Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic FDK: Flashbacks 1/1

Hey, great beginning. I like Jon's flashbacks. And I'm curious why he got shot.

Keep on writing and tell us more!

And you might use the blue arrow next time so that your story is easier to find...

Don't think so. I somethimes think that I wrote all crap and then someone says it's the best I've ever written. (That's either saying that my writing skills are awful, or that it wasn't crap after all. Well, I won't decide about that )



Perhaps you can write some statement concerning the time, that would make the reading a bit easier.

Come back with more!

Congrats on writing your first story!!

This part really grabs your attention and makes you want to read more...great job.



I can't wait until you post more!!!!

Great start and wonderful flashbacks!

The Tempus lines were great and I could almost imagine Lois and Clark's reaction to them.

One, tiny, nit-pick though. The shift between the present and the flashbacks and back is a little jarring, especially at the end since there is also a shift of point of view.

Maybe make the distinction between a pause between flashback and the shift to the present a little more distinctive by using two lines of asterisks or something similar?

Avia

Hey, vsp, welcome to the ranks of the addicted! Many professional writers, when asked why they write, reply that they can't not write. If you continue this story as well as you've begun it, you'll understand what I mean. Great start!

I'm sure it will become clear soon, but we don't yet know how old Jon is when this shooting takes place. Is he an adult? Is he still a teen? I get the distinct impression that he isn't the baby on the patio at the end of Family Hour, that he's Clark's natural son, but his invulnerability hasn't developed yet if that's true or he wouldn't have been hurt. And what was he doing when he was shot? Was he trying to help someone in danger? Did he walk into a convenience store as it was being robbed? Was it a school shooting? And will the doctors who treat him realize how different he is?

This is going to be interesting, vsp. Keep it going!

The part about the secret makes me think someone threatened him with "Tell us who Superman is or you die" kind of thing.

As far as his age, I'd guess early teens sine he's in high school but hasn't developed invulnerability.

Very nice start! You've got my attention. I'm curious to see where you're going to take this.

Thanks for the feedback everyone - I had actually intended to write an actual story with a plot and everything, with the flashback scenes just being a small introductory part of the overall story.

I guess I just didn't realize that when you put your thoughts on paper...they tend to take up a ton of room. The result was a few hours spent and none of the major points of the story that I had envisioned touched on. Oh well.

Thanks for the blue arrow tip - I didn't know about that.

Also, I have to agree with Aria's comments about the disjunction between the shifts between past and present...wasn't really sure how to handle that. The double asterisk lines sound promising though.

This is a nice scene, as well.

You write both humor and intensity equally well. However, this is a bit disjointed without the rest of the story backing it up. I suggest you make this part one of however many parts to give yourself the opportunity to flesh it out a bit more.

I also recommend the use of a beta reader. I find it gives me a ton of confidence knowing that someone has already read through it who will tell me what parts I need to rework (not saying you need to rework any of this, but I usually need to) and what parts are already working.

All in all, I'm finding this a solid beginning, particularly for a first post.

And now for some fluff:
Because who would watch a movie or read a book entitled, "The Little Merman"

Also don't forget to put the "The Longest Five Minutes" in the box for the title at the bottom of "Flashbacks".


Elisabeth