Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic FDK: A New Hero Part 24

It was interesting to see Clark with Henderson. I've always liked the Chief of Police. Of course, Bill Henderson was always particularly irresistible when he was talking to Lois, so it's a pity she isn't here. Anyway, I'm glad he came clean with Clark and made him understand that he had figured out Clark's secret long ago! But Clark didn't want to admit that the new superhero who resuced Jenni Green is Zared, eh?

As for that thing about Candy, the girl Clark dated - I'll just say this much: it didn't improve my image of Clark as a sexual being in this story. And not even primarily because of Candy's bisexuality, but because Clark allowed himself to be talked into having sex with her when he wasn't in love with her.

But I sure liked it that Jon got his suit! And you know I liked the suit you had Martha make for him!

Ah, well, you know I don't want Clark to have sex with anyone but Lois, so whenever he brings a female to bed in your story, I get uncomfortable. I have no such compunctions when it comes to his sons, however, and I loved this snippet of dialogue between Jon and Hannah, after Jon showed her his new super-suit:

Too funny, Nancy!

But the Mutilator is about to kill both Jenni and Margeaux, and he threatens Anamarie, too. But...

Yay!!! Sons of Superman to the rescue!!! Go, Jon and Zared!!!

And well done, Claire and Chloe, too!

I just loved this:

How typical! Isn't this what kids do these days? Take pictures with their cell phones - you called them min-comps? - all the time! Anyway, how typical! I liked it that Bruce just watched, too, instead of joining the fray. He let the Kent family handle the Mutilator.

And I loved this:

How adorable! Zared hasn't thought of a name for himself yet, but Jenni names him on the spot! I love it! (And FireWind is a really good name, too.)

And this was just too sweet and funny:

Adorable!!! And this was just lovely, too:

And we got to see Meowoof one more time in this chapter:

I just love that kitty!

And this was funny:

Yes indeed, why would billionaire Bruce Wayne be one of the chaperones at Jon and Zared Kent's graduation party? We know, of course, but the poor policeman must wonder.

And this is an interesting paragraph:

Clark is such a good and caring father, and therefore he worries about the dangers his sons will meet, now that they have embarked on their careers as superheroes. But now he can have a more adult relaitonship with them. I loved it that he thought of both his sons as his friends.

This paragraph mystified me:

What would the pale gray curtains signify? I'm afraid you lost me there. The only things I can think of are:

a) pale gray as in the color of depression, as a symbol of Clark's mood?

b) pale gray as a symbol of "the fading of the light", as a symbol of Clark's deteriorating condition?

I loved this image of Jon:

The handsome young superhero is asleep like a little boy. This is an adorable image. And a motherly nurse has put a blanket over him. This is heartwarming. After all, I'm sure the motherless boy must miss his own Mom, Lois.

Looking forward to the rest of this story, Nancy!

Ann

P.S. I think my favorite name for Jon would be Blue Flame.

Wow! Fantastic! Brilliant!

What more can I say?

I LOVE Meowoof's role - she is one cool cat!

Looking forward to Part 25

Regards,

SNL

Hi,

Great part.


Meowoof is the heroine!


I thought the mother was not in her apartment when he went there?


Love both names.

Thanks TOC, SNL, and Maria.

Actually this is supposed to be mini-comp. I managed to leave the 'i' out. I'll fix that. This is set a few years into the future, and I figure by that time combination cell-phones / hand-held computers will be much more common than just a cell phone. I just thought calling them a mini-comp sounded like a logical name. And yes, kids like to take pics with them.

The confusion at the end of this story - the gray curtains, the blue blanket, being in the hospital emergency room, and Jon's outfit - will be cleared up in the next part.

As for Hannah and Jenni talking about their boyfriends, isn't this typical behaviour for teenagers?


Maria noted:

She wasn't. He was bluffing. Thanks for catching this. I had a part where the police tell them their mother is okay. I guess I'm like Ann. My mouse must have been hurt and forgot to cut and paste. Anyway, I forgot to paste that part in. I'll fix it.

Nancy

Hi,


I was wondering why Henderson was not on the scene.

Love the new part.

Thanks, Maria!

Okay, Nancy, I promised you words and here they are.

First, I should confess that I've skimmed over some parts of the story so I only have a sketchy idea of what's happening with Clark's children. I'm a self-confessed Clark-o-file, so he's always my main point of interest in any story I read. That said, I can see that you're weaving a complicated and compelling tale of second-generation Kryptonian/human kids learning how to be who they are while still trying to fit into normal everyday life. I think you've captured the children's attitudes and dialogue very well, particularly the teenagers.

Overall, leaving aside a fun discussion we could have on (mostly minor) points of characterisation, you've got a great story to tell and I wish you well with that.

What I wanted to raise with you was the issue of narrative and bringing the story alive for your reader. You see, sometimes when I'm reading your story, I get a very good sense of the scene you're painting and the emotions of the characters involved, but at other times, I feel like I'm reading lines from a play without even the benefit of stage directions to give me those all-important clues as to how the characters are feeling and what the scene should look like in my head as I'm reading.

Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that I'm merely attempting a bit of friendly feedback that's constructive as well as complimentary. If I offend by doing so, then I apologise and I'll step quietly away.

Okay. /me takes a deep breath.

Clearly, you're quite capable of doing the scene-painting thing:

And then, a couple of paras later:

But then we get 17 exchanges of conversation between Henderson and Clark with no clue as to how either of them are behaving. At a pretty significant moment in Clark's life - when Clark tells Henderson who he is - we get no reaction at all from either Henderson or Clark:

Now, this little exchange could be interpretated in two different ways, depending on how Clark and Henderson react. We can do this:

Or we can do this:

See? Hopefully my writing skills are up to illustrating the difference. So much depends on those little narrative clues to tell us what our characters are really thinking as they speak their lines.

Here's another thing:

I imagine that blow hurt Clark a lot, but we get no sense of this. Maybe he was too concerned about Caitlyn to notice the pain? Either way, we'd get a more vivid experience of the action if we knew.

We also don't get any sense of how the children feel about their father and his girlfriend having just been beaten up and, in the case of their father, possibly being fairly ill and in pain as a result. Surely they're worried?

Are they lying down? Sitting up? In the case of Clark, clutching his stomach, or braving it out with only the occasional wince? Is Caitlyn tending to her own injuries, or fussing over Clark? Are they on the edge of the pool on hard concrete or on slightly more forgiving grass? Are they sopping wet and dripping with water? Shivering?

The only person whose feelings and behaviour we know for definite is the cat's:

Again, you can obviously do this stuff and do it very nicely. I just think you need to do more of it - without going OTT, of course!

There are lots more examples I could quote, but I don't want to labour the point. Again, apologies if you don't want this sort of feedback, or would prefer to receive it in private. It's just that we have a tradition of constructive criticism on these boards and I thought it would be nice to resurrect it.

Happy writing!

Yvonne

While I've written several stories, this is the first one that I've had the nerve to post. I have posted three vignettes since I started posting this one, though. Since I'm new, I'll take any help I can get, so no, I don't mind at all. I guess sometimes I feel that the story has gotten 'cumbersome' and I wonder if the reader really wants all the detail. I know there have been many parts that I've just plain deleted because I didn't think people would be interested. I will re-think that.

I'm also interested in your characterization ideas. Feel free to email me. I will say though, that my characterization is not strictly LnC. I've been a Superman fan since I was a small child, and sometimes I find it difficult to stick with strictly LnC. I know I got a lot of flack over the Mayson incident - both here and via private email.

Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Take a look at Defeated and tell me what you think.

Nancy

Nancy, it sounds like you're hitting that low spot most people get when they're writing a long story. The initial enthusiasm for the new project has worn off, you've been living with these characters and their problems for what seems like forever, you pretty much know what's going to happen in the end, and you're just tired. Hang in there! It's worth the slog, honest.

Depends what you mean by detail. If you mean details about what Caitlyn ate for breakfast, or what colour shoes she's wearing, then no, we don't want that. We also don't want the life history of minor characters, or side stories about how Jon fell in the water aged six and had to be rescued by his Dad.

But we do want the detail about what the characters are doing, thinking and feeling as your story unfolds. Yes, we can get some of that from their dialogue, but not all of it.

As regards characterisation, I won't discuss that here, because it's a subject which can get very contentious and we've already had an awful lot of debates about it. I may email you privately, but not soon - life is somewhat hectic at the moment and my brain feels like useless mush right now rather than a razor sharp intellectual instrument.

Yvonne

Just wanted to give you guys an update. Part 25 is ready, but I need to re-read it once more. Now I have a migraine. (Those seem to be going around of late on the boards...) I'll post it as soon as I can.

Nancy