This is Part 5 of the Comedy Round Robin. The writers had great fun doing this and we all hope you find it entertaining and funny.
The Writers:
Ann (TOC)
Classicalla
Doc
LoisLane2
MetroRhodes
Edited by Classicalla
The usual disclaimers apply.
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From Part 4:
"I now pronounce you man and wife. I really, really, really, really do." He threatened Clark with his hook. "Kiss her already, matey!"
Lois sighed into Clark's kiss. She looked up at him and said, "Maybe we can do something about that kilt-less Elvis jumpsuit now, eh?"
The one-eyed, black patched pirate said, "Well, I can see you two are in a hurry. Here's all your paperwork. Thar's a lovely pirate honeymoon suite in the hotel."
Seeing as how there was a Star Trek Convention in town, though, Lois and Clark had no luck what-so-ever in finding any kind of honeymoon suite....
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Strange Revelations - Round Robin - Part 5: Double, Double, Naughty Trouble
Fortunately, however, our two newlyweds soon met the Las Vegas version of Goldilocks while they were honeymoon-hunting.
"Hiya, Lois and Clark! Looking for a honeymoon suite? I can get you a G-rated, a PG-13, or an nfic-rated one!"
"Hmmm, I'd sure like the nfic-rated one," Lois purred.
"Oh, me too, me too, but you know we aren't allowed to, honey."
"Well, I won't take the G-rated one!" Lois crossed her arms and pouted.
"We'll have the PG-13 one! Where is it? What happens in it?"
"Why, it's right here! I'll just wave this wand in front of you. And then, presto! You are sent into hyperspace. And while you are there *anything* can happen, as long as you don't tell anyone about it, okay?"
"Yesss!!!!" Lois squealed. "Send us there already!!!"
Lois and Clark emerged from their hyperspace honeymoon a few hours later with sloppy grins all over their faces.
"I'd say you successfully nursed me back to health, wife."
"Well I should hope so, husband. If that didn't do it, I don't know what would."
"Lois! Clark! Thank goodness I found you!" a voice screamed. It was Jimmy. He was running at them full tilt. "Uh, I didn't interrupt anything did I?" he asked with a funny grin on his face.
"Thank goodness not this time, no," Lois answered him.
Jimmy looked a little disappointed. Clark thought he might need a good bob on the head. Jimmy saw what Clark was about to do and ducked. "Whoa, wait! I just came here to tell you about Perry! After Elvis died... again... he got so depressed..."
Lois said suspiciously, "Jimmy, you looked awfully disappointed when you found out you hadn't interrupted anything. Why?" She crossed her arms and patted her foot.
"Well, Lois, any guy in his right mind would want *to be* where Clark *just was*." He sighed. "Oh, well, you are taken. I suppose I'll ..."
Clark interrupted. "You had just better remember that she's taken. She's *all* mine!" Lois cuddled up to him and looked at him lovingly. Clark patted her on the arm. "I'm sure Perry will be fine. How could he have gotten very attached to that green monstrosity anyway? Hmmm... Maybe Goldilocks or Samantha*, or Piper, Phoebe, and Paige** or his fairy godmother could zap him into a hyperspace Elvis reality every so often and make him think Elvis is alive and well. Yeah.. I think that could work. Quit looking at my wife!"
Lois just nodded. She was still looking at Clark with a besotted look. "Jimmy, did you know that my husband Clark is Superman?" She giggled.
"Wife? Husband? Superman? I just thought you were dressed a little weird, Clark. It's Las Vegas, after all, and you both have Elvis style jumpsuits on. Of course, you do have a bright red cape hanging over the outside of yours." Jimmy looked at the two of them like he thought both had lost their minds. "Now back to Perry - he ate Elvis' kryptonite heart and..."
"Hmmm... Am I still dressed like Elvis? No need for me to still be dressed like that, you know. I found all these clothes of mine floating about in hyperspace. Apparently that's where I stash my stuff when I spin in or out of Superman. I found three dinosaur ties, two left shoes, one right red boot, one cape, and two pairs of red briefs. Makes me wonder if I have I ever done any Superman rescues without my red briefs? Let's hope it was really dark if I did...."
He rolled his eyes. Red boot, red cape, red briefs. Red, Red, Red. Again with the thoughts of red.
"Prrrrrrrr," Lois purred and ran her hand dangerously low down Clark's back.
"Hey guys, I don't want to interrupt anything, but I gotta tell you that I hacked into your computers at the Daily Planet...."
"WHAAAT???"
".... so I found this message for the two of you that Perry has been kidnapped. Henderson believes someone took him because he ate Elvis's green heart...."
"Well that should give him the blues! Or the greens!"
"....to use that kryptonite against Superman, you know? Only Henderson doesn't know who the kidnapper is...."
"No clues at all?"
".... but he thinks there is a snitch, or a fortune-teller, perhaps with a split-personality*** and possibly known as Classic Metro ...."
"Spit it out already!!"
"....and he thinks this Classic Metro knows who the kidnapper is...."
"Get yourself into those red briefs, Clark! Let's go find Classic Metro!"
Classic Metro, as the name would suggest, was dressed in a snazzy zoot suit, bopping down the streets by Hobb's Bay to the rhythm of his pinstriped goons' finger snaps as they trailed behind him dragging the morose Perry White.
"Well, Perry, it's a fine day for destruction, wouldn't you say?"
Perry mumbled something unintelligible.
Classic Metro was about to launch into a prepared evil speech when something caught his attention. He stopped in his tracks, snapping a hand into the air, "Halt, Goons!"
The goons stopped, tapping their feet in a suspense-filled musical bridge.
Classic personality said, "Stop tapping your feet. I gotta do something about this depressed kidnappee. He's no fun at all."
Metro said, "Here goons, sing and dance some Elvis songs. I got someone to see."
Classic Metro then went to the police station.
Metro personality approached the desk sergeant, Sergeant Herbert, who watched him with great interest. Suddenly a far away look came over Classic Metro's face as he said mysteriously, "I see a famous future for you..." Then he shook his head.
Classic spoke to Metro, "They better have cheered White up with their snappy renditions of Elvis songs. What do you think?"
Metro answered and spoke to Classic, "White! Why you fiend! You kidnapped him." He looked at the desk sergeant. "Where's Henderson." The desk sergeant pointed toward Henderson.
Classic said, "No! You can't tell Henderson." He started to turn around.
Metro turned back and said, "Oh, yes, I can! Henderson! CLASSIC Metro kidnapped Perry White. He needs Elvis' green kryptonite heart so he can control Lex Harbour and Hobbs Bay and..."
Inspector Henderson said, "I'd like to point out that you are Classic Metro."
Metro said, "I'm Classic METRO. CLASSIC Metro kidnapped him. Don't you know the difference? You are supposed to be a police inspector." Then with a mystical look, Classic Metro said, "I see something green in your future..."
Classic said, "Metro, what have you done?!"
Classic turned to leave and Metro turned back then Classic turned to leave then Metro turned back then Classic turned to leave then Metro turned back then....
Suddenly Classic Metro stopped dead still. Everyone in the precinct stared. What was wrong?
Metro finally said "I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's difficult keeping track of what's happening!"
Classic took over, "Yes, I know what you mean. Especially when one of us goes off on a weird tangent. It's hard to follow."
"Well, do the two of you think you could work together?" Henderson asked. "With the help of one of my undercover officers? Classic Metro, meet Ms. Naughty Toc. It's her code name. She got it because she likes to talk in innuendo. You can call her Toc for short. Please work with her to find Perry and get this case resolved. We can't have green kryptonite out there floating around."
"We can try. No, you can try. No, you can try." The enigmatic look returned as he spoke again, "Oooohhh, Toc, I see a naughty story in your future... " He shook himself. "What? Yes, we can work together. As long as Classic can give up his idea of controlling Lex Harbour and Hobb's Bay. No, as long as Metro quits snitchin' on me. Yes, yes, we, we. Noooo kryptonite. Perry is with the dancin' goons who are singin' a suspense-filled musical bridge down at Hobb's Bay. You snitched on me. Did not. We agreed. Okay. Right. We. Do you think he's happier now? He's so depressed. How are we gonna get the kryptonite? He ate it. No, no. No kryptonite. Remember. Oh, yeah. No kryptonite. No snitchin' either."
Ms. Naughty Toc cleared her throat. "GentleMEN! Er, gentleMAN! Please! Let's just go to Hobb's Bay and get Perry White and the kryptonite. Okay?"
"Yes, No, Yes, No. We agreed didn't we? Let's go." CLASSIC Metro and Classic METRO were actually able to agree to be Classic Metro long enough to show Ms. Naughty Toc where Perry White was.
Toc shook her head and said, "No one is ever gonna believe this, least of all, Superman..."
Toc suddenly whistled ear-piercingly, and the next moment Superman arrived, immaculately dressed in his Superman getup (*including* his red briefs). Superman carried Lois is his arms, and the two of them landed next to an approving Toc.
"Nice to see the two of you hitched! Hope you had a good time in hyperspace! Doing - oh-hooo! Oo-hoooo!!!" She cackled and slapped Superman's behind, then kneaded one of his hind cheeks a little longer for a good measure of (her) pleasure.
"All right, I know they say that you've *ALWAYS* rooted for me and Superman - but will you please keep your hands to yourself?"
"Sure, sure. Sure, sure." She giggled. " All right, Superman, Lois, CLASSIC Metro and Classic METRO - can we all go to Hobb's Bay now and retrieve Perry from the Goons?"
"But what do we do about Elvis' kryptonite heart that Perry ate?"
"Ah! Glad you asked. Well, I sneaked by the Fudge Castle a little while ago, and so I know about their most toxic ice-cream flavors - Nail Polish Detergent and Foot Odour Fantoestic. We feed this goo to Perry. It's guaranteed to neutralize everything, even kryptonite."
"But won't it kill Perry?"
Naughty Toc flashed Clark an all too naughty smile. "Of course not. Thanks to you."
"Thanks to me?" Superman asked her.
"Yes, remember when you came to work for Perry you introduced him to paava leaves for his high blood pressure? Well it just so happens that paava leaves provide a protective coating to the stomach as well. That's why he was able to eat the green kryptonite with no adverse effects. He's been eating those paava leaves for years now." Toc turned to see Classic Metro arguing with himself yet again.
"Get a grip, you two, um... you..." Toc shook her head in confusion. "You've gotta lead the way. So get going! We'll grab the ice-cream on our way."
Superman held Lois in one arm, Naughty Toc in the other (he held this arm outstretched from his body to prevent Toc from running her fingers over his behind, and he held Classic Metro with his knees. (Classic Metro, by the way, behaved like a remarkably calm and together kind of person, perhaps because somebody without medical knowledge is writing him at the moment.)
At the Fudge Castle, Toc took charge.
"Gimme all your Nail Polish Detergent ice-cream and your Foot Odour Fantoestic ice-cream!"
The owner reluctantly put two cartons of *very* suspicious-looking (and suspicious-smelling) ice-cream on the counter, muttering that the Metropolis Department for the Control of Toxic Substances had confiscated all his other cartons of these two sensational flavors.
Before he had finished muttering, Superman had scooped up Lois, Toc, Classic Metro and the two cartons of ice-cream (he held them in his teeth) and flew towards Hobb's Bay. Before they reached their destination, however, Superman began swaying and wobbling precariously.
"What's wrong?" Lois asked him.
"We must be... getting close. It's the... kryptonite... I can't hold on much..." he mumbled through clenched teeth.
Suddenly all members of the flying party went plummeting towards the water. Thankfully they were only about twenty feet up at the time, so no one was injured from the fall. But they watched in dismay as Superman continued to fall, losing control and crashing into a nearby building.
"Superman!" Lois screamed.
"The ice-cream!" Toc yelled.
"Oh, my heads!" Classic Metro howled.
Metro said, "Your head!"
Classic said, "Your head!"
Toc said, "Enough already! Stop that. We have to retrieve that ice-cream!"
Lois said, "Ice-cream?! What about Superman?!"
Since the ice-cream and Superman were together Lois and Toc ran to the same place. Some how, Clark had managed to hold on to the ice-cream. He looked up at both them. "Oooohhh... You know it just occurred to me. How did Lois eat kryptonite and not suffer adverse effects?"
Lois answered in a rather bored fashion. "Oh, well Superman. You know me. I've got a cast-iron stomach. I can eat almost anything - bombs excluded."
Then Clark looked at the rapidly approaching Toc who was heading straight for his behind. "Hey, no more kneading!"
Toc looked at Superman suggestively, "Oh, come on Clark." She leaned forward onspiratorially. "I won't tell anyone you're Clark Kent."
What could he do? He couldn't have Ms. Naughty Toc telling everyone his secret. He just sighed and gave her better access. "Just remember that's all your gonna get!"
For a few delicious, dazzling, dizzy, minutes, Toc was in naughty heaven........
tbc
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*Bewitched
**The Charmed Ones... (Charmed)
***As a nurse with psychiatric experience, I have an FYI note to make: A split personality IS NOT the same thing as a schizophrenic. That is a VERY common error. A split personality is just that. Schizophrenics have hallucinations and delusions. While they are not mutually exclusive they ARE NOT the same. Classicalla
