This is Part 2 of the Comedy Round Robin. The writers had great fun doing this and we all hope you find it entertaining and funny.
The Writers:
Ann (TOC)
Classicalla
Doc
LoisLane2
MetroRhodes
Edited by Classicalla
The usual disclaimers apply.
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From Part 1:
"Hi, Perry! What? It's Saturday. You know both Lois and I have the day off. What's that? An Elvis sighting? A nine-foot* Elvis spotted in Hobb's Bay?" Clark hung-up the receiver and looked at Lois. "You heard?"
"Yep, Flyboy. Put on that flyboy suit of yours and take me back to my apartment so that I can get into some decent clothes. And then let's go Elvis-hunting!"
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Strange Revelations Part 2: The Hunt for Green
Clark dropped Lois at her apartment to change. While she whizzed around her bedroom preparing herself for their nine-foot Elvis-hunt, Clark busied himself looking through her collection of Polynesian thimbles.
'That's odd,' Clark thought to himself, 'I didn't think primitive Polynesians would have even known what a thimble was...'
He was interrupted from his peculiar musings when Lois emerged triumphantly from her bedroom with a yellow blanket tied around her shoulders, a wicker basket perched on her head, and a plunger wielded menacingly in one hand, "Okay, Flyboy, let's do this!"
"Ehh... Lois? I love that blanket, and you never know when a plunger is going to come in handy, but what about that... that basket? It's going to fall off!"
"Nope. It'll stay on if I wear it upside down when we're flying. When we've landed I can just perch it on my head or carry it in my hand if I have to. Honestly, Clark, where are we going to put all the evidence we'll find if we haven't got a basket with us? It's not as if you have any pockets in that snazzy super suit of yours, do you?"
"Now that's where you're wrong! Look!" Clark proceeded to reveal a dozen secret pockets hidden about his person from which he pulled out bandages, his mobile phone, some glue, a fluffy crocodile, Jimmy's horrific cowboy boots, an adjustable spanner*, some highlighter pens..... Soon, he and Lois were buried in useless stuff.
Lois quirked an eyebrow. "You know, for a superhero, you sure are weird..."
"I'm weird? Lois, I'm not the one wearing a basket on my head and wieilding a plunger as a lethal weapon. Do you know how many times I've used the bandages? The fluffy crocodile comes in really handy when I've got an upset kid on my hands, you never know when you'll need a highlighter, you know the phone is definitely useful, I forgot about hiding the boots that I just couldn't stand to see Jimmy wearing anymore, and my mother told me to make sure I always had clean underwear in case I was in an accident! So what's your excuse?"
"Could you *make* that sentence any longer!? And, uh, Clark, I believe your mother meant you should *wear* clean underwear, not put them in your pocket." She grinned broadly.
"Never go out without a spare pair of boxers, Lois. Or briefs. Hey, I'm looking out for you, too!" From a pocket hidden at his right shoulder blade he retrieved a pair of Lois' lace panties. At near super speed Lois snatched them.
"Gimme those, buster!"
"Easy, easy. Don't try to hit me. You'll hurt yourself worse than me."
"Got any other panties hidden on you somewhere? 'Cause if you do you better hand them over....!!"
"Nope, just one pair. What do you think I am, Lois, the underwear department at Wal-Mart?"
"A little less conversation, cowboy. Now let's go Elvis-hunting!"
"Lois, you are not seriously going out like that, are you?"
"What? You don't like my outfit? I rather thought Elvis would notice it."
"'Elvis would think you'd lost your mind. You might as well wear those *Made in China* Polynesian thimbles around your waist and give the outfit a hula dancer feel." He crossed his arms and gave Lois a lopsided grin.
"Might I remind you that Elvis supposedly left this world in 1977. That would mean he's never seen *you*, Flyboy." Lois motioned to Clark's 'uniform' and said, "What do you think *he'd* think of that?"
"Ummm, Elvis wore one piece bell-bottomed white jumpsuits with rhinestones all over them, Lois."
"So we can't possibly look any worse than *he* did. Or does. Okay, now put that flyboy thing to good use and fly us to Hobb's Bay, pronto!"
Clark made a snappy retort, which, however, was lost in the "whoossshhh" as he scooped Lois up and flew them to Hobb's Bay. They spotted the nine-foot Elvis from a mile away.
Elvis looked good, considering. He sure looked like he still enjoyed his peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and in fact, he was incessantly munching such sandwiches and leaving a trail of them as he walked around Hobb's Bay, singing unintelligible ditties and spluttering banana bits around him like a sprinkler.
Lois looked at Clark with a look of amazement. "Do you think he's real?" Then she pointed. "Oh, look! There's Perry. I should have known Elvis' biggest fan would be here."
Clark landed with a thud and nearly dropped Lois. "Well, Lois, if you mean real as in flesh and blood, then yes. As to whether that's really Elvis, I couldn't tell you."
She swatted at Clark and squealed, "Hey, you nearly dropped me!"
"Hmmm...eh... yes... I'm feeling a little dizzy, as a matter of fact. Say, you don't think that could have anything to do with Elvis? He's looking a little peaked to me. A little *green*, actually! Maybe he's suffering from something that's catching?"
"What would that be? Dead-bugs? If this is Elvis, the guy's been dead for... what year is it, Clark? 1994? He's been dead for seventeen years. Could make anybody look a little green, I'd say."
"Oh...oh... ouch... Lois, I'm really in pain. It feels like...kryptonite. I think Elvis may have kryptonite on him."
"On him? Look how green he is. Don't you think it's more like...he's got kryptonite *in* him?"
Clark staggered, his eyes suddenly locking on Elvis' sandwich filling which was glowing a familiar shade of green.
"Lois...the sandwich...you have to get it away."
Lois, thinking fast, grabbed 'The King's' power-sapping snack and munched it down as quickly as she could. This, unfortunately, enraged the recently revived gyrator extraordinaire, and he howled in anguish before stomping off into the city to wreak havoc.
"Feeling better, Clark?"
"Yes.... You may have a mild case of lead poisoning. since your body seems to shield me from that kryptonite sandwich now that you have ingested it. That must be from your amalgam fillings, I imagine. 'The King' made sure all his fillings were porcelain."
"Whatever. Glad you're feeling better. How do we stop that Frankencrooner though?"
"Let's ask Perry."
"What's Perry gonna do? He's Elvis' biggest fan, remember? He's just standing over there with his mouth hanging open!"
Giant Elvis continued towards town singing. His songs alternated between 'Viva Las Vegas' and 'Jailhouse Rock'.
"What's your suggestion to bar his progress then, Superman?"
"Well, Lois, I'm wondering... Maybe kryptonite somehow brought Elvis back to life and made him a zombie. Do you have any thoughts on that?"
"Yes, I've been thinking.... You remember Metallo? The guy who had a kryptonite heart? Perhaps whoever kept Metallo alive by giving him a kryptonite heart brought Elvis back to life by giving *him* a kryptonite heart, too? I'm sure his old heart was all clogged up with cholesterol."
"Hmmmm. Good thinking. I guess those kryptonite sandwiches might be his fuel; he's getting a full tank by stuffing himself. Not that he didn't always do that, of course."
"Bingo, we cracked it! Except... why would he be nine feet tall, now?"
"Maybe that's just some sort of side effect?"
"Side effect. Hmmm... Could be. Rollie and Emmett Vale didn't get it right with Johnny Corben, err.. Metallo, and he died. Maybe they thought things would go better since Elvis is already dead. Or... was dead. Or... is dead. Oh, whatever. Let's get out of here, Flyboy"
Clark scooped Lois up and took off. The thought - 'RED!' - hit him again. "Lois, how do you suppose they got Elvis from Memphis to Metropolis. I mean, I'd think Priscilla and Lisa Marie would have his resting place very well guarded. And speaking of Lisa Marie Presley, what's up with her marrying Michael Jackson?** Now that's one of the strangest things I've ever heard of. That's stranger than a nine-foot tall, green Elvis!"
Lois giggled... "Lisa Marie and Jacko, well, that's their business, Clark. But really, I think that is part of the solution, I mean, Lisa Marie and Jacko. Or, rather, I mean, Elvis and Priscilla. I think we've got to get them together, Clark! We can use Priscilla as bait to capture Elvis!"
"Use Priscilla as bait? Never, Lois. You know Superman has to act ethically."
"Well, I wasn't thinking of Priscilla as Priscilla. I was thinking of something like a Priscilla clone. One that's more suited to nine-foot Elvis. How about a nine-foot Priscilla?"
"I'd say an eight-foot Priscilla would be better for nine-foot Elvis, but - yes, that's brilliant, Lois! Let's go find Dr Klein immediately!"
Twenty minutes later, Lois emerged from Doctor Klein's lab in a rhinestone jumpsuit, a wig and an unhappy expression.
"Clark, this isn't quite what I had in mind..."
Clark tried in vain to bite back a laugh. "Whatever do you mean, Lois?"
"How is dressing me up as a female Elvis going to help? I look nothing like Priscilla, and I'm not eight feet tall, and... oh my god..."
The smirk fell off Clark's face as Lois' gaze fixed on something over his shoulder.
"Lois? What..." He didn't get to finish the sentence as he was bowled off his super feet by a hyperventilating Perry White.
Lois quickly gathered her senses and bolted from the building with Perry - singing 'Love me Tender' - hot on her heels. "CLARK, YOU'RE A DEAD MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!"
"Help! Help! Help!" cried Lois, as she ran in the direction of downtown Metropolis as fast as she could. Surprisingly, Perry followed her easily, his mad love for 'The King' suffusing him with boundless energy. Clark hovered unhappily above his boss, pleading, "Uh, Perry? Hmmm, Perry?" The editor of Daily Planet remained oblivious to Superman's presence.
Lois soon caught sight of nine-foot Elvis and ran in his direction at maximum speed. Between gasps and pants, she wheezed, off-key, "'Love... me... (cough)... tender'...(wheeeze)...."
Suddenly Elvis heard her. He gave a deep basso exclamation of approval, turned around ponderously, and started walking jerkingly towards Priscilla-Lois, Frankenstein style. Lois found herself trapped between nine-foot Elvis and her own besotted boss.
Superman looked between Perry and 'The King'. He wondered if Perry had been affected by being close to the kryptonite animated Elvis. 'Why would Perry be chasing Priscilla-Lois?' He quickly grabbed Lois and moved her a block away from both of them. With that he was off.
"Where are you going? Don't leave me!" She shook her fist at the empty air.
Superman decided he knew how to get Elvis' attention. He flew the California, plucked Jacko and Lisa Marie out of the Jackson living room and flew them back to Metropolis. Both were so shocked they just stared at him. He set them down near Elvis. He knew Elvis wouldn't harm his daughter or son-in-law. He hollered, "Hey, Elvis, Lisa Marie's here." He jerked his thumb towards Jackson. "She married this guy - Michael Jackson."
The Priscilla-seeking pair had once again reached Lois, and Elvis had been about to pick Lois up but then turned toward the trio behind him. Lois ran at full tilt away from Perry and Elvis.
Clark opened his arms to catch Lois as she ran from Perry. He didn't pass up the chance to kiss her soundly and thoroughly.
"Clark... mmph... that's very nice, but we shouldn't we wait until we have dealt with this Elvis threat?"
"What Elvis threat, Lois? Have you looked at them?"
Lois looked behind her and saw nine-foot Elvis, Lisa Marie, Jacko and Perry all holding hands, dancing and singing together - 'Love Me Tender'.
"Hmmm, Perry *is* in seventh heaven, isn't he? But I still think Elvis has a kryptonite heart. What are we going to do about that?"
"Let's talk to Bernard again."
Clark picked Lois up, threw her over his shoulder, then took off. He landed at S.T.A.R. Labs and put her on her feet. Then he planted another big kiss on her. "I've wanted to do that during the entire flight here."
"Ummm... Clark, why did you throw me over your shoulder?"
"I really wanted to kiss you, and I didn't think I could fly very straight if I was otherwise involved. Having you hang over my shoulder kept me from kissing you." He grinned.
She giggled. "Come on. Let's ask Dr. Klein what to do about Elvis' green heart."
Upon entering the lab, Dr. Klein said, "Lois, *Clark*, you might want to be careful about kissing in public especially if it involves Superman. Yeah, yeah, I know. You thought I didn't know. No luck with Elvis, huh? Well, what do you want me to do, loverboy? I don't think folks are going to be very happy if Elvis dies again. Besides, are you going to be the one to remove his heart?"
"That's a problem," Clark admitted unhappily. "Superman doesn't kill. He certainly can't kill Elvis - especially not when Superman's heart surgery on Elvis would kill both 'The King and I'."
"Well then, come up with something, Doctor Klein!" Lois exclaimed impatiently, tapping her foot. "Hey, *you* are the genius!"
"Hmmmm, yes. The obvious answer would be to give Elvis another heart."
"What kind of heart, Doctor Klein?"
"Actually, I think *your* heart would probably suffice, Superman, if you are willing to donate it," Bernie laughed. "No, seriously, I was thinking of some kind of CD player...."
"CD player????"
"Yes, a CD player, playing Elvis songs over and over."
"Yes!!!" cried Lois triumphantly. "Just think of the pumping rhythm of those Elvis songs - thumping like a heart!!"
"Dr. Klein, you can't be serious!" Clark exclaimed incredulously. "The batteries would wear down after 48 to 72 hours of playtime. He'd run down in no time. Unless you have batteries that last forever or have a way to recharge them."
"Yes! Rechargeable batteries. But how are we going to recharge them? Have him stick his finger in a light socket?" Lois asked.
"Hmmm, no.... Perhaps it *is* time to build an eight-foot Priscilla. I could turn her *tongue* into a light socket. Whenever Elvis kisses her, he gets a charge!"
"Good idea, I think, Bernard. But what kind of heart are you going to give eight-foot Priscilla?"
"That's a problem, but some rather mechanical contraption might do. As long as Elvis kisses her soundly and frequently, those kisses could set *her* heart thumping, too."
Half an hour and a dozen electric shocks later, Dr Klein had built the Amazonian Priscilla.
Lois peered up at her, her nose wrinkled in doubt. "Doctor Klein, don't you think she's a little too...you know..." she cupped her hands in front of her, "too...stacked?"
Doctor Klein was busily attempting to flatten his statically charged hair, "No, no I don't think so. What do you think, Superman?"
"....."
"Superman?" Doctor Klein turned to the Man of Steel to find him gaping, open-mouthed at the mammarily gifted monstrosity.
"So...So big..."
"Well, Dr. Klein... uh.. Ber.. Bernie, aren't you afraid she might topple over? It does look like she's a... bit... uh.. top heavy." Clark turned his head sideways looking... "I mean not that I don't... uh... like.. but... uhh..."
Lois' arms were crossed. "Men!! You are all the same! Just walking around looking at a woman's chest! Hmmmph! I think we women should just start 'looking' ourselves." Lois made a point of looking directly at Clark's crotch. "Not bad at all, Flyboy, not bad at all..."
Dr. Klein and Clark both cried, "Lois!!"
"Turn about's fair play, boys." She grinned wickedly. "Now I suggest you do *something* about that monstrosity!"
Sighing, Doctor Klein went back to working on Priscilla, reducing her cup size from K to J.
Suddenly, there was a huge 'THWACK' as Lois's palm connected unmercifully with Superman's cheek.
"Oh - ah - OUCH!!! Lois, that *hurt*!!!"
"Good! It was supposed to hurt, buster! What were you doing ogling Miss Frankenstein there, when you're supposed to ogle *my* chest?"
"Oh... sorry..." Superman goggled at Lois's upper midsection, applying a bit of X-ray vision for good measure. "But really, you already got your revenge when you looked at my... at *me*, you know?"
"Hah! That was a compliment, not revenge. And besides I had to test my theory. Remember that kryponite sandwich I ate? I didn't floss afterward, and I thought there might be some crumbs stuck in my teeth. So I spat on my fingers before I hit you. Now we know I can *really* weaken you, Flyboy!"
"You knew you were going to hurt me?" Clark asked Lois. He was astonished and he looked a little hurt.
Lois couldn't stand it to think she'd actually hurt him - not physically, but emotionally. "I'm sorry. It didn't hurt too bad, did it?" For good measure, she rubbed his cheek gently.
"Yeah, it did. I think you're going to need to kiss it to make it aaalllll better."
Lois did just that. She pressed her lips full on his and sucked on them slightly.
Clark pulled back from her in surprise. "That's not where it hurt!"
Lois smiled coyly at him. "I know."
Dr. Klein cleared his throat loudly. "Hrrrmm, yes. Priscilla is ready and slightly less endowed than before, chest-wise. And she's got a beautiful light socket in her tongue for charging Elvis. But her heart won't keep beating for long without Elvis kisses. So, Superman and Lois, you now have to figure out a way to get Elvis to S.T.A.R. Labs, so that he can kiss Priscilla and I can remove his kryptonite heart and replace it with a battery-driven CD player at the same time."
"How about we use Lois as bait? It worked last time."
"Oh, no, not again!" Lois sighed. She looked at Clark then said, "I've got a better suggestion. How about you dress in one of those sparkly jumpsuits and tell the green guy *you* are the real 'Elvis'? Yes, I'm definitely sure he would chase you - especially if you sing."
"Are you implying I can't sing? Have you ever heard me sing? I'm very talented, Lois. I have a wonderful singing voice." He began singing.
"Well... That's actually pretty good. Can you sing off key?" She giggled.
"Off Key? Hmm, let me give it a try." Clark began wailing in the most awful rendition of 'Hunk of Burning Love' that anyone in the room had ever heard.
Dr. Klein's lab chimps began to go berserk and banged against the sides of their cages.
"Whoa, whoa, okay big fella, I think you've got the hang of it. Now let's save your debut for *outside* the lab," Dr. Klein begged.
Clark smiled and took off in search of the way over-sized Elvis.
Dressed in a white rhinestone jumpsuit with fake sideburns glued to his cheeks and a ton of gel in his hair to imitate the King's cowlick, Superman flew toward outsize Elvis. As Clark came closer, he started buzzing like a mosquito - a large white mosquito - around Elvis' face to distract him. Elvis angrily swatted at the white insect....
tbc
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*A spanner is an adjustable wrench.
**Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson were married in May of 1994 so it fits this time line.
