Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic FDK: Speed (1/1)

Nice story, Alicia!

I think it puts a good perspective into Clark's thought processes. He doesn't ever think that Lois could reject Superman but accept Clark. Even in his own thoughts, his alter ego is tied into his "real" character. So when Lois says she only wants to be friends with Superman, he thinks she is saying "I only want to be friends with Clark."

As for what's missing? That's hard to say. I think it works wonderfully as it is. If I were to say there was some ambiguity, I would put it in the reactions of Clark's parents. You didn't explicitly say that the continuity matches that of the actual "Whine, Whine, Whine" episode where Clark very early on says he wants to leave Metropolis since he has no chance with Lois. In your version, it seems Clark has decided while in flight to leave Metropolis. So Clark's parents wouldn't know this. Yet their warning to their son when he walks in on them and Lois is that he really needs to hear what she has to say before he opens his big mouth and messes everything up. It's as if they know Clark has heard Lois tell him that she only wants to be friends with him. Without that knowledge, I would think the Kents would tell him in a very upbeat way that Lois has great news for him or something like that. That's my impression.

Cute!!!

Jose

Well, what I think is missing from the story is a girlfriend for Dan, but I think that about every story and I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one. Other than that I can't really think of anything, but I do like Roger's suggestion of having more of Jonathan and Martha's reactions.

This was an adorable little piece. I love how you use Clark's flying to give him time to think things over. I also like the retrospective look at the events of WWW; it's really interesting to watch him overanalyze the events of the day.

A great job once again, Alicia! Keep writing!

~Anna

Poor Clark!

I don't see anything missing for the story, Alicia. It's sweet just the way it is.

Saskia

What a wonderful and sweet story!
I loved the irony in Clark telling himself that Lois still needed to break up with 'Clark', without even realizing she might have chosen him! I really wanted to hit him over the head a few times to get his brain working in the proper way. lol

I didn't think anything was missing...

Sira - loving this story

What a lovely little introspective vignette, Alicia - very sweet way to start the day.

Not going to be much help with your query, I'm afraid. Nothing obvious leapt out at me as I read.

Thanks for sharing.

LabRat (and it has the added bonus that it fits right into the themes keywords without any trouble... )

Alicia, I love this!!

I didn't see anything missing either. Perhaps Roger's right and there's some question over the Kents' behaviour; but on the other hand Lois might have told them about her conversation with Superman and Martha, seeing Clark's expression, could have drawn her own conclusions. We know how good she is at that!

Lovely, lovely short story. Thanks for sharing - a great way to start my day!


Wendy

Yes! First thing in the morning, I wake up to a cup of coffee and a new fanfic! A really nice new fanfic. Thank you, Alicia.

Poor Clark! Recognizing the tell-tale signs of love on Lois' face, but convinced that love is directed at Scardino.

LOL

The only thing I would add would be a line explaining why Clark's parents are in Metropolis. I honestly don't remember enough detail from "Whine, Whine, Whine" to remember them being there. The line made me stop and go, "huh?". I have no idea if this is what your BR was referring to, but it is the only thing that seemed "funny" to me.

I can't wait to read about it. (Hint. Hint.)

- Vicki

Nice, Alicia! Great introspection, and exactly the sort of thing Clark would be thinking -- as we saw in WHALTTA, when Clark is hurt, he assumes the worst, and goes on the offensive.

The only weird thing I saw was near the end -- when Lois kneels down before Clark, there had been no mention of Clark sitting down, so it gave me a strange mental image. It makes a lot more sense if he's sitting.

This vignette is primarily about the inside of Clark's head, which you do a great job of exploring... you don't have a chance to get inside Lois's head at all. We know what she's thinking, and we know that Clark is dead wrong <g> but still... I dunno, she may have been a little *too* self-confident, there at the end. Of course, I don't know what she'd been talking about with M&J -- maybe they told her that Clark's been head over heels for her for two years now But without seeing that... On the show it seemed like she was a lot more hesitant and beating around the bush -- here, even though Clark "storms in" and spoke "icily," she's not thrown off her stride.

Mind you, I don't want her to leave at this point! But maybe a little more hesitation, beating around the bush -- maybe she starts to panic, but Martha reassures her... it just seems she ought to have a little bit more of a reaction to Clark's uncharacteristic behavior, since he's usually so laid-back.

I *loved* this.

And maybe a smidgen more of smoochies at the end wouldn't hurt Do they stand up to kiss, btw? Otherwise it seems awkward, what with Clark's knees in the way and all

Great work, Alicia! Hope you don't mind my suggestions, but you did ask!

PJ

Alicia

WOW! This is excellent.

I don't think that there is anything missing.
But I do like Pam's idea of more smoochies!

Thanks for sharing this wonderful story.

Tricia

Aww what they said! Ditto to most of the comments. very sweet. Laura

Wow!! Thank you all for your comments! As always, I really appreciate any suggestions . I appreciate any and all constructive criticism.

Oh of course I don't mind!!! I love any suggestions . In fact, Pam, I took all of your suggestions and edited the story. I didn't have the fact that Clark was sitting clear enough. And I had them both stand up to kiss. I even added another smoochie.

The intersting thing is that none of you pointed out the part that my BR pointed out. She felt like I was building up to *something* but she didn't know what she was expecting. But since no one else has the same concern, I am not going to change it <g>. However, I did incorporate all of the suggestions that were presented here. The edited story is posted if anyone wants to read it.

Yay! You guys got the theme I was trying to bring across. I am so happy!!!

Ooh, another theme I was trying to get across . I am so glad these themes actually came out in the story. It is rare for me to actually bring out exactly what I was thinking in my story.

Good point, Roger . I hadn't thought about it that way. I edited the story to hopefully maked it a little less ambiguous. I don't know if I succeeded or not.

LOL, Anna -- I think you might be the only one. Poor Dan, he never wins.

That's right, LabRat -- the one story of my 20+ stories that actually fit the themes keywords

I like the changes. They seem to work pretty well, especially the smoochies part. I did find a couple of typos.

and

Hi,

Cute story.

Very good little story.. I really enjoyed it!

Alicia, good story, for all the reasons others have mentioned.

I have to admit that the one thing that stuck out for me was how unusual it was for it to arrive pretty much exactly where the episode did. Usually in fic rewrites, there is 'something more' arrived at between Lois and Clark. In this one, It seemed as if they arrive at the same understanding of each other that they did at the episode, just took a slightly different route to get there.

I realize that the point of your story was to show Clark's lunkheaded thought processes, and you did a good job of that. It just struck me how similar your 'payoff' was to the actual episode.

Tank (who was too tired last night be comment so had to wait until this morning to do so)

Alicia
sweet story
ditto others
merry

Thanks, Roger, for finding those typos. I should have proofread better.

Thanks, Maria, Blayne, Tank, and Merry for your comments.

Hmm, interesting. That was exactly what I had tried to do -- take a different means to the same end. I didn't realize that it wasn't commonly accepted. But even if it isn't, oh well, I don't usually write stories that are the norm . I ended the story where I did because I wanted to end it with a reference back to "speed" and I didn't yet want to write a revelation. I am not sure if I need to add anything -- or if I need to change anything.

I am not sure if you meant that I should change anything or not. Is it bad that I ended teh story in the same place as the show? I think that leaves the possibility of ATAI happening -- or if I decide to write a sequel at some point, I can use this ending as a stepping-stone.

If this is a common opinion, I will do somehting to change the ending of the story. I wonder if anyone else felt this way -- cheated I guess that it did end in exactly the same place as WWW.

Thanks,
- Alicia

I loved it! I'm so glad I stopped by and found it. I hope you'll write a sequel!

Alicia:
Absolutely not!!!!

Actually, I don't think Tank felt cheated either; he was simply pointing out the unusual nature of the story. We don't get many 'in-betweenies' like that these days - the sort of story which preserves continuity, but gets there in a slightly different route - and in a way it's a shame.


Wendy (remembering her own 'in-betweenie' story, An Ordinary Man, which wasn't popular because it lacked a revelation )