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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 185
Hack from Nowheresville
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OP
Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 185 |
OOOOO!! This looks intersting! She looked again at the editorial, "Why The World Doesn't Need Superman". So. . .this is an AU crossover near SR? There are some truely classic moments here! "Shut up Ralph" the two women's voices spoke as one.  "Stand back everyone Mad Dog Lane is in the house" said Ultra Woman as she gathered her legs up under her sitting three feet above the floor on empty air.  Lois is pushing Lois' buttons--thats just toooooo funny! "Lois, what are you wearing, you look like" the voice trailed off as the speaker, a petite blonde, looked back and forth between Lois and Ultra Woman.
"Chloe? Oh this is so weird" said Ultra Woman staring at the young woman. OK, so this AU has some Smallville connections as well? Wow this could be interesting. "Kryptonian, Kryptonian," something nagged at the edge of his thoughts. "Kryptonian, Kryptonite! Yes, Kryptonite!"
Richard hurried to his desk, pulled forward his rolodex, thumbed through it and then began to dial. <Dum da dum dum>(musical background) Uh Oh what is Richard up to. . .he seems to be a bit of a jerk in this AU--is he contacting Lex Luthor? Oh, and BTW--why is it Ultra Woman and not Superman? Granted, Superman just might get skinned alive by this Lois--He's been gone for how long? "years"? But Ultrawoman didn't know? Wells had better get with the program and give better info to his operatives. Looking forward t chapter 2! Vonceil PS--late thoughts wandering through my head: since this seems to be mixing multiple AU's what will some of the others we haven't seen be-- what version of Lex will show up--L&C, SR, Superman the Movie-- What about Jimmie--will he be our "little brother" up and coming photo journalist or Mr. Olsen, owner of the Planet? What other "bad guys" will show up? Zara and Ching/Nor/Zod for the Kriptonians--What about Gus Gorman(Richard Pryor) or Nuclear man? My poor mind is spinning with possibilites!
Johnny was a chemist,
Now Johnny is no more,
For what he thought was H two O
Was really H two S O four.
--Lab safety limrick--
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 202
Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 202 |
no offense but i havent a cluwe what this is about. or perhaps my brains just turned to noodles
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 202
Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 202 |
no offense but i havent a cluwe what this is about. or perhaps my brains just turned to noodles
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3 |
Sammie, don't worry about having a clue. This is one of those where it'll become clearer as time goes on, and I'm sure Patrick will make it all crystal.
Patrick, may I suggest that you allow someone to assist you with the mechanics of punctuation? I love the scene, the setup, the obvious tension going on, and all the other stuff you've got going, and this has so much potential that it fairly screams, but as usual, the "devil is in the details." Missing or confusing punctuation trips the reader and yanks them out of your storyverse. I'll gladly volunteer as your Grammar Nazi if you'll have me.
Life isn't a support system for writing. It's the other way around.
- Stephen King, from On Writing
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 5,797
Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 5,797 |
I completely agree with Terry. This is an absolutely great setup. Lois Lane meets Ultrawoman! Wow!! Two Loises staring each other in the eye! Isn't it absolutely great? And Lois Lane - the one who isn't Ultrawoman - is the mother of Jason. Clark Kent is presumed dead. Lois rebuffs Richard White when he acts as if he and Lois were lovers. And Superman is nowhere to be found. All this is good, but it is when Ultrawoman makes an appearance that things become absolutely fantastic! I can't wait to find out what Lois and Lois will do!!  However, a Grammar Nazi beta reader would improve your story, Patrick, so why not accept Terry's graceful offer? Ann
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 346
Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 346 |
A very interesting concept and I loved some of your dialogue, Patrick (especially Lois pushing Lois' buttons, as Vonceil mentioned).  I'll definitely be following this story (although proper punctuation would make it easier to read, as per Terry's statement and offer)... ~Anna.
Lois: Jimmy, give me back my dress.
Clark: Now there's something you don't hear around the newsroom everyday.
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Joined: Dec 2005
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Kerth
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Kerth
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,020 |
However, a Grammar Nazi beta reader would improve your story, Patrick, so why not accept Terry's graceful offer? Will do so. I've just sent him a private message.
Framework4
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3 |
I've just sent her private message. Patrick, let me summarily inform you that I AM A MAN!!! (My wife told me I could tell you that.) What? What was that, dear? But you said I - no, really you did - no, I didn't ask for permission to use all caps, but I thought - yes, dear. Yes, dear. I understand. Ahem! Patrick, please allow me to let you know that, biologically, I am male. Thank you, dear.
Life isn't a support system for writing. It's the other way around.
- Stephen King, from On Writing
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3 |
Posted in wrong folder! Duh!
Life isn't a support system for writing. It's the other way around.
- Stephen King, from On Writing
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3,147 Likes: 3 |
Life isn't a support system for writing. It's the other way around.
- Stephen King, from On Writing
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 3,060 Likes: 20
Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 3,060 Likes: 20 |
Yay! =D  Lovin' this! Great setup! I like how they were all telling Ralph to shut up. <g> But why is Richard looking for Kryptonite? Is he a supervillain?  More soon, please! 
~•~
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Joined: Dec 2005
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Kerth
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Kerth
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,020 |
Originally posted by Queen of the Capes:
But why is Richard looking for Kryptonite? Is he a supervillain? Clearly I didn't make it clear that it was Lois who wanted him to look for it. So should I rewrite this section? Lois caught him staring and glared back at him, making some odd gestures.
Clearly he was missing something and if he didn't want Mad Dog Lane on his case he'd better figure out what.
At last Lois looked away as the Kryptonian said something to her.
"Kryptonian, Kryptonian," something nagged at the edge of his thoughts. "Kryptonian, Kryptonite! Yes, Kryptonite!"
Richard hurried to his desk, pulled forward his rolodex, thumbed through it and then began to dial. ================================================= 6-17-2007 19:35 I've updated the original post with some of Terry's fine suggestions. I have not changed or added anything else. Richard's motives will become clear in time so I'm leaving the above alone. Chapter two has been sent to Terry. MS-Word says it is 1800 words.
Framework4
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,864
Merriwether
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Merriwether
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,864 |
I found this intriguing and confusing all at the same time. Interesting...
Elisabeth
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