasn't ready to—"
"To what?" she interrupted, her eyes sharp now. "To trust me? To let me help? To admit that maybe you weren't alone in this?"
Kal felt his stomach tighten. "It wasn't about—"
Lois let out a hollow laugh, shaking her head. "You know what? Doesn't matter."
There was finality in her voice now.
Kal felt it like a physical thing.
She took a breath, pressing her hands to her hips, then looked back at him, more resigned than angry now.
"You left, Kal." Her voice was quieter now. Not an accusation. Just a fact.
Kal opened his mouth, but nothing came.
"You left," Lois repeated, softer this time. "And I can't change that."
She hesitated—just for a second—like she wanted to say something more.
Then she didn't.
Instead, she turned toward the door.
Kal wanted to stop her—the urge was there, a weight in his chest—but what could he say?
The door clicked shut behind her.
And Kal sat in silence, listening to Lois Lane walk away.
