Rac, it's vey interesting to see Lois at her new appointment with Dr. Friskin:
"Look, my problems don't stem from childhood trauma or being potty trained too early. I spend every day trying to stop a genocide; it's frustrating, heart breaking, soul crushing work and I want to keep my family separate from that."
I like Lois's - and your - drastic way of putting her problems.
"Uh, Ultrawoman?" Dr. Friskin began.
"What? What is it?" Lois said, glancing over…three feet above her therapist's head.
"You're floating."
But, indeed, the stress
is getting to her. That was embarrassing for her. She is trying to put up a brave front before her psychiatrist - she is trying to discuss her problems, which
are her personal problems even though they stem from her attempts to stop a genocide - and she is trying to discuss them without becoming personal. That's hard. She may have to trust Dr. Friskin more than she does, perhaps to the point of trusting the psychiatrist with her secret identity.
"She is flesh and bone and she will bleed," Nor seethed. "I'm tired of running from her. I'm tired of fleeing in the middle of the night from one underground dungeon to the next. I will find her. I will capture her. And I will watch her bleed."
********
Talan sat on her bed in the dark, still wearing her mud and blood spattered uniform. She leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, and stared unblinking at nothing at all. A trembling hand dragged itself through her hair. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so utterly reckless and irrational?
It was hate.
This is very effective - you show us Nor's hate of Talan and then Talan's hate of Nor. But the reactions of these two people to their own hatred are very different. Nor would never question the wisdom or justification of his his own hatred. But for Talan, discovering hate in herself is a major trauma, a major identity crisis, a major questioning of the ideals that drive her and the goals she is trying to achieve.
Her pure, unleavened hatred of Nor had led her here. To this place of darkness and disorder. She shuddered as she exhaled. She didn't want justice. She wanted revenge. Talan wanted to punish Nor personally for everything he'd taken from her people.
For everything Nor taken from him.
This is so poignant. Talan used to be the ice maiden, burning with ice cold fire and an overwhelming but sort of impersonal need to fight for justice. Now, though, she is a young woman in love, a young woman who needs to punish the epitome of evil for the horrible things he has done to her loved one.
She wanted Nor to suffer, the way he'd made Kal El suffer. She wanted to believe that if Nor were dead, perhaps it would buy the First Minister some peace of mind. If she killed Nor, the rebellion would collapse, the threat to her people would evaporate, and perhaps, just perhaps, Kal El's nightmares would end. Perhaps the haunted look in his eyes would disappear. Perhaps he'd find a way to conquer the anger and confusion that wracked his troubled mind.
Yes... gone are the days when Talan could view justice as a sort of abstract concept.
But she realized, dimly somewhere in the back of her mind, that killing Nor would not magically set things right. It wouldn't undo the past. It wouldn't take away the pain and abuse Kal El had suffered. It wouldn't resurrect the dead of Terian, Breksin, or Silban.
But, because Talan is an utterly decent person, she does realize that revenge doesn't really solve anything.
Talan tried not to dwell on the reason why Kal El's pain affected her more than that of others. True, he was her commander and she was duty bound to follow him, but this wasn't about respecting his office or even admiring him as a leader any more. This was…she didn't even have the words to describe it—it was fully beyond her ken—but it crossed lines and boundaries she might not have been able to see, but that were doubtlessly there.
A headache was starting to form behind her eyes. She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to breathe deeply and clear her mind. If she could only center herself. If she could cleanse her mind of its errant thoughts and unwanted ruminations, she could regain her composure, seize hold of control again and never let go of it. This chaotic squall of confusion and emotions was not for her. It was messy and complicated and she wanted no part of it.
I find all of this so poignant, too. Talan realizes that she is in love with Kal-El, but she can't admit it to herself - she can't even let herself formulate the thought in her mind. And unconsciously she realizes, too, that she can never have any sort of satisfying romantic relationship with Kal-El. She admires him, she sees him as an embodiment of the concepts of goodness and justice that she believes in - that she needs to believe in to be able to continue her battle for justice. But her loved one is married, and if he were to cheat on his wife to have a relationship with her, he would taint and soil the goodness in himself that Talan needs to believe in. She herself and her own love for him threatens the man that she needs him to be.
I'm not going to quote it, but that scene with Lois and Jon was absolutely heartwarming.
"Hi honey," Martha said cheerfully. "Is Jon asleep?"
"Yeah," Lois replied, leaning against the doorframe. "I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help but hear that you need to buy a new thresher."
"Oh, yeah," Jonathan replied simply.
"Let me help," Lois insisted.
"We should be able to get a loan from the bank," Jonathan said.
This is an interesting situation. How can you make a proud man like Jonathan accept financial help from his daughter-in-law?
"Family takes care of each other, right?" she said. "And for the last few years, you two have taken care of me and Jon. I've put such an incredible burden on you and I haven't been pulling my weight around here."
"Lois, you could never be a burden!" Martha exclaimed.
"And we couldn't ask you to…" Jonathan began.
"But you're not asking, I'm offering. I make a lot more now as a columnist than I did as a reporter and my book is still selling. I mean, there's already enough in savings to send Jon to college, journalism school, medical school, business school, and god, even law school."
Her in-laws smiled. "We'll pay you back," Jonathan insisted.
"Okay," Lois replied with a nod.
I'm so glad that Lois managed to put this so well, and that Jonathan was able to accept it.
"I'm told it was a rather intense battle, Commander," the First Minister said dispassionately.
Talan looked down, avoiding the communication monitor and the First Minister's piercing gaze. "Yes, ma'am," she replied.
"You and your troops performed brilliantly, I understand you soundly defeated the rebel threat, with minimal casualties."
"A few wounded, no dead," Talan confirmed.
"Well done, Commander," Zara said with a slight nod.
Interesting. Zara is commending Talan. And Talan
did really defeat Nor's forces very soundly.
Stunned, Talan said nothing. She disliked few things more than receiving unearned praise. "Ma'am, with all due respect, you should be considering whether to ask for my resignation, not commending me. I wrote the rules of engagement and I violated them. That reconnaissance mission was vulnerable because I broke perimeter. I've committed the worst crime a commander can. I exposed my forces to unnecessary danger and compromised my mission objectives. That there were no fatalities is because of sheer luck, not because I did my job properly."
I totally admire Talan here. She is anything but proud of what she did, and she can't accept praise for it.
Zara seemed to pause, as though taking in her subordinate's outburst. "I have had to relieve three general commanders, including your counterpart in non-combat operations, in the last few weeks. I do not have the luxury of seeking your resignation. And you do not have the luxury of taking such reckless actions ever again."
And I admire Zara's answer very much, too.
He shut off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist. Clark stood in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. He wasn't weak or frail or thin anymore. He wasn't the ghost he'd been a few months ago. But he wasn't the man he'd been before, either. The muscles may have been strong, but they were covered in scars. Scars that went deep, that were ugly, dark and wide. Scars that wouldn't heal.
Clark picked up the ring from where it lay against the large cheloid-covered wound that cut across his chest. He held it between his finger and thumb and stared at it. She had really slender fingers, he thought to himself as he looked at the little gold band. He loved her hands. They were small, but strong, and always moving. Her skin was so soft and her fingers intertwined so easily with his whenever they held hands.
I totally love this - how Clark is contemplating how he himself is different from the man he used to be. And then, how he so easily starts thinking about Lois. This time, he is at first just thinking of her hands.
In his room he changed for bed and lay down. He stared up at the ceiling, holding the ring in his palm. His fingers curled around it tightly, his hand warming the metal. Outside, two armies waged a war for this planet's future. In here, it was quiet and he was alone – his thoughts a billion miles away, in a different world, with a woman he loved more than anything.
This is utterly beautiful - how Clark is a billion miles removed from Lois (probably more than that, I'd say from an astronomy buff's point of view) and yet, when he is so hopelessly far removed from her and a war is raging all around him, a war that he himself must help bring to a good conclusion - it is the wedding ring, the symbol of Lois, that keeps him grounded, and that gives his life meaning.
How was it possible that they'd only been together as a married couple for a day? That they'd only made love that one night? Or that they'd only woken up together that one morning?
So beautiful....
He wondered what it would have been like, being with her these last few years. If he hadn't left, if he'd stayed where he belonged, with her, what would they have been doing? Where would they have been in their lives? Would they have bought a bigger place together?
Oh, what if....
Maybe because they were thinking of starting a family? He felt a wistful smile spread across his face. Nothing would have made him happier than to have a child with her—to bring a little person into the world together. He didn't even know if it was possible, but he could still hope. Would they have been ready for kids? He liked to think they would have been, that maybe Lois would even have been pregnant by now. Despite her protestations to the contrary, he'd known she was going to make an excellent mother. She loved fearlessly and the incredible loyalty and protectiveness in her was only going to grow even stronger.
This is so, so moving and poignant. Clark is already a father, but he is completely unaware of his son. And for now, he is totally unable to be there for his son, to guide him and watch him grow up.
He'd known when he agreed to do this that the separation would be unbearable, that it would be the toughest thing he'd ever had to do. But he'd never expected that anything, in this world or any other, could have made him think about breaking his promise to make it back home. How could he have considered giving up? How could he have resigned himself, so thoroughly, to defeat, to failure? How could he have contemplated begging Nor to put him out of his misery? Did his promise mean nothing? Was his word worthless?
"I'm sorry," he whispered to a woman who couldn't hear him and didn't yet know what he was apologizing for. "I won't be weak again. I won't forget the promise I made you ever again." He closed his eyes and thought of the litany he repeated to himself on so many dark nights, both in Nor's dungeons and afterward.
I am Clark Kent. I have a mother and a father and a wife who love me dearly. I will not die because they need me.
And this almost brings tears to my eyes. Clark was tortured beyond any sort of human endurance, and on Krypton, Clark is only human. Of course he wanted to die rather than suffer more of it. Yet, he is so ashamed of his momentary weakness in the face of overwhelming, inhuman agony.
"Thanks," she mumbled. This was the part of her job that really sucked. The part where she was supposed to know how to do everything. She had to tell everyone that everything was going to be all right, because she was there. She would fix the problem and save the day. And somehow, being supernaturally strong and having x-ray vision meant everyone expected she would know exactly what to do. She was supposed to be reassuring and soothing and infallible. She'd show up and everyone else would breathe easier because the superhero was there. Life and death became her responsibility and she'd take the weight of the world onto her shoulders.
This is something you have shown in your story again and again - that just because Lois has superpowers she doesn't always know how to use them best to help people and make sure that nothing goes wrong. What an awful, awful responsibility it would be.
Lois had never realized just how much even she took Clark's abilities for granted. When she'd realized that her partner was Superman, she was finally able to see that even a superhero had doubts and insecurities. That when everyone else breathed easier because he'd arrived to make the rescue, that was the moment when his life became difficult. He'd show up and everyone, including her, was allowed to be small and scared and rest all of their hopes and fears on him. And as much as she'd tried to be there for him, in these moments, he was still alone. Now, she realized that.
I know I tended to look at Superman just like that. Of course, I grew up with a Superman who was never in doubt and who always knew what to do. It wouldn't be like that in real life. Thank you for showing us so clearly the brave, noble but fallible humans wearing the superhero suits.
I'm not going to quote much from it at all, but I loved Talan's talk with her younger brother. He is apparently the only one she can let her guard down around and be even slightly vulnerable and confused with. I think the portrait of the brother was very well done.
"So then you didn't save the First Minister's life, then?"
"No, that one is true." She nodded begrudgingly.
"I wonder what makes a man leave the only world he's ever known to go to another planet and lead a people into war. What's he like?"
"He's the kindest and most decent person I've ever met," Talan said without hesitation.
Serick flashed her a knowing smile that lit up his soft, gray eyes. "I don't think I've ever seen you so impressed by anyone before."
"We are fortunate to have his help," she replied, her voice taking on a guarded tone.
"He does seem like a remarkable person," he agreed. "And how are you?"
"I'm fine," she replied.
"Just fine? Nothing else?"
Ah, well. Serick immediately realizes that Talan has a serious crush on Kal-El.
"And there's nothing you wanted to talk about?" he pressed.
"You know I cannot tell you about what I'm doing."
"Then don't, but don't use that as an excuse. And don't tell me that you just decided to call, after months of silence, to talk about nothing at all and dodge questions."
This reminds me a bit of Lois's talk with her psychiatrist. Both Talan and Lois really want to talk about their own deepest fears and their most personal problems, but they just can't bring themselves to do that at all.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"So am I," she replied. "I don't know what to do."
He leaned forward, an earnest expression on his face that made him look even more like their father. "You'll keep trying. You're not the first person to make a mistake."
I love how Serick encourages her and shows his belief in her, though.
"If you can be honest with yourself, none at all. But don't expect to be able to do your job with a clear head if you keep lying to yourself. You never tell me anything, but this was troubling you enough to make you call. If you can't even admit to yourself what's bothering you, how do you ever expect to get past it?"
This is very true. We need to be honest with ourselves.
"You're a difficult person to know. I've been your brother for thirty years and I don't know what you want, what you hope for, what moves you."
"You know what I want."
"I know what you believe. And they're all very admirable ideals. But people fight for ideals. They die for ideals. They don't live for them. There will be life after this war."
I love this insight. People die for ideals. They die for jihad, for staying the course, what not. But nobody
lives for these things. We live for much smaller things, small warm daily life things. What will Talan live for, once the war is over (and provided she survives)?
But why now? Why was she now contemplating the destruction of the only good and decent thing left in her? She sighed. "I have to go," she said awkwardly.
He nodded, his mouth set in a straight, thin line. "If you want to talk…"
"I know. And thank you."
"I know that you're New Krypton's great hero, a commander of armies, and a force of nature," he said in a gently teasing tone. "But be careful."
"I will," she promised.
Perhaps, when the war is over, Talan can live for her brother and his family. Her nephews. And, perhaps, for the new baby that Serick and his wife may have. I hope so.
Ann
A particularly moving scene was Clark’s dream where he and Lois face the end of the world as his parents had done before him. That is one of my favourite scenes of FoLCdom, ever. And Talan falling in love with Clark came completely out of left field, for me. She is such a detached, efficient soldier that it’s only occasionally you remember she’s a woman too. I can’t wait to find out what happens next!