To:
The President of Time-Warner
Hey, Kiddo, what's happening?
We realize that you've got a Superman movie set to go already--we've seen the previews--but even so, we feel it's not too late for you to scrap that sucker and go with our premise. (We left a copy of the film proposal with your assistant months ago, but imagine that he must have forgotten to deliver it to you.) A tentative script is already being written up, but we'll wait for your final word on the proposal before we do anything further.
Here it is:
The scene opens on the distant planet Krypton, with the camera focusing on a house made entirely out of shower curtains. This is the house of Jor-El and Lara (played by Whoopie Goldberg and Robin Williams, respectively). We will give the movie depth and intellectuality by having Whoopie wear a fishing hat covered with different hooks and lures representing all the nations of Earth. It will symbolize world peace, global cooperation, the relationship of each country to Earth and the universe, etc., etc. However, to keep things from getting to serious, she will also wear a clown nose.
Whoopie tells Robin of her psychic visions from the universal force, telling her of Krypton's impending doom. So they put their baby in a spaceship, which looks remarkably like an Earth fax-machine! Whoopie spouts some deep philosophical stuff about peace and love and the importance of protecting our rainforests, while the fax-machine/spaceship dissolves and Krypton is destroyed in a blaze of neon colors--a spectacular light show!
Cut to a lonely dirt road in Kentucky, where Ma Kent (Barbara Streisand) and Pa Kent (Mel Brooks) are driving in their silver Lamborghini with their beloved chimp, Coco. Suddenly, they see a fax machine by the side of the road! They stop to investigate, and find the alien child inside. Mel surmises that the child must have come from a distant planet called Krypton.
They decide to adopt the child, and Barbara sings of how wonderful it is to at last have a child of their own, who isn't a chimp. Coco gives a thumbs-up of approval. The Kents and their new son, and Coco, drive on to their impoverished farmhouse.
Cut to the future. Years have passed, and Clark Kent is now a grown man (played by Gary Coleman). While Gary helps Mel in the cabbage fields, Mel gives Gary a fatherly lecture about coming of age, and how he hopes that Gary will remember all that they have taught him about his Kryptonian heritage. Barbara comes out to join them, and sings of how their little boy is grown now. It is a warm, family moment.
Suddenly, a giant radio-active earthworm errupts from the ground, consumes the farmhouse, and devours Mel and Barbara! Gary fights the earthworm, suddenly discovering that he now has super powers! A fabulous, absolutely stunning fight scene ensues! Blood and worm guts everywhere! Gary emerges victorious, clad in the famous Superman costume! After grieving the loss of his parents, he flies to Metropolis.
In Metropolis, Gary, as mild-mannered Clark Kent, gets a job at the Daily Planet, working for Perry White. (Instead of being an old, gruff newshound, we feel that we should put some life into the DP by making Perry young, hip, and with-it. We see Eminem as perfect for this role. At some point, the entire newspaper office could break into a fabulous rap-video!) It is here at the Daily Planet that Gary first meets Lois Lane (Brittany Spears?) and Jimmy Olson (Jackie Chan).
Insert major broadway-style musical number, introducing Lex Luther!
(We figure nobody in the audience buys into that clear cut black-and-white, good-and-evil stuff anymore, so we've decided to have Lex Luther as a really nice guy with a heart of gold, who's only frustrated because he can't be a nun. So, he's forced to live in a gold-plated sky-scraper full of supermodels while robbing banks and rescuing cute little abbandoned animals. Picture Tommy Chong in this role.)
Tommy launches a massive scheme to control all the nation's televesions, computers, and radios so that he can buy the Daily Planet and take over ther world!
Following a massive, Massive battle with one of Tommy's remote-controlled transforming robots, Gary is propelled back in time and winds up in Australia, in the distant past. There, he meets the ghost of Whoopie, who gives him words of encouragement and tells him to get in touch with the univeral force, so he goes to a mountain top and practices yoga.
While this is going on, cut to modern-day metropolis, where Brittany and Jackie, under the oppression of Chong's ransacking robots, philosophize about the meaning of life. Brittany monologues about her dream of quitting her job as a reporter/FBI agent and becoming a school teacher, while Jackie discusses the hardships of being a photographer, gopher, and single father. The two act-out their angst through break-dancing.
Suddenly, Gary comes back, via a koleidescopic worm-hole! More massive fight scenes, as Gary drives back the robots!
But Tommy Chong is not down for the count yet, and he grabs the mayor and jetpacks away! It's a mad chase, culminating in an awesome mud-wrestling/fist-fight on the top of the statue of liberty! Tommy laments how he'll never know the joys of living a simple country life, and he topples over and into the shark-infested sea! Tommy dies. Or DOES HE?!!
Then the president jet-packs in and gives Gary the Nobel Prize AND the Congessional Medal of Honor! The ghosts of Whoopie and Robin smile down benevolently on the wildly applauding crowd, and use the forces of the universe to bring Mel and Barbara back to life. Everyone celebrates with a major musical number, led by Brittany, Jackie, and Eminem!
Well, Kiddo, what do ya think? Remember, nothing is set in stone. We realize we might have to tweak it a little, especially if we want to line things up just right for the sequel. So chew this over a while, and have your people call our people.
Get back to us this time, okay?
Love ya, Babe!
---Ciao!
