Okay, I finished the story, and I like the
idea of the story, but it was difficult to read because of the disjointed speeh, multiple sentence fragments, misspelled words, and inconsistencies.
Now wouldn't that be a story? It gave me a laugh. Hey, maybe that
would be a great little comical story. Maybe I'll even write it!
Another notable misspelling:
“O.K. how about this?” Andi said coming out of the bedroom wearing a black sparkly skirt and top Alex and Aaron look at her Alex shakes her head.
“I like it.” Aaron said taking a swig of coke.
“I’m charging.” Andi retreated back into the bedroom.
Okay, she's going to change clothes, right? I had another good laugh. Is she a robot and had to go plug in to the electrical socket to charge her batteries? :p There's another great idea for a story - your date is a robot.
As I said previously, the premise of Clark having a brother
is wonderful, but I had to wonder if Clark was his brother or half-brother/first cousin:
“Jar-el our father’s sister came to me she said she was the one who gave birth to me and I was taken from her 19 years ago the day before my third birthday.”
“Are you related?”
“We are brothers son Jor-el and Lara heirs to the house of El…”
So, if Jor-El's (It's not Jar-El.) sister gave birth to Char-El, does that mean incestuous practice was allowed - perhaps as it was in ancient Egypt? I'm sure the advanced Kryptonian society would be well aware of the genetic problems that would occur because of such a practice, so I doubt incestuous relationships would have been allowed. Was Jor-El's wife, Lara also his sister? I have a good idea that you didn't mean that Jor-El's sister actually gave birth to Char-El, but as the quote above notes, the story says Jor-El's sister gave birth to Char-El.
Your portrayal of Charlie is sweet and sensitive. I like how he is so nice that he is seemingly unaffected by 19 years of imprisonment.
I hope you don't think I've been too hard on you because I think your story ideas are great! Please keep the stories coming, but do remember read, re-read, re-read....
