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Part 20/20
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Lois was fumbling for her keys to open the door, the tapes she had just retrieved from the laundry were tucked under chin, when a low voice from behind her asked, "Watching movies tonight?"
"Oh!" Startled, she dropped both the tapes and her keys. "You shouldn't come sneaking up behind me like that!" She bent to retrieve the tapes and her keys but he had beat her to them.
"I wasn't sneaking up on you. I just came up the stairs and here you were." He unlocked her door and moved back to let her enter before he followed her inside.
"Clark, why are you here? I mean, your parents came all this way to see you, shouldn't you be spending some time with them?" she asked, feeling flustered as she eyed the tapes. She was torn between happiness at seeing him and nervousness that he might think she was about to watch that tape again.
"Would you believe my mom kicked me out?"
"Really? Why?"
"She could tell I'd rather be here."
The wistful tone of his voice brought her attention to his face. It was such a relief to see him, whole and walking around, and she admonished herself for acting less than happy to see him. "How are you doing?" she asked.
"Better. What about you?" He could see the worry and sleeplessness of the last couple of weeks etched into her features. Suddenly he wanted nothing more in the world than to just hold her. He wanted to cradle her in his arms and never let her go. She'd never go for it, he told himself. She was too… Lois… to ever stay in one place that long.
"Oh." She shrugged and eyed the tapes again. "You know, I'm okay, I, uh, I guess."
"You look tired."
"Some of us haven't spent the past few days catching up on their beauty sleep…" Lois stopped short, horrified that she had just said those words. "I'm sorry, Clark, that was mean."
"But accurate. It was mean of me to say you look like crap."
"You said I looked tired. You think I look like crap?" She wanted to glare at him but she couldn't work up enough indignation.
"You've looked better," he temporized.
"Is this part of some new campaign you're starting to always be truthful with me?"
"Sort of."
"I feel like crap," she admitted with a sigh and fought the urge to reach for the tapes. "What are you going to do with those?"
"These?" He lifted the tapes, holding them just out of her reach. Lois wasn't sure if he was doing it on purpose or not.
"Yes."
"What were you going to do with them?" he countered.
"I don't know," she said truthfully. "I guess we should probably destroy them, huh?"
Clark set them on her kitchen counter. "Your call."
Lois blinked as her mind raced. She wanted to get rid of every reminder of Bad Brain that she could, but… In her mind's eye she could see the gentle way his hands had touched her as they kissed. A flicker of his memory of that night played in her imagination. She saw herself, standing at her counter, as he moved across the room to join her. He hadn't walked over there to start anything, he had come to kiss her good-bye and go home so that she could get some sleep. Knowing that only increased her need to see that moment again, but this time she wanted to pay more attention to what had happened before their clothes started coming off. She wanted to see the way he had held her and whispered to her.
The words he said had been for her alone. Mike - and whoever else had watched the tape - had never known what had been said between them. And yet, for only having half of the truth, the camera had captured the one thing that had frightened her most about Clark. They belonged together. It was there in every soft touch, every unheard whisper and in the way their bodies had moved in synch.
"Do we have to decide this tonight?" She looked up at him, her mind swirling with memories of what was on that tape and him lying so still in that hospital bed.
"No." He shook his head slightly.
Lois looked at him thoughtfully, remembering what his mom had said about him feeling like he never fit in anywhere. Had he really stayed in Metropolis because of her?
"When did you know that you wanted to stay in Metropolis?" she asked, reaching out to take his hand.
"When you made it a challenge." His fingers tightened gently on hers.
"How did I make it a challenge?" She turned his hand over, smoothing her fingers over his palm as if she could read the answer there.
"I knew you were a challenge when Perry paired us up and you flounced ahead of me laying down the rules. And then you called me a hack from Nowheresville, told me you liked it on top, and that I was out of your league." He let out a laugh and shook his head. "I'd never met anyone so adorably egotistical."
"That's what you thought of me? That I was egotistical?" She dropped his hand, regretting that she had brought the subject up.
His expression softened and became distant. "And I liked watching you walk. There's just something about the sway of your hips when you walk that really does it for me."
She stared at him. "That was it? You stuck around because I insulted you and you liked the way I walk?"
Clark was pulled back to the present. "What did you want me to say?"
"What happened to 'you're everything to me'?"
"Lois, I had just met you. How was I to know that you'd be everything to me? You intrigued me. I was positive there was more to you than just attitude. And then, the more I got to know you, I..." He ducked his head and shrugged.
"You what?" she prompted.
"I never…" He tugged on her hand to pull her closer to him and brought his other hand to rest on her waist. "I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I met you. There was just something about you. I'd felt attracted to other women before, but what I felt for you, it was different. The more time I spent with you the more I realized that it wasn't just an attraction. It was like the emptiness inside me went away whenever you were there."
"That morning," she said haltingly, "that awful, ugly morning when I picked the fight with you over the toothbrush, I only did that because I was scared."
"I know."
"Afterwards I felt absolutely horrible. It's just, it scares me, Clark. The thought of letting someone that far into my heart scares me."
"I know."
"But you were already there. It was too late. I'd already let you in."
"I know."
"You know? Of course you know. You got those memories, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"What else? What else did you see or, um, or feel? Because some of the stuff I got from you was, well…" She blushed and glanced away. "It was pretty interesting."
"I got to experience morning sickness. That was interesting."
She looked up at him, her eyes beginning to sparkle in a tease. "That's not what I meant."
"I know." His hand lifted to tip her chin up. "I know you think I'm a good kisser."
Lois swayed forward, putting her hands on his chest to steady herself. "You spend far too much time thinking about kissing me."
"Yeah, I do." He tucked a length of hair behind her ear. "But not tonight."
"No?"
"What if I said that I just wanted to hold you?"
"I'd think you were reading my mind." She slid her arms around him and rested her cheek against his heartbeat. This was real, she told herself. He was really here holding her. He wasn't lying in that hospital bed anymore. Her arms tightened around him to reassure herself that he was real.
"This was all I ever wanted, Lois. Just to be near you. Just to hold you."
"Me, too," she whispered.
"I'm so sorry that I lied to you."
"It wasn't so much that you lied to me. It was why you put off telling me the truth that hurt the most. And you were right," she hurried to add when he opened his mouth to speak. "You were absolutely right. I would have been furious. I was furious. I never gave a single thought to how it must have felt to be you. Your mom said that when you found out how you came to them you started hiding yourself from the world. I know now that your need to hide is every bit as ingrained in your psyche as my need to be in control."
"Yeah," he agreed, pulling her closer and resting his chin on top of her head.
"I thought about that a lot, while you were in the hospital, how isolating and awful it must have been for you to grow up knowing that you were… you." She stopped, feeling flustered. "Wow, that sounded wrong. Please tell me you know what I meant by that."
"I do." He rocked them slowly, wanting to reassure her.
"I'm glad you're you, Clark. I've never felt this safe with anyone else. That's what got us into this mess." She tipped her head back to give him a rueful smile. "If I hadn't gone to you on the night of the asteroid…" She left the words hanging, unsure she wanted to complete that thought.
"Do you regret it, then?"
Did she regret it? What if she hadn't gone to him for comfort that night? They would still be nothing more than friends right now. She would still be in the dark about who Superman really was. She would still be denying the sense of peace that being held in his arms gave to her.
"I regret some of the things I said to you," she said slowly, "and I regret what happened to…" She swallowed hard and shook her head as she thought about the baby. "But what happened between us in bed? That I could never regret."
"I regret not telling you the truth sooner. And, most especially, I regret what I said to you on the ferry. I didn't mean it. I never thought it was your fault."
"But it was," she said softly, her eyes begin to water. "It was my fault. All of it. It was my idea. Us, sleeping together, that day in the supply closet, running into Bad Brain's trap…"
"Shhh." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "No, please, Lois, don't even think that. You couldn't have known what was going to happen. Are you telling me that if you had known, you still would have gone there that day?"
"I wouldn't," she sobbed quietly. "I wouldn't have gone. I never would have gone."
"Then stop blaming yourself. It's over, honey, we can't change it. All we can do is move on from here."
"What if I can't?" Her voice cracked as she put into words the emotions she had held in check for days. "I don't think I can do it. I'm not that strong."
"You are the strongest person I know. I wouldn't, Lois, I
couldn't be Superman without you. From the very beginning, if I hadn't had you to believe in me, I might have just given up. I wanted to help people, yes, but I also wanted to live up to who you thought I was."
She sobbed harder, her hand clutching and twisting his shirt. "Oh god, I don't think I can do this."
"Do what?"
"Be the reason you stay. Look at me! I've been terrible to you. I insulted you and ignored you and used you and…"
"But I stayed anyway." He met her eyes, his steady gaze reassuring her more than his words did. He cradled her face between his hands, his thumbs smoothing her tears away.
"Why?"
"Because I love you. Because I couldn't leave you if I tried." He leaned down, kissing away her tears before his lips moved to cover hers softly.
The kiss was soft, almost tentative, until Lois' hand rose to the back of his neck, pulling his lips more closely against her own. Her mouth opened beneath his as she tried without words to to tell him just how lost she had been without him.
She was still crying as they kissed and Clark gathered her closer to him, answering the desperation of her frantic mouth with softness. She was looking for forgetfulness, he realized. She had carried the burden of her grief and guilt for far too long. His heart ached for her and all that she had gone through. Clark tried to break the kiss but then she hooked one arm around the back of his neck and buried her other hand in his hair.
"Clark, Clark," she murmured over and over again against his mouth. It was only then that he realized that he was crying along with her, mourning their baby and what might have been. He moved to kiss her cheeks, his lips brushing away the tears that she was crying even as his own fell to replace them. She whispered his name with each tear he cleared away and he realized she was comforting him. She was healing him, pulling the broken, isolated pieces of him together with each utterance of his name.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered to her. "I'm so sorry for everything."
She hiccuped and hugged him fiercely. "Don't ever lie to me again."
"I won't. I promise. No more lies. But you have to make me a promise, too."
"What? You know I'll never tell anyone your secret. Not ever. They'd have to kill me first."
He flinched at the thought. "If it came to that, Lois, I'd much rather you told the whole world. And that's not what I was going to ask you."
"What then?"
"Promise me you won't push me away if you get scared. Tell me the truth and I'll give you all the space you need, but don't run away from me, okay?"
"Okay." She hiccuped again. "So those are the new rules? You'll be honest and I'll be trusting?"
"And we can leave the lights on," he added, kissing the top of her head affectionately.
"And it's not just sex," she whispered. "This means we're in a relationship."
"You know I always thought that, right?"
"Yeah. And I did, too, I just couldn't admit it."
"I know." Clark closed his eyes and rested his cheek against her hair. "Even before I got your memories, I knew that."
Lois let out a muffled moan against his shoulder as grateful sobs shook through her. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…" she said the words repeatedly, unsure that they could even begin to express the relief and the misery she felt.
"I know," Clark whispered over and over, crooning the words to her softly as he stroked her back. "I know."
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When he woke up they were lying on her bed and she was snuggled up against him. Her leg was thrown possessively across his and her hand was lying slack on his chest. He didn't move, not wanting to break the spell. After a few minutes her fingers flexed against his chest.
"Clark," she mumbled.
"Right here," he said, smoothing his hand over the back of her head.
"Honey?" Her sleep-slurred voice combined with the endearment to send a tingle through him.
"Yes?"
She giggled and lifted her head to grin at him. "No, I meant why did you call me 'honey'?"
"Oh," he said, feeling a little embarrassed. "I think you're sweet." Even to him, the words sounded lame.
Her grin widened. "Sweet? Me? Really?" she asked with just a hint of sarcasm.
"You don't like 'honey'?"
He half-expected that she would roll her eyes. Instead her expression softened and she softly admitted, "I kind of like the way it sounds when you say it."
"I could call you something else."
"Like what? Sweetheart? Darling?" She wrinkled her nose. "I can't see myself answering to any of those."
"How about 'my little brown-eyed jellybean'?"
She rewarded him with a laugh. "I don't think so." She rested her cheek against his chest again and poked his rib. "Call me 'honey' again."
Clark let out a laughing sigh and self-consciously said, "Honey."
"Hmmm," she giggled and the vibrations tickled him where her cheek was pressed against him. "Now say the jellybean one."
"No."
"No?" She lifted her head to look at him. "Why not?"
"I think you're mocking me."
Her eyes crinkled at the corners as her smile grew wider. "Maybe I am, just a little." She tried to look serious but her eyes were still sparkling. "Why? Are you going to tell me I don't know who I'm messing with?"
"Oh, that reminds me," his expression equally mischievous. "There's a rumor that you boffed Superman. Would you care to comment?"
"What happens between me and Superman is nobody's business but our own."
"So that a 'yes', you're sleeping with him?"
"No. I haven't slept with him. There's only one person I'm involved with and I've yet to see him show up in tights and a cape and make love to me."
"What if he did?"
"What if who did what?" she giggled, trying to confuse him.
"You're definitely mocking me," he chided her and rolled them so that she was beneath him.
"Oh," she said. "I can't, not yet, you have to let me up." He moved away from her immediately, worried he was pushing things too fast. Lois shook her head at him. "It's nothing like that. I have morning breath. And I got you something yesterday on my way home."
Clark grinned. "I've got something for you, too."
Lois giggled. "Not like that. You have the dirtiest mind." She slipped out of the bed. "Stay right there."
She disappeared into her bathroom. He could hear her brushing her teeth. Then she came racing into the bedroom, holding up one hand to caution him as she moved past him towards her front room. "Don't move yet."
Clark propped himself against the headboard of the bed and waited. A minute ticked by and he could hear her opening and shutting drawers in the kitchen. Then she came back, slightly out of breath, and held up a dark blue toothbrush still in its package. "Tada!" she sang out.
"Kinky," he said with a grin.
She rolled her eyes as he took the toothbrush from her. "I meant it to be a gesture of trust, you putz. You know, to show you how much you mean to me."
"I know," he said, setting the toothbrush on the nightstand and then beckoned to her. "I'm going to get one for you to keep at my place."
She gave him a delighted smile. "I was hoping you'd feel that way."
She crawled back onto the bed and knelt next to him. Her hand reached out to rest on his leg. "I still can hardly believe he was really you, all this time."
"Do you want me to put the suit on?"
"No, I have no idea how to get it off of you."
"That's easy. You say, 'Clark, I want to make love to you,' and I'll be out of the suit before you've even finished speaking."
She giggled and then said, "Clark, I want to make love to you."
"They're just jeans, Lois. I think you could get them off without my help."
She moved so that she was straddling him, letting her fingers brush enticingly along the waistband of his jeans. "I know I can get them off. And I will." She leaned forward and kissed him softly.
His hand rose and plunged into her hair, keeping her mouth where he could take a deeper taste of the minty toothpaste she had just used. His mouth moved to her ear and he raggedly whispered, "When?"
Lois, still dazed from their kiss, asked, "When what?"
"When are you going to take them off?" His teeth nipped her earlobe. "I'm dying here."
"Soon," she whispered, kissing along the line of his jaw as she worked her way back to his mouth. "Very, very soon."
His expression turned serious and he tipped his head back when she went to kiss his lips. "Lois, this isn't too soon for you, is it? After everything that's happened? You're sure you're okay?"
"I'm okay. I want this." She gave him a shy smile. "We'll just go slow."
"Mmmm. I can do slow."
"Oh, I know," she said against his lips. "Wow, do I know that." She settled her weight onto him, exerting what she knew was just the right amount of pressure against his groin.
"Oh god," he gulped, closing his eyes as he savored the feel of her body pressing on his.
"I know you like this. I know lots of things about you, Clark." She wiggled her hips, enjoying the power she held over him.
"Do you?" He put his hands on her hips, shifting her just a little… oh yeah, right there was perfect. "Have you been investigating me?"
"I talked to your mom."
He opened his eyes and grinned at her. "Did you ever consider that right now might not be the best time to bring up my mother?"
Lois ignored him, stroking her hands along his chest. "Tell me again why you stayed in Metropolis."
"I'm a huge Met Net fan."
She gave him a knowing grin. "No. It's because you need me," she teased, rocking her hips against his. "You need me baaaaad."
His eyes slipped closed and he let out a faint moan. "Lois," he breathed.
"I know," she whispered in his ear, feeling his body tremble as her breath caressed him. "I know what this feels like for you."
"Oh, I…" his words ended in a moan as he remembered the sensation of being her. "When I was you... It was…"
"Sexy?" she suggested.
"Weird. But it was a good weird."
"Yeah."
She held his gaze until it was too much for him and he had to close his eyes. "Do you know how much I love you?" His words were thick with need.
"Yes. But I don't mind hearing you say it."
"I love you." He opened his eyes. "I need you."
She leaned down and brushed a kiss across his lips. "I love you, Clark."
He smoothed his hands up her back, urging her to lie down on top of him and then closed his arms around her. "You are…" he started but couldn't find the words to tell her how he felt like he was anchored because of her. Just being with her had made him a part of everything else. When he was with her, he wasn't a stranger in this world. He belonged here - to this world and to her. He marveled that he had found her - the one person in the entire world who so exactly complemented and strengthened him. It was the thought that he might never have found her that made her so precious. It was frightening to think of a life without her.
"You are everything to me," he said hoarsely. "Everything."
"I know." She kissed him again, their tongues meeting and mating until they were both breathless. "Don't ever, ever leave me," she whispered, kissing his shoulder. "I need you just as much as you need me."
"I won't. I couldn't. I think I need you more." He took in an unsteady breath, trying to organize his thoughts. "Lois, you have given me something that no one else ever could. A sense of belonging. Someone to belong to. When I'm with you I'm not a freak or an oddity or an abandoned science project. I can just be me I can have..." He stopped speaking as he realized what he wanted to ask her. Wait, he told himself.
"You can have a home and a family of your own," she finished for him, remembering his amazement the night he had watched her sleeping on his couch.
"Only if that family includes you," he added softly. He nervously waited for her reaction.
"Me?" She raised her head to look at him, her eyes were wide with wonder. "Really?"
He smoothed her hair back. "There's no one else. There never can be. You've ruined me for anyone else."
"That's a little old-fashioned, isn't it?" she teased.
"Marry me, Lois," he said softly. "Make an honest man out of me."
She blinked, uncertain she had heard him right. A few seconds ticked by as she looked at him in astonishment. Then her eyes crinkled and she cleared her throat. "Will you promise to call me 'honey' if I say yes?"
He nodded. "Absolutely."
"It won't be easy, you know, making an honest man out of you. Especially since I'm going to insist that you lie to everyone about how you proposed to me."
He laughed. "I'll leave you in charge of making up stories from now on."
"You should. You're terrible at lying. Some of those stories were just… awful. I can't believe it never occurred to me to see what you were really up to all those times."
"I guess I just have an honest face."
"It wasn't your face, it was your mouth," she mused aloud and then blushed.
"I have an honest mouth?" He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to figure out what she meant by that statement. Then he remembered how she and Cat had watched him absent-mindedly chewing on his pencil in that long-ago staff meeting.
"I heard what Cat said about wishing you were that pencil."
She rolled her eyes. "I realize that
now. God, I'm glad I didn't know it at the time."
"Know what? That I heard you or that Superman was flirting with you?"
Her blush increased. "Both, I guess. Wait - you were flirting with me when you put the pencil back in your mouth?"
"Of course. What did you think I was doing?"
"I thought you were just trying to be annoying."
He laughed. "Lois, believe me, the last thing I ever want to do is annoy you. Well, most of the time anyway."
"There are times when you
do want to annoy me? Like when?"
"Like when you sit on my desk in a short skirt and thigh-highs and pretend not to notice that you're turning me on."
She grinned. "
You were the one pretending that day. I was half-frantic, thinking you didn't want me."
"Lois, for future reference, I always want you."
"Remember how you told me all the places in your apartment where you wanted to make love to me?"
"Yeah, but you do realize my parents are still there?"
"No!" She smacked his chest and giggled. "Not right now. I was just wondering if my tub could be substituted for your shower?"
He lifted an eyebrow and pretended to consider the matter. "Are you going to light candles and insist on my being romantic?"
"Would that annoy you?" she asked coyly.
"It might."
"Good - I know you secretly like it when I'm egotistical and annoying. Now you just lie there like a good boy and watch me walk away."
She pushed off of him and started towards the bathroom, looking back over her shoulder to ensure that he was still lying there. He had propped himself up onto his elbow and was watching her with a feral gleam in his eye. She gave him a delighted grin and went to push the door open only to find warm flesh beneath her palm.
She looked up at him and shook her head. "You're cheating."
"You never made a rule I couldn't use superpowers." When she opened her mouth to speak he put a finger over her lips. "And, if I were you, I wouldn't make that rule."
She kissed his finger and then moved his hand away. "I wasn't about to make that rule. In fact, I want a rule stating that I'm allowed to proposition Superman from time to time."
"Are you going to offer him no-strings-attached sex?"
"Do you think he'll go for it?"
Clark smiled and shook his head. "No. He's going to insist on marrying you first."
She wrinkled her nose. "Then I guess I'm stuck with you in the meantime."
"Guess so."
She nudged him backwards into her bathroom. "C'mon then, Clark, show me just how dirty getting clean can be."
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End 20/20
I started this story on June 28 and finished it on October 15. During the course of writing the story I painted my sister's apartment but only got one test patch in the corner of my own bedroom completed. I helped her move all her earthly possessions but let my son get away with not cleaning his room for over three months straight. I ignored laundry and housework until it reached the point that my son stood in my doorway and plaintively said, "Mom, I'm out of underwear."
Hasini gave me the idea in the first place. I didn't think I had any stories left in me, but her post on the nfic boards for a story idea intrigued me. Since I consider this just as much her story as mine, I sent her a rough draft of the first part. She wrote back and really cracked the whip. It was a massive rewrite and I questioned why I even started the damn thing. Now I must bow and pay homage to her and her vision of the characters. She was totally, completely, absolutely right. The story is so much better because she was brutally tactful. And then, during part four (and just as I thought things were starting to get interesting) she went on a trip halfway around the world and we lost touch. She has since written to explain where she went and why. Hasini - you know I will always love you! All of this *never* would have happened without you.
I also need to thank DJ, who went on vacation and did beta at the same time. Thank you, DJ, for always, always, always nudging me along and for pestering me for sneak peeks. Thank you for the repeated readings of various parts. I think you could probably recite half the story, you read it so many times. It was your enthusiastic response each time I felt unmotivated that got me working again.
Along the way I picked up three new betas, and they all contributed greatly to the making of this story. Julia was tough to please and there were a couple of times I wanted to cry when she would send a part back with a kindly worded "ummmmm". I can think of a couple of directions that she saved me from wandering into. Julia also did beta from her tropical vacation - which cracked me up. Thanks for making me feel irresistible!
alcyone, on the other hand, inspired me to really get dark and dirty with it. I can't begin to express how grateful I am for the direction that she gave the story. She came along just as it got angsty and I never could have been "evil" without her. She's working on a story of her own (still untitled) and I can scarcely wait for everyone to read it. I'll never write another A-plot after she posts.
Andreia bravely stepped in to let me know how the story came across to a non-native English speaker and I thank her for that. I especially have to thank her for the memories - she saved an entire part by telling me to back it up and remember what the hell had happened and why it mattered. She also did an amazing job of reminding me of Clark's true motivations.
As always I give thanks, praise and a chocolate-coated Clark to my crack dealer, Sara, who never fails to make me laugh until I cry at her snarky and insightful betas. Half the time I'm only writing to see what she says. Sara was my first beta in this fandom and it was through her patience and guidance that I ever found my voice. I would have quit writing after my first story if she hadn't been so enthusiastic. Or, at least, her emails sounded enthusiastic…
So thanks for reading! Hey, if you made it this far, think about the four months I gave to writing the story. Wouldn't a few minutes to send me a little bit of feedback seem like a fair trade? It sure would to me - sister_suze@yahoo.com
