From Last Time:
“We have reason to believe that Talan’s forces are planning an offensive. Have operations been compromised?” Rae Et asked, her voice unnervingly even.
Jen Mai swallowed roughly. “No, ma’am. The cell that was disrupted was isolated. The other operations have not been affected.”
“So you believe,” she challenged.
“Yes, ma’am,” he conceded. “But there is nothing to suggest the other groups have been compromised.”
“Yet. That cell fell apart because you were sloppy. Because you and your cronies are incompetent.” She stood up from behind her desk. “Do not fail again. My patience with you has worn thin.”
********
New Stuff:
He looked around at the unfamiliar settings. Giant trees soared high overhead, their branches filtering the light from the red sun. The ground under his feet was carpeted in thick grass and brilliantly colored flowers he didn’t recognize. He knelt down and touched the earth—soft, warm, and wet beneath his hand. He certainly wasn’t on New Krypton.
Clark stood up and surveyed his surroundings. He began jogging and was soon running through the forest. Suddenly, he found himself in a clearing. He spun around, looking upward at the vermillion sky and the mountains jutting out against the horizon in the distance. He headed toward them, running until he was breathless. In the valley below the mountains, he followed the wending path of wide, placid river toward its source in the foothills.
He continued through the hills until he found himself at the base of a steep palisade of ivory-colored rock. Improbably, a staircase had been carved into the side of the cliff, tracing up the sheer rock face to the ridge hundreds of feet overhead. He made his way up the staircase and followed the path along the ridge. He looked out at the verdant valley spread out below him and the forest that lined its edges, but felt compelled to continue. He didn’t even know where he was going, but he somehow knew there was somewhere he was supposed to be.
Near the top of the mountain, he crossed the wide stone bridge spanning a crevasse and followed the path along the opposite side. A waist-high wall of marble columns, wrapped in leafy vines, served as a guardrail, protecting travelers from the dizzying drop. He placed his hand on the wall; the stone was warm and smooth. The ledge widened into a broad landing. Opposite the edge, he could look in on the courtyards and gardens of a palace built on the mountain. Its spires and towers soared clear above the mountain’s heights. The path widened and he found himself walking through a covered corridor under soaring columns and arches. Warm sunlight filtered in between the columns, casting long shadows on the ground in front of him. He could hear a fountain bubbling somewhere nearby, probably within the maze of gardens hidden from view.
He followed the corridor as it curved along the side of the cliff. The canopy ended and there was nothing overhead except the rose-colored firmament and the setting sun. He found himself on an immense semi-circular balcony overlooking the valley below. A slender woman in a dark blue gown leaned against the balcony’s wall. He would have recognized her anywhere. Her raven-dark hair. The curve of her neck. The elegance of her long, tapered fingers. A mild breeze stirred the trees overhead, causing a soft shower of tiny, white blossom petals to fall upon the balcony. She turned to look at him; the silken fabric of the gown’s skirt rustled slightly, the slit along one side giving him a tantalizing glimpse of one long, perfect leg. She smiled at him and he suddenly felt like he would never be cold again.
Clark closed the distance between them in long, quick strides and took her outstretched hand. Curling his fingers around hers, he drew her into his arms and held their joined hands against his chest. He looked down and realized for the first time that he was wearing the formal robes and heavy black mantle he was forced to don for ceremonial purposes. She slipped one hand around his waist and placed her head upon his shoulder, sighing contentedly. “Dance with me,” she murmured.
He smiled as he kissed the crown of her hair. “We need music.”
“Fill my heart with song,
And let me sing forever more,
You are all I long for,
All I worship, and adore,”
She sung softly. He closed his eyes, still holding her hand against his heart. Their bodies swayed together.
“Do you still love me?” she murmured.
“Until the end of time,” he replied.
A sudden rumbling caused him to still. He wrapped his arms around Lois protectively as he looked up at the darkening sky. The ground beneath them continued to shake. He watched, terrified, as the cliffs started to crumble. Lois looked up at him, fear shimmering in her dark brown eyes. “It came sooner than we thought,” she whispered.
“No.” He shook his head, holding her as tightly as he could. Clark pulled her away from the edge of the balcony as it began to crack and fall apart. He tried to protect her body with his, but what good would it do against the force of a shattering wall of rock? The world was literally crumbling all around them. He closed his eyes, wishing he still had his powers, that he could just fly them to safety.
“I love you,” she whispered against his chest.
“Lois, I’m so sorry,” he murmured. The sounds of the mountain cracking and splitting open at its seams thundered around them.
He nearly fell out of bed as he sat up with a start. His heart still pounding so loudly he could hear nothing else. He gulped in a lungful of air and looked up at the ceiling, trying desperately to figure out why he’d dreamed them onto Krypton, reliving his parents’ deaths. Intellectually, he’d tried to understand what they must have gone through, but nothing prepared him for the terror of living it out in his mind, of imagining the world coming apart in a vicious explosion of fire and chaos. Even his encounters with the Nightfall asteroid hadn’t prepared him for this.
He’d been spared his parents’ fate. He’d been spared the terrible deaths that had claimed them and the countless other victims of Krypton’s destruction. And now, he thought humorlessly, he was a victim of Krypton’s salvation. On a geologically stable, quiet little planet, the surviving children of Krypton seemed hell bent on tearing this new world apart, even if they had to do it without the assistance of crumbling continents and volcanic fury.
Clark took comfort in the fact that no amount of destruction wreaked on this world could ever touch Lois. She was safe. She was protected. He stood up and dressed in the darkness before heading out into main chambers. He hadn’t seen Zara since their last briefing earlier that evening and simply assumed she was with Ching. The thought didn’t stir up any resentment in him. He cared about her greatly and he didn’t want her to be alone. He didn’t want anyone to be alone.
He accessed the computer network, but hesitated for a moment before beginning his search. It was late, but he wasn’t exactly surprised to see that she was currently accessing the defense mainframe. He placed a secure call through the communications system. The large screen on the opposite wall flickered to life.
“Good evening, sir,” she said politely.
“Still working?” he asked.
Talan nodded. “I was running computer simulations of combat contingency scenarios. Is something the matter, sir?”
“No, I just couldn’t sleep,” he replied noncommittally. “I thought I’d check in and make sure everything is going well with the mission planning.”
“We already have operatives on the ground in Nor’s strongholds. We are collecting new information every day.”
“Do you plan on deploying with your troops?” he asked, wondering if she found it difficult to relinquish control of operations to her subordinate officers now that she was a general commander.
“If you will allow it,” she said, her tone deferential as always.
He nodded silently. For a long moment, neither said a word. “Commander, do you remember Krypton?” he ventured at last.
“Only vaguely, sir,” she replied. “I was not quite four years old when it was destroyed, and I am not certain what I truly remember and what I only believe I remember because I have seen it so many times in the images my parents brought along with us. I know that much of the planet was a desert, but what I remember of it was beautiful and alive. I remember the garden at our home. I remember playing in it as a child. And I remember leaving Krypton. My brother was only an infant. He was crying, and my mother was trying to calm him. I did not understand what was happening. Or how it was possible that we were never going to go home again.”
“You must have been terrified,” he said quietly, trying to wrap his mind around the thought of Talan being afraid of anything, never mind trying to imagine what she was like as a child.
“It was a frightening thing to experience as a child. But it could have been so much worse. Even if it rarely seemed that way, we were the fortunate ones.” A look of hesitance settled on her face, like she was trying to decide whether to say anything else. She bit her lip thoughtfully and then opened her mouth as if to speak, but said nothing.
“What were you like when you were little?” he asked. Wondering why it had never occurred to him before to ask. She might not have been forthcoming with information about herself. She certainly never volunteered, but as a friend, had he done enough asking?
“Restless,” she replied. “It’s why my father insisted that I study meditation. He hoped it would teach me patience.”
“Did it work?”
“Not at all.” She gave him a hesitant half smile. “That’s why I decided to make a career of the military. I suppose I felt like I had lost an entire world before I even had a chance to know it and I was not going to let it happen again. If there was anything worth knowing, anything worth seeing on this planet, I was going to see it.”
In a peculiar way, it was like she was describing his own motives when he set out to travel the world after college a decade ago. He had always known that he didn’t fit in, but it certainly wasn’t going to stop him from trying to see everything the world had to offer. To learn all of the planet’s secrets. And perhaps, maybe, find a place to belong. His wanderlust had finally died when he met Lois. Being with her made him no longer an outsider. It made him a part of the world.
He doubted that Talan’s passion for seeking adventure had faded in a similarly pleasant way. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
“At first,” she replied. “After I was commissioned, I spent three years leading a geological survey in the outerlands. There are about a hundred mountains and valleys and canyons and deserts that I saw before any other human being.”
He arched a skeptical brow. “A geological survey?” he asked.
“I was trained as a geologist,” she explained, her tone suggesting she was just a touch amused by his disbelief. “I had to make a living before this war started.”
“Why did I not know that about you?” he mused aloud as he leaned back in his chair, tipping it onto its back legs. In reality, he already knew the answer. He hadn’t known because he hadn’t bothered to ask. It was ironic, really. He always felt like no one here thought of him as anything other than the First Minister, that they assumed that he’d had no life and no identity before he’d taken up this one. And all this time, he’d been assuming the very same thing about someone he’d come to see as a dear friend. He’d never given much thought to who she was before she was the legendary commander of the Expeditionary Forces.
“Analyzing soil samples hasn’t exactly been my most useful skill recently,” she replied dryly.
He frowned, pretending to be perplexed. “You just made a joke, Commander.”
She smiled in response. An honest to goodness, pearly-white flashing grin. It faded quickly, but the corners of her mouth remained turned upward in a small smile. Her gray eyes softened. “Well, it is late, sir. And we’re both tired.”
“Sleep deprivation is the only plausible explanation,” he agreed.
“Indeed, sir,” she said with a slight bow, still smiling.
********
“This has been a very trying week, hasn’t it?”
Lois sighed and wondered if there was a prize for understatement of the decade she could give to her psychiatrist. “It has,” she agreed simply.
“I don’t suspect there’s any chance you haven’t seen the picture of you and the baby?”
She winced inwardly. The mere mention of that picture brought back to vivid life a moment she wished she could forget. “I see it everywhere I go.”
“How does it make you feel?”
“Like I’m reliving one of the worst moments of my life.”
“What made this death worse than the others?”
“The circumstances – just how pointless and preventable it was. The fact that it was a baby. No parent should ever have to bury their child,” she said, her voice barely more than a harsh whisper. She left unsaid what haunted her most – the fact that she had a son barely older than the child in the photograph. That it was only a year ago that her little boy had been that small and she’d held him exactly the same way as he slept or nursed. “I guess that, more than anything, that’s what I want to keep from happening.”
Dr. Friskin scratched away on her notepad with her pen. “No matter how powerful you are, you can’t prevent every death.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. I know this sounds narcissistic, but I do this for the same reason people become doctors – to cheat death. To stare it down and fight it back, because even though it’ll win eventually, it’s not going to win today. Not if there’s anything I can do to stop it.”
********
“Rae Et, how are you?” Alon asked, his smooth voice dripping with false concern.
“Spare me the small talk, Alon,” she replied dismissively with a wave of her hand. She looked at the distinguished senior councilor on the monitor. His hair gray but still thick. The wrinkles that fanned out from the corner of his eyes lent his expression thoughtfulness and solemnity. And yet, she could remember him as a whelp of a new councilor, eagerly seeking his place in Krypton’s echelons of power. He’d quickly aligned himself with her and had never dared to betray her trust. “What do you know of this new offensive?”
“Kal El has given General Commander Talan a free hand to reorganize the units within Joint Command to serve her task force. You should expect a fully integrated and relentless offensive.”
“We are planning a major tactical operation. Is it in jeopardy?” She knew an operation of this magnitude would normally have been ill advised, especially given their current position of weakness, but their supplies were dwindling. Unless they intended to fade into the planet’s harsh and barren deserts, they had no choice.
“I do not know yet, ma’am.”
“Have you any good news?” she asked dryly.
“Perhaps,” he replied, his tone cautious. “There is some resistance from the other general commanders within Joint Command.”
“That’s to be expected, is it not? The youngest of the general commanders suddenly encroaching on the little fiefdoms of the other officers is likely to bruise some egos.”
“I believe it may be more than that, ma’am. The head of Joint Command, Commander Daros, does not seem completely certain of his faith in the First Ministers. The chief of Intelligence, Commander Nen Fas, is his protégé. I think their doubts, if properly nurtured, can become a significant impediment.”
“Just don’t do anything obvious,” Rae Et chided. Secretly she was pleased to find that Alon still had the sort of access that could provide such useful information, but she wanted to leave no doubt in his mind just how quickly she’d have him dispatched if he turned into a liability.
“I will exercise complete and total discretion,” he said with a confidence she knew he did not actually possess. Good, it meant that he still feared her.
“That will be all, Alon.”
“Of course, ma’am.” He bowed deferentially before the call ended and the screen went blank.
********
"Ultrawoman! Thanks for coming by!" President Young announced jovially.
She stepped into the Oval Office, trying not to act as though she was taken aback by the unexpectedly warm greeting. "You wanted to see me, Mr. President?"
"Yes, I wanted to let you know that I'm appointing a Special Envoy to Kinwara to investigate the situation there," he said as he sat down on the corner of his desk.
Lois waited for the other shoe to drop, but the president added no qualifiers to his statement. "That's good to hear," she replied cautiously.
"Well that photograph of you is getting pretty hard to ignore. I've got senators calling and writing to know what the White House intends to do about the situation. Don't even get me started on Pennybaker; nice guy but he can be a pain in the butt when he wants to be."
She suppressed a smirk. From the president's perspective it would be hard to see Congressman Pennybaker as anything other than a pain in the butt. As the ranking member on the House Subcommittee on Human Rights, however, he was turning into a powerful ally in her cause.
"I think this is something he believes in, sir," she said. Not that getting arrested demonstrating outside a wildly unpopular country's embassy wasn't getting him good press for his reelection campaign. Lois wasn't exactly disposed toward buying anything any politician said and maybe it was just because she so desperately needed him in her corner, but for whatever reason, she believed Pennybaker was sincere.
"Well, you can let him know that I'm not making any promises, except that my envoy will look at the matter closely and fairly," President Young lectured in that mildly paternal, reassuring way of his.
"I'm sure he'll appreciate it, as do I."
"Yeah, but it won't stop him from conducting hearings," Young groused in a sudden change in tone and demeanor.
She wasn't certain if it was a good time to press the issue, but even Ultrawoman had few opportunities to address the president directly. "Sir, Congressman Pennybaker intends to introduce an aid package to Kinwara. Have you taken a position on the issue?"
He grinned and ducked the question blatantly. "Ask me again when I have to think about signing the damn thing. Until then, Pennybaker will have to contend with a pretty powerful China lobby that's going to view our involvement in the internal affairs of a sovereign nation as a whole lot of saber rattling."
'And on the eve of trade talks with China,' Lois mused to herself. She knew firsthand how steadfast the Chinese were in their opposition to intervention in Kinwara. Young didn't need another touchy subject to complicate the already delicate negotiations. Feeling like a beggar waiting on political scraps, she decided to take the president's somewhat meager offering and depart. Before she could make her excuses and withdraw, the door opened and the president's secretary stepped in.
"Sir, Secretary Wright is on the phone and you're late to your meeting with the Council of Economic Advisors," she said matter-of-factly.
"Duty calls," he said to Ultrawoman with a tight-lipped smile.
"Thank you for your time, Mr. President," she replied without conviction. Once outside the White House, she tried to put her disappointment in perspective. Yes, things were moving too slowly, but at least they were moving forward, she thought to herself. But what good did that do for the people who were suffering and dying right now? With no good answers, she took off for home, hoping to spend some time with her son.
********
Every day began and ended in the same place – the gymnasium. He kept telling himself that if he could project physical strength, it would be more difficult for the people around him to see emotional or mental weakness in him. So even though he was exhausted by the time the meetings and briefings and debate sessions were over, he spent hours each night training and would wake up early in the mornings to do the same. Even after informing him that he was healthy enough to exercise, Tao Scion had sternly chastised him against pushing his body too hard, but Clark couldn't stand feeling weak for even a moment longer.
His body sore and weary at the end of a seemingly interminable day, he sat down on the mat in the gymnasium and closed his eyes. Drawing in a deep breath, he tried to focus his mind inward, to banish the half million thoughts that swirled through his head constantly. Trying to break the total consciousness barrier was still a step too far for him. His mind and body were still too sensitive to handle the sound and fury that accompanied any attempt to cross that threshold. For now, meditation meant a few moments of quiet and calm for his jangling nerves.
Eventually he stood and slowly stretched his tired muscles, his pulse slow and steady again. He was saddened by the fact that the calm that had settled over him was fleeting. It provided no long-term comfort or protection from the dark ruminations of his mind. Without proper instruction, he couldn't hope to achieve the type of meditation that would allow him to forego sleep and the nightmares that accompanied it. Nor could he attain the sort of discipline necessary to prevent his mind from turning back to things he'd rather forget. He already knew Ching would have no part in helping him.
He toyed with the idea of asking Talan again, but remembering the fire that flashed through her eyes the last time he asked, it wasn’t really a likely possibility. Clark had never seen the preternaturally stoic commander so worked up over anything before. He'd watched her launch an assault on a rebel-held town without so much as a change in the tone of her voice or the expression on her face. Yet, when he'd asked her to help him block out a past he wanted to pretend had never happened, she'd emphatically denied him, the pitch of her voice raised in agitation, her hands trembling as she'd paced anxiously. She'd earnestly told him that she would not help him follow the path she'd taken.
He didn't doubt for a moment that she'd had no choice but to learn how to separate herself from the horrors of war in order to keep doing her job, so it seemed a bit odd to him that she didn't recognize the same need in him. It was in a voice straining to the breaking point that she'd urged him not to turn his back on what made him human. So did that mean that she believed that she'd rejected her own humanity? What had she given up in order to be able to do her job every day? What would he have to give up in order to live without the fears that haunted him? Could he simply excise the unwanted memories like a tumor, leaving the rest of himself intact? Talan seemed to believe he couldn't. So what would he be losing? If he were able to bury the anguish he'd suffered and pretend that that sort of pain never occurred, would he still be the same person? Would he still be able to be Superman? Would he still be someone Lois could love?
He wanted to believe that some things weren't going to change. After all, he'd been fine before being Nor's prisoner. It wasn't that sort of barbaric suffering that made him who he was. So why couldn't he go back to being the way he was before? An experience like that, however, was a heck of a bell to unring, he told himself ruefully. Even if he could forget the past, he couldn't change it.
All he wanted was to rest. He was so very tired. The fears that chased him had worn him out and he couldn't keep running any longer. He just wanted to make them go away.
********
“Mommy, up!” Jon exclaimed, his arms stretched up over his head before she’d even finished descending the steps. “Up!” had been his very first request and one he repeated often. Only too glad to oblige, Lois lifted him easily and carried him into the living room.
“Airplane?” she asked with a smile. A look of delight spread across his little face as he held his arms out like wings while his mother held him high overhead. He knew a few dozen words and of course one of them would have to do with flying. Her little boy amazed her. He disliked peas and loved peaches. He dragged his teddy bear, Binkie, around everywhere by the ear. He thought the bubble bath was the greatest thing ever invented and fell asleep more easily when she sang to him. Jon had his father’s big brown eyes and everyone told her that the tiny frown on his face when he concentrated was pure Lois Lane. When he laughed, she forgot what sadness felt like.
She smiled wistfully. It didn’t matter to him that she wasn’t always fast enough or strong enough. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t stop a war half a world away. It didn’t matter that she didn’t always manage to save everyone. That people still got hurt. In his eyes, there were no wrongs she couldn’t fix. No hurts she couldn’t soothe away. He was still giggling when she lowered him into her embrace.
“Can I have a kiss?” she asked. He complied enthusiastically, giving his mother a great big kiss on the cheek. “Oh, thank you, sweetheart,” she said as she held him close and inhaled deeply the scent of baby shampoo and powder. She closed her eyes and listened to the steady thump of his heart, a sound she knew better than that of her own heartbeat.
“I love you,” she whispered against the soft down of his hair.
********
Enza stopped outside the door to her quarters and turned back to look at Lok Sim. “Thank you again for staying with Thia,” she said. A last minute meeting had left her scrambling to find someone to watch her niece yet again. As he had in the past, Lok Sim had graciously volunteered. He assured her that he was happy to do it and Thia seemed to enjoy his company greatly.
The sergeant responded with a smile. “It was no trouble at all.”
She glanced down at her niece, holding tightly to her hand. “Did you behave yourself while I was working?”
The little girl nodded. “Can Lok Sim stay?” Thia asked in an eager whisper. “His stories are almost as good as Kal El’s.”
“He’s been telling you stories, has he?” Enza asked.
“We were reading the Seventeen Tribes while you were away. I hope you don’t mind,” Lok Sim explained somewhat hesitantly.
“Not at all,” Enza assured him. “And unless he’s busy, I don’t see why he can’t stay.” She opened the door to her quarters.
“Please read a story with me, Lok Sim,” Thia asked.
The towering sergeant smiled down at her. Despite his size, there was a natural gentleness in his demeanor and his movements that seemed to put everyone around him at ease. “Of course,” he replied. He stooped down to pick the little girl up, hoisting her into his arms easily. “Have we read about the lost tribe of the Northern Desert yet?” he asked as he carried her into the apartment.
Thia shook her head. “Not yet.”
“It’s one of my favorites,” he replied.
“How did they get lost?” Thia asked.
Lok Sim chuckled softly. “No one knows, but don’t worry they get found again.” Enza smiled to herself as she followed them into the apartment.
********
“Commander Daros, thank you for meeting with me,” Alon said as he entered the senior officer’s private conference room deep within Joint Command’s headquarters. The old councilor had nearly panicked when he’d heard that military was intercepting an enormous volume of encrypted communications traffic. Almost. Then he’d learned just exactly which general commanders were responsible for the decrypting of that information.
“Of course, Councilor,” Daros replied. He gestured to the chair across from his at the conference table. “What can I do for you?”
“I have heard our signals intelligence divisions have been quite busy,” Alon began. Off the commander’s arched eyebrow he continued. “I thought I would inquire of you as to what you believe the significance of the increase in communications traffic is.”
“The work of our signals intelligence divisions is highly sensitive tactical information,” Daros replied sternly.
Alon smiled patiently. “And I have every clearance imaginable. I was a member of the Oversight Committee on the Kryptonian Forces when you were still in grade school. Does the data you’ve gathered suggest a credible threat?”
The officer seemed both annoyed and mollified by the paternalistic response. “We have no reliable information yet.”
“Have you shared any of the information with other operations yet?”
Daros shook his head. “I felt it best to maintain control over the intelligence until I have a better understanding of its significance.” The senior officer was a small-minded bureaucrat, Alon thought to himself, regardless of his uniform and rank. All that concerned him was protecting his own turf from the encroachment of other equally power hungry commanders.
“I think that is a wise approach. There is no need to alarm anyone, especially not the First Ministers, at this point. We all know that Kal El, especially, has quite an overwhelming burden to shoulder as it is,” he said with a knowing smile.
“Is the First Minister doing well?” Daros inquired.
“He struggles heroically,” Alon replied. “But there is only so much one man should have to bear. When you have a better understanding of the threat, that is the time to bring it to his attention. For now, you are right that there is no reason to cause undue alarm. Until then, I imagine you have your top forces working to decrypt the communications?”
“Only my analysts in Joint Command have access to the information,” Daros replied confidently.
“Excellent, Commander. I am certain you and your soldiers will do an outstanding job.”
********
Talan reviewed the mission briefing and order of battle one final time even though she’d memorized them long ago. She folded up her field maps and tucked them away. Her equipment had been packed, her weapons cleaned, and every possible contingency reviewed. All that was left was to wait. She hung up her battle dress uniform, trying to remember when General Command had first issued the rust colored camouflage. It was at that point that the Forces of New Krypton were no longer seen principally as a comforting and visible presence. From that moment on, Command had accepted the fact that they were at war – that there was an enemy they had to outmaneuver and destroy.
From the very beginning, she’d been at the heart of the counter-offensive. But it was through the forces of chance, not design, that she found herself in the center of the greatest struggle her people had known in a generation. It had been a strange, unexpected journey that brought her to this point – about to launch the largest counter-offensive in centuries. She’d never wanted to be a warrior, but she’d come to believe that wants counted for precious little when your people were fighting for their very survival. All that mattered was what needed to be done.
Talan sat down on her bunk and looked around at the blank walls and empty spaces of her quarters. She’d never accumulated enough personal possessions to fill a senior officer’s quarters. Whatever she owned would probably still fit in a cadet’s duty locker at the Academy. Perhaps it was because she never stayed in one place long enough to acquire much of anything. Or perhaps it was because she viewed her quarters as nothing more than a place to meditate and occasionally sleep.
She couldn’t recall exactly when she’d stopped being anything other than a soldier. When everything else that had mattered to her suddenly didn’t anymore. Now, her only focus was the mission. Everything else was a distraction. She bore on her shoulders a tremendous burden and she could not afford to falter.
She lay down on the bunk and stared blankly at the ceiling above her, wondering if it was the nature of this mission that was leaving her feeling uneasy. Nor had to be stopped; it wasn’t a subject for debate. Yet she could not be sure if her zeal was motivated only by the knowledge of the threat he posed, or if her own hatred of him had seeped into her decisions. It wasn’t merely that she held him in total and utter contempt for the threat he posed. She personally and thoroughly wanted him dead. Preferably by her own hand. It was a thought that shocked her conscience. She’d never before felt such poisonous hatred toward anyone. Her only motivation in combat had always been protecting the innocent. Punishing the wicked was a job for the courts, not her. Always holding tightly to that distinction, she’d learned to come to terms with the nature of her job. It was violent and brutal and it ate away at her soul a little every day, but she clung to the knowledge of what kept her from becoming a monster. There was a dark line she would never cross and she lived her life with one eye constantly on that line.
She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply, thinking of the soldiers in the barracks around the camp. They were nervous and afraid and they had every right to be. They were also young and not fully aware of how deeply this war was tainting their lives. But they were courageous, too. They fought for one another as much as anything else. She hoped those bonds forged over months and years of hardship would keep them alive, but there was no doubt in her mind that they would sustain casualties, probably heavy ones at that. Sending men and women to their deaths would always be the very worst part of her job. And it never seemed to get any easier.
********
