There was an awkward silence, during which time she couldn’t meet his eyes. Her face felt burning hot and she was sure she was flushing red. I can’t believe I said that. Now what do I do? What does he think? Does he think I want – I want a real date? I don’t – I might never –I’m not ready for that. How do I get out of this?
“Coffee – the – the least I could do – after you came here to help… hold on – please – I’ll go - ”
Before he could say anything, she rushed to the kitchen, and he heard her clattering around. Moments later, he heard the sound of breaking glass, and he rushed heedlessly into the kitchen to see if she was okay. Out of concern for her safety, he moved super-fast, and seemed to suddenly appear before her eyes.
She took a startled step back away from him stared at him, her eyes wide and frightened. He could see that she was visibly shaking.
“Are – are you okay – what happened?”
“I – I dropped a mug… - into the sink – but – but it’s okay – no – not a big mess. I’m sorry – I’m clumsy – I – I know - ” She sounded frightened – as if she was trying to placate him somehow.
Move carefully here. Don’t scare her. “Hey,” he said lightly “It’s your mug, okay – so – no need to apologize to me.” He smiled. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
She looked down, her mind raging. Memories from the other world kept running through her head, and Clark, despite looking human in his casual clothes, looked very much like Kal to her at that moment. Worse, Luthor’s words kept ringing in her ears – especially his despicable suggestions about her secret fantasies about Clark.
“Lois?”
“I’m sorry. I’m – I – I don’t know – I don’t know – what… “ Her voice broke, and she stopped, talking. She looked away from him to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes. Damn. I’m such a mess.
He looked at her hands and saw that they were shaking violently. She was holding the glass coffee machine container. She’s going to drop that. Without really thinking about what he was doing, he reached over
and gripped the container. His hand brushed against hers, and she looked at him startled.
“I’m sorry. Lois – I – can I take this for you, please? So it doesn’t drop?”
Mutely she nodded, and released her grip on it. He moved it to the counter, looking at her carefully, trying not to startle her further.
“Lois.” He took a deep breath, and then, as if making a sudden resolve, he repeated her name. “Please… look at me?” It was meant as a request, but his words were nearly identical to Kal’s on more than one occasion. Look at me.
Don’t make him angry. Immediately, she looked up at him fearfully, confused by the rapidly firing memories.
“I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to frighten you,” he said carefully. “I – it seems like you’re … having some bad flashbacks… and I seem to be making it worse.”
“No – no – “ Her protests were feeble.
“Still… I have to say this – and I don’t – I don’t want to make things worse… but you need to know… I didn’t – didn’t think you meant date just now. I – I would never assume that, you know? I would never assume that you meant you wanted… anything more than this… this friendship that we have. You don’t have to be afraid of my ever getting the wrong idea – or – of … acting in a way that – that – horrifies you… because of a misunderstanding. It – it will never happen. I know that there’s no chance of anything like that between us, and I’m not – I won’t ever… make an unwanted move.”
Tears pricked again at her eyes, at his words. I’m hurting him. And he’s giving up on me..
“I – I know- I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this garbage – you – “
“It’s okay. I’m really okay with the way things are. The fact that they will always be – that we will always just be friends. I’m okay with that.”
“What if – what if … “ What if someday I change my mind? How will you know? Will you keep acting like this? Responding in a platonic way? What if I want more from you? Won’t you know? Won’t you know to act? To react? What if I can’t make that first move? What if I need help?
“What if, what if what?”
She shook her head rapidly. “Nothing. Nothing.”
He stared at her for a long moment. Could she have meant…. no… no – no she couldn’t have – especially not now – not after what happened, and how she reacted, not now… not ever. She was probably playing out different scenarios of possible misunderstanding. I should make it clear to her – I won’t ever cross that line.
“Lois – no matter what – you have nothing to fear from me. I will NEVER make any kind of … pass… at you. I promise. Nothing of the kind.”
She looked at him for a long moment and then nodded slowly. “I trust you. Strange as it sounds, in relationship to the way I sometimes act… I do trust you.” This isn’t what I want either.
“Good – because… “ Suddenly he looked distracted for a moment, and then gave her back his full and anxious attention.
“I have to go. There’s a call for help! Is it okay if I – “
“Go ahead – really – it’s okay!”
He spun into Superman, and apologized for doing so.
“It’s really okay –go – someone needs you.” Other than me. I need you. I really do. Don’t give up on me.
As soon as he left, she called Lana, hoping desperately that she was at home and available to meet. Thirty minutes later, she was letting Lana into her apartment.
“I’m so glad you came!” She hugged the other woman. Normally, it made her uncomfortable to be physically close to others, but she was able to hug those she really cared about. She had learned to derive strength and comfort from that contact.
“Hey – that’s what friends are for,” Lana said lightly, picking up on the other woman’s tension.
“I’ve had a rough day. Oh –what an understatement. But first – let me make some coffee.”
Ten minutes later, she handed Lana a cup of coffee, “Just as you like it!”
“So what did you mean by ‘what if’?”
“Oh – I don’t know,” she expelled her breath in frustration. “I just don’t know. I feel so mixed up all the time.”
“Did you mean: What if I change my mind? Or how about ‘What if I want you to make a pass at me’?”
“Lana, haven’t we been over this? You aren’t my type.”
“Okay - okay. All silliness aside, please. I think you’re still wrestling with the fear of ‘What if’. It’s no longer ‘What if he’s evil’ and ‘What if he hurts me’, it’s ‘What if he goes away?’ ‘What if he isn’t available when I need him to be’.”
“Yeah. It goes back to the whole idea that we’re meant for each other.”
“But really – you don’t absolutely know that.”
“Lana. What do you think? Honestly. Based on all that you know about him, about her. What is your honest assessment of the situation, and don’t give me any psychologist double-speak. What do you really think?”
Lana looked at her intently for a few moments as if engaging in some inner argument.
“Lois. Frankly. Honestly. I do think you two were supposed to be together. I really really do.”
“Then you see that I have to do something. Things can’t just happen, I have to…”
“What? Get a lobotomy? Lois – how can you just alter who you are today – you can’t? You are what you are, and what experience has made you. You are working at overcoming your demons in a healthy way, but what more do you think you should do?”
“I… I think I should tell him. I should tell him about my … feelings that maybe he’s supposed to be the one – and that – while I can’t offer him anything today – maybe he could wait until I could offer him something… his choice, of course. You’re going to tell me that’s a bad idea. That I’ll be setting myself up for guilt about making him wait for me to be amenable to something other than what we now have and that this guilt will drive me the way my fear of losing him is driving me currently.”
“Yes. I do think that will happen. But… but maybe he can work with you in dispelling that guilt – making you feel like it’s okay that things are how they are. If anyone can, it’s him.”
“So – are you saying … I should do it? You’re supporting this decision? I thought you’d talk me out of it.”
“Do you want me to talk you out of it? I’m torn – I don’t want to influence your behavior unduly, but at the same time, knowing both of you as I do, I think it’s a workable idea.”
“So assuming I do have the courage to admit to him that there’s a possibility of something more, way down the line… what if he’s not even interested? Maybe he really just loves her.”
“Oh Lois,” groaned Lana “One what-if at a time.”
“Sorry. I’m just a tad neurotic, as you can see.”
“We all are. We all fear rejection. It’s normal. For what it’s worth, I have a strong impression that he does have feelings for you.”
“Did he ever say anything?”’
“He… he might have,” she smiled mysteriously. “But it’s not for me to reveal to you conversations I’ve had with him – just like I can’t tell him what you and I talk about. It’s not patient/doctor crap – it’s friendship stuff. You wouldn’t want me to reveal his secrets without his express consent, right?”
“No – no, of course not. But your answer is encouraging … and frightening. Oh god –very frightening.”
“Okay then. Just take a few deep breaths, and remember –he’s not the kind of guy to ever act on those feelings without you basically tattooing the message of consent onto your forehead. My god – what is it? Did – did I say something – “ She stopped talking as she noticed that Lois had suddenly gone pale.
“No – no… it’s just that… “ she shook her head, trying to shake the memories out of her head. “It’s nothing. Really. That … imagery just reminded me of something … pretty bad – from that other world.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lana’s voice was gentle and reassuring.
“Well – I’m – I’m not sure.”
“Okay – okay. It’s entirely up to you, you know.”
She paused a few moments, thinking it over in her mind. Should I tell her about it? I don’t want to even think about it. But isn’t it all about letting go of the fear of the memories? Shouldn’t I talk about it, share
it, so it’s less burdensome?
“Kal … branded me… my first day of captivity.”
Lana was dumbfounded, and she just looked at Lois with growing horror.
“Hey – next time I want you to stop talking, I’ll just talk about – “
“Lois, I’m sorry. I … I just – it’s so awful. So awful. A brand? Like with a branding … iron?”
“Heat vision,” she whispered back the answer.
“Oh god. Oh GOD. Does Clark know? “
“No And I don’t want him to – “
“Relax – please – I promise not to ever talk to him about what we talk about here, remember?”
She smiled feebly. “Yeah – I know. Okay. He used his heat vision and he… burned a symbol into my back. It’s… uh – it’s small, and it’s high on my back, my shoulder, actually. Marking me as… his property.”
“That must have been an intensely painful experience.”
“Major understatement. I’ll show you the mark sometime, when I’m feeling a bit braver, but right now – it was all I could do to even talk about it.”
“Oh – totally understandable.”
“So back to this Clark thing… I think I’ll feel better if I just let him know…”
“So let him know what?”
“Oh god. I just don’t know. I don’t know what I feel.”
“I think you feel like if you don’t rush yourself through your healing process, you’ll lose him. So you’re trying so hard to be … to not be afraid of him, and what being with him entails, that you’re torturing yourself.”
“That’s it. In a nutshell.”
“Are you so sure, then, that you’ll be ready… ready to come right out and tell him this? Are you sure you’ll ever be ready to take this to another level? A sexual level?” Lana asked her softly?
She shuddered involuntarily. “No. No – that’s the hard part. I’m not sure – I’m not sure at all. How – how could I get pat the Kal experiences? Even if I could be with a man, wouldn’t … wouldn’t the physical similarities between them make it impossible? Plus – he is a Kryptonian – and – he has those powers…. I don’t know – I – “
“Are you afraid that even if you could get past the associations, you would … still get … hurt… because of his powers? Forgive me for being indelicate, but the fact that you’re still here, alive, well, and not seriously maimed in any way, indicates… that… “
“I know –I know… I guess…. When Kryptonians are … sexual… they use mental… they get in your head. And…”
“You think he might do that to you?”
She shook her head harshly. “This is a bad conversation to be having.”
“I think it’s a good one. That you can even have it means that you’ve come so far! Think about it for a moment. You are contemplating something that even six months ago would have been unspeakable to you.”
“So maybe in five years I’ll be able to hold his hand.” She said bitterly.
“Okay… I know – you’re frustrated by what you perceived to be your lack of progress. But from an outside perspective, I think you’ve come a long way.
“Thanks. I guess – I need to be a bit less harsh on myself.”
“You need to be what you need to be. Don’t stress over it.”
“Okay.”
“So… I have a really important question to ask you.”
“Yes?”
“What are you wearing on Saturday?” She grinned at her mischievously
“Okay – so now we have a whole new conundrum.”
“Oh – I was trying to be… “
“I know – I know – but – I just don’t know. I want to look good, but…”
“But what…”
“I’m so… “
“Scared? You want to look good, but you’re afraid to look good, and all that it might entail?”
“Skinny, I was going to say.”
“Skinny?”
“I’ve lost… my curves. I’m too gaunt. The fact is… I don’t look good in any of my dresses.”
“Nonsense. You look wonderful. Yes, a few pounds – that might be good for you – but – you look great.”
“Nothing like Carissa.”
“Screw Carissa. You looked great. Women all over the country would kill to look like you. “
“Can – will you go shopping with me? Help me find something good?”
“The press will have a field day, seeing us out and about together.”
“I think it’ll be a good exercise in standing up for myself and telling people to back off.”
“There is that. Okay – shopping it is! The best form of therapy that I know.”
Lois laughed. Lana was a fun friend to have.
Later that night, she lay in bed, a thousand thoughts firing her synapses. She was unable to fall asleep. She was nervous now that she had established a course of action for herself and kept tormenting herself with the possible outcomes of her action.
What if he laughs at me? Or what if he delicately explains to me that he doesn’t think of me in that way - that I’m like a sister to him? What if he starts avoiding me? What if… what if he thinks I’m ready now, and makes a move? What if he kisses me? What if he never kisses me? What if he starts trying to push for more in a couple of months time – just how patient is he? If it were Lex, he would definitely have an expiration date on his ability to wait for the time to be right. He would push the point … physically… heck, he already has, and I never even hinted that I might be interested in him. What am I going to do? Because if I do nothing, Carissa’s going to get him. Or some other bimbo will. No. I can’t let that happen.
She slipped into a fitful sleep, and after a while, begin to have equally fitful dreams.
She heard a knocking on her window, and saw him hovering there. As she had done many times before, she moved over and unlocked the door.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you… is anything wrong?” She felt nervous and uncertain. He seemed on edge somehow, and it made her feel ill at ease.
“Yes. Everything is wrong.” His voice was urgent and intense. “I can’t take this… I’m sorry. I just can’t take this anymore. You told me a year ago that you might have feelings for me, but in that year nothing has
changed. We’re still exactly the same as we were. I can’t take it, Lois. I have feelings too. I have … well – I have needs.”
“I – I ‘m sorry – I’m sorry,” she gasped in shock. “I had no idea – no idea that you felt this way – and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to – I’m trying. I’m trying really hard.”
“It’s not good enough, Lois. Something has to change. Something has to change now.”
She turned away in agitation. “You want to … you want to be released from our… arrangement. I don’t blame you – I can’t… I can’t justify asking you to hold off on getting involved if I can’t… I know… “
“No. That’s [i]not what I want.. I want you.”
Fear gripped her hard. Slowly she turned to meet his gaze, and she flinched at the pure and obvious desire in his eyes.
“Clark… no… No! I – I’m not ready, and I – I – I can’t – “
”Relax,” he said with silky persuasiveness. “You don’t know what you can or can’t do, because you haven’t even tried. It’s okay – I think that the mistake we’ve been making has been in waiting for you to feel like you can make that first move.”
He stepped in close to her, and she took a startled step backwards.
“Don’t do that,” he said. It sounded very much like a command. She could see the desire in his eyes, alongside something else. An unwavering determination to get his way.
She shook her head, fearing his gaze. “Please – please – stop this – you’re – the way you’re acting… it’s –“
“Scaring you,” he mocked? “That’s an old song. I know that I scare you on occasion. That’s the problem. And I think the solution is that I need to make the first move. Make it for you, because clearly you can’t do it. I have to push you past your limits a little bit. You’ll be glad that I did, in the end.”
“No – no – this isn’t what I want – I don’t – “
“This isn’t about what you want..” He said angrily. “It’s been about what you’ve wanted since you got back. What about me? What about what I want? Right now – I’ve decided that sometimes it has to be about what I want. What I need!”
His anger and impatience were confusing and frightening her, and she stepped backwards again, trying to put more space between them.
“I said don’t do that,” he reminded her through clenched teeth. He gripped her arms, causing her to gasp out in shock.
“No, no – no – let’s just… if you can’t… can’t stand the way things are… lets just… we don’t have to – you can see others –it’s okay. I – I’m sorry I ever…”
“It’s too late for that,” he said rigidly. There was a dangerous and domineering edge to his voice. “I’ve waited for you, and I’m not … giving up… not without some kind of concession.”
“What’s wrong with you,” she asked frantically, trying to free herself from his grip?
He tightened his hold. “Don’t make this harder on yourself,” he said harshly. “I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being patient and understanding. Sometimes you just have to take what you want. Balance
need against need. I’ve decided that in this case, my needs matter more.”
“Don’t – I can’t!”
“It’s okay.” His voice was suddenly soothing. “I just want to kiss you. It’s been a year since you told me you wanted me to wait for you. I think it’s time we at least got past this hurdle. I’m just going to kiss you, and then we can take it from there.”
“No!” She started twisting frantically, trying to free her arms. “Please let go of me – you’re hurting me – you really are!”
“Then stop struggling. You know, I think this is the only way to get through to you. You got so used to it in the other world…” His voice was rough and angry, and he pulled her closer towards him, and kissed her hard. She felt her teeth cut into her lower lip and tasted her blood – just like before.
[/i]
He heard her crying out, and he rushed to her apartment to see what was happening. Upon his arrival, he did a quick scan to see what the situation was, and saw that she was having a nightmare.
He was torn. Last time she had a really bad nightmare – so bad that it summoned him to her side – he went into her mind. That didn’t seem a good option at this time, so he was instead, torn by warring options: Stay and wake her up, or just leave, and try to ignore the sound of her distress. What if her distress becomes real – if Lex comes in and attacks or abducts her – and I ignore it – what then? I’d have failed her. So what do I do? Stay out here until it’s over? Wake her up?
He felt incredibly uncomfortable at the idea of hanging around, spying on her, while she had this awful dream. It seemed that the best option was to go in and wake her up, and yet, how to do that without making things bad for her.
“Clark, No!”
He felt suddenly startled. He heard her calling out his name. What is she dreaming about? Is she dreaming I’m in danger? Is she dreaming of Lex?
“Clark, No! Please – no – please – stop!”
He froze. No. Please don’t let her be dreaming that I’m hurting her. Where would that come from? Why would she be having such a dream? I’ve never… or maybe it’s Lex – those awful insinuations of his, maybe they set her up for this nightmare. Even more reason to loathe the bastard. What if this affects our friendship? Takes us back to square one?
“No – no! You’re hurting me – let go. Please. I’m sorry – Clark!”
I can’t listen to this anymore! Selfishly he decided he had to wake her up. This dream was just awful, and it was tormenting them both. She’s better off awake. This must be an awful place in her mind. She must feel so betrayed.
He flew over to her balcony and noted that it was unlocked. Yikes. Although this is helpful to my purpose, it’s not exactly a good idea, given Luthor and his parting threat. He flew into her apartment and went into her bedroom. As soon as he got in, he realized how intimidating it would seem for her to see him there. It can’t be helped. She’s better off awake. Or am I better off if she’s awake? Seems I’m doing this for my own selfish reasons. If I really care about her, I should let her get through this undisturbed, just stay and make sure she’s okay, and then leave before she finds me here. Because waking up suddenly and finding me so close to her like this, in her bedroom is bound to be further fodder for nightmares.
As he stood there, battling with himself as to the proper course of action, she suddenly woke up, and gasped out loud at the sight of a strange person in her bedroom.
“Who – who’s there?” she called out, her voice shaking. “I – I have a gun!”
“Um. It’s just me, Lois – it’s Clark – I – you were having a nightmare, you were calling out for help, and I just flew over to see if you were in danger. I came in here because, I thought I should wake you… so that I wouldn’t mistake a real call for help with a dream.” He rushed through his explanation, feeling guilty for being there at all.
He saw her frantically swing her legs out of bed, and stand up. She staggered uncertainly for a moment, and he had to resist a very powerful urge to go offer her assistance. She looks so small. So vulnerable. And really cute in those pajamas. I must look imposing to her – sucking up all the space in this small room.
“I see that you’re awake, and so I’ll leave. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. “
She didn’t know what to say. Seeing him there, he seemed menacing to her in the dark. All she could see was the dark shadow of his body – the outline of his muscles. He seemed dangerous. His voice and manner were reassuring – but her brain was still being bombarded with the images from that terrible nightmare. She felt like she couldn’t even get a single word out that would make sense. Try. You have to try. Say something.
“Thank you,” she whispered. That’s better than nothing.
“It’s okay.”
His voice evoked imagery from her nightmare. She squeezed her eyes shut.
It’s okay. I just want to kiss you. You’ll be glad I did, in the end. Don’t do that. I’m tired of being patient.
She drew in her breath sharply. It seemed so real, like she was living the moment. All the while, he hadn’t moved an inch. She finally took note of his actual body language and noticed that he seemed very tense and nervous. A horrible thought struck her.
Oh god. Did he get into my head again? He seems so – he seems kind of upset - he wants to get out of here. He’s very uncomfortable. Did – does he know what I dreamt? Does he know? Did he go into my mind again? And if he did – how do I ask him? How do I get the nerve to ask?
He had hesitated briefly at her fear-based reaction, and then, realizing that he could only be doing more harm than good, turned to leave the room.
“Clark…?”
He turned. “Yes?”
“Uh… Uh… “ Now that he was once more looking directly at her, she found herself completely unable to voice her question out loud. “Um. Fly… fly safely.”
He smiled briefly at that. “I will. Thanks.”
“Oh – and… I’ll – I’ll see you Saturday night. I – I’m looking forward to it.”
This earned her a bigger smile- one that actually reached his eyes. “Me too, Lois. I’ll see you then. Still here? Do – do you still want me to – “
“Yes! Oh – yes! Please!”
She wants to see me here first! She’s excited to see me!! But quickly, his elation faded. She’s just eager to avoid a panic attack at the Whites. She’s not eager to see me. She’s terrified to see me. And she always will be.
She saw the rapid change of emotions on his face, and was left once more with the uneasy feeling that he knew exactly what had transpired in her dreams. But she was unable to ask – it was too raw, too painful, and she was still feeling that horrible sense of menace from her nightmare.
As soon as he flew off, she glanced at the phone. It was 10:00 p.m. She had been asleep exactly 45 minutes. Was it too late to call Lana? She took a chance, and gave her a call.
“Lana, is this a bad time?”
“Why don’t you tell me? What’s up? You never call this late.”
“I’m sorry – really – I didn’t want to disturb you – “
“Obviously you’re upset about something, Do you feel comfortable talking over the phone?”
“I had a nightmare.”
She related her nightmare as quickly as she could and then asked Lana for her opinion.
“Well. There are a number of different interpretations. One is that you put yourself in the role of Clark. You’ve been pressuring yourself a lot, so you might have been venting your own frustrations at yourself in your dream. The other is that you were bothered by your Luthor encounter – and you mixed the two men up in your mind. And yet another is that you are genuinely worried that Clark might act this way if being together doesn’t yield the benefits you think he’d be expecting. Does this make sense to you at all?”
“Yeah,” she said glumly.
“I think it’s in large part the first. You keep thinking that you have to act a certain way. You feel frustrated with your own perceived lack of progress. And as a result, you end up feeling pressure. As for the middle – Luthor’s visit was traumatizing and he said some awful and ugly things. Things that made you, perhaps, question your own feelings about what happened. It’s not unusual for victims of violent crime to blame themselves. You may have feelings of guilt that you didn’t succeed in escaping. Finally – I’m sure there’s a tiny bit of fear of making any kind of commitment to Clark. Of somehow pushing him over an edge at some point. But for what it’s worth… Clark would never behave that way. As your mutual friend, I can assure you of that.”
“He never… ever… pressured you? You dated in high school, right? Even then – when he was a teenager, and – “
“Never. Not even once. If pressuring were going to happen, it would have gone in the other direction.”
“I’m sorry to get so personal – but it’s good to know.”
“No need to apologize.”
“So what should I do?”
“Just – be easy on yourself here...don’t set yourself up with expectations. Easier said than done, but you have enough on your plate without adding your own subconscious pressuring you into things you aren’t ready for.”
“Okay… I’ll try.”
“So – did you pick which of the dresses we bought for Saturday?”
“The black one I think. A standard. Basic black.”
“It looks fantastic on you.”
“Thanks,” her voice was dubious.
‘So much so, that I almost hate you again.”
“Now you’re just trying to make me laugh.”
“What about the other two you bought? You have another choice to make.”
“What do you mean?”
“My wedding. You’re invited. I’m not planning on having a bridal party, but I want you there as my special guest.”
“Oh Lana. I’d be honored to come.”
“Clark’s coming too. It’ll be field day for your guild.”
“Just don’t let Cat Grant anywhere near your wedding.”
“I’m almost positive I’ll end up in her column. We all will.“
“She’s not supposed to dish it up on her coworkers…”
“Will that stop her?”
“Unlikely. Not in this case.”
“So screw her. Will you come?”
“Absolutely”
“Good,” she laughed impishly. “Maybe you and Clark could come together… give you a ‘safe’ way of going out on a date… without his really knowing it’s a date.”
Lois felt a clenching sensation in her heart as the same thought occurred to her.
“Maybe we will. Just maybe. I just don’t know.”
[tbc]
