This story is written for Bakasi. You'll find all the prompts at the end of part 2, as not to give anything away. I hope you like it. 
The prompts were pretty hard on my muse. For ages, she was stuck on how to fit it all into one story. When she finally came up with something, I couldn't even fit it all into one piece. So wait for the conclusion to follow soon-ish.
I also have a few people to thank: my lovely beta readers! Doranwen, LaraMoon and Sara Kraft! The best people a gal can ask for on such short notice. Special thanks go to Sara for coming up with the title (she had me in stitches with 'I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am' <g>). *****
False Pretences
*****
"Barman, give me another beer, please."
"Are you sure about that, mate? You've already had so much..."
"I just need more beer," a disgruntled Clark replied. "Last one for the road," he added in a friendlier tone.
He'd just had the worst week ever and the weekend didn't look like it would be any better. So here he was, in a restaurant-bar in Metropolis, drinking off his worries. His only problem was that the alcohol didn't have any effect on him at all. He'd lost count of how many beers he'd had now some time ago, and still he kept ordering. Most men would be drunk by now, but not him. Never him. And it didn't even solve any of his problems.
Clark gulped down some more beer after the glass was put in front of him. This had better be the last one. Drunk or not, the barman believed he had to be even though he didn't even show any signs of being tipsy.
Another patrol over the city or maybe the world would help him distract his mind from his worries. Just as well he could do without sleep for some time. He wasn't planning on spending much time in bed this weekend. He wouldn't sleep much anyway, and going over the same things again and again would only make matters worse.
He'd better face it soon.
Lois was out of his reach.
It had all started after their fantastic date and belated first real kiss. While he had felt that it could have been the start of a relationship, she'd obviously seen no future in it. Why else would she be dating Daniel Scardino now? He knew they'd gone out earlier that week, and they were out together again tonight.
What did the man have that he didn't?
Mayson's death hadn't come at the most opportune time. He was well aware that Lois had seen her as a threat, even though he'd never regarded the district attorney as more than a friend. But it was her death that had put Scardino on the stage.
Whatever did Lois see in the man?
Clark would even admit that he hadn't been behaving that well after Mayson's death. Yet he didn't feel it had been abysmal enough behaviour to drive Lois away from him. Besides, he and Mayson had been friends, at least. Surely Lois knew he'd grieve for the loss of a friend?
The only conclusion he came up with was that Lois liked Scardino better than him.
Well, he didn't like that one bit. Not if she didn't even have the decency to tell him to his face it was all over. And he was too much of a coward still to ask her directly. Maybe not coward, but the rejection already hurt enough.
He took another draught and stared miserably at the television again.
*****
"You can keep skirting about the subject, Lois, but I'm not getting any younger and I still want to meet my grandchildren. So whom are you seeing these days and how serious is it?" Ellen Lane asked her daughter.
"Mother!"
"Well?"
"I hardly believe this is the place and time to discuss my love life, even if it was any of your business," Lois said indignantly.
"We're in a restaurant where nobody is paying us any attention. We are waiting for the main course to arrive, and as your mother, I'd like to know. So I don't see why we can't talk about this now."
Lois skulked. She didn't have much choice but to tell her mother. If Ellen Lane wanted to know something, she usually found a way to get it out, especially if it concerned her daughters. She didn't feel comfortable talking about her love life, least of all with her mother. But there wasn't much else to talk about anymore. Besides, she'd known this would come up when she'd agreed to go out to dinner with her mother. And hadn't she already decided to tell her about the situation? That maybe she had some advice to say that would help her make a decision?
"All right, then," she said as she rolled her eyes.
"Don't you roll your eyes at me, young lady!"
"Did you or did you not want to hear about this, Mother?" she immediately scolded back.
"I'm all ears," was the tense reply.
So where to start? Well, her mother obviously knew she hadn't married Luthor. She also knew Clark existed, but not what he meant to her. And then there were Superman and Dan... Well, starting at the beginning would be easiest, right?
"Okay, so there are three guys I sorta like."
"Three?" Ellen shrieked?
"Would you mind not interrupting while I explain? That would make it far easier for me."
"Fine." The reply came accompanied with a raised eyebrow.
"So three guys. One is Clark Kent. He's my partner at work and my best friend. We've recently been out on a date, and that was wonderful. I'm not sure how I feel about him, but he's special to me and I don't think I can live without him anymore. But after that date, he started to act very weird around me and we haven't really talked since."
She knew part of why Clark had been so absentminded lately. He'd cared about Mayson, so naturally he'd feel bad about her death. She just wasn't sure how close they'd been. But that was something her mother didn't need to know about.
"Then there's Superman. I think I have a crush on him. Or maybe had. I'm not sure anymore. But I don't really know him, and I usually only see him when, ehm, our paths cross during work. But I care about him. He feels more like a fantasy at times, though. How can you really have a relationship with him when he's constantly off rescuing other people?"
It was what Superman had told her all those months ago. Though the words had hurt at that time, she couldn't deny the truth in them. There were things about him she didn't know, and much as she'd like, it didn't look like he was ready to share them with her.
"And finally, there's Dan Scardino. He's a DEA agent, and I met him through work. He's rather charming, and as he kept on asking me out, I finally went out with him earlier this week. But I really don't know him, and he's got a thing against Clark, it seems."
Well, that was just male pride and jealousy at its best. Plus, Dan had a horrible taste. All those Hawaiian shirts and the art she didn't even wish to understand were one thing, but his choice of restaurant on their date had been rather dramatic.
"You make it sound like that's a bad thing, Lois," Ellen finally remarked.
"It's just horribly confusing!"
"You just overcomplicate things. From what you just said, or rather, didn't say, I know who to put my money on," her mother said with a mischievous smile.
"You what?"
"I think you need to figure this one out on your own. But I know enough."
"But how, Mother?" Lois just didn't understand her mother all of a sudden.
"Just do me one favour. Be happy. And don't make the mistakes I did."
The waitress arrived at that moment with their dinner, and the subject at hand was dropped to enjoy the food.
*****
"This was nice. We should it more often, Lois," Ellen told her daughter as they got ready to leave the restaurant.
"I'm not sure that's such a great idea." Lois chose her words carefully.
"Oh come on, didn't you enjoy yourself tonight?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"Exactly. Come on, let us talk some more in the bar, then." Without waiting for a reply, Ellen dragged Lois into the restaurant's bar.
"Mother! You're a recovering alcoholic. Aren't you supposed to stay well away from alcohol and bars?"
"One drink once in a while won't hurt. Now come on!"
"What's gotten into you?" Her mother was acting quite weird tonight, this was not how she knew her at all. She probably preferred her the old way. At least she knew how to handle her forward behaviour.
Ellen let out a sigh. "Can't a mother spend some quality time with her daughter?"
"Yes, but..."
"Then we're spending some more time together in the bar," Ellen decided for the both of them with a twinkle in her eyes.
*****
Clark had just emptied the last of his beer when a familiar face stepped into the bar.
Lois!
Panic immediately settled in. He knew he should be drunk by now if he'd been not super. By all means and purposes, the bartender already figured he was. If Lois got wind of that, he'd never hear the end of it *and* he had to pretend around her.
How did one pretend to be drunk anyway? He didn't have any experience with it, and he usually avoided places where drunks were found in abundance.
His best option, then, was to avoid coming face to face with Lois. Actually, he should stay unnoticed by her. Much easier on both of them.
What was Lois doing here anyway? She was supposed to be out with Scardino. Was he that lousy a date that Lois came here to drink it off? Hadn't he shown up at all? Or worse, was he with her?
He glanced in her direction again. She was much closer to him now. If he wanted to avoid being seen, he had to leave *now!*
But wait, was that Ellen Lane next to Lois? Surely his eyes were deceiving him. He blinked a few times, but she was still there. Both of the women were headed straight for him.
Okay, so much for not being noticed. Clearly Lois had already seen him. He received confirmation when she called his name out.
"Hello, Lois, Ellen," he greeted both women.
"What are you doing here, Clark?" Lois asked.
"Just a night of basketball and some beer out in town," he mumbled.
"Right. Can I get you anything to drink? I'm here for a drink with my Mother, since she insisted, so you can join in the *fun* as well."
"I, ehm..."
"Lady, I ain't givin' this man no more drinks. He's had 'nugh if you ask me. Must be seriously hammered by now," the bartender said in Clark's place.
"Clark?" Two brown eyes filled with worry and questions looked at him. "What's going on?"
"Well, ehm... Maybe I, ehm... had more than a few beers?"
Way to go, Kent. Stammering didn't make one drunk. Speaking incomprehensively did, though. As did slouching, staggering, blurry vision, slower reaction times and loss of memory. He could stage that, really, he could.
He tried to sit differently, and nearly managed to slide off his stool.
"Clark! Be careful!"
He mentally counted to three before meekly replying, "Okay."
He saw Lois turn around to her mother, who was looking at him quite incredulously. "I'm sorry, Mother, I'm going to bail out on you now. It looks like Clark is drunk - don't ask me why, it's not like him at all! But I can't let him go home alone. So do you mind if I leave you here on your own?"
"Yeah, go on. Looks like he needs a friend."
Ellen kept looking at him. He nearly felt like she was hinting at him.
"Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow!"
"Yeah, whatever." Ellen turned to leave the bar as Lois came to stand in front of Clark again.
"Clark?"
"Hmm?" he mumbled. Playing drunk was harder than it looked. Plus, he'd just remembered he couldn't do *anything* super. No dodging spilled drinks or avoiding bumping into other people. Boy, this was his worst idea ever.
"Come on, Clark, I'm taking you home." She started to tug on his arms. "Can you stand on your own feet?"
"Lemme see." Wobbly, he got to his feet. After a little show where he tried to find his balance, he stood up straight next to her.
"Well done. Now come on, let's get you home." She grabbed his arm in effort to keep him balanced and found their way out of the bar.
An idea suddenly occurred to Clark. He wasn't supposed to remember any of this in the morning, so maybe he could take a little advantage of the situation. He might be able to find out where the two of them stood and how Scardino fit into all of this. He was well aware Lois would be mad if she ever found he'd used her like this, as would his mother. He could practically hear her voice in head, "Clark Jerome Kent, we did not raise you like this!" But drastic times on a superhero asked for drastic measures. Or something like that.
Lois hauled him inside a cab and he barely managed to not hit his head. A dent in the car's roof would look suspicious.
*****
"Clinton Street, please," she told the cabby.
"Loissss?"
"Yes, Clark?"
"Can't we go to your place?"
"Why? You'd be much more comfortable in your own bed."
"But I don't wanna be alone tonight."
"Is that why you went out drinking tonight?"
"Ehm... I think so."
"What if I stay with you?"
"Isss not the same. I don't wanna go home. Can I spend the night with you?"
She sighed. "Fine, but don't complain if you wake up aching from my couch on top of being hung-over."
"Okay." He had the guts to sound cheerful with such a prospect.
They rode in silence for a while. Clark was slowly nodding off, it seemed. This was nothing like him at all. He never got drunk, not that she knew of, anyway. Had something happened to him? Or his home, as he clearly didn't want to return there tonight? Whatever it was, the least she could do was keep an eye on him and let him sleep in her apartment. But if he got sick, he sure could clean up after himself!
She thought back on her mother's odd behaviour. First, she wants to know about her love life, only she had to give very cryptic advice. Then she suddenly wants to hang out in a bar, while she doesn't visit them anymore. Something didn't add up there.
Hold on. Her mother had immediately walked in Clark's direction. That couldn't be coincidence, right? So what if Ellen had seen Clark in the bar from the restaurant? She could see from her position what went on in the bar, while she herself had a view of the restaurant. Had her mother been trying to say that she had give Clark another chance? It certainly would explain why Ellen hadn't complained about being left on her own.
"Loissss?" Clark's voice broke the silence.
"Yes?"
"You said you were gonna go out with Scardino tonight."
Had she? She couldn't remember having said so, not even to make him jealous. He must have misunderstood her.
"No, Clark. I said I was going out to dinner tonight. And I did, with my mother. You just took it to mean I was going out with Dan again."
Ah, so he was jealous, she figured. Quite possibly he did still care about her, then. The thought soothed her. She cared about him a great deal, and she was willing to give him another chance if he would just fight for her. Maybe they could talk about that in the morning...
"Oh," came his reply. He turned his head to look at her and gave her an odd stare. Her partner was getting more and more influenced by the alcohol. Stumbling, slurring slightly and now looking glassy.
"Do you like Scardino?" he suddenly asked her bluntly.
What should she say to that? Now wasn't really the time to have such a conversation. He simply wouldn't remember this in the morning, so what would be the point?
Actually, that was the point. She could speak her mind, and he wouldn't remember. Put like that, it didn't sound so bad at all.
"No, Clark. I don't like him in the way you mean. He's like a friend."
"Then why did you go out with him?"
A giggle escaped her. She couldn't help it. He was just endearing like this.
"To make you jealous."
He blinked before replying. "Why?"
"Oh, Clark. Do you really have to ask?"
He merely nodded, still looking at her with that odd glance.
"Because you're the one that I want. Clark, I really like you, but lately, it seems like you can't stand to be around me for more than work. That hurt, you know. We had a great date, and then you leave me hanging in the dark. You had me convinced this could work and then you abandon me again. What was I supposed to think? It was just a desperate girl's attempt to win your attention back. Where ever it may have gone to."
"Oh. I, ehm..." he stammered.
"You don't have to say anything now, Clark. I know you won't remember this conversation in the morning, so what's the point of explaining it? Oh, look, we're here already. I'll help you out and then we're going to get you settled on my couch for the night."
*****
TBC...
