/is nervous.
I've had this idea since I watched Ultra Woman a few weeks ago, for the first time in a long time. Hopefully it was worth writing down!
This is sort of a what-if in-betweener. It supposes that instead of getting beaten up and kidnapped, Clark made it safely to Lois' apartment, and she had spent a bit longer helping at the mudslide.
Huge thanks to Lara for the awesome beta work, and also to Cat for letting me complain to her all night. Love you girls!
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Strong Enough
“The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough” -- Broken, Seether and Amy Lee
When the last flutters of Ultra Woman's cape disappeared from the screen, Clark reached out to turn off the television. A glance at the clock told him it was just past 2 A.M. and he knew it would only be a few minutes until Lois was home.
It took all of his self control not to leave the apartment and run in the direction of Brazil until she was in his arms, but she was the one who could fly now, and so he had to settle for going into the bathroom and filling the tub with warm water. As the bath filled he crossed into Lois' room to search for a pair of pajama pants and the Midwest U. sweatshirt she had “borrowed” from him, nearly a year ago.
When he came out of the bedroom with the clothes in hand, a familiar gust ruffled the living room curtains, and a moment later a mud-covered superhero slumped through the open window. Clark couldn't help but suck in a breath at the look of her. Beneath the spandex and the caked-on mud and filth, weariness seemed to emanate from her every pore. He knew the feeling all too well, and it physically pained him to see her going through the same thing.
Lois looked up quickly at his gasp, obviously startled by his presence. The moment she realized it was him, the apprehensiveness drained out of her, but something else in her demeanor changed as well. He saw walls being built up to disguise the pain he knew she was feeling, that hard-shelled exterior she put up between her and the world. Despite the fact he knew better, she still felt the need to act like she could handle everything. He understood that, for the time being, he would have to suppress the urge to grab on to her and never let go.
He would be there for her, anyway. He would be there until she felt like she could let those walls crumble, and then he would do his best to pick up the pieces. It was far from the first time he had done that for her, and he doubted it would be the last. He just considered himself lucky that he was the one she trusted with the job.
“I thought you could use a bath and some clean clothes,” he explained before she had time to ask him what he was doing in her apartment at two in the morning. “And maybe some chocolate ice cream.”
A smile made a rather pathetic attempt at lifting up one of the corners of her mouth and then gave up. “You thought right.”
“The tub should be full by now,” he said as he held out the clothes for her. “Take your time. I'll have the ice cream ready when you get out.”
He crossed into the kitchen as the bathroom door snicked shut behind her and began filling two bowls with the chocolate ice cream he had bought on his way over. These little gestures of kindness seemed so futile now, against the images of her that kept playing in his mind.
He had seen Lois in ways she had never let any one else see her. He had seen her scared, hurt, vulnerable - and yet none of it compared to the stark emotion under that mask his mother had made. Even thousands of miles away, filtered into Lois' apartment through her small TV, the look in her eyes had made him ache inside. To have her so close to him and not be able to take her in his arms and chase away those inner demons was pure torture.
It seemed like an eternity before he heard the door to the bathroom open and Lois padded out into the living room, looking much more comfortable in the clean clothes, but not much less somber.
“Do you want to eat in the living room?” he asked as he gathered the bowls and headed for one of her couches.
Her only response was a nod, and she took a seat next to him and accepted her bowl with a grateful glance in his direction.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Clark's voice seemed to stick in his throat, but he had to ask.
Lois shook her head this time, then turned her attention to letting her ice cream turn into liquid, obviously suffering from the same lack of appetite that he was. He turned his own attention to swirling his spoon around in the chocolate, studiously watching the patterns it made.
It was almost completely melted when he felt, more than heard, the first sob tremble through her. The bowls were deposited on the coffee table and she was gathered against him before the next one could come, this time muffled into his chest. Her hands fisted into the soft cotton of his t-shirt, and for a moment he marveled at the fact that the strongest woman in the world was clinging to him so desperately. Then she shuddered with the force of another sob, and all thought left him except that of comforting her.
“So...many...people...” she gasped against his neck.
There was no need for her to finish the sentence. So many people were now homeless... injured... dead. Even if he hadn't watched the news coverage, he had been there before. He knew what it was like to get there just a second too late – knew that no matter how many lives you saved, it was the ones you didn't that stayed with you. Ate away at you. Drove you crazy with thoughts of how you could have done things differently, should have done things differently.
“It wasn't your fault, sweetheart,” he whispered against her hair. “You saved so many people. You did so much good.”
Still the warmth of her tears gathered at the collar of his shirt, but, after a long while, her shaking gradually slowed until it was just the occasional, small hiccup against him.
“I can't be this, Clark. I don't know how. I messed up so many times. There were so many stupid mistakes...”
“A very wise woman once told a very unsure man that whatever he could do was enough.” At his words, Lois tilted her head back to look at him, and his heart broke all over again at the sight of her tear-stained face. “She meant it, I know she did. So even though it's hard, she has to know that the same goes for her. You helped so many people today-”
“Not enough,” she interjected. “People lost everything because I screwed up, or because I wasn't fast enough. Their homes, their families, even their lives. How do I deal with that?”
He caught a stray tear with a gentle caress of her cheek, then tilted her chin up just a little until she met his gaze. “You didn't cause any of the disasters you helped at. You didn't start that mudslide. I know it's hard to accept, but people die every day, Lois, and you can't blame yourself for that. You have to think of all the people who survived because you were there to help.”
“It's so hard...” she whimpered, her eyes taking on the glassy sheen of tears again.
“I know,” he said, tucking her close against him once again.
“You're so strong, Clark. I never understood just how strong until now.”
A strangled half-laugh escaped him at that, and he quickly shook his head. “I'm really not.”
“You are. You went through so much without having anyone there for you. And now you're forced to watch me do what you're supposed to be doing, what you were meant to do, and you're still the one who has to be strong enough for both of us.”
“God, Lois.” He paused to look down at her in utter amazement. “It was never me. Every ounce of strength I ever had, it was always you. You were the one who enabled me to be Superman - not because you gave me the idea for the costume, but because you believed in me. Sometimes the only way I could make myself face the world again is because you were in it. Everything I've done and everything I am is because of you. You were always the strong one.”
She was suddenly clinging to him again, and this time he wasn't sure if she was crying or laughing, but her next words filled him with hope that everything would be OK.
“We'll just have to be strong enough for each other from now on.”
end
