This is Part 8 of the Comedy Round Robin. The writers had great fun doing this and we all hope you find it entertaining and funny.
The Writers:
Ann (TOC)
Classicalla
Doc
LoisLane2
MetroRhodes
Edited by Classicalla
The usual disclaimers apply.
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From Part 7
While Perry was trying to figure out why Tornado Alice was upset, Naughty Toc waved her wand and her most wonderful piggy post disappeared in a flash. CLASSIC was forced into drastic measures to get Granny to wave her wand again! A portion of the piggy post must reappear!
CLASSIC said, "Alice, Perry loves you and Granny will help make it all better, won't you Granny??
Granny waved her starry wand....
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Strange Revelations Part 8 - Desperate Housewife And as she waved her starry wand over everyone, she said, "Piggedy wiggedy, ookedy ook." Suddenly everything was fixed.... well, almost.
CLASSIC said, "Perry! You must become Colonel Perry and manage Piggy Elvis and Piggy Priscilla."
METRO said, "I heartily agree!"
Perry's eyes lit up and he vigorously nodded his head. Alice happily agreed since she would always get to be with Perry. Perry spent half his time at the Planet and the other half teaching the piggies how to be Elvis and Priscilla. He reveled in the all the fun. Piggy Elvis and Piggy Priscilla had become STARS!!
Poor Ms. Naughty Toc wasn't even too upset about losing Perry to Elvis. After all, she still knew the 'secret' and could sneak a pinch of that beautiful Super behind any time she wanted. That was all she could get away with though.
Piggy Elvis and Piggy Priscilla were doing great, but Granny still hadn't quite gotten it right. The public did not know that living inside Piggy Elvis was Kermit the Frog. Piggy Priscilla actually had the ability to divide her Piggy Priscilla and her Miss Piggy personalities into two people thus allowing the Three Little Piggies Show that was very popular. Piggy Elvis could not divide his personalities into two actual beings but every so often in concert he would forget what was happening and began singing, "It's not easy being green..."
Poor Classic Metro was so confused. Because of Granny's continued slip-ups, he sometimes sounded like Elvis but of course he still looked like Classic Metro. He didn't do bad with his new occupation as an Elvis impersonator, though, since he sounded more like 'The King' than 'The King'. His favorite song was 'Kentucky Woman'. Because he was so confused, he developed more personalities. CLASSIC and METRO now had to deal with Elvisito, Elvisita, Sweet Ann, Swede Ann, Suede Ann, Psuedonann, Spleenish, Splat, The Doctor, the Disc Jockey (sometimes called DJ), the Rhode Rummer, and the Nutty Nurse on a daily basis. And sometimes Ssue appeared as everyone's favorite evil nfic personality. On occasion Tank, LabRab, RabLat, Windy Wendy, and SmithNan reared their head. And once, but only once, LaneLois the 2nd actually wrote a couple of paragraphs.
Elvis and Priscilla had lots and lots of piglets to add to the Piggy family. In addition to Pigscilla, Piggy, Peggy, Piggybank, Piggyback, Piggy-Becky, Piggywiggy, Pigwam, Snout, Oink, Ham, Ham Actor, Hamstring, Hamburger, Hamsterdam, Hampty-Dampty and Hamlet they added Canadian Bacon, Bacon Bits, HamStir, Piggette, Piggish, Pigheaded, Sausage, Snausage, Hog and... Harley.
Everyone was very happy except Dr. Bernard Klein. It seems that Harley stole his Hog!! What was he to do for transportation since his beloved motorcycle was missing?
Perry was happy again. Clark looked wistful as he peered through the time window and he contemplated the happy Piggy family that Granny had shown them.
"It would sure be nice to have kids... so many kids," he said, as he counted the twenty-seven piglets, who soon would have some more brothers and sisters since Priscilla was pregnant again.
Granny sneaked a peak at Lois' abdomen and looked like the cat that ate the canary.
"What?" said Clark, hopefully.
"What?!" said Lois, a little alarmed.
"Nine months," purred Granny. "That's all I'm saying."
"You mean... I'm pregnant?" said Lois, looking a little aghast.
"You mean... I'm going to be a daddy? We're going to have a baby?" said Clark, looking even more hopeful.
"Who said anything about *a* baby, Clark?" purred Granny.
"You mean... I'm having twins????" Lois gasped.
"Uh-uh, dearie," said Granny, looking like the parent who has bought the kid the gift that's going to blow the kid's mind into the next century. "Try again!"
"Triplets?" asked Clark. Lois couldn't say a thing because she had fainted.
"Nu-uh!!!!"
"Quadruplets?"
"Nope! Teee-heee!!!!"
"Quintuplets?"
"Yes!!!!! Yoooo-hoooo! I'm finally going to be a Great-Granny... five times over!!!"
Bernie was so sad over the theft of his Harley that he had been spending lots and lots of time eating his favorite ice cream flavor at the Fudge Castle. The owner had even created a flavor in Bernie's honor - Bernie's Burnt Blueberry Berry Berry Banana. Lois and Clark would have been jealous, but there was already a Superman flavor and a LL flavor - Lemaculous Lemon.
Oh, yes, Granny was going definitely going to be a great-granny five times over. She had just failed to mention what she meant by five times a great granny. Thanks to Granny's accelerated pregnancy spell Lois gave birth two days later at the Fudge Castle. Fortunately, Bernie was there to help.
Since Bernie was helping with the delivery of the Kentapalooza, Lois and Clark decided that the quintuplets would have to be named after Bernie. Bernie, Bernard, Bernette, Bernice, and Bernadette soon arrived on the scene.
Lois sighed, "Finally! All five are out."
Bernie said, "Uhh... Lois..."
Lois proceeded to deliver Kal, Jor, El, Lara, Zara, Sara, Ching, Ling, Lucy, little Lois, little Clark, Lane, Jerome, Teri, Hatcher, Dean, George, Cain, Tanaka, and Superbubba.*
During all this excitement, someone quietly sat at the bar of the Fudge Castle eating Superman and Lemaculous Lemon ice-cream. Clark took notice of him. Wasn't that....
Priscilla was not one to be beat, though. She could visit from the other time through the always open portal anytime she wanted, and naturally she had picked today to visit. On the other side of the Fudge Castle, she was delivering HamBone, HamBorg, Hametta, BayCon, PorkChop, Hoggetta, ImaHogg, YouraHogg....
"Quick" Lois said, "call in the cavalry."
"The cavalry?" Clark asked.
"Yeah, you know, your mom, my mom, and anyone we can possibly get to help us with this litter of kids!"
"Cat, Lucy, Mrs. White..." Clark began naming off all the women he knew who could help.
"Clark! Not Cat!"
And of course, right at that moment, Cat walked in. "Look at what the Cat dragged in," said Lois, a bit sourly.
"Well, well, well, what have we here," purred Cat. "Lois Lane - or is that Lois Lane-Superman? ...and her twenty-five newborn. You've outdone yourself, Lois! So, what is it like to be married to Superman?"
"I'm not married to Superman, I'm married to *Clark*! I'm Lois Lane-Kent!"
"Soooo? Where is the happy father, then? Surely he should be here when you delivered his twenty-five-uplets!"
"Clark is... Clark had to... umm, he had program our VCR. So I don't miss the next episode of Desperate Housewives. That's, um, a show that's going to be very popular in the future, and we can watch it here thanks to... never mind...."
"Lois? Where is Clark, really?"
"Uh, he had to pick up his Cheese of the Month shipment! And then he had to... buy some... milk. That's right. He had to buy some milk. For me. When you are going to nurse twenty-five newborn, you need a lot of milk yourself...."
"All right, Lois. So why is Superman here?"
"Ummm.... Hi, Cat. I, uh, I, uh..."
"Quiet, Clark - I mean, quiet, Superman! Well, Superman is here because... he flew past and... and then he saw Clark and the milk, and... and then he took the milk from Clark, and brought it to me. It got here faster that way. I was very desperate, you know! Like a ...housewife... oh, never mind...."
"So Superman brought the milk to you? Where is it now, then?"
"Seriously, Cat? You're asking? It's not here, of course. I drank it!"
Superman said, "Uh.... Nice to meet you, Ms. Grant. I'll just... uh, fly now. So... cheerio, then! Oh, I and... hope the milk was good, Mrs. Lane-Kent."
Superman turned and flew out the window. 'Whooosssh!' A nanosecond later, the door opened and Clark Kent walked in. As he tried very hard to avoid Cat's stare, he said, "Darling! Honey! Did you get your milk all right? How's Bernie, Bernard, Bernette, Bernice, Bernadette, Jor, El, Lara, Zara, Sara, Ching, Ling, Lucy, little Lois, little Clark, Lane, Jerome, Teri, Hatcher, Dean, George, Cain, Tanaka and Superbubba?* By the way, darling, why did we name number twenty-four Tanaka?"
Cat said, "Hello to you too, Clark. So nice of you to say hello, by the way. Where's your Cheese of the Month shipment?"
"Hmmm? Cat? Oh, my Cheese of the Month shipment? Why, I ate it, of course! New fathers need a lot of cheese...."
"Cat, I understand that you look forward to changing, feeding and shushing up our twenty-five little ones, but why did you come here, really?"
Suddenly!! and unexpectedly! Baby Hatcher turned into an EGG!!
Without seeming to notice the egg, Cat let her fingertips run down his cheek and said in a sultry voice, "Well, Clark, actually, Dr. Klein sent me. He wanted me to tell you that the water level in Hobb's Bay is rising dangerously. Dr. Klein thinks it could be because of all the packages of instant water that fell out of Lois' purse into Hobb's Bay."
"Just add water..." said Lois, in dawning comprehension.
"...and you get more water! That instant water would certainly get wet down in Hobb's Bay!" exclaimed Clark. "Darling, how many packages of instant water did you have in that purse?"
"I don't know," said Lois miserably. "You know what they say, the things a woman puts in her purse tend to multiply there."
"Umm, we have another problem too, I think," said Granny. "Baby Hatcher just turned into an egg. That's not serious, though, I think. I'll just brood on him for a while, and then I think he'll hatch out just fine."
They all watched in amazement as Granny climbed up atop of the delicate little egg and settled in for a little roosting.
"Piggies?" classicMETRO mused.
"Eggs?" CLASSICmetro mused.
"What's next? A couple of cows and a horse?" they asked in unison.
"Moooooo," a cow mooed from across the street. Apparently the milk that Clark had obtained for Lois had come directly from the cow.
Lois stared at her husband in bemusement. "Honey when I said I wanted it fresh, I didn't mean quite *that* fresh." She giggled a little. "Now why don't you take that cow back to whatever farm you borrowed him from, and then go take care of that little water problem."
While Clark returned the cow, Lois showed Cat how to feed, change and shush up twenty-four little babies. Fortunately, baby Hatcher needed no care from Cat, as he was safe and secure in his egg under the downs of Granny.
After completing his cow-mission, Clark flew to Hobb's Bay. The water was indeed rising dangerously. All the packages of instant water from Lois' purse were gushing out water like waterfalls.
"Why is the water so dark?" Clark asked Dr. Klein, who stood watching the rising tide of brown water with a very worried frown. "It almost looks like coffee."
"It *is* coffee, Superman!" said Dr. Klein. "You remember all those packages of instant coffee that Lois had in her purse?"
"Just add water...." Clark said, in dawning comprehension.
"Yes! Thousands of packages of instant water and thousands of packages of instant coffee is making an ocean of raging coffee, which is drowning all of Hobb's Bay! What can we do, Superman?"
"A moment, Dr. Klein!" Clark flew back to the farm where he had left the cow, retrieved it and brought it to Hobb's Bay. He started furiously milking it while he was levitating them both over the rising tide of brown liquid.
"What are you doing, Superman?"
"I'm putting some milk in the coffee!"
"How's that going to help? You are just adding more liquid to the rising tide."
"Well, see, Granny got confused again and permanently closed the time window that allowed Perry, Alice, Piggy Elvis, Piggy Priscilla, and all the little Piggy's to cross through at will. Perry, Alice and Harley are all here. Piggy Elvis, Piggy Priscilla and most of the rest of the piggies are still there. It does seem that maybe one little piggy is missing, though. Perry really loves Elvis but he decided he rather remember the real Elvis rather than being Colonel to the Piggy family. Perry really missed being at the Planet full time anyway. Those people in the other time were getting pretty suspicious anyway since all the little Piggy's looked like pigs with pink polka dots. Piggy Elvis got so he thought he was Kermit all the time and all he could sing anymore was, "It's not easy being green..." Piggy Priscilla and Miss Piggy forgot how to recombine their two selves which is just as well since she needs both herselves to take care of all those piglets. There are up to 137 little piglets, now. And..."
"Uhh... What's that got to do with the milk?"
"I was getting to that - don't interrupt me," he said as he continued milking the cow. "And, well, Perry is happy to be back, but after being the Colonel he's really exhausted since the time passes more quickly there than here. And since he is going to be working hard at the Planet now, he needs lots of coffee to keep him awake and he likes milk in his coffee." He was done milking the cow and quickly froze a sizable portion of Hobb's Bay. He knew just where to store it. As he flew to Antarctica, he thought of the dream and with that dream came a flash of red.
With that done he flew back to help to Lois who was now at home. Hatcher had hatched into a lovely little Kentlet. Tanaka was a little broody because Auntie Toc didn't know that she was named in honor of the other Cain's surname at birth prior to being adopted by Cain. And it seemed that Kal was missing. He found Ms. Naughty Toc in a corner cooing at Kal. As soon as she saw Clark she started towards him with an outreached hand. He obligingly turned around. When he turned back, he said, "Toc, why are you hiding Kal." She cried, "My mouse was hurt** because it cut and pasted so many times and I forgot about poor Kal*. I'm trying to make it up. In the mean time, I've found that Kal shouldn't be Kal because Kal is a little girl. CLASSIC Metro and I agree that her name should be Wisteria.*** So there! You have twenty-five little uplets all safe and sound - Bernie, Bernard, Bernette, Bernice, Bernadette, Wisteria, Jor, El, Lara, Zara, Sara, Ching, Ling, Lucy, little Lois, little Clark, Lane, Jerome, Teri, Hatcher, Dean, George, Cain, Tanaka and Superbubba!" *
"Hmmm... so Kal turned out to be a little girl. So now I'm the proud Papa of Wisteria. And Hatcher has hatched. All in all, that's excellent news. It calls for a celebration! Let's have the world's biggest coffee party down at Hobb's Bay! Free coffee for everyone!"
"I wouldn't advise drinking this coffee, Clark," said Bernard Klein. "It's mixed with bay water from Hobb's Bay."
"Well, can't you fix that? You are the scientist!"
"Probably the only thing that could fix this would be something from Lois' purse. A coffee filter, perhaps? Is she carrying around a coffee filter in that purse?"
"No, but... wait here!" Superman flew back to Lois and whispered something in her ear. Lois' face lit up, then she blushed, then she looked alarmed.
"Granny, I need to be on the pill! Get me on the pill!"
"Okay, dearie," said Granny. And the next moment Lois was sitting across a horse-sized white pill.
"Will this protect me?" Lois asked doubtfully.
"You bet, dearie! Now off to hyperspace with you. Cat and I will look after the little ones."
Superman grabbed Lois' purse and the pill, and then he took hold of Lois and flew them both into hyperspace. After twelve hours, they returned. (Well, Lois and Clark returned, the pill had been used up.) Lois looked completely stupidly blissful, most of her clothes were inside out or back to front, and her hair was such a mess that if it hadn't been cut short already they would have had to cut it off. Clark was beaming. In his hand he held Lois's purse, from which a pair of ripped nylons were sticking out.**** Holding Lois close to his heart, he flew to Hobbs Bay and started to pull Lois's nylons out of her purse. Clark kept pulling and pulling, the nylons kept coming out and out and out of Lois's purse. In the end there were many square miles of finely stitched nylon lying at Bernard Klein's feet.
"There you have your coffee filter, Bernard," said Clark.
So they all sat down for a millisecond to have a civilized cup of Hobb's River coffee. Perry had so many cups that he had to run off in search of some *facilities*.
Granny jumped off the egg and started shouting excitedly, "It's hatching. It's hatching!"
Everyone turned in wonder to watch as cracks began to form in the egg....
* Pay attention to these names
** In a recent post, TOC noted she had copied and pasted so much that her mouse was broken.
*** From the recent story
The Name in which Lois jokingly asked about naming their baby Wisteria..
**** We'd like to thank Sue S. for the inspiration of ripped nylons - Faustian Bargain, Part 2. I did not post the link because the story is nfic.
