I want to remind you once again that italics indicate dreams. Just in case 
Thanks to my beta-reader Nancy. From Part 12: “Lex is dead, Lois, darlin'. He jumped down into the abyss when we came up here. We couldn’t stop him.” Perry repeated.
Was she happy about that? Lois didn’t know. But somehow she felt uncomfortable with Lex and Clark sharing the same death. They had nothing in common, and Clark shouldn’t be united with his worst enemy, not even in death. He really didn’t deserve that.
Part 13: *Justice and freedom,* Perry heard Clark’s words again in the back of his mind. Freedom was obviously a great value to Clark. Maybe freedom and love would have described his convictions better. What kind of man would rather die than see his girl bound to the devil? Would he himself fall down from a building if that would help to save Alice? Perry would have liked to answer this question with, ‘Yes, I would jump without hesitating’. But he loved living, and he was afraid to die. If it came to the worst and he was forced to decide, would he beg for his own life or would he have the courage to sacrifice it?
But on the other hand, where had Lois’ choice been? He was convinced by the sight of her that she would have agreed to the marriage in order to save Clark’s life. She would have sacrificed her freedom. There would still have been the hope of escaping Luthor before it came to a marriage. Clark’s decision offered no loophole. Clark and Lois could have had a chance to spend the rest of their lives together. But now there was only the Romeo and Juliet kind of tragedy that would reunite the couple. Why hadn’t Clark allowed Lois to say yes?
A little bit later the police confirmed Lex Luthor’s death. They found his dead body on the streets of Metropolis. But apart from his wallet, there was no sign of Clark. Perry didn’t know how to tell Lois. Her face was already pale and though there was a doctor around, she hadn’t taken any sedatives. She had completely rejected them. Perry was afraid of what was going to happen now. And he didn’t now what to think about the absence of Clark’s body. Hadn’t he died? Had Superman saved him and not returned him to them? But why? Why would he do that? And if his body was missing did that mean that he was still alive? Perry’s mind played some thoughts that he really wasn’t able to think to the end. He shook his head. This was too weird.
When Perry told Lois the news, her expression went completely blank. If her eyes had been red from tears and her mouth lined with grief before, there was nothing left now but a strange kind of emptiness. Her eyes weren’t the mirror of her soul anymore. It was as if a curtain had fallen and veiled everything that had been clearly visible before.
* * *
Lois still felt empty. She didn’t know how to cope with Clark’s missing body. Did that mean that he was still alive? Lois desperately hoped so. But after a seemingly endless time of fierce hope and deep despair, she was so very afraid. She didn’t know how much time had passed. It had been merely a glimpse ago that Clark had been standing in the middle of Luthor’s penthouse. He had never been stronger or prouder. He had been self-confident and the only truly secure harbor on this planet. Her knight of fairy tales had come to save his fair one, and he was invulnerable to whatever force the evil sent onto the battle field. At least it had seemed so. But this moment of obvious strength had passed so quickly.
The memories of Clark stumbling and being dragged across the floor filled her mind and rendered her weak and shivering. She couldn’t shut out those images by closing her eyes. They were left within her memory forever to torture her until Judgement Day. Lois felt too weak to hold onto the faint hope that Clark might still be alive. Yet it was the only light that might possibly guide her though this darkness. But how was she going to survive when she finally found out that he had died? And how was she going to keep on living accepting that the worst had happened?
Lois felt a warm touch on her shoulder. She glanced up into Perry’s sorrowful and sad face. Lois saw that he was desperately trying to be strong for her. But he failed miserably. Clark had meant very much to him as well.
“Come Lois, let’s leave this horrible place. I’ll walk you home.” Perry said softly. “You could also stay at Clark’s place if you feel like company tonight. I am sleeping there, and you won’t be alone tonight. You could have his bed.”
“I’d rather be alone,” Lois replied involuntarily.
She had never thought of herself as a person that needed support in any way. She had always been free and independent. Right now she felt that she needed company more than anything. She wanted to lose herself in the warm embrace of another person. But she couldn’t sleep in Clark’s bed. She couldn’t spend the night smelling the spicy scent of his aftershave that he had certainly left on his pillows. Everything in his apartment reminded her of what she had lost so violently, and moreover it reminded her of all those arguments and her own terrible blindness. Lois needed comfort, and though he was trying, she didn't want comfort from Perry. She needed the strong arms of Clark Kent. She needed his warm breath tickling her neck and the sweet taste of his endearing kisses. Only Clark could kiss away the pain that threatened to defeat her completely.
But when Lois gave it a second though she dreaded being alone. And as Perry promised her that she wouldn’t notice his presence unless she asked for his company, Lois agreed to stay with Perry tonight, but she insisted that Perry sleep in Clark’s bed. He helped her to stand up and gently lead her to the elevators that brought them down to the streets of Metropolis. They were leaving the house of nightmares, but despite all their efforts it still held them in a firm grip. Only their bodies could escape its influence, but their minds could never do the same.
* * *
Sometime later that night he had found himself in a park and didn’t exactly know if it was Centennial Park or if he was in a smaller park close to the suburbs of Metropolis. He could hardly estimate how long he had been crawling rather than walking through the streets of the city. He had tried everything, but he hadn’t been successful with the payphone, because he couldn't find a working payphone. He had to have lost his wallet somewhere. Clark had tried to get a cab, but no one had been willing to take a drunk along who might throw up in his cab. The lack of money had only added to the problem. Somewhere on the strets of Metropolis Clark had completely lost orientation.
After a couple of days with only a few hours of sleep, even he had been tired. The terrible headache, though now gone, that had started in Lex' penthouse had made it only worse. Clark didn’t know how Luthor had caused it, but it definitely made him even more determined to send this terrible man to prison. His sense of equilibrium refused to work, and the world had been spinning around him. His hearing hadn’t been very good either. A park bench had seemed so inviting that he couldn’t resist. He had promised himself just a few minutes of rest, but before he even realized it he had drifted off to sleep.
Clark woke up slowly. Despite all his efforts he hadn’t managed to rescue Lois. He had been pretty much out of it during the last couple of hours. Slowly Clark opened his eyes and looked around. Most of his dizziness was gone, though he still felt a little bit queasy. But the world had stopped turning. He felt so much better than he had earlier in the night. He recognized Centennial Park and sighed with relief that he finally knew where he actually was. But with the realization of where he was, he also realized that he obviously hadn't made it very far.
There was still that nagging worry that something might have happened to Lois. Even if it hadn’t, which hopefully was the case, she still needed to know that he was alive. He could hardly imagine what she had been through tonight. If she was still at Luthor’s mercy, there was even more she probably had to endure. Clark took a brief look at his wrist watch and noticed that there were only a few of hours left until when the wedding was supposed to be.
Where was he going to find Lois now? She could be in her apartment where he hoped she would be. But Lois could also be in Luthor’s penthouse or worse: at the church and already preparing for her marriage. But she couldn’t really be in the church, could she? There was no way on earth she could be willing to marry this devil!
Clark decided to try Lex Tower first. Afterwards he would fly to her apartment and then the church. But he seriously hoped that he would find her at her apartment. Clark got up from the park bench, was able to remain upright, and could even walk without stumbling or falling. Compared to the state he had been in over the last several hours, that was some kind of miracle. He sighed with relief and hurried to a hidden place where he changed into Superman and took off into the sky of Metropolis.
Clark was glad that he was more or less back to normal. His flight was unstable but not to a threatening extent. Although he flew a bit slower than normal, he was never-the-less hovering above Lex Tower a few minutes later. He listened for Lois heart-beat, but she apparently wasn’t anywhere near him. He also x-rayed the building, but there was no sign of her. But he *did* see Inspector Henderson. The policeman was walking through Luthor’s penthouse examining it closely. It looked like he was investigating a crime scene.
It wasn’t until then that Clark noticed the contour drawing of a body on the street. A dead person must have been found there. He knew it wasn't him. He swallowed hard. What if it had been Lois? He closed his eyes as panic washed through him. He had to know. Clark landed on the balcony and addressed Henderson through the open doors.
“What happened here?” he asked huskily and with a note of urgency to his voice.
Henderson flinched and turned around, startled.
“Superman!” he gasped. “You scared me!”
“Who fell from this building?” Clark insisted, not being in the mood to be nice like he would have at other times.
“Luthor jumped,” Henderson replied. “I thought you knew that. Where were you anyway? We really could have used your help last night.”
“Let’s say I had to deal with some serious problems of my own.” Clark answered and stumbled lightly, because his sense of equilibrium still wasn’t completely back to normal. He was relieved that it hadn’t been Lois that fell.
“I see that. Are you okay, Superman?” Henderson wanted to know.
“Yeah.” He said as convincingly as possible. “So Luthor is dead?”
Since his question had more been of the rhetorical kind, Henderson didn’t reply.
Clark couldn’t actually hide that he wasn’t too sad about this news. It meant that he would never ever be able to threaten Lois again. Though this madman had pushed him far beyond the edge of his convictions, he hadn’t actually wanted Luthor to die. If he had been able to do so, he might even have saved Luthor’s life. But he hadn’t heard anything, and he hadn’t been in any condition to walk let alone fly. That had been Luthor’s fault, and Clark wasn’t sure whether he actually could feel guilty. But his conscience didn’t always agree with his mind, and there was a guilty feeling in his gut. It didn't care if he had had a chance to save or not; it nagged him regardless of the circumstances.
“Where is Lois?” he inquired.
“At Clark’s place, crying her heart out. Mr. White invited her to come there. She says that Clark Kent died last night, and that Lex Luthor is responsible for that. But since I don’t have a murderer, and I don’t have a dead body, there isn’t much I can do about that. I don’t have any evidence but his wallet that Clark Kent even was here tonight. And even that isn’t very convincing, since he and his wallet were not necessarily at the same place. Of course I trust Lois Lane, but to be honest, I don’t really know what to think of it. She was close to a nervous breakdown if not even beyond that when I last saw her.”
“Clark is alive, Inspector Henderson. Please let me take care of telling Lois,” Clark said absent-mindedly and lifted off into the sky again.
* * *
Lois was lying on the sofa in Clark’s apartment, and her eyes were wet with tears that just kept on streaming down her cheeks. She was tired from hours of crying.
“Oh Clark,” she whispered. “If I only knew whether you’re alive or dead. If I could only talk to you.” Lois was tired. Crying for hours had seriously drained her. She closed her eyes.
“You can, honey,” his soft voice replied. “What’s bothering you so much, sweetheart?”
“Clark,” she said hoarsely.
He stepped around the sofa, and his complexion was transparent at first, but he became more and more visible, more and more firm. Clark smiled comfortingly and came closer. He kneeled down in front of her and cupped her hands with his. His thumbs stroked the back of her hands and sent incredible warmth into her arms and into her entire body. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation. He used the opportunity to kiss her wet eyelids next. His soft lips caressed her skin and kissed away the pain.
“I’m not gone, Lois.” he murmured into her ears and his breath tickled her neck, sending shivers down her spine. “I’m in your heart, forever.”
“But that’s not enough, Clark. I want to see you and feel you,” she said and tears filled her eyes again. The short moment of relief was over.
“It’s your fault, Lois. You accepted Luthor’s proposal, I begged you so often to not get involved with him. It’s your fault that I’m not alive anymore. This is the only way I can be close to you.” He answered.
“I’m sorry Clark, I’m so very sorry. I know that I was darn stupid. I shouldn’t have believed a word he said,” Lois replied sadly and kissed Clark on his mouth. But this time his lips didn’t part. He didn’t even move, and his face was blank.
“It’s a bit late to be sorry, don’t you think?” he stated fiercely after she broke the single-sided kiss.
“I only wish I could hold you close. I want to live together with you. I want to grow old with you, Clark. Is that so difficult to understand?” she pleaded.
“Whatever I do, it’s not right, is it, Lois? I sacrificed everything for you. Do you think I wanted to die? I sure as hell didn’t! But for you I would go to the end of the world and beyond that.” Somehow there was now a menacing tone to his voice that made her shiver. “I’m staying with you Lois, now and forever.”
“I love you, Clark,” she said weakly.
“Prove it, Lois. I don’t believe in words. You stay with me from now on and forever. No cheating on me, Lois. I’ll come to you in the nights when you are asleep. I’ll be in your dreams until you beg me to get out of them. But I won’t leave you anymore.”
“I couldn’t be without you anyway.” Lois was a bit scared. She felt that she deserved to be treated mean. In fact all this trouble had been caused by her. But Clark’s attitude was new to her. “I’ll love you to the end of days, Clark.”
“Don’t be so sure.” his voice sounded threatening and was more than scary. Lois woke up, her face damp with sweet. She was shivering and her breath came in ragged gasps. She looked around and sighed with relief, when she didn’t see Clark’s angry face. Her breathing became more even. That hadn’t been Clark speaking but her conscience. At least she hoped so. But what if it had been Clark, and his ghost really planned on making her life a living hell because he blamed her for his death? And who was she kidding? It *had* been her fault! Lois shook her head; she still couldn’t be sure that Superman hadn’t saved Clark. But he would have brought him to her, wouldn’t he? A single tear rolled down her cheek.
A soft tapping on the window interrupted her thoughts. Lois wasn’t sure whether she wanted to see this man right now. She didn’t look at the window and made no gesture to invite him in. But she didn’t have much choice because the door to Clark’s balcony wasn’t closed. She heard Superman’s footsteps when he approached her.
* * *
“I’m sorry, Lois,” he said softly. “I shouldn’t have caused you this pain.”
“You should have saved Clark. I shouted for you but you didn’t come,” she replied reproachfully. He could hear her pain, and it cut in his heart like a knife. She had had to suffer because of him and because he hadn’t been honest with her.
“I should have told you something a long time ago. I’m so sorry that I didn’t. Lois, I’m not dead. I…”
“I know that you are alive, but it’s not you that I need now, Superman… I…I… still have feelings for you, but not like I feel for Clark. I…can’t go… go on living without him,” Lois sobbed. “I lost him and it’s my fault.” She cried out heart-wrenchingly.
Clark lacked words. He went over to her and sat down next to the small weeping woman, who had buried her face in her hands. He embraced her in a weak attempt to soothe her. He couldn’t believe that he had really done this to her. Why hadn’t he told her his secret earlier? Why hadn’t he tried harder to get to her and to explain everything? He looked around quickly and checked for Perry, but he had already left the apartment. This was the best opportunity he was going to get. Clark swallowed hard.
“You didn’t lose me, Lois, honey. I…I’m Clark.”
Clark hadn’t been sure which persona to choose to go to Lois. He knew that coming as Clark might be rather shocking, but when he had seen her weeping and suffering, he felt that he needed to be close to her. Close in a way that the spandex outfit would never allow him to be. Clark was her friend - and he hoped more - while Superman was more distant to her as they had never discussed private things. After he had entered the apartment, he had quickly changed back into Clark. He wasn't even wearing the 'suit', but she hadn't looked at him, not even a single glance.
He had finally told her the truth, and that was the single most agonizing moment in his whole life. It was worse than the moment he had made his first appearance as Superman when he had been anxious that Lois would recognize at once that he was Clark. It had been easier to cope with the moment when he had told Lois that he loved her. He hadn’t been this afraid when he had first noticed that he was different from the people around him. Nothing in his whole life could be compared to this. He wanted her to say something even if she would send him away and tell him to never come back again.
But Lois remained silent; she had stopped weeping and she wasn’t moving in his arms. Seconds passed slowly. Clark heard each and every one of both his and her heart beats. Otherwise nothing was indicating that time was indeed going by. He prayed silently for a miracle to come. It was as if he was standing at the top of that skyscraper now, and Lois was falling. But he couldn’t cry for a hero to come and save them both from the misery they were going to face without each other.
Lois hadn’t looked at him not even when he sat down on the sofa and took her into a soothing embrace. She had felt strangely at ease in his arms, though she knew who she truly loved. And then he had told her that he was Clark. It wasn’t until then that Lois noticed that he wasn’t wearing his usual clothes. In fact he was dressed like Clark. Lois looked up and studied his face. She was confused. He didn’t wear glasses but pretty much resembled Clark. But it couldn’t be Clark, could it? Clark wouldn’t come into his apartment through the window. Slowly the truth of his words sank in. He was Clark; he had been Clark all the time.
“I’m sorry, Lois. I’m so very, very sorry,” he mumbled into her hair. “I should have told you earlier.”
Lois didn’t know what to think or feel. She could barely believe that she hadn’t lost him after all. But she felt betrayed, and anger rushed through her. Why had he lied to her all that time? Why had he allowed her to suffer so much? Why hadn’t he told her the night she had asked him to love her? Why hadn’t he told her when she thought that he was married? Things had gotten out of hand because he had chosen to keep his secret rather than to be with her. And he told her that he loved her?
“But you didn’t. You made me believe that you died! How could you?” she said angrily and glanced directly into his eyes. He looked back at her, his face clearly showed how uneasy he felt. But Lois didn’t care; she just felt rage. She was angry at herself for having been so blind. Not only had she missed that Lex was a criminal, she had also been completely blind at what seemed to be so obvious now. Clark opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again, but he didn’t say anything. That made Lois even angrier. “Forget about it, I don’t want to hear it. Just go, Clark, leave me alone!”
His expression was sheer helplessness. She could see his despair and his pain. But she had suffered because of him, and he would suffer because of her.
“I said that you should go!” she screamed when he didn't move.
* * *
Mrs. Cox didn’t actually know who deserved more to be blamed for Luthor’s death. Was it Lois or Clark? Anyway, she would kill both of them; she just needed to wait for the right moment. She had made sure that Superman wouldn’t escape her. Mrs. Cox patted softly on a box of lead and smiled. She was sitting in her car, close to Clark Kent’s apartment. She had a perfect view of his balcony and was pretty sure that she would see him land there when he returned home. And Lois Lane would come to him as soon as she realized that she was going to get Superman instead of Lex Luthor. She would surely be fascinated enough by the power of that man. That would be irresistible to her.
Mrs. Cox didn’t care how much time it took to get to her goal. She was patient and now that becoming Lex Luthor’s widow was out of question, she had more than enough time. She liked the thrill of killing, and she liked the taste of revenge even better. Her sight remained on the balcony, determined to see even the faintest blur of blue and red spandex.
tbc...
