Thanks again to Nancy for her comments and ideas. Once again, I would like to remind those readers who need it that flashbacks are outlined in ***.
PART TEN
I was unreasonably nervous before Jon came over that night. He was obviously shell-shocked at the story I had told him of our relationship and my job with the NIA, so I had given him some space for the rest of the day. But that didn’t stop me from thinking about him all day, and running through our conversation in my head, trying to discern what he was thinking. Logically, I knew I couldn’t really expect anything, but I couldn’t help being a little disappointed when he simply waved goodbye to me at STAR labs, foregoing any type of physical contact. He still didn’t know me, I reminded myself. And it would take him a while to be comfortable with our relationship. Especially now that I’d told him exactly what we’ve been up to in our spare time. I still blushed at the memory. How uncomfortable would that make him to intellectually know what we had done, but to have no memory of it? Every touch would have a certain significance, and I could hardly blame him for shying away from physical contact.
I had called my principle earlier in the day and told her that Jon had had an accident and needed someone to look after him for the evening, meaning I couldn’t be there for the open house. I felt a little guilty at skipping out, especially because I had lied a little to do it, but I really needed to be with Jon tonight, and Thea said she was more than willing to cover for me.
Jay had thankfully gone for the night and although I had no idea where he went, I was glad to have the apartment to myself. Once things had calmed down a bit, I really needed to talk to him about getting his own place. It seemed he was going to be in Metropolis for an indefinite period of time, and with the money he was getting from the NIA, he could definitely afford it. I love Jay and all, but his constant presence was becoming a bit invasive.
Jon stood awkwardly in the doorway after I let him in, unsure of how to conduct himself. I closed the door after him, barely taking time to fumble with the security chain before I led him further in.
“You’ve got a nice place,” he offered neutrally.
“Thanks,” I replied. “It’s not a penthouse or anything, but I like it. We used to hang out here a lot when we first started dating. The balcony’s pretty convenient for you when you’re… um, you know.” I fumbled with my ring, feeling awkward with where the conversation was heading. Even though he knew that I was in the loop, I still got the feeling that he wasn’t completely comfortable with that. After all, he had come in the through the door even though we both knew he had flown here. But maybe he just thought that knocking on the door was less intrusive than knocking on a window. I looked in his face to see what he was thinking, and I saw that he was staring at my ring.
“Is that…?”
“Um, yes. This is…” Maybe it had been a bad idea to wear it, but I couldn’t bring myself to take it off.
“Can I see it?” he asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, sure!” I stuck my hand out so he could get a closer look, and was surprised and pleased when he caught my hand and brought it closer to his face.
“It’s nice,” he commented, with a wistful smile.
I chewed on my lip, trying to decipher the meaning behind that simple phrase. “It must be weird for you to see it on my finger. And to know what that’s supposed to mean for you.”
He dropped my hand, and turned away from me. “Maybe a little,” he confessed. “But you shouldn’t have to stop wearing it for my sake.”
I wrenched the ring off my finger and handed it to him. “Here. Take it.”
“Kaylie-”
“You can give it back to me when you’re ready.”
He took the ring from me. “Thank you, Kaylie.”
I nodded jerkily, trying to ignore the empty feeling inside of me. Jon ran his finger along the curve of the ring.
“You know, you picked that out for me,” I told him, trying to distract myself.
“I guess that means I have good taste.” He grinned at me, and I unthawed at seeing his smile again.
“Well, I have to admit I was a little worried, what with the first piece of jewelry you bought me,” I teased, referring to the beaten-up signal watch he had given me as a way to contact him. I expected him to rally with a similar comment, yet all I got in return was a blank stare. “Oh, right. You wouldn’t remember about that.”
“I’m sorry, Kaylie.”
“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.” I had had a hard day, and it was starting to catch up with me. “I just forgot for a second what had happened. I thought that everything was normal and obviously it still isn’t, obviously everything is still screwed up, and I just… I really miss you, Jon.” The tears that I had pushed back all day were spilling out of me. “That’s such a terrible thing to say, isn’t it? You’re here. You’re right here in front of me, but yet you aren’t. There’s still something missing, and I can feel it.” It was then that Jon pulled me into his arms, and I sobbed into his shoulder, no longer caring if he thought it was weird. And even though he had forgotten everything about me, I could sense that he cared about me as he held me, gently rocking me even after I had stopped crying. I stood there in his arms, absorbing that feeling. Finally, I was able to lift my head and look him in the eyes. “Sorry about that,” I apologized weakly.
“Don’t apologize,” he said huskily, echoing my earlier words. Then he kissed me. It was a sweet, simple kiss, nothing like some of the other ones we had shared. Yet there was an incredible power about it as well, something that shocked both of us, I think. We broke apart, and I look into his dumbfounded expression.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m… great, actually. It’s just the weirdest thing…”
“Kissing me is weird?” I teased.
“Well, not in that way. But it’s like… It just feels so familiar, and it’s almost as if I can remember doing it before.”
“Well, you have done it before,” I reminded him gently.
“Yeah, I guess.” He ruffled his hair. “But it’s still weird. This whole thing is weird. I mean, you know me. We’ve been dating for months. You probably know pretty much everything about me. And I… I can’t even remember your last name.”
“Stewart,” I supplied.
“Huh?”
“Well, actually, I guess Stewart is just an undercover name. But I’ve been using it since college in my civilian life, so it’s the closest I have to a real last name.” Until I became Kaylie Kent, I added to myself.
“Oh,” he responded blankly, then sank down in the sofa with his head in his hands.
“But I’m guess that’s not really the thing you were upset about.”
“Well, it’s that, and it’s a million other things,” he told me. “It’s when you make a joke and I don’t get it. Or when I have to ask you for directions to your apartment when I’ve obviously been here before. And through all that confusion,” he said, looking directly in my eyes, “I can’t help thinking that I must be missing out on something that’s truly amazing.”
“Do you really feel that way, Jon?” I asked, tentatively hopeful.
“Kaylie, I may not remember you or anything about our relationship, but there is… something about us that I remember. But I don’t…” his face wrinkled in frustration. “I don’t really know what it is yet.”
“You’ll find it,” I reassured him, daring to lay my hand on top of his.
“You’re amazing, you know that? I can’t think of anyone who would accept this as well as you have.”
“Jon, a few minutes ago I was sobbing in your arms,” I reminded him. “That’s hardly taking it coolly.”
“Compared to a spectrum of bad reactions that include everything from depression to outright anger and rejection, I’d say that a little crying is called for, Kaylie.”
“You know, you’re pretty amazing yourself,” I told him, overpowered by his own understanding of my situation. Then I leaned over and returned the kiss he had given me before. I didn’t plan on prolonging it, but I didn’t object when he drew me closer and deepened our kiss. Nor did I object when he pulled away suddenly, his eyes dancing around in the sockets as he searched for answers.
“It’s kind of like déjà vu,” he told me shakily.
“You know, this might be kind of like what Ellie’s trying to do with Jay,” I suggested. “She says that even though you may not personally remember things, there is a part of your brain that still knows what has happened.”
“She said something about that today,” Jon said.
“Maybe we should tell her about what you felt,” I suggested. “She might find a useful technique out of it.”
“Are you saying that Ellie should kiss Jay in the name of scientific research?” he asked teasingly.
“God no,” I replied laughing. “That would be an instant disaster.”
“How so?”
“Oh, they hate each other,” I told him. “They’ve been fighting ever since the moment they met.”
“Really?” he asked, surprised. “I didn’t think they seemed too bad together.”
“Trust me, it’s bad. Everyone was a little distracted today, but normally they’re at each other’s throats. I’m surprised the lab hasn’t blown up around them by now.”
“Well, I guess you would know better than me,” he shrugged. His automatic deference saddened me, and I was once again confronted with how confusing this must be for him.
“I have something that may help you,” I told him, suddenly remembering the precautions I had taken on my behalf. I went over to my bookcase, and slid the panels back, searching for the little box I had put together.
“You have a secret compartment behind a bookcase?” Jon asked with amusement. “Don’t you think that’s a little cliché?”
“Sometimes cliché works,” I defended as I pulled the box down and brought it over to him. I pulled out the old watch I had referred to before, and handed it to him. “This was the first piece of jewelry you ever got me.”
“I got you this and you’re still seeing me?” he asked dubiously as he traced the scratched face.
“It’s more than just a watch,” I explained, not surprised that he had forgotten the function of it. Although he knew about the watch long before he met me, it had become intrinsically tied to our relationship. “If you pull the pin on the side it-” I was cut off by Jon’s startled exclamation. He dropped the watch as his hands flew up to cover his ears. “Sorry, I should’ve warned you,” I apologized as I picked up the watch and turned it off. “You gave it to me as a way to contact you before I had your phone number.” I absently slipped it onto my wrist. Its heavy weight was comforting, and preventing my left hand from feeling quite so empty.
“I must’ve really lo– cared for you in order to give you that torture device,” he told me.
“You did,” I agreed softly.
“So what else is in the box?” he asked, changing the subject.
“Odds and ends,” I told him mysteriously. Boldly, he lifted the lid and sifted through the contents.
“Why are there so many rocks in here?”
“Early courting tokens,” I told him. “You always brought me one to show my class as an excuse to visit me.”
He raised his eyebrows at this statement, but he didn’t ask me to expand. Instead, he leaned back in his seat and took in his surroundings. “We must’ve spent a lot of time here,” he remarked.
“Especially when we were first getting to know each other,” I confirmed. “But we went other places too.” The alley where we first met. That awful quarry he saved me from. The island he took me to.
“Where else did we go?”
“A lot of places,” I told him. “But… I don’t want to just tell you about them. I want to show you them.”
Jon cocked his head to one side, thinking. Then he stood up and spun into his Supernova suit. He reached out and took my hand, leading up towards the balcony. “Where to first?” he asked.
* * *
***
“I hadn’t expected to see you here,” Martha Kent commented when she opened to door to find her grandson waiting outside.
“Hey Grandma,” he greeted her.
“I’ve missed you, Jon. You haven’t stopped by in a while.”
“Yeah, I know,” he replied guiltily. She looked tired, and he realized that she had probably been lonely out on the farm by herself. “I’m really sorry I haven’t been here more. I should’ve come to visit you earlier.”
“Well, I would’ve liked it,” she admitted. “But you’re here now, and that’s all that matters. How about you come on in? I’ve baked some fresh cookies.”
“Okay,” he agreed. It was like he was fifteen all over again. Smallville had given him the emotional healing he needed over five years ago, and now… It was like coming home.
***
* * *
I walked into my apartment later that night alone. Jon and I had been walking home when he heard someone calling for help. I insisted that I could find my way home myself, and he flew off to help.
I was in a much better frame of mind when I stepped into the elevator as opposed to earlier in the day. Although Jon still didn’t remember me, I was confident that one way or another, I would get my fiancé back. And soon enough, I would be wearing my ring again. I fished my keys out of my pocket as I approached the door, thanking my earlier presence of mind for remembering to grab them before we left just in case. It wasn’t all that late yet, and I should spend the remainder of the evening working on this case. I had been too busy fretting about Jon today to concentrate on anything. Distractedly, I slid my key into the hole and turned it, yet was surprised when I didn’t hear the usual click of the bolt being pulled back. Had I forgotten to lock it? I thought back to when we had left my apartment. Jon had changed, I stood up to go with him, and we had gone… out… the window. Crap. A quick turn and a push confirmed my suspicions. Not only had I forgotten to lock the door, but the security chain I had fastened earlier was still hooked in.
Damn it. How could I have remembered my keys but forgotten the condition of my door? I must’ve been more distracted by Jon than I realized. I didn’t have anything to cut the chain with me, and no money to buy something even if I could find a hardware store open at this time. I thought briefly of knocking on someone’s door and asking for help, but how on earth would I explain my predicament? That I had decided to drop down from the balcony for kicks? Anyway, that was clearly the way I would have to enter.
My building was an old one, and it still had a fire escape ladder tacked onto the side of it that led to the roof. I scrambled up it, all the while ignoring the mounting panic inside me. My apartment was only three floors up. I could manage. I bit the inside of my cheek as I cautiously stepped onto the narrow ledge that stuck out from the building. I could see my balcony just around the corner and a little bit further along. I could make it.
Taking in a deep breath, I commanded my legs to stop shaking. Slowly, I inched forward, hugging the building at all time. I stepped cautiously, keeping my eyes glued to my balcony and never daring to look down. See? I was doing it. Nothing to it. I was already a quarter of the way there!
“Lost your key?”
I screamed, and tumbled into the arms of Jon, hovering behind me. “Jon, what the hell was that? You scared the crap out of me!”
“I’m so sorry Kaylie,” he apologized sincerely. “I thought you heard me coming.”
“I was too busy concentrating on not dying,’ I replied, squeezing his arms harder than I ever thought possible. “Take me inside, will you?”
“Sure.” By the time we had gotten inside and he had put me down my heart rate had returned to a more normal speed. “Are you sure you’re okay, Kaylie?” Jon asked again. “I’m so sorry that I startled you.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I reassured him. “Just… give me a minute.” I bent over at the waist, bringing more blood to my head. Gradually, I felt better, especially now that I was back on solid ground. “I forgot to unhook the door chain before we left so I couldn’t get in,” I explained.
“So you just decided to scale the building?” His eyebrows crawled up his forehead in surprise.
“I was pretty sure I could make it,” I replied. “And I was doing just fine until you showed up.” I playfully poked him in the chest to show him that I had forgiven him for that. “I’ve had to do a little climbing in the past.” And I had been scared witless about it the whole time, too. But my dad had always pushed me to do it anyway.
“But you don’t like it,” he said perceptively.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I’m kind of… afraid of heights.” There was no point hiding it from him like I tried to do the first time around.
Jon’s face broke into a smile. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not kidding!” I exclaimed indignantly. “And what is so funny about that? You laughed the first time I told you that too.”
“I did? Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t laughing at your fear, it’s just… Well, you don’t really act like someone who’s afraid of heights.”
“Maybe that’s because when I get scared I just push harder,” I confessed, dropping my gaze from his face. “I think that if I work hard enough against the fear, it’ll eventually go away. But sometimes… sometimes I loose sight of the really important things in life.”
“Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t about heights anymore?”
I met his eyes again. “Look, Jon, I’m going to say something to you that probably won’t make any sense whatsoever, but that I have to say anyway because if I don’t I’m going to explode.”
“Okay…”
“I’m really sorry that I was pushing you away from this case. I was scared about it and I thought that if I worked extra hard I would do a better job and it wouldn’t be as risky. But in the process… I was losing you. It was like the case was more important than my relationship with you and that’s not true. You’re the most important thing to me, and even though I don’t act like it at times, that’s how I feel.”
“Uh…”
“Don’t say anything,” I commanded him. “Just remember that so when you get your memories back you can know it.”
“Okay.” He was silent for a moment. “Kaylie, can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I replied, thinking he’d want to know more details about what I had been talking about.
“When we were flying earlier you didn’t seem scared at all. Why?”
“Because,” I smiled, “that’s what it’s like when I’m with you. You seem to make all my fears go away. Now if only I can remember that for the next investigation.”
“How about you remember it for this one?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around me. “Let me help you out with this. I’ve been thinking about the whole circumstances around my memory loss.”
“Me too.”
“And I’ve been thinking that whoever erased my memories was probably targeting Supernova, not Jon.”
“Your dad said the same thing,” I replied. “That still leaves an encyclopedia of suspects.”
“Not necessarily,” he replied. “This device that you’re investigating can target any set of memories, right?”
“Along a timeline, yes. They would have to know approximately when the memories were formed in order to know when to erase them.”
“Well, I’m missing about seven months of my memory, so I’m thinking that we can narrow it down any of my activities in the last seven months.”
“That’s great,” I replied. “That’ll at least give us a starting point.”
“It’s not too late so I thought I’d just head over to the Planet and see what I could dig up there.”
“Can I come with you?” I asked, remembering all the information I had dug up on Gertrude that I still haven’t touched. “I’ve been working there undercover and I’ve got some research there that I haven’t had a chance to look at yet.”
“Sure. Um, does that mean you have to change or something?”
“No, I’ll be okay as myself,” I replied. “If anyone sees me there I can just say I’m keeping you company.”
“Well then we might as well go now,” he offered.
“Great!” I agreed. “Just one thing…” I dashed over to the door and unhooked the chain and locked the bolt, then returned to him. “Now I’m ready to go.”
