Author’s notes appear at the end, as they contain spoilers.
Part 2, continuing off of the first part. This series is set between parts 5 and 6 of Just a Normal (Super) Kid, but after The Return of the Suit.
****
<<“By the power of Greyskull…I HAVE THE POWER!!!”>>
“This cartoon is utterly ridiculous!” ten-year-old Jonathan complained.
“Oh? Why do you say that, son?” Clark asked curiously. They were watching a DVD release of the old 1983 He-Man series.
“Prince Adam looks *exactly* like He-man! I mean *come on* - nobody realizes who he is? And Cringer looks *exactly* like Battlecat – doesn’t anybody think that it’s odd that Prince Adam and He-Man own the *only* two green cats around??”
Lois and Clark were trying hard not to laugh.
“Uh, well…it’s not *that* ridiculous. Remember, Prince Adam pretends to be a coward, while He-Man is the most powerful man in the universe!” Clark explained.
“That’s not enough! Besides, why does he even *want* to keep it a secret? Even his parents think he’s a coward!” Jonathan continued, not satisfied.
“Well…maybe it’s because of Teela’s crush on He-Man. If he told everyone that he was He-Man, then he’d always have to deal with her chasing him around! Ow!” Clark said, broadening his smile as Lois smacked him playfully with a mock indignant expression on her face.
“Plus, He-Man’s origin story is completely unrealistic. His father is an Eternian, and his mother is a human who landed on Eternia? Now, even if they *could* have a kid, why would he be ‘smarter, more agile, stronger, and more muscular than any Eternian’?” Jonathan demanded.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll figure out the answer to that pretty soon.” Lois said as she smiled secretively. “Who knows? Maybe there’s someone like that on Earth right now, and we don’t even know it!”
“Huh. Yeah, right! I doubt it!” Jonathan scoffed.
Suddenly, his parents lost control and burst out laughing. He could have sworn that his dad whispered to his mom, “He’s going to kill us!”, but they were laughing too hard, so it was difficult to make out what they were saying to each other.
Jonathan woke up with a confused look on his face. Now where had *that* dream come from? That had happened years ago! However, he had no time to ponder his nocturnal remembrance, as a glance at the alarm clock told him that he was almost late for school.
He quickly got dressed and ate breakfast, then dashed off to class. As he ran, he reflected that it had probably been convenient for his father that Superman didn’t have to ride a green tiger. Because if he had, clearly Jonathan would have figured out his secret long before it was told to him on his eleventh birthday. He would have!
****
“…as I was saying, now that both of my parents are mega-celebrities, they’re always in the spotlight. So anything that they do could also reflect on me.” Jonathan said.
It was lunch break, so he was eating in the cafeteria with his usual crowd. He had been observing his parents’ behavior all week, and was using his best friend Ben as a sounding board for his thoughts.
“Well, *yeah*…but I really don’t think that you have anything to worry about anymore, not unless there are more kissing videos of them out there. I mean, your dad is *Superman* - it’s not like he’s your average Joe celebrity like Tom Cruise or Britney Spears,” Ben replied skeptically.
“Yeah, I understand that. I know that my dad is always going to have *some* degree of cool, what with the stuff that he does as Superman. But lately I’ve been watching them…and my parents just don’t *act* cool.” Jonathan pressed.
“Well, what do you have in mind?”
Seeing that his friend was giving him an opening, Jonathan began explaining his plan animatedly.
“Ok! So first of all, I’m not worried about what other adults think of them – already, as far they’re concerned, my dad is the coolest guy in the world. They practically worship him, “ Jonathan started.
At Ben’s nod, he continued, “But it’s different for kids our age – oh sure, it’s *admirable* all of the stuff that Superman does, but it’s not *cool*.”
“All right, I can *sort of* see where you’re coming from – but what can you possibly do about that?” Ben asked.
“Well, it’s more important when it comes to my dad, since he’s the one that everyone seems to focus on more. Basically, I want people to think that, even without the powers, my dad is still be a cool, ‘hip’ person.”
As Ben gave him an intrigued look, Jonathan kept going, “So my first idea was to update Superman’s look. I was thinking something like, a black and white version of the suit, or maybe something with a black leather jacket. But since it actually turned out that everyone *liked* the suit and even got all sad when he tried to stop wearing it, that wasn’t necessary.”
Ben nodded, as he was just as familiar as everyone else was with Superman’s short-lived stint rescuing people in business attire. His own parents had even participated in the demonstrations trying to get Mr. Kent to switch back to the suit, but he definitely wasn’t going to be telling Jonathan that.
“But then I saw him catching some bank robbers on the news. And he *really* needs to work on his punch lines!” Jonathan finished.
At that, Ben perked up. “Hey, well if anyone can teach Superman some cool punch lines, it’s you!” he exclaimed encouragingly.
It was true. Jonathan knew more than just about anyone about the finer nuances of jokes and punch lines, and he was well known throughout the school for his quick wit.
“Ok, then it’s settled!” Ben said as they nodded their agreement on how Jonathan would proceed.
Noticing that the lunch period was almost over, Ben asked before they went to their separate classes, “So did you manage to get a ticket to the concert too?”
“Yeah, I can’t wait!” Jonathan grinned.
In just a couple of days, Jessica Alvers would be performing live in Metropolis. She was the newest and most popular teen pop sensation yet – her records had already sold millions of copies. Plus she was smoking hot. Lots of guys at Jonathan’s school considered her to be their favorite singer.
****
“So you’re about getting ready to leave for the concert, right Jonathan?” Lois asked.
“Yeah, mom. I’m meeting Ben there,” Jonathan responded in the affirmative.
“You know, I always thought that her *tone* was a bit off. Are you *sure* that she’s such a great singer?” Clark asked as he smiled teasingly.
“Dad, her tone is just fine!” Jonathan protested, turning slightly red.
“Well, have fun!” Lois chirped, putting on a knowing smile. She then headed upstairs, leaving father and son alone together.
“Dad, before I leave, we need to talk,” Jonathan said.
“About what, son?” Clark asked curiously.
“Well, now that everyone knows that you’re Superman, there are some things that you just can’t do in public,” Jonathan said vaguely.
Clark looked at his son, dumbfounded at first. Then his eyes widened, and he stammered, “Er…well…I’ve already got your Uncle Jimmy going to the convenience store for me… so uh…you don’t need to worry about anyone seeing me buy-“
“DAD! NOT THAT!” Jonathan practically shouted as he turned beet red. “I meant what you said to that bank robber when he made fun of the suit! I mean, how could you let him off so easily?”
Clark did a double take, realizing that Jonathan was *not* talking about the purchase of contraceptives. He blinked. “Well, I’m not exactly sure what else I was supposed to say…“
“You had *plenty* of available options! For starters, you could have pointed out his lack of intelligence. Plus, he was only in his 20s or 30s, right? Why didn’t you ask him where his diapers were? I mean, all else failing, you could have at least insulted his mother!” Jonathan said fervently.
Clark raised his eyebrows. “Insulted his mother? But his mother never did anything to me! I mean, it’s not like his *mother* was the one robbing the bank!” he said defensively.
Jonathan sighed. “Dad, that’s not the point! When you talk about someone’s mother, you’re not *really* talking about their mother – you’re making a jab at *them*! It’s just about the strongest stab you can take at someone!”
“Well, how do you insult someone’s mother then? I mean, if saying something about their mother really means that you’re challenging *them*…” Clark began, confused.
“Trust me, people can tell the difference. C’mon, dad, can you *please* try to let me teach you some punch lines?” Jonathan begged.
“Well…I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to learn some. But don’t worry, son – I’m pretty sure I can learn on my own. There’s plenty of material on the web! Trust me, in a few hours, your old pop will be a comeback king!” Clark said confidently.
Jonathan mused over this. It was certainly possible – yes, likely even, given his father’s capacity for learning. When he put his mind to it, he could probably become an expert at just about anything!
“All right! Thanks, dad! You won’t regret this – it’ll be so *cool*!” Jonathan said as he grinned broadly.
“I’ll head out to the concert now then! I’ll see you and mom later!”
****
“Isn’t this great?” Jonathan shouted excitedly over the noise of the crowd.
“Yeah! I can’t believe that we managed to get such a great spot!” Ben agreed with equal enthusiasm.
They were only three rows from the front of the stage, which was incredibly lucky considering that there were tens of thousands of fans packed together, cheering to the music.
As Jessica Alvers finished up the song that she was currently singing, the audience roared with tumultuous applause. “Oh, Thank you! Thank you! You are all too kind!” she gushed gratefully.
She surveyed the crowd assembled before her with a huge smile plastered on her face. Suddenly, she got very excited. “Omigod! Look who’s in the crowd! It’s *Jonathan Kent*! Hey, why don’t you and your friends come on up to the stage!” she said, her smile becoming even wider as she gestured to Jonathan with her free hand.
Jonathan and Ben exchanged delighted looks. Jonathan couldn’t believe their luck – they were going to be *on stage* with *Jessica Alvers*! As they scrambled onto the stage, Jessica shouted, “All right! Let’s give these two a *big* round of applause!”, resulting in a resounding cheer from the crowd.
“Wow! I guess being Superman’s son can really have its advantages!” Ben whispered as Jessica launched into her next song.
“Yeah, no kidding!” Jonathan agreed.
The two grinned silently all throughout the next song from where they stood right behind the pop diva. When the song was finished, Jessica turned back to face Jonathan while the crowd cheered and applauded yet again.
Still speaking into her microphone, she drawled, “So, *handsome*, what are you doing this Saturday?”
Jonathan’s eyes widened as his face became a mask of disbelief.
“Er…”
****
<Afterwards>
****
“Jonathan, have you *completely* lost your mind??? You just turned down a date with *Jessica Alvers*!!!” Ben shouted incredulously. “You have to ‘practice your heat vision’ on Saturday??? What the *heck* was that???”
Jonathan frantically made a variety of defensive hand gestures.
“Ben, you don’t understand! Sure, I fantasized about her just as much as everyone else, but when she *actually* made a move on me, it was *different*!”
Ben opened his mouth to say something else, but decided to calm down a bit instead. When he spoke again, it was in a regretful tone.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. She probably only wanted you for your looks anyways,” he said soberly.
“I can’t even take *that* for granted! She might have even wanted me for *my dad’s* looks! Or maybe just because I’m Superman’s son!” Jonathan rambled, still on edge.
“Man, Ben – ever since that first day when Mr. Dinsmore showed that video of them kissing, all I could think about was how people would look at my parents! I *totally* forgot that *I* would become a mega-celebrity as well!”
“Oh man, I never even though of that. Jonathan-“ Ben started.
“I mean, Jessica Alvers wouldn’t have even *glanced* at me two weeks ago! And now she didn’t even bat an eye when I turned her down!” Jonathan interrupted.
“Well, yeah, I suppose you’re even more of a celebrity than she-“
“Oh my god, later I’m probably even going to have supermodels falling all over me. Ben, how could that have suddenly become a *bad* thing so quickly?” Jonathan moaned.
Ben had nothing to say to that, and the two remained silent for the rest of the walk to Ben’s car. Then they said their goodbyes, as Ben got into his car and Jonathan prepared to run home.
As Ben closed the car door, he shook his head in frustration and regret, exaggerating the motions so that Jonathan would be sure to notice them. He then muttered loud enough so that his friend could hear, “Some guys squander all the luck...”
****
Lois was fuming as she and Clark lay together in bed.
“*How dare* she! That…*bimbo* making a pass at our son!” she exclaimed indignantly.
“Well honey, we might have to get used to it – I guess it’s just part of being a super celebrity.” Clark replied as he smiled ruefully at his wife.
“I know, Clark…but still! Why do so many women have to act as if they can get what they want just by flashing a few curves?” Lois whined.
“Well, they say that Helen of Troy had a face that launched a thousand ships,” Clark said, trying to point out the reality of it.
“Oh *please*, Clark! You know just as well as I do that the Trojan War was fought over the control of trade routes!” Lois said with a warm, friendly sarcasm.
“Okay, point taken. But she had nothing on *you* anyways…before we started dating, do you know how tempting it was to try to take over the world so that I could make *you* my *love slave*?” Clark grinned as he gave Lois a belly rub. “Now how would you have liked *that*?”
“Hm. I think got a pretty good taste of that anyways,” she replied thoughtfully.
Clark winced as she brought up that one red kryptonite incident again. Two whole days! “Ooh. Uh…I’m…sorry about that, honey,” he said as he averted his eyes from her face.
“I’m not.” Lois smirked as she moved to force eye contact. As Clark blushed furiously, she continued, “Besides, you never considered doing any such thing. *Flattery* will get you *nowhere*, Kent.” With that, she leaned in for a deep kiss as she wrapped her arms around her husband’s neck.
Sometime later, Clark reflected that, actually, flattery seemed to work just fine.
****
<the next afternoon>
****
After stopping a traffic accident near New Troy High, Clark decided that since he was in the area, he might as well check up on how Jonathan was doing. Conscious of Jonathan’s need for him to appear “cool”, he decided to remain in the suit, since for some unfathomable reason everyone but Clark seemed to think that it fit that description.
“Hey Jonathan, I just covered something a couple of blocks away. How’s everything going?” he asked as he descended to the ground.
Jonathan perked up as his father landed. He quickly gathered some of his nearby friends together.
“Hey dad, this is the perfect opportunity to show all of the guys what you’ve learned! Everybody, listen to my dad in action!” he said, searching Clark’s face for signs of agreement.
Clark inclined his head slightly in acknowledgment, an amused smile on his face. He was confident that he could hold his own well enough to be considered “cool”. Jonathan immediately broke into an excited smile.
“OK, dad! I’ll start off easy – what would you say if I told you that ‘you suck’?” he asked, grinning in anticipation.
Clark smiled to himself. Oh, this was too perfect. Now he would show all of Jonathan’s friends how cool he could be!
In his best Superman voice, he said, “That’s not what your mother said last night.” He then put on his most smug Superman expression.
Jonathan’s eyes widened as his peers began a chorus of Oooooh’s.
“Oooooh, *Superman* just told a ‘your mom’ joke!”
“Wow, how’s he going to get out of this one?”
“That’s brilliant! How could he possibly refute that?”
However, Jonathan’s look of surprise quickly gave way to one of “Are you kidding me?”.
“Uh, Dad…no. That’s not the way it works,” he sighed.
Clark raised his eyebrows. “What? What do you mean that’s not the way it works? I just insinuated that I had sexual relations with your mother!”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t work under these particular circumstances! I mean, for all I know, you could have actually been with mom last night!” he argued.
“So?” Clark asked, not seeing where Jonathan was going with this.
“*So*, that joke only applies when as far as the person you’re telling it to is concerned, you’re *not supposed* to be sleeping with their mother! In this case, it’s generally accepted that you are!” Jonathan said adamantly.
Suddenly, Clark’s strategy didn’t seem quite so brilliant anymore to Jonathan’s peers.
“Hmm, he’s got a point there…”
“Yeah, that really doesn’t work…”
“Nice try though…”
“Dad, just forget it. Maybe mom will do better at this,” Jonathan sighed as he walked away disappointedly.
Recognizing that there was nothing more to see, the small crowd of high school students quickly dispersed, leaving Clark standing alone in the courtyard, still dressed as Superman.
“Well, I still don’t see how the fact that it’s true undermines its effectiveness in any way…” he grumbled to himself as he flew back to work.
****
“Ok, let’s give this a practice run. ‘You couldn’t write a decent newspaper article if your life depended on it’ – what do you say to that?” Jonathan asked.
Lois furrowed her brow in concentration. She thought for a few moments, but then, unable to come up with anything, started speaking tentatively as she played it by ear.
“Well, your moth- oh, no wait, that’s obviously not going to work. Uh, how about…um…aha! I slept with your father last night!” she finished triumphantly.
“*Sigh*. Never mind, mom…”
****
One of Jonathan’s friends approached him as he stood outside of the arcade at the mall.
“Wow, your dad is *really* good at DDR!” he exclaimed when he got into range.
“Yeah, I guess that super speed really comes in handy for that,” Jonathan said.
Well, he thought, it could be considered kind of lame that his dad was using super speed to beat everybody who challenged him at the dance game, but eh, whatever made him seem cool…
****
<to be continued>
Notes:
In the 1983 He-Man series, Prince Adam looked exactly like He-Man. I’m not sure, but I think in subsequent He-Man shows, Prince Adam was more or less average looking, and grew a ton of muscles when he transformed into He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe.
As far as I know, I made up the name “Jessica Alvers”. Hopefully no one who reads this actually knows someone by that name…I don’t want to offend anyone…
“DDR” stands for Dance, Dance, Revolution. Basically, it’s an arcade game with four columns of arrows rising up the screen – Each arrow can be up, down, left or right. When an arrow gets exactly to the top of the screen, you have to press the corresponding arrow on a button on the ground with one of your feett. Since you have 2 feet, it is possible for 2 different arrows to reach the top of the screen at the same time. The arrows can go really, really fast, so it can be very difficult. I’m assuming that superhuman expertise at this game would be considered cool by high school students, since I often saw crowds standing around watching when someone was really good at that game.
